House of Wax -- Part One
May. 12th, 2006 02:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosSeeing as how my recaps always turn out really long, here's part one. And I'd just like to state for the record before I even start the first part of the recap that I have never seen this movie before and have been saving the DVD for a while like some sort of precious treasure. Yeah, I don't get it, either.
House of Wax
Part One
We open on something dripping. There's several dozen slashy jokes I could make about Paddywhack or Mayhem in relation to "something dripping," but I'll let it slide without comment. Along with that crack about letting things slide. This recap brought to you by the company that makes Bounty towels and pervs like me.
Anyway, I know this will come as quite a shock, but we pull back to discover that what's dripping is melted wax bubbling out of a saucepan and rolling off an oven. We're told by a graphic that it's 1974 right before a grizzled hand flicks some ash off a cigarette and goes back to boiling the wax. The lady in question who owns those dishwater hands takes the saucepan full of wax and starts pouring the stuff into a facial mold with a ladle. I'd ask if this means it's time to make Paris Hilton's face for her to wear for the rest of the movie, but alas, that facial mold actually looks human. (Quick question -- does anybody else think she looks exactly like Madame the puppet would have if she'd ever been human and young? 'Cause as a child of the eighties, the thought has occurred to me more than once, with the added realization that Madame may have had more facial expressions.)
In a high chair, a little boy eats Cheerios. Dishwater Hands offers him more cereal for being a good boy, which sounds kind of lame until some guy carts in a kid having a monster hissy fit. Dude, Cheerios aren't that scary. The guy bitches about the little kid really being a monster, to which the brat kicks the table and knocks the facial mold to the floor. Dishwater Hands complains about the kid not being more careful. The parents proceed to belt the brat into a high chair, while the other kid sits quietly and doesn't move. So I guess what I'm supposed to get out of this scene is that before I was born, Cheerios were made of Valium.
Dishwater Hands growls, "Why can't you be more like your brother?" at the kid. Speaking from experience, I can't be more like my brother because of the boobs and the foot less in height, but I don't think this kid has that problem. The parents duct-tape him into the chair. Wait, is that what parents used as a babysitter before television? Because that would make so much sense.
The other kid continues to eat his Cheerios. Okay, was milk made out of Valium, too? Was there, like, Valium trees or something where they juiced the fruit and that's what you put over cereal? God, the seventies were weird.
The brat scratches Dishwater Hands, and she smacks him across the face. You know, like you do.
Aaaaaaand we cut to a modern-day highway as the Rock Music of Mayhem's Not Proposing To Any of His Co-Stars This Time, We Put It In His Contract plays on the soundtrack. The first thing we get to see as we cut to a fast-food place is Paris Hilton eating French fries with ketchup. Isn't this like when boa constrictors swallow a goat and don't have to eat for six months? She points out an ad for an annoyingly expensive apartment, to which Elisha Cuthbert complains she'll have to work all the time just to pay for it. Welcome to adulthood, sweetheart. Paris falls all over herself to congratulate Elisha on her internship with In Style magazine, "Or would you rather stay as a waitress at the waffle house forever?" Wait, those are her options?
All of a sudden, up pops Paddywhack, and just when you thought the Sam haircut was amusing, this one's spectacular. Think the slicked-back "I'm really a priest ... no, really" haircut, if all Sam had had to dampen his hair was motor oil. Paddywhack apologizes to Elisha for being late because there were these two drunk rednecks wrestling or ... whatever. His bangs go down and then sweep to the left like they're doing the Wave. Are we sure it's not still 1974?
Whatever he said must have been some bullshit excuse, because Paris says she's going to go check on "Blake" (whom I'm assuming is Mayhem, in which case ... Blake? HA!). "He seems to like that car more than me these days," Paris says. Oh, don't feel bad, dear. I haven't even seen the car yet, and I already like it better than you. Paris skanks off, leaving Paddywhack to complain about having to bring along Elisha's brother. I'm going to just assume that her brother is Mayhem, too, which ... heh. If he's going to bitch about Mayhem coming with him ... I'm sorry, I started making a joke and then my mind went somewhere else. It's called "the gutter" and all my friends live there.
Anyway, Paddywhack says something about Elisha claiming their parents wouldn't post Mayhem's bail anymore. You'd think at this point, the alimony would be his main monetary concern, but okay, I'll go with it. Elisha says they didn't, "Blake" did, and now I've officially lost track of which of these dingbats Mayhem is going to end up being. Elisha bitches that having her brother around makes "Blake" feel all badass.
Outside in the car, Paris appears to annoy Blake, who it turns out is not Mayhem and is instead a guy insistent on playing with his satellite tracking system and singing along with his rap music over talking to Paris. I like him already. She starts to walk away, but he stops her by saying he found a shortcut so they have more time to spend making out like they start doing right then and there. We get a nice close-up of this so we can get a very good look at the nose that Paris Hilton was totally born with. No, really.
Mayhem walks out of the fast-food joint downing a forty with some be-hatted buffoon with a video camera trailing along behind him. Mayhem kicks the cup out of a homeless guy's hand, now making it impossible to distinguish Mayhem from a homeless man. Well, that's one way to hide from the paparazzi.
Back inside -- or okay, I guess we're outside, and thank you, lighting people, for making THAT obvious -- Paddywhack's still complaining to Elisha when Mayhem and his buffoon join them. Paddywhack says something about it being a "sweet game" tomorrow and Mayhem and his buffoon laugh derisively. Paddywhack's scary hair won't give Mayhem a blowjob at this rate. Mayhem's Buffoon start filming Elisha, but once she whines about it, Mayhem stops him by saying she doesn't like having people up in her face. "She folds under pressure," Mayhem says. My mind's never going to come back from the naughty place if this shit keeps up.
Elisha asks angrily if he's got something to say to her, but he claims she's already spoken enough for the both of them and gives her a look so smarmy I have to wipe the slime off my TV screen with a squeegee. The Buffoon bitches that Paddywhack and Elisha are lame and leaves.
Off at the car, the Buffoon films Paris and Blake making out. Apparently, filming every moment of Paris's sex life is a law or something now.
We cut to everybody driving off on their little road trip, with Paddywhack and Elisha in the front seat of his pretty red muscle car and Mayhem and the Buffoon in the back seat. Paddywhack plays with the radio and says that the game they're going to will be packed, and the Buffoon takes that opportunity to complain about the leg room in the back seat. "It's not [Paddywhack's] fault his little Hot Wheels car only fits two," Mayhem pipes up, although if that were true, Mayhem would be riding on Paddywhack's lap and these jokes would write themselves. No, literally. Instead of just being THAT obvious, the keys would just move for me without me touching the keyboard.
The Buffoon decides that making fun of Paddywhack is just as enjoyable as Mayhem seems to find it and asks Paddywhack if he went to the barbershop and asked for a He-Man haircut. Oh, Buffoon, don't make me love you.
Red construction lights appear on the road, and everybody whines. "So much for his little shortcut," Paddywhack bitches. He pulls up the Hot Wheels car alongside Blake's car in front, and now we're treated to the delightful display of Paris's head bobbing in Blake's lap. Okay, kill me now. No, seriously, I will give you my address and a shovel. A nice blow to the back of my ACK I SAID BLOW WHY DID I DO THAT. *scrubs eyes with bleach, Brillo, and broken glass*
Everybody in the Hot Wheels car promptly flips right the fuck out, which gets Paris and Blake's attention, which ... give me a minute, 'cause I just threw up in my mouth a little. Paris calls Elisha and claims she dropped her lip balm and no one believes her, because you need to have lips to use lip balm.
After a quick discussion, everybody decides that it's getting late and they'll camp out for the night. As they look for a spot, Paddywhack points out a sign for a wax museum, to which Mayhem asks, "You like that kind of stuff, [Paddywhack]?" Paddywhack says sometimes, to which Mayhem says, "I guess if you like things pretending to be other things, which you obviously do ..." Wait, did I cut to the behind-the-scenes clips without knowing it? No ... no, I'm still in the movie. Huh.
Everybody pulls over to camp out, and Elisha pulls Paris to the side and asks her why she hasn't told Blake she might be pregnant yelaksl;ak;ji. I'm sorry, the concept of Paris Hilton passing on her genes made my forehead suddenly slam against the keyboard for some reason. It's like a reflex. There's this whole conversation about what she's going to do and when she's going to tell him and blah blah bye-bye-appetite-cakes.
Mayhem settles into a folding chair with a beer and a cigarette. All he needs is Paddywhack and lube and he never has to leave that chair again, and the lube's negotiable.
Meanwhile, all of the guys who aren't Mayhem start throwing a football. This keeps up and they'll finally have me convinced Elisha's the only one there without testosterone. A throw goes too long and lands at Mayhem's feet, leaving Paddywhack to be all awkward about going to retrieve it. Mayhem gets all pissy about his reaction and throws the ball right at Blake's chest. Reluctantly, Paddywhack compliments Mayhem's arm. "I can see why they gave you a scholarship," he says. Mayhem snarks, "Yeah, it's a real tragedy, isn't it?" Uh, which part? There's so much about Mayhem that's tragic.
Elisha ducks between them before they start fighting or fucking or whatever it is they're not supposed to be doing and shoos Paddywhack away, although not before Paddywhack can call Mayhem an asshole. Heh. Elisha and Mayhem then get into a fight because he stole a car and she didn't cover his ass. She claims he can't take responsiblity for his fuck-ups. He claims she's the good twin and he's the bad one. I claim that he's just generally evil and she stole his boyfriend. Finally, she stalks off and he puts up the hood of his sweatshirt, because nothing says a fight's over like disguising yourself as Eminem.
The wind blows through the trees and everybody complains at a sudden stench. "[Buffoon], did you crap your pants again?" Mayhem calls out. "I don't know, maybe," the Buffoon answers. And the Oscar for best dialogue goes to ...
Paddywhack claims there's something dead in the woods. Blake claims they should just get wasted and thereby follows a stupid handheld camera montage of these dopes hanging out and mugging for the camera. Are we taking requests? Because if we are, I can start a pool if it means we can get Paddywhack to strip. I'm just sayin'.
Blake asks Mayhem if he stole the car to get a rush. "Something like that," Mayhem says. Off at the tent, Elisha and Paris have stolen the camera from the Buffoon and put him in sparkly glasses and an ugly yellow sweater ... thing. Blake claims he looks like Elton John, but more gay. For one pair of sparkly glasses? I don't even want to know what those glasses were doing before this scene, because it had to be something obscene to warrant that comparison. The Buffoon boosts his camera back so he can film Paris making out with Blake and Paddywhack making out with Elisha. I'd complain about Mayhem not getting any action, but Paddywhack making out with anyone is so hot Mayhem can just shut it and jerk off.
The Buffoon moves in on Mayhem, who says, "Don't even think about it. I ain't kissing you, dude." Considering he's speaking into the camera, I'm going to take that as an assurance he'll never put his lips anywhere near me and heave a sigh of relief. After all, I don't have all my shots.
All of a sudden, a truck pulls up and parks with its high beams on. Everybody stops making out to yell out and ask what he wants. Uh, maybe for you to get off his land, since you just kind of set up camp any old place? That's the first thought that struck my mind. Oh, wait, I have a mind. That helps. Paddywhack asks the guy to turn off his lights, but no dice. Paris complains that this is kind of creepy, which is just sort of a, "Hi, kettle, it's pot, you're black" comment, don't you think?
Paddywhack gets up and asks if they can help the guy in the truck, and finally Elisha says, "Maybe we're on his property." To which Paddywhack points out that they didn't pass a gate. Here, let me help you out, gorgeous. Properties in the country don't always have gates around them. Funny, that. Blake gets all uppity and threatens to beat the guy's ass for not turning off his lights, but Paddywhack holds him back.
Finally, Mayhem gets just as frustrated as the rest of us and flings his beer bottle at the guy's headlight, busting it. Ah, Mayhem. You know, you could just legally have your name changed to Chad Michael Mayhem instead of just earning the fucking thng.
Everybody else is properly shocked, of course. Mayhem causing trouble? Who knew that would happen?! Mayhem promptly steps up and gives the truck the Crazy-Eyed Stare of You Wouldn't Happen to Have An Electric Razor I Could Borrow, Would You?, and after a sec, the truck backs up and drives off. Elisha rips Mayhem a new one, but Blake and the Buffoon spazz about how "hardcore" that was. Dude, come on. That's hardcore like a Care Bear in whips and chains is hardcore.
Later that night under the light of the full moon, someone creeps loudly through the campsite and looks into one of the tents at a sleeping Paris. At least, I think she's sleeping. It's either that or a coma, but I'm just not that lucky.
For the record, Paris is a bad actress even in her sleep. Now, that's just talent right there.
And it's off to the other tent, where Sneaky McSneakerson clomps over to peek in on the others, especially Elisha. Let me get this straight -- no one hears this yahoo stomping around in the grass? Jesus, maybe they really are in comas. Like, deep ones. The kind that Jeb Bush is really, really vehement about letting you stay in.
Finally Elisha wakes up to the sound and wakes up Paddywhack to tell him she heard something. "It's probably a serial killer or something," Paddywhack says groggily, rolling over to avoid the anvil that drops from the sky to land where his head would have been. Meanwhile, I add "when he's sleeping, even if he's only faking it" to the list of times I'd fuck Paddywhack with absolutely no responsiblity for my actions. ROWR.
So Elisha decides to go check outside while wearing the tiniest shorts known to man, which is a dumb move because I thought it was common knowledge that blondes that wear hotpants and fuck Paddywhack die horribly. Hell, that's part of the reason I'm still a a redhead. Hey, you never know. Sneaky McSneakerson watches her from behind the Hot Wheels car. Maybe it's just the hot car porn![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
highwaymiles is churning out, but I definitely don't need to know what he's doing back there.
Elisha sneaks around the car and finds ... absolutely nothing. Of course, when she turns around, Paddywhack's standing right there, and honey, you're pretty, but you're also GINORMOUS. Give a tiny blonde thing a little warning, why don't you? That's like Godzilla tapping you on the shoulder. And so he leads her off to their tent for more sleep, because it's not nearly time for any of these people to die and make this movie the least bit interesting.
Next up: Hey, I hear there's hot wax in our future. And that Paddywhack might get some on him. And that somewhere out there, SANDYWHACK will be earning her awesomeness by rolling her eyes and calling him a weenie.
Part One
We open on something dripping. There's several dozen slashy jokes I could make about Paddywhack or Mayhem in relation to "something dripping," but I'll let it slide without comment. Along with that crack about letting things slide. This recap brought to you by the company that makes Bounty towels and pervs like me.
Anyway, I know this will come as quite a shock, but we pull back to discover that what's dripping is melted wax bubbling out of a saucepan and rolling off an oven. We're told by a graphic that it's 1974 right before a grizzled hand flicks some ash off a cigarette and goes back to boiling the wax. The lady in question who owns those dishwater hands takes the saucepan full of wax and starts pouring the stuff into a facial mold with a ladle. I'd ask if this means it's time to make Paris Hilton's face for her to wear for the rest of the movie, but alas, that facial mold actually looks human. (Quick question -- does anybody else think she looks exactly like Madame the puppet would have if she'd ever been human and young? 'Cause as a child of the eighties, the thought has occurred to me more than once, with the added realization that Madame may have had more facial expressions.)
In a high chair, a little boy eats Cheerios. Dishwater Hands offers him more cereal for being a good boy, which sounds kind of lame until some guy carts in a kid having a monster hissy fit. Dude, Cheerios aren't that scary. The guy bitches about the little kid really being a monster, to which the brat kicks the table and knocks the facial mold to the floor. Dishwater Hands complains about the kid not being more careful. The parents proceed to belt the brat into a high chair, while the other kid sits quietly and doesn't move. So I guess what I'm supposed to get out of this scene is that before I was born, Cheerios were made of Valium.
Dishwater Hands growls, "Why can't you be more like your brother?" at the kid. Speaking from experience, I can't be more like my brother because of the boobs and the foot less in height, but I don't think this kid has that problem. The parents duct-tape him into the chair. Wait, is that what parents used as a babysitter before television? Because that would make so much sense.
The other kid continues to eat his Cheerios. Okay, was milk made out of Valium, too? Was there, like, Valium trees or something where they juiced the fruit and that's what you put over cereal? God, the seventies were weird.
The brat scratches Dishwater Hands, and she smacks him across the face. You know, like you do.
Aaaaaaand we cut to a modern-day highway as the Rock Music of Mayhem's Not Proposing To Any of His Co-Stars This Time, We Put It In His Contract plays on the soundtrack. The first thing we get to see as we cut to a fast-food place is Paris Hilton eating French fries with ketchup. Isn't this like when boa constrictors swallow a goat and don't have to eat for six months? She points out an ad for an annoyingly expensive apartment, to which Elisha Cuthbert complains she'll have to work all the time just to pay for it. Welcome to adulthood, sweetheart. Paris falls all over herself to congratulate Elisha on her internship with In Style magazine, "Or would you rather stay as a waitress at the waffle house forever?" Wait, those are her options?
All of a sudden, up pops Paddywhack, and just when you thought the Sam haircut was amusing, this one's spectacular. Think the slicked-back "I'm really a priest ... no, really" haircut, if all Sam had had to dampen his hair was motor oil. Paddywhack apologizes to Elisha for being late because there were these two drunk rednecks wrestling or ... whatever. His bangs go down and then sweep to the left like they're doing the Wave. Are we sure it's not still 1974?
Whatever he said must have been some bullshit excuse, because Paris says she's going to go check on "Blake" (whom I'm assuming is Mayhem, in which case ... Blake? HA!). "He seems to like that car more than me these days," Paris says. Oh, don't feel bad, dear. I haven't even seen the car yet, and I already like it better than you. Paris skanks off, leaving Paddywhack to complain about having to bring along Elisha's brother. I'm going to just assume that her brother is Mayhem, too, which ... heh. If he's going to bitch about Mayhem coming with him ... I'm sorry, I started making a joke and then my mind went somewhere else. It's called "the gutter" and all my friends live there.
Anyway, Paddywhack says something about Elisha claiming their parents wouldn't post Mayhem's bail anymore. You'd think at this point, the alimony would be his main monetary concern, but okay, I'll go with it. Elisha says they didn't, "Blake" did, and now I've officially lost track of which of these dingbats Mayhem is going to end up being. Elisha bitches that having her brother around makes "Blake" feel all badass.
Outside in the car, Paris appears to annoy Blake, who it turns out is not Mayhem and is instead a guy insistent on playing with his satellite tracking system and singing along with his rap music over talking to Paris. I like him already. She starts to walk away, but he stops her by saying he found a shortcut so they have more time to spend making out like they start doing right then and there. We get a nice close-up of this so we can get a very good look at the nose that Paris Hilton was totally born with. No, really.
Mayhem walks out of the fast-food joint downing a forty with some be-hatted buffoon with a video camera trailing along behind him. Mayhem kicks the cup out of a homeless guy's hand, now making it impossible to distinguish Mayhem from a homeless man. Well, that's one way to hide from the paparazzi.
Back inside -- or okay, I guess we're outside, and thank you, lighting people, for making THAT obvious -- Paddywhack's still complaining to Elisha when Mayhem and his buffoon join them. Paddywhack says something about it being a "sweet game" tomorrow and Mayhem and his buffoon laugh derisively. Paddywhack's scary hair won't give Mayhem a blowjob at this rate. Mayhem's Buffoon start filming Elisha, but once she whines about it, Mayhem stops him by saying she doesn't like having people up in her face. "She folds under pressure," Mayhem says. My mind's never going to come back from the naughty place if this shit keeps up.
Elisha asks angrily if he's got something to say to her, but he claims she's already spoken enough for the both of them and gives her a look so smarmy I have to wipe the slime off my TV screen with a squeegee. The Buffoon bitches that Paddywhack and Elisha are lame and leaves.
Off at the car, the Buffoon films Paris and Blake making out. Apparently, filming every moment of Paris's sex life is a law or something now.
We cut to everybody driving off on their little road trip, with Paddywhack and Elisha in the front seat of his pretty red muscle car and Mayhem and the Buffoon in the back seat. Paddywhack plays with the radio and says that the game they're going to will be packed, and the Buffoon takes that opportunity to complain about the leg room in the back seat. "It's not [Paddywhack's] fault his little Hot Wheels car only fits two," Mayhem pipes up, although if that were true, Mayhem would be riding on Paddywhack's lap and these jokes would write themselves. No, literally. Instead of just being THAT obvious, the keys would just move for me without me touching the keyboard.
The Buffoon decides that making fun of Paddywhack is just as enjoyable as Mayhem seems to find it and asks Paddywhack if he went to the barbershop and asked for a He-Man haircut. Oh, Buffoon, don't make me love you.
Red construction lights appear on the road, and everybody whines. "So much for his little shortcut," Paddywhack bitches. He pulls up the Hot Wheels car alongside Blake's car in front, and now we're treated to the delightful display of Paris's head bobbing in Blake's lap. Okay, kill me now. No, seriously, I will give you my address and a shovel. A nice blow to the back of my ACK I SAID BLOW WHY DID I DO THAT. *scrubs eyes with bleach, Brillo, and broken glass*
Everybody in the Hot Wheels car promptly flips right the fuck out, which gets Paris and Blake's attention, which ... give me a minute, 'cause I just threw up in my mouth a little. Paris calls Elisha and claims she dropped her lip balm and no one believes her, because you need to have lips to use lip balm.
After a quick discussion, everybody decides that it's getting late and they'll camp out for the night. As they look for a spot, Paddywhack points out a sign for a wax museum, to which Mayhem asks, "You like that kind of stuff, [Paddywhack]?" Paddywhack says sometimes, to which Mayhem says, "I guess if you like things pretending to be other things, which you obviously do ..." Wait, did I cut to the behind-the-scenes clips without knowing it? No ... no, I'm still in the movie. Huh.
Everybody pulls over to camp out, and Elisha pulls Paris to the side and asks her why she hasn't told Blake she might be pregnant yelaksl;ak;ji. I'm sorry, the concept of Paris Hilton passing on her genes made my forehead suddenly slam against the keyboard for some reason. It's like a reflex. There's this whole conversation about what she's going to do and when she's going to tell him and blah blah bye-bye-appetite-cakes.
Mayhem settles into a folding chair with a beer and a cigarette. All he needs is Paddywhack and lube and he never has to leave that chair again, and the lube's negotiable.
Meanwhile, all of the guys who aren't Mayhem start throwing a football. This keeps up and they'll finally have me convinced Elisha's the only one there without testosterone. A throw goes too long and lands at Mayhem's feet, leaving Paddywhack to be all awkward about going to retrieve it. Mayhem gets all pissy about his reaction and throws the ball right at Blake's chest. Reluctantly, Paddywhack compliments Mayhem's arm. "I can see why they gave you a scholarship," he says. Mayhem snarks, "Yeah, it's a real tragedy, isn't it?" Uh, which part? There's so much about Mayhem that's tragic.
Elisha ducks between them before they start fighting or fucking or whatever it is they're not supposed to be doing and shoos Paddywhack away, although not before Paddywhack can call Mayhem an asshole. Heh. Elisha and Mayhem then get into a fight because he stole a car and she didn't cover his ass. She claims he can't take responsiblity for his fuck-ups. He claims she's the good twin and he's the bad one. I claim that he's just generally evil and she stole his boyfriend. Finally, she stalks off and he puts up the hood of his sweatshirt, because nothing says a fight's over like disguising yourself as Eminem.
The wind blows through the trees and everybody complains at a sudden stench. "[Buffoon], did you crap your pants again?" Mayhem calls out. "I don't know, maybe," the Buffoon answers. And the Oscar for best dialogue goes to ...
Paddywhack claims there's something dead in the woods. Blake claims they should just get wasted and thereby follows a stupid handheld camera montage of these dopes hanging out and mugging for the camera. Are we taking requests? Because if we are, I can start a pool if it means we can get Paddywhack to strip. I'm just sayin'.
Blake asks Mayhem if he stole the car to get a rush. "Something like that," Mayhem says. Off at the tent, Elisha and Paris have stolen the camera from the Buffoon and put him in sparkly glasses and an ugly yellow sweater ... thing. Blake claims he looks like Elton John, but more gay. For one pair of sparkly glasses? I don't even want to know what those glasses were doing before this scene, because it had to be something obscene to warrant that comparison. The Buffoon boosts his camera back so he can film Paris making out with Blake and Paddywhack making out with Elisha. I'd complain about Mayhem not getting any action, but Paddywhack making out with anyone is so hot Mayhem can just shut it and jerk off.
The Buffoon moves in on Mayhem, who says, "Don't even think about it. I ain't kissing you, dude." Considering he's speaking into the camera, I'm going to take that as an assurance he'll never put his lips anywhere near me and heave a sigh of relief. After all, I don't have all my shots.
All of a sudden, a truck pulls up and parks with its high beams on. Everybody stops making out to yell out and ask what he wants. Uh, maybe for you to get off his land, since you just kind of set up camp any old place? That's the first thought that struck my mind. Oh, wait, I have a mind. That helps. Paddywhack asks the guy to turn off his lights, but no dice. Paris complains that this is kind of creepy, which is just sort of a, "Hi, kettle, it's pot, you're black" comment, don't you think?
Paddywhack gets up and asks if they can help the guy in the truck, and finally Elisha says, "Maybe we're on his property." To which Paddywhack points out that they didn't pass a gate. Here, let me help you out, gorgeous. Properties in the country don't always have gates around them. Funny, that. Blake gets all uppity and threatens to beat the guy's ass for not turning off his lights, but Paddywhack holds him back.
Finally, Mayhem gets just as frustrated as the rest of us and flings his beer bottle at the guy's headlight, busting it. Ah, Mayhem. You know, you could just legally have your name changed to Chad Michael Mayhem instead of just earning the fucking thng.
Everybody else is properly shocked, of course. Mayhem causing trouble? Who knew that would happen?! Mayhem promptly steps up and gives the truck the Crazy-Eyed Stare of You Wouldn't Happen to Have An Electric Razor I Could Borrow, Would You?, and after a sec, the truck backs up and drives off. Elisha rips Mayhem a new one, but Blake and the Buffoon spazz about how "hardcore" that was. Dude, come on. That's hardcore like a Care Bear in whips and chains is hardcore.
Later that night under the light of the full moon, someone creeps loudly through the campsite and looks into one of the tents at a sleeping Paris. At least, I think she's sleeping. It's either that or a coma, but I'm just not that lucky.
For the record, Paris is a bad actress even in her sleep. Now, that's just talent right there.
And it's off to the other tent, where Sneaky McSneakerson clomps over to peek in on the others, especially Elisha. Let me get this straight -- no one hears this yahoo stomping around in the grass? Jesus, maybe they really are in comas. Like, deep ones. The kind that Jeb Bush is really, really vehement about letting you stay in.
Finally Elisha wakes up to the sound and wakes up Paddywhack to tell him she heard something. "It's probably a serial killer or something," Paddywhack says groggily, rolling over to avoid the anvil that drops from the sky to land where his head would have been. Meanwhile, I add "when he's sleeping, even if he's only faking it" to the list of times I'd fuck Paddywhack with absolutely no responsiblity for my actions. ROWR.
So Elisha decides to go check outside while wearing the tiniest shorts known to man, which is a dumb move because I thought it was common knowledge that blondes that wear hotpants and fuck Paddywhack die horribly. Hell, that's part of the reason I'm still a a redhead. Hey, you never know. Sneaky McSneakerson watches her from behind the Hot Wheels car. Maybe it's just the hot car porn
highwaymiles is churning out, but I definitely don't need to know what he's doing back there. Elisha sneaks around the car and finds ... absolutely nothing. Of course, when she turns around, Paddywhack's standing right there, and honey, you're pretty, but you're also GINORMOUS. Give a tiny blonde thing a little warning, why don't you? That's like Godzilla tapping you on the shoulder. And so he leads her off to their tent for more sleep, because it's not nearly time for any of these people to die and make this movie the least bit interesting.
Next up: Hey, I hear there's hot wax in our future. And that Paddywhack might get some on him. And that somewhere out there, SANDYWHACK will be earning her awesomeness by rolling her eyes and calling him a weenie.
