20 Ways to Monkey With Telemarketers
Nov. 18th, 2003 07:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsos... which is the name of the article that popped up when my AOL Instant Messenger came up this morning.
Okay, look. I was a telemarketer for seven months. We weren't supposed to, but we worked for a company so inept in regards to keeping tabs on their employees that anybody who fucked with us over the phone just got fucked with right back. Yeah, it's evil, but telemarketing already gets you a guaranteed seat in Hell, so we figured that at the very least, we should all be evil enough not to warrant the seat on Satan's barbeque grill.
Case in point: There were six of us calling on the same project, all women, all in the same row. The woman in the first seat got a guy who asked her what color her underwear were. Not able to resist, she told him she wasn't able to tell customers anymore because of the restraining order, then hung up and set him for a callback for a minute later, which passed him around to the next person in the row.
We proceeded to pass him along, giving him different answers every bloody time. (He caught on really fast and by the time he got to the last person in the row, he answered the phone already laughing.) My contribution -- and remember how I said I can totally do a sexy phone voice? -- was:
Him: So, what color are you wearing?
Me: Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I forgot to put on underwear today. Now, this credit card ...
The best part was he kept trying to get me to elaborate and I kept pretending I'd never said a damn thing.
In any event, here's what I would have said to each and every one of this article's tricks. Telemarketers are the ones we love to hate. Not only are their calls unsolicited and annoying, but they seem to come just as you are sitting down to eat or hopping into the shower.
What do you do? Hang up on the caller or politely decline to listen? Get mad?
Some people have made an art of playing with the telemarketers and getting a few chuckles along the way. We asked you to send in your clever responses to telemarketers' calls. Here are the best of the pranks.
Speak to the little lady of the house
We have a 5-year-old daughter who loves to talk. If I answer the phone and discover a telemarketer on the other end, I just quietly hand the phone to our daughter ... and let the fun begin!
ME: "Hi, there, sweetheart! Say, did your mommy ever tell you the story about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and a priest standing at an intersection with a fifty-dollar bill in the middle? Well ..."
Give them the man of the house
When they ask for the man of the house, I ask them to hold; then I put my 2-year-old son on the phone.
ME: "Hey, kiddo, want to learn a new word? Say it after me ... FUCK."
Have I got a deal for you
Interrupt the telemarketer's sales pitch and ask them if they would like to buy something from you (could be anything that you're selling). That will usually get them to end the call.
ME: "Ooo, what have you got? I am so bored, I would love to buy something from you! Is it for a good cause? Because I have your phone number right here and there are a hundred and fifty people in this call center who'd simply love to help a good cause."
I do
Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won't know what to say.
ME: (bursting into tears) "I thought you'd never ask! Oh, you'll have to meet my parents, of course, and then there's the invitations, and I should probably bill everything to you, right? Then it's a good thing I have your credit report right here in my trusty computer, huh?"
You have reached my voicemail
Say: "Hello." (Wait on them to start talking.) "I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep."
ME: "Hello, I'm calling from *beep* Bank. Sorry we couldn't reach you at this time, but due to our calling system, we'll be sure to schedule you for callbacks every five minutes until we get an answer. Thank you!" *click*
Funny you called
"You know, I was just thinking about (doing, buying) just that very same thing. So, I said to myself, 'Self, why don't you just (do, buy) it and get over it.' To my amazement, self replied with a loud, 'GO FOR IT!'" (Keep talking to take control of the conversation, never letting the telemarketer speak so he or she can't actually try to sell you anything.) "Well, me and myself will discuss it more and we'll get back to you."
ME: "Oh, that's okay. The voices in my head argue all the time -- NEVER EAT THE HAMSTER! -- but we have your phone number, so we'll just keep calling back -- WE'RE NOT SACRIFICING ANOTHER KITTEN TO SATAN! -- until you know what you want."
From a country song
"I'd love to, but my wife just left me, she cut the tires on my truck, I had to bury my dog, and I only have half a Bud Light bottle left. I'm not worried about the rest, but if you start selling beer, give me a call."
ME: "Well, I do have your address right here. I'll just come over and bring a six-pack."
Have you planned for the future?
When I see "out of area" on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I'll ask questions like, "What if something happened to you?" or "Are you sure your final needs can be met?" Usually, they end up hanging up on me.
THEM: "What if something happened to you?"
ME: "What makes you think something already hasn't?"
THEM: "Are you sure your final needs can be met?"
ME: "No, but I'm pretty sure you've got a nine o'clock wake-up call on Saturday now." *schedules callback*
Reply in gibberish
Answer the phone in a pretend foreign language.
ME: "Oh, I'm sorry! I'll just try back until I get someone who can speak English. Thank you!"
She's not … here
I have told people that the person they were asking for was hideously mangled in a train wreck. If they ask for my wife, I sometimes say that she recently left me, then tell the caller she sounds cute and ask her out.
Answer One:
ME: "Oh, I'm sure you'll need a credit card to pay for that funeral, then. Do you have any idea how much Super Glue and spackle you're going to need for an open casket? I mean, I saw the grossest photo on the Internet the other day ..."
Answer Two:
ME: "I am cute. In fact, according to my computer, I work right down the street from your place. Give me ten minutes to jimmy this electronic bracelet off my ankle, and I'll be right over."
And you are?
I'd love to hear more about why you are calling me, but I'm in the middle of dinner right now. Why don't you give me your home number so I can call and irritate you in the middle of your meal?
ME: "I'm sorry, I was born with the gene that keeps me from answering the phone at dinner time. And also, I wasn't too cheap to buy caller ID. But that's okay, I can keep calling you back. Thanks!"
Keep talking
Rather than find creative ways in which to hang up on telemarketers, I decided many years ago that I could provide a public service by keeping them on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they spend with me, the less time they have to call other people. Often, they'll hang up on me before I can hang up on them!
ME: *happily files my nails as this yahoo yammers on and keeps me from dealing with other annoying people too stupid to understand the concept of hanging up*
What did I win?
Sometimes I'll act as if the sales call is one to inform me that I've won a prize. I'll exclaim, "I've never won anything in my life!" Then I'll ask for details on when and how my prize will be sent to me. And no matter how many times it's explained to me, I will never quite understand that I've won nothing and instead am being asked to buy something.
ME: "You won the opportunity for a five-hundred cash prize!" Which, incidentally, is the exact amount of the credit card's limit. "I just need to verify a few things first ..." Hell, if they can pretend, so can I.
I'm already connected
If I'm being offered a loan or mortgage refinance, I'll ask if it can "fly under the radar," because I have a large loan at a very high interest rate from "family" who would become very upset if I obtained loans elsewhere. I'll suggest that we meet somewhere discreet to discuss details.
ME: "You borrowed from Uncle Bruno, didn't you? That's okay, I'll pull some strings with him when I get home. I'm his favorite niece, after all."
Ever hear of women's lib?
My wife is especially perturbed when they ask for the "Man of the House." So she then starts talking in hushed tones and saying, "Oh, no sir. The Master isn't here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can't check for him now."
ME: "Oh, that's okay, serving wench. I know exactly how you feel. Why do you think I'm calling you? Um, say, does your master give you a bucket? 'Cause mine took my bucket away after I tried to escape and now he's off pulling some dead guy out of the marina ..."
Phone flirting
I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from "Friends": "How you doin?" or, "You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?"
ME: "Now, but I will now."
How long do you have?
Say: "Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago."
ME: "Not a problem. Take all the time you need." *again with the happy nail filing*
What's it worth?
"Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"
ME: "Sure! That sounds like a great plan. So great, in fact, that I simply must let the rest of the call center call to hear about it. Good luck!" *schedules him for callbacks until his brain explodes*
Call the cult
"Sorry I can't talk, I am about to cut off my tongue to achieve ultimate power."
ME: "Ooo, I did that last week. Isn't it great how the Grand Poobah makes it grow back?"
It's good enough for Cuba
I always get them to scream, "Show me the money!" like in "Jerry Maguire."
THEM: "Say, 'Show me the money!'"
ME: "Ooo-kay, if that's what you want to wake up to Saturday, I'm game if you are ..." *schedules callback*
Why do you people always post these lists like they're a.) clever, b.) anything we've never heard before, or c.) going to stun any telemarketer into silence? 'Cause trust me, any telemarketed working more than five minutes has the practice to slip right back into the pitch.
Notice how "Hang the fuck up" is never on any of these lists. Cripes.
Okay, look. I was a telemarketer for seven months. We weren't supposed to, but we worked for a company so inept in regards to keeping tabs on their employees that anybody who fucked with us over the phone just got fucked with right back. Yeah, it's evil, but telemarketing already gets you a guaranteed seat in Hell, so we figured that at the very least, we should all be evil enough not to warrant the seat on Satan's barbeque grill.
Case in point: There were six of us calling on the same project, all women, all in the same row. The woman in the first seat got a guy who asked her what color her underwear were. Not able to resist, she told him she wasn't able to tell customers anymore because of the restraining order, then hung up and set him for a callback for a minute later, which passed him around to the next person in the row.
We proceeded to pass him along, giving him different answers every bloody time. (He caught on really fast and by the time he got to the last person in the row, he answered the phone already laughing.) My contribution -- and remember how I said I can totally do a sexy phone voice? -- was:
Him: So, what color are you wearing?
Me: Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I forgot to put on underwear today. Now, this credit card ...
The best part was he kept trying to get me to elaborate and I kept pretending I'd never said a damn thing.
In any event, here's what I would have said to each and every one of this article's tricks. Telemarketers are the ones we love to hate. Not only are their calls unsolicited and annoying, but they seem to come just as you are sitting down to eat or hopping into the shower.
What do you do? Hang up on the caller or politely decline to listen? Get mad?
Some people have made an art of playing with the telemarketers and getting a few chuckles along the way. We asked you to send in your clever responses to telemarketers' calls. Here are the best of the pranks.
Speak to the little lady of the house
We have a 5-year-old daughter who loves to talk. If I answer the phone and discover a telemarketer on the other end, I just quietly hand the phone to our daughter ... and let the fun begin!
ME: "Hi, there, sweetheart! Say, did your mommy ever tell you the story about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and a priest standing at an intersection with a fifty-dollar bill in the middle? Well ..."
Give them the man of the house
When they ask for the man of the house, I ask them to hold; then I put my 2-year-old son on the phone.
ME: "Hey, kiddo, want to learn a new word? Say it after me ... FUCK."
Have I got a deal for you
Interrupt the telemarketer's sales pitch and ask them if they would like to buy something from you (could be anything that you're selling). That will usually get them to end the call.
ME: "Ooo, what have you got? I am so bored, I would love to buy something from you! Is it for a good cause? Because I have your phone number right here and there are a hundred and fifty people in this call center who'd simply love to help a good cause."
I do
Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won't know what to say.
ME: (bursting into tears) "I thought you'd never ask! Oh, you'll have to meet my parents, of course, and then there's the invitations, and I should probably bill everything to you, right? Then it's a good thing I have your credit report right here in my trusty computer, huh?"
You have reached my voicemail
Say: "Hello." (Wait on them to start talking.) "I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep."
ME: "Hello, I'm calling from *beep* Bank. Sorry we couldn't reach you at this time, but due to our calling system, we'll be sure to schedule you for callbacks every five minutes until we get an answer. Thank you!" *click*
Funny you called
"You know, I was just thinking about (doing, buying) just that very same thing. So, I said to myself, 'Self, why don't you just (do, buy) it and get over it.' To my amazement, self replied with a loud, 'GO FOR IT!'" (Keep talking to take control of the conversation, never letting the telemarketer speak so he or she can't actually try to sell you anything.) "Well, me and myself will discuss it more and we'll get back to you."
ME: "Oh, that's okay. The voices in my head argue all the time -- NEVER EAT THE HAMSTER! -- but we have your phone number, so we'll just keep calling back -- WE'RE NOT SACRIFICING ANOTHER KITTEN TO SATAN! -- until you know what you want."
From a country song
"I'd love to, but my wife just left me, she cut the tires on my truck, I had to bury my dog, and I only have half a Bud Light bottle left. I'm not worried about the rest, but if you start selling beer, give me a call."
ME: "Well, I do have your address right here. I'll just come over and bring a six-pack."
Have you planned for the future?
When I see "out of area" on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I'll ask questions like, "What if something happened to you?" or "Are you sure your final needs can be met?" Usually, they end up hanging up on me.
THEM: "What if something happened to you?"
ME: "What makes you think something already hasn't?"
THEM: "Are you sure your final needs can be met?"
ME: "No, but I'm pretty sure you've got a nine o'clock wake-up call on Saturday now." *schedules callback*
Reply in gibberish
Answer the phone in a pretend foreign language.
ME: "Oh, I'm sorry! I'll just try back until I get someone who can speak English. Thank you!"
She's not … here
I have told people that the person they were asking for was hideously mangled in a train wreck. If they ask for my wife, I sometimes say that she recently left me, then tell the caller she sounds cute and ask her out.
Answer One:
ME: "Oh, I'm sure you'll need a credit card to pay for that funeral, then. Do you have any idea how much Super Glue and spackle you're going to need for an open casket? I mean, I saw the grossest photo on the Internet the other day ..."
Answer Two:
ME: "I am cute. In fact, according to my computer, I work right down the street from your place. Give me ten minutes to jimmy this electronic bracelet off my ankle, and I'll be right over."
And you are?
I'd love to hear more about why you are calling me, but I'm in the middle of dinner right now. Why don't you give me your home number so I can call and irritate you in the middle of your meal?
ME: "I'm sorry, I was born with the gene that keeps me from answering the phone at dinner time. And also, I wasn't too cheap to buy caller ID. But that's okay, I can keep calling you back. Thanks!"
Keep talking
Rather than find creative ways in which to hang up on telemarketers, I decided many years ago that I could provide a public service by keeping them on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they spend with me, the less time they have to call other people. Often, they'll hang up on me before I can hang up on them!
ME: *happily files my nails as this yahoo yammers on and keeps me from dealing with other annoying people too stupid to understand the concept of hanging up*
What did I win?
Sometimes I'll act as if the sales call is one to inform me that I've won a prize. I'll exclaim, "I've never won anything in my life!" Then I'll ask for details on when and how my prize will be sent to me. And no matter how many times it's explained to me, I will never quite understand that I've won nothing and instead am being asked to buy something.
ME: "You won the opportunity for a five-hundred cash prize!" Which, incidentally, is the exact amount of the credit card's limit. "I just need to verify a few things first ..." Hell, if they can pretend, so can I.
I'm already connected
If I'm being offered a loan or mortgage refinance, I'll ask if it can "fly under the radar," because I have a large loan at a very high interest rate from "family" who would become very upset if I obtained loans elsewhere. I'll suggest that we meet somewhere discreet to discuss details.
ME: "You borrowed from Uncle Bruno, didn't you? That's okay, I'll pull some strings with him when I get home. I'm his favorite niece, after all."
Ever hear of women's lib?
My wife is especially perturbed when they ask for the "Man of the House." So she then starts talking in hushed tones and saying, "Oh, no sir. The Master isn't here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can't check for him now."
ME: "Oh, that's okay, serving wench. I know exactly how you feel. Why do you think I'm calling you? Um, say, does your master give you a bucket? 'Cause mine took my bucket away after I tried to escape and now he's off pulling some dead guy out of the marina ..."
Phone flirting
I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from "Friends": "How you doin?" or, "You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?"
ME: "Now, but I will now."
How long do you have?
Say: "Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago."
ME: "Not a problem. Take all the time you need." *again with the happy nail filing*
What's it worth?
"Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"
ME: "Sure! That sounds like a great plan. So great, in fact, that I simply must let the rest of the call center call to hear about it. Good luck!" *schedules him for callbacks until his brain explodes*
Call the cult
"Sorry I can't talk, I am about to cut off my tongue to achieve ultimate power."
ME: "Ooo, I did that last week. Isn't it great how the Grand Poobah makes it grow back?"
It's good enough for Cuba
I always get them to scream, "Show me the money!" like in "Jerry Maguire."
THEM: "Say, 'Show me the money!'"
ME: "Ooo-kay, if that's what you want to wake up to Saturday, I'm game if you are ..." *schedules callback*
Why do you people always post these lists like they're a.) clever, b.) anything we've never heard before, or c.) going to stun any telemarketer into silence? 'Cause trust me, any telemarketed working more than five minutes has the practice to slip right back into the pitch.
Notice how "Hang the fuck up" is never on any of these lists. Cripes.
