Spoilers ahoy, as per usual ...
May. 15th, 2004 11:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosAnd no, I didn't read the book. I think that just made the movie more entertaining, actually. :)
Troy: A Review in Q&A Form
So, you went to see Troy today, huh?
Sure did. And I saw something that made me happy beyond my wildest dreams. It was so much more entertaining than I'm used to, and --
You liked the movie?
The movie? No, dude, they're showing an entirely different MovieTickets.com commercial before the movies now. Those three morons from the last one? Gone!
Hey, where'd they go?
I imagine someone took them out back and shot them.
Oh, they did not.
I didn't say they did, I said I imagine they did. That mental image gives me a happy.
Aw, screw the commercials. What's the movie about?
You mean you didn't read the book?
What book?! They wrote a book about this? When?
... you know, I'm starting to think the times I've hit you during my other reviews has broken your brain. I'm just saying.
Oh, come on. Cough off the plot, monkey girl.
All right, all right. See, there are these two exceedingly pretty tramps who hook up, and everybody uses it as an excuse to go to war, because back then they didn't have cable or the Internet or porn, so they had to make their own fun. Also, they wanted to be remembered forever, and apparently, the concept of starting a religion that promotes peace and love and swallows the planet whole didn't occur to anyone for another 1200 years.
Wait a second. Who are the characters in this wonderfully amazing film?
You need to work on that delusional optimism, you know that?
Achilles ... Can kick your ass three ways from Sunday and still be pretty at the end of it. Goes to war so that people will remember him centuries later. Would probably be really depressed to know that most people these days only know his name because of a foot injury.
Paris ... Very pretty. So pretty, in fact, that regardless of what you hear about some Helen chick, caused a great big war just from being pretty. Strategically trims his facial hair to make himself look about twelve. Strangely sparse facial hair not helping with that "pretty" thing.
Helen ... Is supposedly very pretty. Was married to Menelaus, but decided to run off with Paris because I'm guessing she wanted to be with someone she could probably take down in a spontaneous pillow fight if need be. Feels really, really guilty about this whole war thing, which you can tell because she likes to stand in flattering natural lights and express slightly less of a facial expression than Orlando Bloom.
Priam ... King of Troy. Is prettier than Helen, but it's entirely possible the Trojan Horse is prettier than Helen. Portrayed by Peter O'Toole, which means he delightfully alternates between lecherous, loopy, and wise.
Hector ... Paris' elder brother. He's prettier than Helen, too, and that's even after the death scene. Is sweet and wonderful and the best character in the whole movie, which means they had to go and kill him. Is urged on by his younger brother to fight a war.
Agamemnon ... Is urged on by his younger brother to fight a war. However, unlike Hector, does not have being an adorable woobie to fall back on.
Hector's pectoral muscles ... Only featured in a few scenes, but meant a lot to me.
Brad Pitt's ass ... Only featured in a few scenes, but ... well, didn't.
Odysseus ... Achilles' snarky sidekick. Everyone should have a Odysseus of their very own to love and cuddle and squeeze and whatnot.
Patrocles ... Achilles' non-snarky sidekick. The main reason we should all invest in self-tanning, as to do so would make us all millionaires. Is a puppy ... a great, big golden retriever puppy.
Menelaus ... Used to be married to Helen, but I guess there are floating rafts with divorce attorneys in the middle of the Mediterranean who can null and void stuff like that, so whatever.
Ajax ... Played by the same guy who played Sabretooth in the first X-Men movie, and serves under the same guy who played Stryker in the second X-Men movie. Between this, Bruce Banner, and Boromir and Legolas fighting on opposite sides, might possibly be referred to as the Ancient Greek Movie That Ate Fandom.
So what happens during the war?
Oh, you know, the usual. People get killed, guys get spears through their heads, leaders make exceedingly obnoxious pre-battle speeches. The good news is that it only takes about two weeks in movie time. The bad news is that it takes about that long in real time, too.
They finish their war in two weeks?!
I know! Weird concept, huh?
But ... but ... I had a friend, and she told me they fought for ten years!
Well ... uh, maybe the movie took place in an alternate dimension where two weeks there equals ten years here. Or something.
That's stupid.
You think that's stupid? Did you hear about Orlando Bloom's three facial expressions?
Wait, he got another one? Where the hell was I?
Probably ogling everybody's bared chest, like I was. I think I hold a special respect for this movie if only for keeping the female nudity pretty chaste while getting everybody and their brother -- literally -- bare-ass nekkid.
They did not.
Well, yeah, they kind of did.
Did you ... um ... did you see Mini-Orlando? And Little Brad? And maybe Sean Bean's ... er, beans?
First off, lay off the crappy euphemisms. And secondly, no.
Why not?
Because having an actress appear on screen so very, very naked that you can see what she ate for breakfast two days earlier by checking out her business end is perfectly acceptable, but if normal guys strip down and wave it 'round on film, the apocalypse will finally be upon us, with the locusts and rivers of blood and dogs and cats living together and whatnot.
Well, that's stupid.
I know. Boys are weenies.
Don't you mean boys have weenies?
I'm sorry, let me rephrase. Boys are pussies.
Better. I think.
So, fill me in. Who dies?
Everybody dies.
What?! How is that possible?
Dude, the movie's set 3200 years ago. I can safely assure you that unless I missed an integral episode of 'Highlander' somewhere, everybody in the movie is dead now.
No, seriously.
Well, let's see. Paris and Helen live to be pretty another day, and ... um, Odysseus. That's about it.
It turned out that with the exception of Odysseus, every time I developed the least bit of affection for someone, they killed him off. It was horribly disconcerting. I kept trying to see Paris as anything other than a spoiled airhead in the hopes that someone would shoot him or set him on fire or feed him to chipmunks or something, but obviously, Orlando Bloom is too pretty to die.
So what you're saying is that if you want to survive the siege at Troy, it's probably helpful to ensure that three thousand years later, you must be portrayed by a former cast member of the Lord of the Rings trilogy?
Exactly. You catch on quickly.
So how did the battles look?
All I have to say is, methinks Wolfgang Peterson is overcompensating for something.
Huh. You think maybe he went a little overboard after filming Brad Pitt's nude scene?
Nah. Trust me, I've seen the naked tabloid photos of Brad, and he couldn't have been that embarrassed.
This whole thing is just one big phallic symbol for you, isn't it?
Oh, come on! Can you blame me? Every time they mentioned Trojans, I thought of condoms. There's a great commercial for them: "Trojan condoms: Nothing gets past us ... unless it's hung like a horse and intent on fucking up your entire life!" I suppose with that tagline, it'd be a good thing they don't make diaphragms. (As far as I know, anyway. Like I'd know from birth control.)
Okay, did the movie entertain you or what?
Well, sure, it did, but I'm easily amused. Take the moment when Priam parts the strips of leather hanging in the doorway of Achilles' tent and comes in, and Achilles says, "How did you get in here?"
Dude, you don't have a door. That helps.
Hey, are you making fun of the movie?
Actually, no. 'Cause yeah, it was brainless, bu it sure was pretty. Mostly my hormones were yelping, "Hey, look who's half-nekkid now!"
Can't you chicks watch a movie like this and appreciate it without salivating over half-nekkid actors?
Get through an Angelina Jolie movie without staring at her tits and we'll talk.
So, you went to see Troy today, huh?
Sure did. And I saw something that made me happy beyond my wildest dreams. It was so much more entertaining than I'm used to, and --
You liked the movie?
The movie? No, dude, they're showing an entirely different MovieTickets.com commercial before the movies now. Those three morons from the last one? Gone!
Hey, where'd they go?
I imagine someone took them out back and shot them.
Oh, they did not.
I didn't say they did, I said I imagine they did. That mental image gives me a happy.
Aw, screw the commercials. What's the movie about?
You mean you didn't read the book?
What book?! They wrote a book about this? When?
... you know, I'm starting to think the times I've hit you during my other reviews has broken your brain. I'm just saying.
Oh, come on. Cough off the plot, monkey girl.
All right, all right. See, there are these two exceedingly pretty tramps who hook up, and everybody uses it as an excuse to go to war, because back then they didn't have cable or the Internet or porn, so they had to make their own fun. Also, they wanted to be remembered forever, and apparently, the concept of starting a religion that promotes peace and love and swallows the planet whole didn't occur to anyone for another 1200 years.
Wait a second. Who are the characters in this wonderfully amazing film?
You need to work on that delusional optimism, you know that?
Achilles ... Can kick your ass three ways from Sunday and still be pretty at the end of it. Goes to war so that people will remember him centuries later. Would probably be really depressed to know that most people these days only know his name because of a foot injury.
Paris ... Very pretty. So pretty, in fact, that regardless of what you hear about some Helen chick, caused a great big war just from being pretty. Strategically trims his facial hair to make himself look about twelve. Strangely sparse facial hair not helping with that "pretty" thing.
Helen ... Is supposedly very pretty. Was married to Menelaus, but decided to run off with Paris because I'm guessing she wanted to be with someone she could probably take down in a spontaneous pillow fight if need be. Feels really, really guilty about this whole war thing, which you can tell because she likes to stand in flattering natural lights and express slightly less of a facial expression than Orlando Bloom.
Priam ... King of Troy. Is prettier than Helen, but it's entirely possible the Trojan Horse is prettier than Helen. Portrayed by Peter O'Toole, which means he delightfully alternates between lecherous, loopy, and wise.
Hector ... Paris' elder brother. He's prettier than Helen, too, and that's even after the death scene. Is sweet and wonderful and the best character in the whole movie, which means they had to go and kill him. Is urged on by his younger brother to fight a war.
Agamemnon ... Is urged on by his younger brother to fight a war. However, unlike Hector, does not have being an adorable woobie to fall back on.
Hector's pectoral muscles ... Only featured in a few scenes, but meant a lot to me.
Brad Pitt's ass ... Only featured in a few scenes, but ... well, didn't.
Odysseus ... Achilles' snarky sidekick. Everyone should have a Odysseus of their very own to love and cuddle and squeeze and whatnot.
Patrocles ... Achilles' non-snarky sidekick. The main reason we should all invest in self-tanning, as to do so would make us all millionaires. Is a puppy ... a great, big golden retriever puppy.
Menelaus ... Used to be married to Helen, but I guess there are floating rafts with divorce attorneys in the middle of the Mediterranean who can null and void stuff like that, so whatever.
Ajax ... Played by the same guy who played Sabretooth in the first X-Men movie, and serves under the same guy who played Stryker in the second X-Men movie. Between this, Bruce Banner, and Boromir and Legolas fighting on opposite sides, might possibly be referred to as the Ancient Greek Movie That Ate Fandom.
So what happens during the war?
Oh, you know, the usual. People get killed, guys get spears through their heads, leaders make exceedingly obnoxious pre-battle speeches. The good news is that it only takes about two weeks in movie time. The bad news is that it takes about that long in real time, too.
They finish their war in two weeks?!
I know! Weird concept, huh?
But ... but ... I had a friend, and she told me they fought for ten years!
Well ... uh, maybe the movie took place in an alternate dimension where two weeks there equals ten years here. Or something.
That's stupid.
You think that's stupid? Did you hear about Orlando Bloom's three facial expressions?
Wait, he got another one? Where the hell was I?
Probably ogling everybody's bared chest, like I was. I think I hold a special respect for this movie if only for keeping the female nudity pretty chaste while getting everybody and their brother -- literally -- bare-ass nekkid.
They did not.
Well, yeah, they kind of did.
Did you ... um ... did you see Mini-Orlando? And Little Brad? And maybe Sean Bean's ... er, beans?
First off, lay off the crappy euphemisms. And secondly, no.
Why not?
Because having an actress appear on screen so very, very naked that you can see what she ate for breakfast two days earlier by checking out her business end is perfectly acceptable, but if normal guys strip down and wave it 'round on film, the apocalypse will finally be upon us, with the locusts and rivers of blood and dogs and cats living together and whatnot.
Well, that's stupid.
I know. Boys are weenies.
Don't you mean boys have weenies?
I'm sorry, let me rephrase. Boys are pussies.
Better. I think.
So, fill me in. Who dies?
Everybody dies.
What?! How is that possible?
Dude, the movie's set 3200 years ago. I can safely assure you that unless I missed an integral episode of 'Highlander' somewhere, everybody in the movie is dead now.
No, seriously.
Well, let's see. Paris and Helen live to be pretty another day, and ... um, Odysseus. That's about it.
It turned out that with the exception of Odysseus, every time I developed the least bit of affection for someone, they killed him off. It was horribly disconcerting. I kept trying to see Paris as anything other than a spoiled airhead in the hopes that someone would shoot him or set him on fire or feed him to chipmunks or something, but obviously, Orlando Bloom is too pretty to die.
So what you're saying is that if you want to survive the siege at Troy, it's probably helpful to ensure that three thousand years later, you must be portrayed by a former cast member of the Lord of the Rings trilogy?
Exactly. You catch on quickly.
So how did the battles look?
All I have to say is, methinks Wolfgang Peterson is overcompensating for something.
Huh. You think maybe he went a little overboard after filming Brad Pitt's nude scene?
Nah. Trust me, I've seen the naked tabloid photos of Brad, and he couldn't have been that embarrassed.
This whole thing is just one big phallic symbol for you, isn't it?
Oh, come on! Can you blame me? Every time they mentioned Trojans, I thought of condoms. There's a great commercial for them: "Trojan condoms: Nothing gets past us ... unless it's hung like a horse and intent on fucking up your entire life!" I suppose with that tagline, it'd be a good thing they don't make diaphragms. (As far as I know, anyway. Like I'd know from birth control.)
Okay, did the movie entertain you or what?
Well, sure, it did, but I'm easily amused. Take the moment when Priam parts the strips of leather hanging in the doorway of Achilles' tent and comes in, and Achilles says, "How did you get in here?"
Dude, you don't have a door. That helps.
Hey, are you making fun of the movie?
Actually, no. 'Cause yeah, it was brainless, bu it sure was pretty. Mostly my hormones were yelping, "Hey, look who's half-nekkid now!"
Can't you chicks watch a movie like this and appreciate it without salivating over half-nekkid actors?
Get through an Angelina Jolie movie without staring at her tits and we'll talk.
