apocalypsos | Clearly I'm losing it.

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Clearly I'm losing it.

I just watched video of the Obamas making tuna salad from an old 60 Minutes interview. Apparently I'm running out of things to watch. Heh.

Oh, and I finished Breaking Dawn.

--You know, it was fucking annoying as is when Bella was referring to her parents by their first names in the text but I might have let it slide if it were just her, and then it switched to Jacob's POV and he was calling his dad "Billy." No, I'm sorry, fuck THAT.

-- I thought Renesmee looked stupid before and then I read it in context. And the thing is, I started to realize that the extra E at the end was killing it for me (you know, as much as that awful name can be killed). Every time somebody called her Nessie, I called her Smee in my head. It made for a lot of stupid Peter Pan jokes.

-- Boy, I thought I hated Bella when she was human. Oh, it got so much worse after the Goriest Discovery Health Special EVER. Oh, she's good at everything? Oh, lovely. I'm sure that'll fix that problem with her being so fucking boring.

-- Emmett is my favorite. I could read an entire book about him alternately watching football games on cable and punching things, as long as Smeyer didn't write it.

-- No, Smeyer, Jacob imprinting on the infant actually IS creepy. In about a THOUSAND different ways. Sorry!

-- The final "battle" was the least exciting "fight" I've ever seen. I've been involved in more interesting rounds of thumb wrestling. Also, it amused me how when it supposedly looked they were all going to die (did too! Smeyer said so!), it seemed like she named every damn person who showed up with the Cullens and what they did before they thought they were going to die. "Rosalie and Emmett made out. Renesmee snuggled with Jacob, who mostly just sat there being russet-colored. Edward and I hugged in a very chaste way. The Romanian vampires flapped their capes around. Sam, Embry, Quil, Paul, Jared, Leah, Seth, and the forty-seven million wolves we didn't get to meet and were too stupid to know would turn if we held a vamp convention at the house panted heavily. The uncomfortable portrait of Amazonian natives I got from an old issue of National Geographic did something vaguely stereotypical. Crazy adventuresome Garrett went extreme skydiving. Kate guest-starred on Heroes when Kristen Bell had to go in for an appendectomy. AND SO ON."

-- Oh, oh! But the best was the beginning of the very last chapter, which starts out with Edward saying something like, "... so you see, the deciding factor that saved us all was Bella." YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE ROOM WHO WAS ALSO THERE.

-- Exactly how drunk was the editor? Because the only reason I didn't start marking the errors was because it's a library book.

-- The paternity thing bugs me even more now. I know it's not BD that had the whole Embry thing, but seriously, how fucking difficult was that to answer? There were three possibilities! PICK ONE. Oh, my God, even I can give a thoughtful response to that. Watch.

He's Quil's brother. This way, nobody's status as Alpha gets complicated, Embry gets a brother he clearly likes, and Billy doesn't look like a jerk who cheated on his dead wife.

BOY, THAT WAS HARD. *headdesk*

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The video of the Obamas is adorable and so ordinary. They're just normal people, and it makes me love them more.

Thanks to the magic of wonderful people like you on the internets, I never ever have to read Breaking Dawn. Thank you.

I am horrified and impressed that you were even able to read that book at all. :D I only read Cleolinda's recaps, that was scarring enough.

I did the smart thing and only read it at work. That way, I had nothing better to read anywhere nearby so I had no choice unless I wanted to ... you know, work. :)

Bun, my 16 year old, picked up a copy of Twilight. All the girls at her school are obsessed with it.

She read 2 pages, handed it back to its owner and said "That's hideous. Bad bad bad. My mom writes better than that. I could write better than that!"

And just think ... that was the GOOD one. The quality declines drastically after that.

Hilariously, all the people who have tried to get me to read Twilight? Have been boys.

Yeah, I read the first two books while I was on a boat sailing in circles off the coast of Finland. Once I got back home I couldn't make myself read any more of them.

I just downloaded it and WOW, now I am excited to read it... Actually, I'm on the third one now, having finally slogged my way through the end of New Moon (snooozers) and I have to say, I think she lowered my expectations significantly enough with the first two that I can't even be offended by the terrible writing and clumsy structure on this third one.

The fourth one sounds like a clusterfuck, though. Should be fun.

so, does the way relationships and love are depicted in these novels scare the bejesus out of you, or is it just me? I mean, we've now got a whole generation of girls who think that sitting around being limp rags while their One True Love comes to save them from their own stupidity constitutes romance.

(and i haven't managed to read BD yet. ugh.)

I'd call it less hilarious and more horrifying -- this of course being me presuming that the boys in question have actually read it themselves and are trying to convert more young women to its skeevy dysfunctional stalkerific vision of "romance."

Every time somebody called her Nessie, I called her Smee in my head. It made for a lot of stupid Peter Pan jokes.

<3.

oh thank god I wasn't the only one.

Stephenie Meyer IS Bella Swan. Bella Swan is the hero of the books and she can do no wrong. Edward Cullen is a ken doll in severe need of some concealer and a spray on tan. Emmett? MADE OF WIN. Rosalie needs to have her ass handed to her on a platter and Alice/Jasper? Well Alice was fucking annoying. She was always going over the top and being extravagant. Jasper was a bit blah for me in this book.

Jacob? Yeah He was ok for a bit then the whole "I always wanted to see her naked, but no like this" was killer. Yick. 15-16 year old with an infant? PERVERT!

And you realize, Jacob isn't the only one who imprints on a baby. Another werewolf (Quin, I think his name is) imprints on a baby and, when Bella meets him, is raising little two-year-old Claire until she's old enough to have sex with. The fact that to Claire, Quin is essentially her father, and that she might not love Quin when she grows up (and might find the notion of screwing THE FATHER FIGURE WHO HAS BEEN IN LOVE WITH HER SINCE SHE WAS AN INFANT rather icky)...nope, none of that is an issue. Quin has imprinted on Claire, so there will never be another girl for him. Therefore, Claire must love him. Women in Twilight only exist to have sex with men, after all. The men do all the thinking for them.

Oh, and Bella/SMeyers goes from thinking that this is very weird to thinking that this is very sweet and self-sacrificing and romantic in 2.1 seconds.

It's the clusterfuck that'll take you a MONTH to read, because it's so damn boring after The Gory Part, you literally will fall asleep reading it.

Oh EGAD!

That's a bad ripoff of Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan, where Q raises O from early childhood and they eventually drift into being lovers.

Ick.
I thought I was pushing it by letting a slave actually care about his master. This...this makes me look tame.

Geez. I seriously didn't think anyone could make vampires more boring than Anne Rice, but apparently SMeyer is trying to take the Boring Prize away.

The really boring bits in Breaking Dawn come in two parts:

1. Bella is the perfect vampire in every way, shape and form. She's gorgeous, she has almost no problems pulling away from attacking humans, she doesn't go insane for the first year like everybody else, she has like forty bajillion powers, she has a magic baby and a rich husband ... personally, I thought it was hilarious the more obvious Smeyer's self-insertion wish became.

2. Five million vampires show up to "witness" for Renesmee (which, boy, it's a good thing that doesn't have religious connotations or anything!), half of whom we've never met before. And then at the final battle nothing happens. I mean, it's almost all threat and no followthrough, except for one character we don't actually give a damn about. If I'm remembering correctly (although it's possible my brain's just making it up based on how much she seems like a total amateur), Smeyer made some comment along the lines of, "I couldn't kill off my characters, I looooove them!" Which ... oh, princess, NO.

Plus, there's the fact that Smeyer freely admits she didn't really research vampires so she wouldn't cloud her vision or some bullshit, which is great because she completely missed the sexual overtones of pretty much every vampire story known to man. What sex she does try to cram in there seems like it comes less from the vampire angle and more from the teenage one and makes Bella look like a slut who has to be taken into hand by Edward the hundred-year-old prude. It's creepy.

A friend of mine (male, 22) saw me reading my Buffy TPB yesterday, leaned over and asked, "Ooh, which one's Esme?" I have the horrifying feeling thought I was reading a Twilight comic until he took a closer look.

The whole thing sounds creepy. I want to know, is Smeyer a virgin? Does she understand the principles behind sex and reproduction? Or is this like a Clan of the Cave Bear thing with vampire spirits impregnating the women folk?

She's married with three kids. Which just makes it worse, because I really am a virgin and if I'm critiquing your sex scenes that's just sad.

...wow. Maybe she has sex in total darkness. She clearly has a severe lack of understanding about exactly how those babies got in her belly.

Well, she is Mormon. Which ... I'm not knocking the religion itself, really, but it explains a lot about the books, doesn't it? (Actually,

stoney321 reviewed the books hilariously with some great commentary on the Mormon meta here.)

One of my best friends is Mormon... and I am pretty sure she understands human biology better than Smeyer. Well, she also had me to ask all her sex questions, and one of her favorite things about being Mormon is that she gets to have sex in Heaven. And her husband is a doctor, so that probably helps, what with him understanding all the parts involved and how it works.

I know there was an article or interview or something where Smeyer said her pastor (Priest? Reverend? Crap, giving up on Catholicism broke my religion brain) went over every book before sending it in. NO, SMEYER, A DOCTOR. A SEX ED TEACHER. ANY TEACHER. *headdesk*

I get the impression it's partly the Mormon thing and partly the fact that Smeyer seems like she's totally sheltered. The hilarious thing is that Bella is such a freaking self-insert and yet the character I'd be more likely to compare her to is Renee.

The final "battle" was the least exciting "fight" I've ever seen.

Oh, the rage I felt when I realized I read 700 pages of nothing happening. And I vote that you can't consider Bella describing how she really hot while changing into a vampire for 10 pages, giving birth to a creepy baby who can read minds, and werewolves talking to each other in italics for half the book as 'something happening'.

Not to mention all the scenes in which Bella is laying on the couch like a silent, suffering saint bestowing her benediction on everyone. Ugh.

Not to mention all the scenes in which Bella is laying on the couch like a silent, suffering saint bestowing her benediction on everyone

OMG YES. Where one or more of them are draped over her at any given moment, petting her or feeding her or staring at her beatifically? That was fucking BRILLIANT.

I believe Edward was in such anguish that he simply laid his head at her feet, instead of actually DOING SOMETHING.

In conclusion, Twilight is the story of how Meyer basically wants a hot guy who sparkles to pick her up and carry her around everytime she falls and sprains her ankle, gets sick, faints at blood, almost gets hit by a car, almost gets gang raped, and has a half vampire-half human baby breaking her ribs.

Its rather disgusting. Does SMeyer live in the dark ages?

No, but she's a Mormon. Mormons believe that people's families and future spouses are arranged before they're born, before their souls enter bodies. It's also not unusual for parents to arrange a marriage when one or both parties are still infants, or for an elder of the church to talk to a father about a possible husband for a girl of sixteen to nineteen. The girl gets very little say in the matter; the presumption is that God is acting through the father and the elder for the girl's benefit.

It's pretty damn boring before the gory part too.

Breaking Dawn was a Mary Sue. How can you go from plain-looking-klutz to drop-dead-gorgeous-poised-full-of-instant-motherly-instincts-mother. Or whatever. The best thing about that book was that it completed the series. And Emmett. Everything else was a joke. At least it was better than how JKR hack job at the end of her last book.

I think Smeyer is Morman or something. Probably of th sect that has to throw a blanket between her and her husband to have sex.

That's so confusing, because Mormons aren't really anti-sex. They aren't even anti-birth control. I think it's more to do with her lack of brain than her religion...

Honestly, I can't suggest that

stoney321 link enough. It really does have a good handle on how the Mormon stuff plays into the books, since Stoney was raised Mormon. I guess it's not so much being anti-sex as it is factoring in Mormon attitudes towards sex and family. Plus, the recaps are funny as hell. :)

I think my Mormon is a lot different than normal Mormons. I mean, she met her husband because they were the only two members of the BYU democrats and her father is an Anthropology professor who studies African witchcraft. Her entire family are liberal democrats except her brother, who somehow turned out Republican and they don't get him at ALL.

Heh. She sounds awesome. :)

She is awesome! She's getting her master's degree in Human Rights, which I didn't even know was a thing, but apparently it is. And she still goes to church 92362 times a week, and yet remains totally awesome.

Mormons believe that people's families and future spouses are arranged before they're born, before their souls enter bodies.

Um, nope. I was born and raised Mormon; that's just not accurate in terms of church theology. As for Mormon culture... eh, you'll probably find some of the 'one true love' thing, but it's not actually doctrine.

No arranged marriages, either, at least not in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I'm using the full name for a reason--some splinter groups that are often referred to as Mormon or fundamentalist Mormon or other variations definitely do arrange marriages for young girls. But they're not members of my church, they're separate. And Meyers is LDS, not a member of one of the splinter groups.

Sorry for butting in on

trollprincess's LJ. I was giggling while reading the Breaking Dawn recap.

I was talking about pre-mortal existence. I found this quote (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pre-existence#Pre-mortal_existence_in_Mormonism_.28Latter-day_Saints.29):

In 1857, Young stated that every person was "a son or a daughter of [the Father]. In the spirit world their spirits were first begotten and brought forth, and they lived there with their parents for ages before they came here." 4 J.D. 218.

I'm sorry if I was wrong. In the few books I've read on real-life Mormons, the people being written about spoke of families and spouses being arranged before birth, and the quote does sound like Young was talking about families in heaven and on earth.

No arranged marriages, either, at least not in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I'm using the full name for a reason--some splinter groups that are often referred to as Mormon or fundamentalist Mormon or other variations definitely do arrange marriages for young girls. But they're not members of my church, they're separate.

Ah, then I was probably thinking of one of the splinter groups. I don't recall anyone making distinctions in the books I read--everything just came under the heading of Mormon.

Again, I apologize.

Oh, believe me, I wasn't upset and you have no need to apologize. Just wanted to correct a misunderstanding. In fact, I was just about to come back here and edit my own comment because I realized I wasn't being very clear about the whole families pre-arranged thing... I really wanted to emphasize the whole 'no one true love' thing because I see that mentioned a lot. Another church leader has stated that "any righteous man and righteous woman" could get married and have a sustainable marriage, which sort of puts an end to the idea of only one possible, predestined spouse.

That being said, once a couple does get married, I don't think it's by accident which children are sent to them. Actually I don't think it's a coincidence where/when anyone is born. /end Rose's theology

The source for your quote (Journal of Discourses (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Journal_of_Discourses)) isn't actually church canon, though it's certainly widely used and referenced.

eta: Regarding that quote you mentioned, I think it's a reasonably common Mormon cultural belief that all our families are pre-arranged, etc. I didn't grow up in a dominant Mormon culture, even though I'm a life-long member. Stephanie Meyers did--or at least something close to it, since Arizona has a lot of Latter-Day Saints. I grew up in Oklahoma and there just weren't enough members there to develop an extensive Mormon culture.

Edited 2008-11-17 01:02 (UTC)

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Clearly I'm losing it.

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