Clearly I'm losing it.

[apocalypsos]

I just watched video of the Obamas making tuna salad from an old 60 Minutes interview. Apparently I'm running out of things to watch. Heh.

Oh, and I finished Breaking Dawn.

--You know, it was fucking annoying as is when Bella was referring to her parents by their first names in the text but I might have let it slide if it were just her, and then it switched to Jacob's POV and he was calling his dad "Billy." No, I'm sorry, fuck THAT.

-- I thought Renesmee looked stupid before and then I read it in context. And the thing is, I started to realize that the extra E at the end was killing it for me (you know, as much as that awful name can be killed). Every time somebody called her Nessie, I called her Smee in my head. It made for a lot of stupid Peter Pan jokes.

-- Boy, I thought I hated Bella when she was human. Oh, it got so much worse after the Goriest Discovery Health Special EVER. Oh, she's good at everything? Oh, lovely. I'm sure that'll fix that problem with her being so fucking boring.

-- Emmett is my favorite. I could read an entire book about him alternately watching football games on cable and punching things, as long as Smeyer didn't write it.

-- No, Smeyer, Jacob imprinting on the infant actually IS creepy. In about a THOUSAND different ways. Sorry!

-- The final "battle" was the least exciting "fight" I've ever seen. I've been involved in more interesting rounds of thumb wrestling. Also, it amused me how when it supposedly looked they were all going to die (did too! Smeyer said so!), it seemed like she named every damn person who showed up with the Cullens and what they did before they thought they were going to die. "Rosalie and Emmett made out. Renesmee snuggled with Jacob, who mostly just sat there being russet-colored. Edward and I hugged in a very chaste way. The Romanian vampires flapped their capes around. Sam, Embry, Quil, Paul, Jared, Leah, Seth, and the forty-seven million wolves we didn't get to meet and were too stupid to know would turn if we held a vamp convention at the house panted heavily. The uncomfortable portrait of Amazonian natives I got from an old issue of National Geographic did something vaguely stereotypical. Crazy adventuresome Garrett went extreme skydiving. Kate guest-starred on Heroes when Kristen Bell had to go in for an appendectomy. AND SO ON."

-- Oh, oh! But the best was the beginning of the very last chapter, which starts out with Edward saying something like, "... so you see, the deciding factor that saved us all was Bella." YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE ROOM WHO WAS ALSO THERE.

-- Exactly how drunk was the editor? Because the only reason I didn't start marking the errors was because it's a library book.

-- The paternity thing bugs me even more now. I know it's not BD that had the whole Embry thing, but seriously, how fucking difficult was that to answer? There were three possibilities! PICK ONE. Oh, my God, even I can give a thoughtful response to that. Watch.

He's Quil's brother. This way, nobody's status as Alpha gets complicated, Embry gets a brother he clearly likes, and Billy doesn't look like a jerk who cheated on his dead wife.

BOY, THAT WAS HARD. *headdesk*

Comments

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

I just downloaded it and WOW, now I am excited to read it... Actually, I'm on the third one now, having finally slogged my way through the end of New Moon (snooozers) and I have to say, I think she lowered my expectations significantly enough with the first two that I can't even be offended by the terrible writing and clumsy structure on this third one.

The fourth one sounds like a clusterfuck, though. Should be fun.

[loony-moony.livejournal.com]

It's the clusterfuck that'll take you a MONTH to read, because it's so damn boring after The Gory Part, you literally will fall asleep reading it.

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

Geez. I seriously didn't think anyone could make vampires more boring than Anne Rice, but apparently SMeyer is trying to take the Boring Prize away.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

The really boring bits in Breaking Dawn come in two parts:

1. Bella is the perfect vampire in every way, shape and form. She's gorgeous, she has almost no problems pulling away from attacking humans, she doesn't go insane for the first year like everybody else, she has like forty bajillion powers, she has a magic baby and a rich husband ... personally, I thought it was hilarious the more obvious Smeyer's self-insertion wish became.

2. Five million vampires show up to "witness" for Renesmee (which, boy, it's a good thing that doesn't have religious connotations or anything!), half of whom we've never met before. And then at the final battle nothing happens. I mean, it's almost all threat and no followthrough, except for one character we don't actually give a damn about. If I'm remembering correctly (although it's possible my brain's just making it up based on how much she seems like a total amateur), Smeyer made some comment along the lines of, "I couldn't kill off my characters, I looooove them!" Which ... oh, princess, NO.

Plus, there's the fact that Smeyer freely admits she didn't really research vampires so she wouldn't cloud her vision or some bullshit, which is great because she completely missed the sexual overtones of pretty much every vampire story known to man. What sex she does try to cram in there seems like it comes less from the vampire angle and more from the teenage one and makes Bella look like a slut who has to be taken into hand by Edward the hundred-year-old prude. It's creepy.

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

The whole thing sounds creepy. I want to know, is Smeyer a virgin? Does she understand the principles behind sex and reproduction? Or is this like a Clan of the Cave Bear thing with vampire spirits impregnating the women folk?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

She's married with three kids. Which just makes it worse, because I really am a virgin and if I'm critiquing your sex scenes that's just sad.

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

...wow. Maybe she has sex in total darkness. She clearly has a severe lack of understanding about exactly how those babies got in her belly.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Well, she is Mormon. Which ... I'm not knocking the religion itself, really, but it explains a lot about the books, doesn't it? (Actually, stoney321 reviewed the books hilariously with some great commentary on the Mormon meta here.)

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

One of my best friends is Mormon... and I am pretty sure she understands human biology better than Smeyer. Well, she also had me to ask all her sex questions, and one of her favorite things about being Mormon is that she gets to have sex in Heaven. And her husband is a doctor, so that probably helps, what with him understanding all the parts involved and how it works.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

I know there was an article or interview or something where Smeyer said her pastor (Priest? Reverend? Crap, giving up on Catholicism broke my religion brain) went over every book before sending it in. NO, SMEYER, A DOCTOR. A SEX ED TEACHER. ANY TEACHER. *headdesk*

I get the impression it's partly the Mormon thing and partly the fact that Smeyer seems like she's totally sheltered. The hilarious thing is that Bella is such a freaking self-insert and yet the character I'd be more likely to compare her to is Renee.

[storm-maven.livejournal.com]

I think Smeyer is Morman or something. Probably of th sect that has to throw a blanket between her and her husband to have sex.

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

That's so confusing, because Mormons aren't really anti-sex. They aren't even anti-birth control. I think it's more to do with her lack of brain than her religion...

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I can't suggest that stoney321 link enough. It really does have a good handle on how the Mormon stuff plays into the books, since Stoney was raised Mormon. I guess it's not so much being anti-sex as it is factoring in Mormon attitudes towards sex and family. Plus, the recaps are funny as hell. :)

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

I think my Mormon is a lot different than normal Mormons. I mean, she met her husband because they were the only two members of the BYU democrats and her father is an Anthropology professor who studies African witchcraft. Her entire family are liberal democrats except her brother, who somehow turned out Republican and they don't get him at ALL.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Heh. She sounds awesome. :)

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

She is awesome! She's getting her master's degree in Human Rights, which I didn't even know was a thing, but apparently it is. And she still goes to church 92362 times a week, and yet remains totally awesome.

[daenarys.livejournal.com]

It's pretty damn boring before the gory part too.