I just need to vent, so if you're not up to reading whinging, you might want to skim past.

[apocalypsos]

God, I am just really fucking stressed out right now.

I have to pay rent, my car payment, and my health insurance this week, and after that I've got nothing. No, wait, I've got two dollars in change until I get paid again two weeks from now. And while I've already bought groceries and I'll be fine with food until then, I have my brother's comedy show tonight ($10, but I probably won't have to pay for that) and Jess's block party on Saturday, which is free but stops being fun when all you can afford is water. Water I put in a bottle at my house and bring with me, for that matter.

I've been off since March. I've been touch-and-go with work since December. I would love to go back to college, but I have such shite credit I won't be able to pay for it without a miracle. The job market here is ridiculous. Once you ferret out the ads for RNs and truckers, there's practically nothing that would pay my bills all by itself and considering the lack of options, I highly doubt I can even get two jobs in this area, and if I did, I don't think I could physically handle it. And I'm still debating donating plasma, mostly because I've done it before and after a while of doing it regularly I can't afford to stop but get exhausted from doing it all the time.

I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired of shit not going my way, you know? I keep saying I need one good thing to happen to me, just ONE good thing, and I keep trying and trying and ... nothing. I can't say it's not my fault most of the time, either. I'm the one who didn't finish college the first time, I'm the one who decided to trash my credit while I was there, I'm the one who spent so many years being a fumbling antisocial wallflower, and I'm the one who reaches predictable stages in new manuscripts and flips out and gets writer's block for six months out of stress.

I feel like I want to get out of here for a weekend, and I can't afford it. I might want to move, but I can't afford it anyway. I want to go out to the bar with Jess or go to the movies or go to the cafe more often for their yummy cheap lunches, but I can't afford it. It would be easier if I had a roommate, but I've already learned that I stress out roommates as much as they stress out me and then it all goes to shit and I might as well just bang my head off the wall for a week straight now and save myself the fun of letting someone else move in.

I'm terrified on some level, that everything's going to collapse until I just don't have anything anymore. Right now, I have a roof over my head, a cat who curls up under the covers with me at night, an agent, and more than two people who aren't relatives who'd be willing to come pick me up if my car broke down on the side of the road somewhere, and hell, that's more than a lot of people have. I'm worried that I'm just going to stress myself to the point of making myself sick at this rate.

*sigh*

I think I need to go up to my parents' house and lie on the living room floor and let all seven cats crawl all over me begging for attention as if no one ever pays attention to them otherwise like they always do.

Comments

[bunnymcfoo.livejournal.com]

I realize this is a shot in the dark, but if you ARE willing to move, have you considered AmeriCorps? There's literally hundreds of positions open in PA (I just checked) but the vast majority of them are either in Western PA or a couple hundred miles south of you.

I mean, you'd be ass poor, but it WOULD give you at least $5000 to go back to school with, and might be worth looking into.