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apocalypsos) wrote2004-03-30 09:56 am
apocalypsos) wrote2004-03-30 09:56 am
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You know, I had a thought a while back about something fandom-related, but I never really sat down and wrote it out. Well, I just got the thought back into my head, and so I present to you, the Buffy version ...
1,001 Fandom Baby Names -- The Rules For Naming Your Child In the Fandom World
So, you're a character from the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" universe in a fanfic and you're expecting. Congratulations! And also, I'm truly sorry, as your baby-naming options are incredibly limited. So please read the following to find out what your adorable little tyke will have to suffer through in the coming years.
Hi, my name is Buffy!
Congratulations, it's a girl! Well, maybe not, but trust me, your chances for snails and puppy dog tails aren't good. And if you do have a boy, you'll inevitably name it after whoever the father is (Will, Liam, Xander Jr., Riley II, Oz Minor, or Giles Giles) or name it Jacob, although God only knows why. Just buy some pink diapers and shut up.
As for names, you have Joyce and Anne. Possibly Jenny, but damn it, you're a good daughter and your poor mother died, and you couldn't save her, even though you're the Slayer ...
Oh, just name the kid Joyce already.
Hi, my name is Willow!
Congratulations, you have no creativity whatsoever! No, seriously. Regardless of whether you have a boy or a girl, you will name it after another Scooby. Probably Jenny or Tara, because of the whole Death Becomes Your Name deal, or Oz if it's a boy, because God knows that instead of giving your kid his real name, Daniel, you should actually give it the nickname of the guy who took your virginity, thus leaving the poor child to deal with flying monkey jokes for the rest of his life. A witch naming her child Oz? That's sick, you know.
Hi, my name is Xander!
Congratulations, your child will be named Jesse or Jessica. No exceptions!
Any other children will be named after other Scoobies, because you don't have any originality, either.
Hi, my name is Angel!
First off, no more reproducing for you.
Secondly, if you are going to name your child something, it will be incredibly Irish. It's entirely possible that your kid's birth certificate will come complete with a box of "Lucky Charms" and a DVD of "The Commitments".
Hi, my name is Spike!
Congratulations, you'll be deferring to the naming whims of whoever you impregnated. (Or, in rare cases, whoever impregnated you.) If you do get a choice, you'll usually suggest Joyce or Anne, because let's face it, you're usually impregnating Buffy, and even when you're not, you're more often than not borrowing her brain cells.
Hi, my name is Giles!
Congratulations, you had sex! And apparently, your partner didn't die or leave the country shortly after. Go, you!
This means, of course, that you have impregnated a Scooby, you cradle-robbing bastard. As such, girls will always be named Jenny without fail. It's also possible you would name a son Jenny if you could, because you're carrying That. Much. Guilt.
Hi, my name is Anya!
Congratulations, although why I'm congratulating you when you have more sex than the population of California is beyond me. Odds are that you will give your child some annoyingly trendy name. They'll hate you for it in the long run, but they'll hate when you talk about sex in front of their friends more, so you've got that going for you.
Hi, my name is Dawn!
You're not allowed to bear children, even in fic. I don't care if you're written as a thirty-year-old woman with a career and a loving husband who's not a Scooby. We all know you will eternally look like Michelle Trachtenberg at the age of 15, so the thought of you reproducing is gross and disturbing. You're obviously hallucinating. Stop that.
Hi, my name is Cordelia!
Congratu--
Wait, are you pregnant with demon children again? Tell you what, go to the OB, double-check their humanity, then get back to me.
Hi, my name is Oz!
Congratulations, you got back together with Willow! Well, you had to have, because quite frankly that's the only way you ever have kids in fanfic. Just a warning - you'll be deferring to Willow on this one, and it's possible she'll be naming your son after the guy she cheated on you with. (Best friend, guy sh cheated with ... same difference, really.)
Hi, my name is Faith!
Congratulations ... oh, sorry. Chances are, you didn't want this kid, but one Snickers bar and a copy of "What To Expect When You're Expecting" is all it will take to get you on board with the whole baby thing. Of couse, in fanfic, it will get in the way of you nailing anyone that stands still long enough, but babies are just so damn cute.
What you will have depends on who knocked you up. If you actually got pregnant during heterosexual sex, it'll be a boy, and it'll probably be Xander's, and he'll get you to name the kid Jesse whether you like it or not. If you somehow managed to get knocked up during some hot girl-on-girl action, no test needed, as this is definitely Buffy's child, and you're just going to have to deal with Joyce or Anne. Well, unless you're allowed to be your real self in the story, in which case you'll push for Elizabeth because no one will bother to tell you that Buffy's real name is Buffy.
Hi, my name is Wesley!
Oh, give me a break. Like you'd impregnate a woman.
Wait, did you knock up Angel? Oh, okay. In that case, refer back to the incredibly-Irish rule.
Hi, my name is Fred!
Congratulations! So, when's the paternity test?
Seriously, though, considering your child's father could be anyone -- and I mean anyone -- in the Buffyverse, your choices for baby names will vary, but will undoubtedly be adorable beyond all human comprehension. And your baby will grow up to be stronger than Angel and smarter than Wesley and snarkier than Spike, because that's what happens when Mary Sues spawn.
Hi, my name is Gunn!
Congratulations, you knocked up Fred! Or at least, that's what the paternity test said.
Anyway, your child will probably be a girl, because in fanfic, the tougher a man you are, the more feminine your child. Then again, you do your softer moments ... maybe Fred gives birth to a drag queen. You will probably name your child after your sister or Cordy, and any sons you have will be Charles Jr.
Okay, now somebody do this for other fandoms, 'cause I have to go to work.
1,001 Fandom Baby Names -- The Rules For Naming Your Child In the Fandom World
So, you're a character from the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" universe in a fanfic and you're expecting. Congratulations! And also, I'm truly sorry, as your baby-naming options are incredibly limited. So please read the following to find out what your adorable little tyke will have to suffer through in the coming years.
Hi, my name is Buffy!
Congratulations, it's a girl! Well, maybe not, but trust me, your chances for snails and puppy dog tails aren't good. And if you do have a boy, you'll inevitably name it after whoever the father is (Will, Liam, Xander Jr., Riley II, Oz Minor, or Giles Giles) or name it Jacob, although God only knows why. Just buy some pink diapers and shut up.
As for names, you have Joyce and Anne. Possibly Jenny, but damn it, you're a good daughter and your poor mother died, and you couldn't save her, even though you're the Slayer ...
Oh, just name the kid Joyce already.
Hi, my name is Willow!
Congratulations, you have no creativity whatsoever! No, seriously. Regardless of whether you have a boy or a girl, you will name it after another Scooby. Probably Jenny or Tara, because of the whole Death Becomes Your Name deal, or Oz if it's a boy, because God knows that instead of giving your kid his real name, Daniel, you should actually give it the nickname of the guy who took your virginity, thus leaving the poor child to deal with flying monkey jokes for the rest of his life. A witch naming her child Oz? That's sick, you know.
Hi, my name is Xander!
Congratulations, your child will be named Jesse or Jessica. No exceptions!
Any other children will be named after other Scoobies, because you don't have any originality, either.
Hi, my name is Angel!
First off, no more reproducing for you.
Secondly, if you are going to name your child something, it will be incredibly Irish. It's entirely possible that your kid's birth certificate will come complete with a box of "Lucky Charms" and a DVD of "The Commitments".
Hi, my name is Spike!
Congratulations, you'll be deferring to the naming whims of whoever you impregnated. (Or, in rare cases, whoever impregnated you.) If you do get a choice, you'll usually suggest Joyce or Anne, because let's face it, you're usually impregnating Buffy, and even when you're not, you're more often than not borrowing her brain cells.
Hi, my name is Giles!
Congratulations, you had sex! And apparently, your partner didn't die or leave the country shortly after. Go, you!
This means, of course, that you have impregnated a Scooby, you cradle-robbing bastard. As such, girls will always be named Jenny without fail. It's also possible you would name a son Jenny if you could, because you're carrying That. Much. Guilt.
Hi, my name is Anya!
Congratulations, although why I'm congratulating you when you have more sex than the population of California is beyond me. Odds are that you will give your child some annoyingly trendy name. They'll hate you for it in the long run, but they'll hate when you talk about sex in front of their friends more, so you've got that going for you.
Hi, my name is Dawn!
You're not allowed to bear children, even in fic. I don't care if you're written as a thirty-year-old woman with a career and a loving husband who's not a Scooby. We all know you will eternally look like Michelle Trachtenberg at the age of 15, so the thought of you reproducing is gross and disturbing. You're obviously hallucinating. Stop that.
Hi, my name is Cordelia!
Congratu--
Wait, are you pregnant with demon children again? Tell you what, go to the OB, double-check their humanity, then get back to me.
Hi, my name is Oz!
Congratulations, you got back together with Willow! Well, you had to have, because quite frankly that's the only way you ever have kids in fanfic. Just a warning - you'll be deferring to Willow on this one, and it's possible she'll be naming your son after the guy she cheated on you with. (Best friend, guy sh cheated with ... same difference, really.)
Hi, my name is Faith!
Congratulations ... oh, sorry. Chances are, you didn't want this kid, but one Snickers bar and a copy of "What To Expect When You're Expecting" is all it will take to get you on board with the whole baby thing. Of couse, in fanfic, it will get in the way of you nailing anyone that stands still long enough, but babies are just so damn cute.
What you will have depends on who knocked you up. If you actually got pregnant during heterosexual sex, it'll be a boy, and it'll probably be Xander's, and he'll get you to name the kid Jesse whether you like it or not. If you somehow managed to get knocked up during some hot girl-on-girl action, no test needed, as this is definitely Buffy's child, and you're just going to have to deal with Joyce or Anne. Well, unless you're allowed to be your real self in the story, in which case you'll push for Elizabeth because no one will bother to tell you that Buffy's real name is Buffy.
Hi, my name is Wesley!
Oh, give me a break. Like you'd impregnate a woman.
Wait, did you knock up Angel? Oh, okay. In that case, refer back to the incredibly-Irish rule.
Hi, my name is Fred!
Congratulations! So, when's the paternity test?
Seriously, though, considering your child's father could be anyone -- and I mean anyone -- in the Buffyverse, your choices for baby names will vary, but will undoubtedly be adorable beyond all human comprehension. And your baby will grow up to be stronger than Angel and smarter than Wesley and snarkier than Spike, because that's what happens when Mary Sues spawn.
Hi, my name is Gunn!
Congratulations, you knocked up Fred! Or at least, that's what the paternity test said.
Anyway, your child will probably be a girl, because in fanfic, the tougher a man you are, the more feminine your child. Then again, you do your softer moments ... maybe Fred gives birth to a drag queen. You will probably name your child after your sister or Cordy, and any sons you have will be Charles Jr.
Okay, now somebody do this for other fandoms, 'cause I have to go to work.