Okay, that's it. I've had enough.

[apocalypsos]

If I have to hear one more thing about the Friends finale on the radio or TV today, I'm going to kick a puppy. So to prevent this sort of thing, I present to you a short FAQ for those who have questions regarding the finale tonight.


So. What happens during tonight's episode?

I'm not telling. That would be cheating.

Oh, come on!

Oh, all right. Everybody dies.

They do not!

No, but I can dream.

Ooo, do Ross and Rachel get together?

Yes. And no. Then yes, and then no. It's a race to the finish line to see how many times they can break up and get back together before the end of the episode!

It is not.

Well, it would be if it were a clip show.

You don't really hate Ross and Rachel that much, do you?

Dude, if any of you were in a relationship with a guy like Ross or a girl like Rachel, and you just kept going back, I wouldn't wish and hope and pray and stuff that the two of you hook up forever and ever 'cause it's romaaaaaantic.

I would hit you.

Hard.

With a two-by-four.

Over and over again in the head until I knocked some fucking sense into your skull.

But they have a baby together!

Yes, and so does Michael Jackson, with a woman. And we all know how wrong that would be.

Oh, it's over! Whatever shall I do with my Thursday nights?

Well, pigs have orgasms for a half an hour. Maybe you could do that for a half hour every Thursday night.

But, seriously, without being able to watch Friends, my life will be incomplete!

First off, get a hobby. Like, yesterday.

Secondly, it's called TBS. And it's always playing Friends. Trust me. Turn it on right now.

See?

But now that Friends is over, what will the actors do?

Well, after they're done bawling, Jennifer Aniston will go home and have sex repeatedly with Brad Pitt, just because she can. Courtney Cox will spend the next few years blissfully happy until it suddenly occurs to her one day while she's washing the dishes that she's married to David Arquette. Lisa Kudrow will do a succession of independent films made on what Bill Gates scrapes out of his couch every week, while Matthew Perry will make one bad "Whole Nine Yards" sequel after another until they start having to measure by light-years. David Schwimmer will be washing cars this Saturday at the local high school for his rent charity, and after a failed attempt at a spinoff, Matt LeBlanc will, of course, do porn.

How can you be so cruel? Friends is an institution!

Yeah, well, so is marriage. And Belleview.

Comments

[topaz08.livejournal.com]

Can I come live with you?

[ladysorka]

I have never seen a full episode of Friends in my life.

Don't plan to start now.

(I have also never seen a full episode of Seinfeld. Or Cheers. Or Survivor. Or American Idol. It's possible that I'm not actually American and am just posing.)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_redpanda_/]

Are you me...?!

[hamadryad.livejournal.com]

I've seen almost one full episode of Seinfeld, and I used to watch Cheers when I was in my teens. *I* have never even seen an episode of The Real World!

[linaerys.livejournal.com]

You rock. After listening to BFSister and various female relatives of BF talk about the Friends finale ad nauseum this past weekend, I could not agree more with everything you've said. The show was funny for, like, a minute, 8 years ago. Everyone needs to get over it already.

Matt LeBlanc will, of course, do porn.

Yeah, like, yesterday.

[siegeofangels.livejournal.com]

Ooh, icon-love! There's not as much Yul Brynner in this world (read: LJ) as there should be.

[lil1pinay.livejournal.com]

I'd download Matt LeBlanc porn. Shoooooot.

[gypsyjr.livejournal.com]

Dude, if any of you were in a relationship with a guy like Ross or a girl like Rachel, and you just kept going back, I wouldn't wish and hope and pray and stuff that the two of you hook up forever and ever 'cause it's romaaaaaantic.

I would hit you.

A-FREAKING-MEN.

[kar0na.livejournal.com]

LOVE the icon. I want one!

[thebratqueen.livejournal.com]

pigs have orgasms for a half an hour

Well I know what I'm coming back as in my next incarnation.

[drazzi.livejournal.com]

But ladybirds/ladybugs have them for 8 hours, go for the gold!

[voleuse.livejournal.com]

*g* I've been watching Friends since the beginning (though not faithfully, for the past couple of years), but ITA.

People talk about the finale as if, I paraphrase Jon Stewart, "Food will no longer taste good after the show is over." ::headdesk::

[cacahuate.livejournal.com]

Yes, same here. For the past, oh, four seasons, Friends has been floundering like a pathetic floundering thing, and it needs to be shot. Like now. Or like four years ago, but no, 'parently not.

The good episodes of Friends will be playing on every channel that plays reruns of anything over and over forever. Until maybe a millennium from now, when I think you'll find... that you're dead.

[eccentrici.livejournal.com]

LOL! Great post. I am so sick of hearing "What will the actors do after Friends ends?" They are all freaking multi-millionaires!! If it was me, I would be rolling around naked on my millions and squeeling with joy because I'll never have to work again. Then I'd hire some well-built 19 year old cabana boys to fan with me palm fronds and....

[casapazzo.livejournal.com]

Dude, if any of you were in a relationship with a guy like Ross or a girl like Rachel, and you just kept going back, I wouldn't wish and hope and pray and stuff that the two of you hook up forever and ever 'cause it's romaaaaaantic.

Dear god, yes. I'd already stopped watching regularly a few years ago, but that's what made me stop watching altogether - when I heard this season they were going to go back to the Ross/Rachel are Meant! To! Be! crap. ::gag::

Jennifer Aniston will go home and have sex repeatedly with Brad Pitt, just because she can.

We should all be so lucky.

[pescivendolo.livejournal.com]

Is that a Michael Samuelle icon? That is beautiful. Just beautiful. Wow.

[naodrith.livejournal.com]

It's funny 'cause it's true.

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

Oh, all right. Everybody dies.


If only.

[nashhole.livejournal.com]

I adore you, and this post.

I agree to all of the above, and you know the sickest part?

I'm totally watching it.

I'm not even a *fan* of the show, my motivation is pure evil. I want to sit and mock it. Then, when I'm done, I'll come sit here at ya olde computer and read about *everyone* mocking it.

[sabotabby]

Having been forced to sit through an episode on a plane once, I hope it ends a la Buffy with the entire town getting turned into a giant crater, except no one would escape.

[mice.livejournal.com]

Ooh! Can I add one?

Q: How can I live in a world without Friends?

A: Who says you have to? Here, have scissors. Run - preferably into them.

[theliel.livejournal.com]

pure <$

anywya, i'll be working. so i won't have to deal with this crap:)
but they pre-empted law and order, with the immortal idol of justice jerry orbach. *grump*

anyway, we think you're quite witty and can't be al lthat bad,d espite your penchant for bad slash

[illian.livejournal.com]

But will it be the porn where supposedly closeted David Schwimmer seduces Matt LeBlanc?!

Inquiring minds want to know!

[spyderqueen.livejournal.com]

So very much metaquotes-ed

[wal-lace.livejournal.com]

Okay... Does anybody actually believe the Joey spinoff is going to be any good whatsoever?

Anybody meaning anybody who isn't Matt Le Blanc, of course.

[theliel.livejournal.com]

i don't think ANYONE belives it'll be good. however, i think a large part of NBC thinks they can stell more enzyte/tampax commercials to the pepole who are obsessed enough to watch the show, at least for a season or two.

[cacklebang.livejournal.com]

Hey now, I'm just waiting for Ross to come out of the closet. (note that I have only seen maybe.. five episodes total.)

[nerdcakes.livejournal.com]

Dude! I just had a dream about Ross coming out of the closet the other night! It was worryingly graphic, but iti did involve him going to Gay Nite At Tescos.

I just thought I should share that. I'm sorry.

[laurelin-kit.livejournal.com]

I have never seen an episode. Five minutes was enough and I wanted to shoot myself. I have only seen American Idol waiting for 24 to start. I watch Survivor, I admit. I wanted to shag Lex (the tattooed one) until he could no longer breathe and every inch of his tattooed skin was numb and tingly. I know he's 40 and married. That only makes it better. At least the first part, anyway. I have never watched MTV. Ever. I've never seen Seinfeld. I've never watched Cheers. I've never watched Seventh Heaven, except for once when my sadistic homeroom teacher thought we should see a Very Special Seventh Heaven on school violence or something.

Friends needs to die. Someone on the radio played an announcement about 'It all ends todaaay' with My Immortal in the background. For fucking Friends! It doesn't even deserve italics!

[polaris-starz.livejournal.com]

I've never seen any of those shows. My TV, if it is even on, is always on Food or History Channel. I've only ever seen half an episode of Friends; I fled upstairs halfway through and watched movies to erase the pain.

The only show I ever watched religiously was So Weird, and that was on Disney Channel.

[wal-lace.livejournal.com]

Completely unconnected, but I saw this, and thought of you.

To someone like you*, perhaps the ultimate in semi-worksafe pornography.


*As if there could ever be more than one of you.

*dies laughing*

[tsuki-no-yami.livejournal.com]

I found my way here through metaquotes too.
*worshipful puppy dog eyes*
You're my hero. Can I friend you?

[sleepyaardvark.livejournal.com]

I love this. I wanna come live with you too.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Okay, but this rate there's going to be twenty of us sharing the same bed. :)