Okay, that's it. I've had enough.

[apocalypsos]

If I have to hear one more thing about the Friends finale on the radio or TV today, I'm going to kick a puppy. So to prevent this sort of thing, I present to you a short FAQ for those who have questions regarding the finale tonight.


So. What happens during tonight's episode?

I'm not telling. That would be cheating.

Oh, come on!

Oh, all right. Everybody dies.

They do not!

No, but I can dream.

Ooo, do Ross and Rachel get together?

Yes. And no. Then yes, and then no. It's a race to the finish line to see how many times they can break up and get back together before the end of the episode!

It is not.

Well, it would be if it were a clip show.

You don't really hate Ross and Rachel that much, do you?

Dude, if any of you were in a relationship with a guy like Ross or a girl like Rachel, and you just kept going back, I wouldn't wish and hope and pray and stuff that the two of you hook up forever and ever 'cause it's romaaaaaantic.

I would hit you.

Hard.

With a two-by-four.

Over and over again in the head until I knocked some fucking sense into your skull.

But they have a baby together!

Yes, and so does Michael Jackson, with a woman. And we all know how wrong that would be.

Oh, it's over! Whatever shall I do with my Thursday nights?

Well, pigs have orgasms for a half an hour. Maybe you could do that for a half hour every Thursday night.

But, seriously, without being able to watch Friends, my life will be incomplete!

First off, get a hobby. Like, yesterday.

Secondly, it's called TBS. And it's always playing Friends. Trust me. Turn it on right now.

See?

But now that Friends is over, what will the actors do?

Well, after they're done bawling, Jennifer Aniston will go home and have sex repeatedly with Brad Pitt, just because she can. Courtney Cox will spend the next few years blissfully happy until it suddenly occurs to her one day while she's washing the dishes that she's married to David Arquette. Lisa Kudrow will do a succession of independent films made on what Bill Gates scrapes out of his couch every week, while Matthew Perry will make one bad "Whole Nine Yards" sequel after another until they start having to measure by light-years. David Schwimmer will be washing cars this Saturday at the local high school for his rent charity, and after a failed attempt at a spinoff, Matt LeBlanc will, of course, do porn.

How can you be so cruel? Friends is an institution!

Yeah, well, so is marriage. And Belleview.

Comments

[greyaugust.livejournal.com]

Found my way here from metaquotes too. I definitely had to have a friend explain the Ross/Rachel thing to me, despite living in Kentucky. Because god, food network is good for the soul, whereas Friends is, now that I understand, apparently responsible for everyone at Uni.

Perhaps we could use this as genepool cleansing? Anyone who is offended by your post will have their reproductive organs removed immediately?