I just need to vent, so if you're not up to reading whinging, you might want to skim past.

[apocalypsos]

God, I am just really fucking stressed out right now.

I have to pay rent, my car payment, and my health insurance this week, and after that I've got nothing. No, wait, I've got two dollars in change until I get paid again two weeks from now. And while I've already bought groceries and I'll be fine with food until then, I have my brother's comedy show tonight ($10, but I probably won't have to pay for that) and Jess's block party on Saturday, which is free but stops being fun when all you can afford is water. Water I put in a bottle at my house and bring with me, for that matter.

I've been off since March. I've been touch-and-go with work since December. I would love to go back to college, but I have such shite credit I won't be able to pay for it without a miracle. The job market here is ridiculous. Once you ferret out the ads for RNs and truckers, there's practically nothing that would pay my bills all by itself and considering the lack of options, I highly doubt I can even get two jobs in this area, and if I did, I don't think I could physically handle it. And I'm still debating donating plasma, mostly because I've done it before and after a while of doing it regularly I can't afford to stop but get exhausted from doing it all the time.

I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired of shit not going my way, you know? I keep saying I need one good thing to happen to me, just ONE good thing, and I keep trying and trying and ... nothing. I can't say it's not my fault most of the time, either. I'm the one who didn't finish college the first time, I'm the one who decided to trash my credit while I was there, I'm the one who spent so many years being a fumbling antisocial wallflower, and I'm the one who reaches predictable stages in new manuscripts and flips out and gets writer's block for six months out of stress.

I feel like I want to get out of here for a weekend, and I can't afford it. I might want to move, but I can't afford it anyway. I want to go out to the bar with Jess or go to the movies or go to the cafe more often for their yummy cheap lunches, but I can't afford it. It would be easier if I had a roommate, but I've already learned that I stress out roommates as much as they stress out me and then it all goes to shit and I might as well just bang my head off the wall for a week straight now and save myself the fun of letting someone else move in.

I'm terrified on some level, that everything's going to collapse until I just don't have anything anymore. Right now, I have a roof over my head, a cat who curls up under the covers with me at night, an agent, and more than two people who aren't relatives who'd be willing to come pick me up if my car broke down on the side of the road somewhere, and hell, that's more than a lot of people have. I'm worried that I'm just going to stress myself to the point of making myself sick at this rate.

*sigh*

I think I need to go up to my parents' house and lie on the living room floor and let all seven cats crawl all over me begging for attention as if no one ever pays attention to them otherwise like they always do.

Comments

[shinetheway.livejournal.com]

[hugs you very tightly]

It sounds like an awful place to be in, but you've got a lot going for you. It sounds like the most critical period is starting right now. I think donating plasma is a good idea--you don't have to do it regularly or forever, but it'll put money in your pocket to cover you for the next two weeks. Try posting a Craigslist ad if you've got an old lamp or some books or something you want to get rid of. Even ten bucks you didn't have before will be a positive thing.

I lost my job back last April, and I've been surviving on unemployment and part-time work since then, so I really do understand what you're going through. Hang in there, and don't let the stress get to you. Stress is the mind-killer, stress is the little death. [grins] And cat-therapy sounds like a great idea. If you come over, I'll even loan you my three cats for additional snuggling. (One's an alien, one's a labrador puppy, and one's neurotic, but they all love people.) Good luck, honey.

[fyrdrakken]

Yes, I recommend the cat thing. (If nothing else, it's something you want to do that's free.)

And I don't know what to tell you about the stress. Aside from focusing on the things you can do right now, the things you can personally affect, and less on the things that are outside your power to control.

[aerwynblue.livejournal.com]

All I can offer right now is a HUG from someone who is in a similar situation ( no full-time job since March, still struggling along on my part-time job and rapidly dwindling unemployment benefits, and few offers despite the multiple resumes I've been letting loose on-line "Fly!!! Be FREE!!!!", and feet that have swollen to the size of Nerf Footballs due to my possible high blood pressure-no health insurance, and it runs in the family.)

Can you go to truck-driving school? I've been thinking about looking into learning how to operate heavy machinery, I all ready know how to run a forklift and an electric powerjack (Hint-don't let go of the handle and no sudden stops!) Running a front-end loader might be fun.

The only advice I can offer is take advantage of whatever help is available to you and do what you need to do to get through this.

As Red Green once said, "I'm pulling for you; we're all in this together." (HUGS)

eta: I also recommend a kitty break-it's been scientifically proven that cats can help lower stress levels. I mean, if you can't trust science, what can you trust?

[swingangel.livejournal.com]

Have you filled out a fafsa? Just to see? I mean, you're unemployed, last year you were underemployed, and youre not a dependant. You should be eligible for grants. If your credit is shot, but you've never defaulted on a student loan you might still be able to get some of those, but I'd be surprised if you weren't offered grants.

[palmetto.livejournal.com]

Echoing this. I'm getting several thousand in grants this year. Never hurts to find out?

[lothlorienbaby.livejournal.com]

Big hugs! It's always the worst when you're totally stressed out and you don't even have money for a little tiny thing like going to a movie to make yourself feel a little better.

[maisfeeka.livejournal.com]

*lots of hugs*

[storydivagirl.livejournal.com]

1) Did your company provide you with health insurance at any point? I only ask because under the stimulus plan, anyone let go since September 2008 who had insurance can have the majority of their COBRA paid by their company. (fun things I get to know with my job)

2) Also with the stimulus package, you might want to look into school options because they were making more money available for people to further their education? Or maybe your local unemployment office can help you with what's available?

::huggles:: I'm sorry things are so hard for you.

[bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com]

I realize this is a shot in the dark, but if you ARE willing to move, have you considered AmeriCorps? There's literally hundreds of positions open in PA (I just checked) but the vast majority of them are either in Western PA or a couple hundred miles south of you.

I mean, you'd be ass poor, but it WOULD give you at least $5000 to go back to school with, and might be worth looking into.