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Once there was a corn flake named Paul. Paul was in a box with a lot of other corn flakes, but he was different from the rest. Paul had ambition. He wanted to be something more, something special. All the time he sat in the box, he kept telling the other corn flakes "I'm going to make something of myself, I have a purpose!". Then one day, Paul was poured into a bowl, covered in milk, and eaten.
Shortly thereafter, Paul found himself reincarnated as a grape-nut. Still, he had that driving knowledge that he MUST have a higher purpose, some goal. Paul told this to all the other grape-nuts around him, but no one listened. Then came the day that Paul was poured out into a bowl and, yes, eaten.
Paul was later reincarnated as a cheerio. And right now, he's sitting in that box, waiting to see whether he will achieve his higher purpose.
Does the story end here? Of course not, it's a cereal.
Shortly thereafter, Paul found himself reincarnated as a grape-nut. Still, he had that driving knowledge that he MUST have a higher purpose, some goal. Paul told this to all the other grape-nuts around him, but no one listened. Then came the day that Paul was poured out into a bowl and, yes, eaten.
Paul was later reincarnated as a cheerio. And right now, he's sitting in that box, waiting to see whether he will achieve his higher purpose.
Does the story end here? Of course not, it's a cereal.
What's brown and sticky?
A STICK!
A STICK!
That's still one of my favorites... I think I need to get out more. ;P
There once was a man from Nantucket...
Oh, wait. That's a limerick.
::thinks::
Ok, this is my favorite English Major joke, but you have to say it out loud to get it.
Q: What's the difference between a joist and a girder?
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A: Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust.
Hee. The engineers at work Did Not Get It. ::sigh::
Oh, wait. That's a limerick.
::thinks::
Ok, this is my favorite English Major joke, but you have to say it out loud to get it.
Q: What's the difference between a joist and a girder?
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A: Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust.
Hee. The engineers at work Did Not Get It. ::sigh::
The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-a-boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
However, she is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work. It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say: "Picabo, ICU ".
However, she is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work. It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say: "Picabo, ICU ".
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the dead monkey.
It was dead.
Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the dead monkey.
It's not widely known, but when Robin Hood and his Merry Men took up residence in Sherwood Forest, they had a dedicated fan club of friars who appealed to them for protection and admired how they looked in those tights. One ardent friar owned a flower shop, and would send Robin Hood a bouquet every day. Soon, Sherwood smelled ripe with rotting flowers, the Merry Men not being skilled in making vases and having no knick-knack shelves to put them on anyway.
Robin Hood decided this simply must stop. He sent Little John to ask the friar to stop. No effect; in fact, the flowers started coming twice a day. He sent Will Scarlet, who came back with a dozen roses. Finally, he sent his toughest Merry Man, Hugh, to pay a visit to the friar and tell him thanks, but no thanks. Hugh was so intimidating that they never recieved flowers again. Which just goes to show:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Robin Hood decided this simply must stop. He sent Little John to ask the friar to stop. No effect; in fact, the flowers started coming twice a day. He sent Will Scarlet, who came back with a dozen roses. Finally, he sent his toughest Merry Man, Hugh, to pay a visit to the friar and tell him thanks, but no thanks. Hugh was so intimidating that they never recieved flowers again. Which just goes to show:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Damn! I posted my version of the same joke (21st century) before I looked. It's my favorite bad joke ever. I've actually made people hurt themselves with it.
These two carrots got a brand new car, a big, shiny convertible. So as it was a gorgeous, sunny day they decided to take it out for a spin. They're driving along, and they get to an intersection, and as they're heading through it, this big truck comes out of nowhere, runs the red light and slams into them. The car is just totaled, and the carrots are rushed to the hospital.
The first carrot, who was driving, is not as badly hurt as his friend, and as soon as he's patched up and stable he starts asking to see his friend. The doctor comes in to talk to him about it, and says, "I have to tell you that there's both good news and bad news about your friend."
The driver carrot says, "What's the good news, doc?"
The doctor says, "Your friend is going to live."
Relieved, the carrot says, "Then what's the bad news?"
"He's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
-------------------
I have no idea why this one cracks my shit up every damn time I tell it.
The first carrot, who was driving, is not as badly hurt as his friend, and as soon as he's patched up and stable he starts asking to see his friend. The doctor comes in to talk to him about it, and says, "I have to tell you that there's both good news and bad news about your friend."
The driver carrot says, "What's the good news, doc?"
The doctor says, "Your friend is going to live."
Relieved, the carrot says, "Then what's the bad news?"
"He's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
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I have no idea why this one cracks my shit up every damn time I tell it.
what do you call a mexican with a vasectomy?
a dry martinez.
a dry martinez.
You know you need a new job when you see an accident on the way to work and wish it had been you.
(paraphrased from last month’s Playboy)
A US Army convoy on the way to Basra comes across a wounded and unconscious Iraqi insurgent and a wounded semi-conscious US Marine in the middle of the road. The medics are patching them both up and one of them asks the Marine what happened.
“Well, I saw this insurgent on the other side of the road, and I pointed my gun at him and yelled ‘Saddam Hussein is an asshole!’ Then he pointed his gun at me and yelled ‘George Bush is an asshole!’”
“So what happened?”
“We were in the middle of the road, shaking hands when a truck hit us.”
A US Army convoy on the way to Basra comes across a wounded and unconscious Iraqi insurgent and a wounded semi-conscious US Marine in the middle of the road. The medics are patching them both up and one of them asks the Marine what happened.
“Well, I saw this insurgent on the other side of the road, and I pointed my gun at him and yelled ‘Saddam Hussein is an asshole!’ Then he pointed his gun at me and yelled ‘George Bush is an asshole!’”
“So what happened?”
“We were in the middle of the road, shaking hands when a truck hit us.”
A duck walks into a drug store and takes some chapstick off the shelf. He starts to walk out with it and the guy behind the counter says, "hey, duck, aren't you going to pay for that?"
The duck says, "put it on my bill."
----
It's either this one or the one about the buddhist monk and the hot dog vendor.
The duck says, "put it on my bill."
----
It's either this one or the one about the buddhist monk and the hot dog vendor.
So two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first one turns to the second one and says, "Man, it's getting kind of hot in here."
And the other one says, "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!"
And the other one says, "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!"
A Jew, Moshe, living in Renaissance England has made himself very successful and has earned the respect of the nobility and the Crown. The Queen decides to honor Moshe by knighting him to acknowledge his contributions to the country.
The Queen sends an advisor to help Moshe prepare. Moshe doesn't know any Latin and doesn't know the etiquette for the knighting ceremony, so the advisor has his work cut out for him. But Moshe applies himself and after several weeks of hard work and memorization, he's finally ready to go before the Queen.
He dresses in his finest clothes and spends the mandatory night of conteplation with his advisor, going over everything one last time.
The next morning, he appears before the Queen. In his awe and nervousness, combined with his sleepless night, he forgets everything he's supposed to say. He kneels before the Queen, racking his brain for the Latin phrases he worked so hard to memorize, but it's no use. He can't seem to concentrate.
At last, to break the silence, he says the only phrase in a foreign language that he can think of:
"Ma nishtanah halilah hazeh mikol haleylot?" he says, though he knows it's not even Latin.
Confused, the Queen looks to the advisor and says, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
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Doncha love bilingual jokes?
The Queen sends an advisor to help Moshe prepare. Moshe doesn't know any Latin and doesn't know the etiquette for the knighting ceremony, so the advisor has his work cut out for him. But Moshe applies himself and after several weeks of hard work and memorization, he's finally ready to go before the Queen.
He dresses in his finest clothes and spends the mandatory night of conteplation with his advisor, going over everything one last time.
The next morning, he appears before the Queen. In his awe and nervousness, combined with his sleepless night, he forgets everything he's supposed to say. He kneels before the Queen, racking his brain for the Latin phrases he worked so hard to memorize, but it's no use. He can't seem to concentrate.
At last, to break the silence, he says the only phrase in a foreign language that he can think of:
"Ma nishtanah halilah hazeh mikol haleylot?" he says, though he knows it's not even Latin.
Confused, the Queen looks to the advisor and says, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
-------------------
Doncha love bilingual jokes?
What's black & white and red/read all over?
...
A nun in a blender.
...
A nun in a blender.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania. He bragged that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Kentucky. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
Got to love Canadian girls!
The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania. He bragged that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Kentucky. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
Got to love Canadian girls!
(I just heard this one today, so I'm probably going to screw it up / tell it badly. It probably didn't help that the guy who told it to me kept giggling.)
Jane got a job as a nurse at a mental institution. On her first day, the head nurse told her that instead of actually starting work that day, she should walk around and get to know the patients.
She went into the first room, where a large woman was singing. Jane asked the woman what she was going to do when she got out of the hospital. "I'm going to be an opera singer."
She went to the second room, where a woman was dancing. Jane asked her what she was going to do when she got out. "I'm going to be a ballerina."
She went into the third room, where a naked man was picking up nuts, setting them on his penis, and then putting them on the table. She asked him what he was going to do when he got out. "Lady, are you kidding me? I'm fucking nuts!"
Jane got a job as a nurse at a mental institution. On her first day, the head nurse told her that instead of actually starting work that day, she should walk around and get to know the patients.
She went into the first room, where a large woman was singing. Jane asked the woman what she was going to do when she got out of the hospital. "I'm going to be an opera singer."
She went to the second room, where a woman was dancing. Jane asked her what she was going to do when she got out. "I'm going to be a ballerina."
She went into the third room, where a naked man was picking up nuts, setting them on his penis, and then putting them on the table. She asked him what he was going to do when he got out. "Lady, are you kidding me? I'm fucking nuts!"
What do you get when you have a agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night contemplating the meaning of Dog.
Someone who stays up all night contemplating the meaning of Dog.
A man walked into a bar and said,
"Ow."
"Ow."
OMG! My sides ache!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sadly, these are the only jokes I can remember at the moment. They work best if you know that Surrey is rather infamous around these parts for, well, it's pretty obvious ;)
What's the first thing a Surrey girl does when she gets up in the morning?
She goes home.
What's the most confusing day in Surrey?
Father's Day.
What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a shopping cart?
A shopping cart has a mind of its own.
What's the difference between a Surrey girl and The Titanic?
Fewer people went down on the Titanic.
What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a German Shepherd?
Lip gloss.
What's the first thing a Surrey girl does when she gets up in the morning?
She goes home.
What's the most confusing day in Surrey?
Father's Day.
What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a shopping cart?
A shopping cart has a mind of its own.
What's the difference between a Surrey girl and The Titanic?
Fewer people went down on the Titanic.
What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a German Shepherd?
Lip gloss.
Hey, I'm from Surrey! That said... ehehehe... Gosh, who can I think of that would apply to...
HA HA HA HA! I totally read it, laughed out loud, very loudly, the saw who wrote it and was very pleased.
(Heard this off a Denver radio station)
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed under the covers. The chicken has this very satisified look on its face; the egg, however, looks a bit...disgruntled. The chicken lights up a cigarette, all bliss.
At this point, the egg rolls over, pulls up the covers more, and says, "Now we know the answer to that question."
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed under the covers. The chicken has this very satisified look on its face; the egg, however, looks a bit...disgruntled. The chicken lights up a cigarette, all bliss.
At this point, the egg rolls over, pulls up the covers more, and says, "Now we know the answer to that question."
That's off a 'Bestie' greeting-type card! My Mum got it for her Bday. lol!
So, there are these two cows in a field. One cow says to the other, "I'm kind of worried about this whole 'mad cow' thing that's going around. Does it bother you at all?"
The second cow says, "What are you talking about? I'm a tractor."
The second cow says, "What are you talking about? I'm a tractor."
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