Deadly Harvest: Part Six
Mar. 17th, 2005 01:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosAnd now, for our sixth and final installment in Deadly Harvest, which I nearly had to say was the last movie I'd seen when asked that question before. God, I'd better not be hit by a bus tomorrow morning because if this is the last thing I see before I die, I demand a recount. (And for those who need to catch up, parts one, two, three, four, and five.
We open on trucks driving down a dirt road in the dark towards what I assume is where the farmers live, and seriously, I feel the need to argue that there really aren't this many dirt roads in the country even though the filmmakers are maybe only exaggerating it a tad. On the soundtrack, the Throbbing Beat of the Synthesizer Guy Having a Heart Attack plays as the trucks drive off into the country.
Meanwhile, back at the fully-equipped roadblock run by imbeciles, Dad races down the street and is spotted by twoguys who raided the Army-Navy store soldiers, who casually shoot after him once or twice. Oh, no! Dad drove right through their precious raised bar! Oh, now you put it down. See, this is what happens when starving people get secret instructions from their facial adornments.
Back at Charles's house, Charles lugs Sick Child down the stairs for dinner. No, not to be fed to the others, you dingbats. Although, I think some quality cannibalism could only improve this movie. Charles makes some crack about how it's a special occasion, so they should all be eating at the table. What is this special occasion, that they actually have food? What do they do during their regular dinnertimes, sit in different parts of the house and stare at empty plates? Sick Child begs for food, and Charles tells everyone, "Now you'll see why I have the reputation as the greatest cook in the country." Now they'll see? Did he just find this family two weeks ago or something? Just lying in a gutter, looking for a home with a man who wears a it's-not-a-toupee haircut and a Mr. Rogers sweater.
Prissy Mom says she'll help, but Charles insists she sit at the table while he serves. Charles walks into the kitchen, which has the uncanny ability to turn anything that walks into bright yellow-orange. Charles removes a roast from the oven, then reaches into his pocket and takes out PILLSPILLSHE'SGOINGTOPOISONTHEMALLPILLSPILLS. Ahem. While Charles prepares to off his whole family with horse sedatives or whatever the hell he managed to scrounge up, Prissy Mom's in the dining room talking to Sick Kid as if they've never met before and she just showed up for tea. Heeeeey, that kid's wearing the same sweater she was wearing in her other scene. No wonder she's sick! The little bastard's probably never been bathed.
Prissy Mom tells Sick Kid that Charles brought home her favorite vegetable, to which Sick Kid exclaims, "Brussels sprouts!" And I'm sorry, but Brussels sprouts? First off, what small, sickly child likes Brussels sprouts? And secondly, who's the asstard who brought Kim Cattrall Brussels sprouts as a wedding present? That's like the culinary equivalent of giving her a Chia Pet. They probably taste the same, too.
So Prissy Mom decides to ramble on about Brussels sprouts, and it's now official. No conversation prominently featuring Brussels sprouts should go on for more than three seconds. She keeps yammering about what they'll grow in the garden when it gets warm again -- good luck with that by the way -- while in the kitchen, Charles pours his special homemade gravy of death and suffering over the dinner. Before anybody says anything, the first naughty comment gets a smack upside the head from me, because ewwwww. Charles, by the way, is wibbling like an infant, as if to silently say, "And all this because I don't have the 'nads to say Sick Kid's first up on the menu when she croaks."
Charles composes himself and carries dinner out to his family. He shovels out heaping spoonfuls of Beef in Gangrene Sauce to everybody else and leaves himself a potato and a small slice of beef. Oh, sure, Charles, take the chance everybody else gets enough of a dose to keel over and you only get a mild headache. Or, you know, stop counting things by hitting on the ground, if that's really horse sedatives. Everybody sits down to eat, but Prissy Mom stops them so they can say Grace. "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for all the grub. Praise Jesus. And a drink for all our homies. *pours milk on the floor*" Oh, they do not. Instead, Prissy Mom starts in a speech about how great it is that they've all gotten some food. How long has it been since these people last ate? Please tell me they've been eating the bedding. I'd be amused.
As she talks about how they should all be thankful for the nice, quiet death they're all about to receive, Charles develops gills and learn how to breathe when all of the air in the room is replaced with liquid guilt.
And because it'd be much more interesting to watch Charles and his family keel over from drug overdoses, it's off to the country with us, where Creepy Guy's flunkies arrive at Dad's house. Sheesh, doesn't anybody have anybody else to harrass? You know, Wilcox has a six-foot tall pile of fluffernutters. I'm just sayin'. Geraint Wyn Davies, who's walking from the barn to the house, spots the trucks and promptly spazzes. He races back to the house and tells Wool Hat to lock the front door. Meanwhile, Kim Cattrall does nothing, because she's starting her glorious lifetime reign as queen of all she surveys in the Land of Stress-Induced Catatonia.
Geraint Wyn Davies drags Wool Hat and Kim Cattrall out of the kitchen into -- holy crap, this is a real whole house and not just a kitchen on a set made entirely out of popsicle sticks. "Who is it?" Wool Hat shrieks. Geraint Wyn Davies yelps that these are the same guys who killed Mom and Dorky Fiance. No, you killed Mom, dipstick. Let's replay the video, shall we? Kim Cattrall trembles silently in the corner, reminding herself that this will all be over soon and she can go on to star in Columbo: How To Dial A Murder.
Outside, the World's Crappiest Hunters sneak around the house under cover of wide, open fields. Pudgy Leader (who I guess is Creepy Guy, but meh, too late to make me change now) orders a minion to go inside the house. Wool Hat cowers in a corner while Geraint Wyn Davies tried to use his l33t shooting skills to shoot the guy in broad daylight when he's not moving. Stupid Minion, who look eerily like Stanley Spedowski, walks right up to the house and wanders around looking up at the sky. I've got ten bucks that says Stanley Spedowski's got more of a survival instinct than this guy. And of course, it comes as no surprise when Geraint Wyn Davies raises his shotgun through a crack in a window while Stupid Minion is standing right there and shoots him in the chest.
Stupid Minion keels over, and Pudgy Leader snaps, "I should have known it was too quiet!" Oh, for Pete's sake.
Pudgy Leader goes fucking apeshit, I'm guessing because hislovers minions keep dropping like flies, and orders his other minions to fire at the house. That's a good idea. After the last gunfight, specifying a target might be a good plan. Geraint Wyn Davies yelps for the others to stay low and runs off to fire at them from the kitchen. So what, they can think there's more than one gunmen with bad aim in there?
Elsewhere on the planet, Dad drives towards somewhere on a dirt road ... er, someplace. But hey, he's bringing backup! (He is bringing backup, right? And not a dog named Backup like Veronica Mars, right? Right?!) Oh, wait, I see where he's going. He's going to ... Wilcox? Please tell me he's there to pick up S'mores or something. Aw, nuts, he's there to make Wilcox his backup. And guess what? Wilcox is still cocky, even with all of the accidental murder he caused. But, hey, look at that. He dialed Rent-A-Minion and got a good deal on some extra flunkies. I'm sure poor, overworked John Deere appreciates that.
Back at the farm, Geraint Wyn Davies fires at the World's Crappiest Hunters, who only seem to bee hitting glasses sitting on the kitchen counter. See what happens what you practice shooting with empty glass bottles? You only hit empty glass bottles. Pudgy Leader sends a spare minion to creep into the house, and heeeeey, they locked all the doors. One whack upside the screenwriter's head with the Continuity Mallet! Instead of just walking in and blowing all three family members away, Teleporting Minion just takes nice, quiet steps into the room.
And since Kim Cattrall is the first one to spot him, she's dragged back kicking and mutely screaming from her wonderful reign as Gloriana on High of the Land of Stress-Induced Catatonia. So she screams Geraint Wyn Davies's name just in time for him to flail backwards and fire at the guy, hitting him in the chest. Wool Hat and Geraint Wyn Davies give themselves a moment to get shot at while marveling that Kim Cattrall spoke which ... stop that. You're only encouraging her to do more of it.
Wilcox and Dad and Truck Full O' Flunkies shows up and the World's Crappiest Hunters make a run for it. Geraint Wyn Davies, Wool Hat, and Kim Cattrall run out to fall over Dad like a bucket of kittens dropped over his head, and Kim Cattrall blurts out that nearly being attacked by a teleporting minion has helped her completely get over her fiance being beaten to death at the wedding before the rice could be thrown. Or, you know, cooked in a giant pot and passed out to the guests while a mournful tune from the 1930s played on the soundtrack, but you say toe-may-to.
The World's Crappiest Hunters drive off en masse in their black cars of doooooom, and get steered off the road by a giant menacing thresher machine. (Notice how I elaborate on that as if there's a "happy, bouncing show-tune-singing thresher machine" option.) And let's just put it this way -- they all get cornered, and there's another shootout. Hold up, did all of the cops starve first? Tell me there's at least a sheriff's deputy around here who's not Wilcox who had the common sense to save a few cases of Top Ramen. There isn't? Oh, lovely.
And much like an Eddie Izzard routine at its most hilarious, the World's Crappiest Hunters and their spooky black cars end up all over the place. One in a frozen lake, one over a cliff, one into a cave, one into a giant puddle of marmalade, one eaten by Godzilla, one melted over an open flame. Amazing, considering they started this gunfight with only two cars and a van.
The van, by the way, runs into a ditch, so Dad takes that opportunity to hop on a bulldozer, race over at roughly the speed of light, and flip it on its side. Whoever's driving the thresher machine then rams into it, successfully venting Hans the Burly Arm-Crossing Bodyguard's forehead. Hi, Hans's brain! I see yoooooouuuuuuuuuu!
And now we get another montage. The crushed van! Car in the lake! Car over the cliff! Headless man covereed in jam! Geraint Wyn Davies breathing heavy ... ahhhhhh! Meanwhile, Dad's still flipping and squishing the van with the bulldozer, and boy, he's not going to be happy until he smashes it down into a little metal ball the size of a ball bearing, is he?
Finally, Dad gets off the bulldozer (ooo, kinky) and walks over to Geraint Wyn Davies, who'd like to know if it's over now. Dad says it won't be, before spooning sugary platitudes all over the poor traumatized kid. Dad's mustache offers the kid a comforting bowl of chicken soup, but Dad guzzles it down first and resolves to shave the bastard off when he gets home.
Aaaaaand that's the end, ladies and gentlemen. No getting to see the bloated, drug-riddled corpses of Charles and his family, no seeing Dad and Geraint Wyn Davies sent to jail on manslaughter charges, no gleefully watching Wool Hat being bounced around the foster care system. I find the end unresolved, mostly because of the lack of cannibalism. And also, the lack of shit blowing up and Hugh Jackman naked, which improves everything.
Yay! The end! I thought I'd never see daylight. Boy, am I starving. Who's got Twinkies? Wait, I hate Twinkies. Anybody got Star Crunch? Anyone?
We open on trucks driving down a dirt road in the dark towards what I assume is where the farmers live, and seriously, I feel the need to argue that there really aren't this many dirt roads in the country even though the filmmakers are maybe only exaggerating it a tad. On the soundtrack, the Throbbing Beat of the Synthesizer Guy Having a Heart Attack plays as the trucks drive off into the country.
Meanwhile, back at the fully-equipped roadblock run by imbeciles, Dad races down the street and is spotted by two
Back at Charles's house, Charles lugs Sick Child down the stairs for dinner. No, not to be fed to the others, you dingbats. Although, I think some quality cannibalism could only improve this movie. Charles makes some crack about how it's a special occasion, so they should all be eating at the table. What is this special occasion, that they actually have food? What do they do during their regular dinnertimes, sit in different parts of the house and stare at empty plates? Sick Child begs for food, and Charles tells everyone, "Now you'll see why I have the reputation as the greatest cook in the country." Now they'll see? Did he just find this family two weeks ago or something? Just lying in a gutter, looking for a home with a man who wears a it's-not-a-toupee haircut and a Mr. Rogers sweater.
Prissy Mom says she'll help, but Charles insists she sit at the table while he serves. Charles walks into the kitchen, which has the uncanny ability to turn anything that walks into bright yellow-orange. Charles removes a roast from the oven, then reaches into his pocket and takes out PILLSPILLSHE'SGOINGTOPOISONTHEMALLPILLSPILLS. Ahem. While Charles prepares to off his whole family with horse sedatives or whatever the hell he managed to scrounge up, Prissy Mom's in the dining room talking to Sick Kid as if they've never met before and she just showed up for tea. Heeeeey, that kid's wearing the same sweater she was wearing in her other scene. No wonder she's sick! The little bastard's probably never been bathed.
Prissy Mom tells Sick Kid that Charles brought home her favorite vegetable, to which Sick Kid exclaims, "Brussels sprouts!" And I'm sorry, but Brussels sprouts? First off, what small, sickly child likes Brussels sprouts? And secondly, who's the asstard who brought Kim Cattrall Brussels sprouts as a wedding present? That's like the culinary equivalent of giving her a Chia Pet. They probably taste the same, too.
So Prissy Mom decides to ramble on about Brussels sprouts, and it's now official. No conversation prominently featuring Brussels sprouts should go on for more than three seconds. She keeps yammering about what they'll grow in the garden when it gets warm again -- good luck with that by the way -- while in the kitchen, Charles pours his special homemade gravy of death and suffering over the dinner. Before anybody says anything, the first naughty comment gets a smack upside the head from me, because ewwwww. Charles, by the way, is wibbling like an infant, as if to silently say, "And all this because I don't have the 'nads to say Sick Kid's first up on the menu when she croaks."
Charles composes himself and carries dinner out to his family. He shovels out heaping spoonfuls of Beef in Gangrene Sauce to everybody else and leaves himself a potato and a small slice of beef. Oh, sure, Charles, take the chance everybody else gets enough of a dose to keel over and you only get a mild headache. Or, you know, stop counting things by hitting on the ground, if that's really horse sedatives. Everybody sits down to eat, but Prissy Mom stops them so they can say Grace. "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for all the grub. Praise Jesus. And a drink for all our homies. *pours milk on the floor*" Oh, they do not. Instead, Prissy Mom starts in a speech about how great it is that they've all gotten some food. How long has it been since these people last ate? Please tell me they've been eating the bedding. I'd be amused.
As she talks about how they should all be thankful for the nice, quiet death they're all about to receive, Charles develops gills and learn how to breathe when all of the air in the room is replaced with liquid guilt.
And because it'd be much more interesting to watch Charles and his family keel over from drug overdoses, it's off to the country with us, where Creepy Guy's flunkies arrive at Dad's house. Sheesh, doesn't anybody have anybody else to harrass? You know, Wilcox has a six-foot tall pile of fluffernutters. I'm just sayin'. Geraint Wyn Davies, who's walking from the barn to the house, spots the trucks and promptly spazzes. He races back to the house and tells Wool Hat to lock the front door. Meanwhile, Kim Cattrall does nothing, because she's starting her glorious lifetime reign as queen of all she surveys in the Land of Stress-Induced Catatonia.
Geraint Wyn Davies drags Wool Hat and Kim Cattrall out of the kitchen into -- holy crap, this is a real whole house and not just a kitchen on a set made entirely out of popsicle sticks. "Who is it?" Wool Hat shrieks. Geraint Wyn Davies yelps that these are the same guys who killed Mom and Dorky Fiance. No, you killed Mom, dipstick. Let's replay the video, shall we? Kim Cattrall trembles silently in the corner, reminding herself that this will all be over soon and she can go on to star in Columbo: How To Dial A Murder.
Outside, the World's Crappiest Hunters sneak around the house under cover of wide, open fields. Pudgy Leader (who I guess is Creepy Guy, but meh, too late to make me change now) orders a minion to go inside the house. Wool Hat cowers in a corner while Geraint Wyn Davies tried to use his l33t shooting skills to shoot the guy in broad daylight when he's not moving. Stupid Minion, who look eerily like Stanley Spedowski, walks right up to the house and wanders around looking up at the sky. I've got ten bucks that says Stanley Spedowski's got more of a survival instinct than this guy. And of course, it comes as no surprise when Geraint Wyn Davies raises his shotgun through a crack in a window while Stupid Minion is standing right there and shoots him in the chest.
Stupid Minion keels over, and Pudgy Leader snaps, "I should have known it was too quiet!" Oh, for Pete's sake.
Pudgy Leader goes fucking apeshit, I'm guessing because his
Elsewhere on the planet, Dad drives towards somewhere on a dirt road ... er, someplace. But hey, he's bringing backup! (He is bringing backup, right? And not a dog named Backup like Veronica Mars, right? Right?!) Oh, wait, I see where he's going. He's going to ... Wilcox? Please tell me he's there to pick up S'mores or something. Aw, nuts, he's there to make Wilcox his backup. And guess what? Wilcox is still cocky, even with all of the accidental murder he caused. But, hey, look at that. He dialed Rent-A-Minion and got a good deal on some extra flunkies. I'm sure poor, overworked John Deere appreciates that.
Back at the farm, Geraint Wyn Davies fires at the World's Crappiest Hunters, who only seem to bee hitting glasses sitting on the kitchen counter. See what happens what you practice shooting with empty glass bottles? You only hit empty glass bottles. Pudgy Leader sends a spare minion to creep into the house, and heeeeey, they locked all the doors. One whack upside the screenwriter's head with the Continuity Mallet! Instead of just walking in and blowing all three family members away, Teleporting Minion just takes nice, quiet steps into the room.
And since Kim Cattrall is the first one to spot him, she's dragged back kicking and mutely screaming from her wonderful reign as Gloriana on High of the Land of Stress-Induced Catatonia. So she screams Geraint Wyn Davies's name just in time for him to flail backwards and fire at the guy, hitting him in the chest. Wool Hat and Geraint Wyn Davies give themselves a moment to get shot at while marveling that Kim Cattrall spoke which ... stop that. You're only encouraging her to do more of it.
Wilcox and Dad and Truck Full O' Flunkies shows up and the World's Crappiest Hunters make a run for it. Geraint Wyn Davies, Wool Hat, and Kim Cattrall run out to fall over Dad like a bucket of kittens dropped over his head, and Kim Cattrall blurts out that nearly being attacked by a teleporting minion has helped her completely get over her fiance being beaten to death at the wedding before the rice could be thrown. Or, you know, cooked in a giant pot and passed out to the guests while a mournful tune from the 1930s played on the soundtrack, but you say toe-may-to.
The World's Crappiest Hunters drive off en masse in their black cars of doooooom, and get steered off the road by a giant menacing thresher machine. (Notice how I elaborate on that as if there's a "happy, bouncing show-tune-singing thresher machine" option.) And let's just put it this way -- they all get cornered, and there's another shootout. Hold up, did all of the cops starve first? Tell me there's at least a sheriff's deputy around here who's not Wilcox who had the common sense to save a few cases of Top Ramen. There isn't? Oh, lovely.
And much like an Eddie Izzard routine at its most hilarious, the World's Crappiest Hunters and their spooky black cars end up all over the place. One in a frozen lake, one over a cliff, one into a cave, one into a giant puddle of marmalade, one eaten by Godzilla, one melted over an open flame. Amazing, considering they started this gunfight with only two cars and a van.
The van, by the way, runs into a ditch, so Dad takes that opportunity to hop on a bulldozer, race over at roughly the speed of light, and flip it on its side. Whoever's driving the thresher machine then rams into it, successfully venting Hans the Burly Arm-Crossing Bodyguard's forehead. Hi, Hans's brain! I see yoooooouuuuuuuuuu!
And now we get another montage. The crushed van! Car in the lake! Car over the cliff! Headless man covereed in jam! Geraint Wyn Davies breathing heavy ... ahhhhhh! Meanwhile, Dad's still flipping and squishing the van with the bulldozer, and boy, he's not going to be happy until he smashes it down into a little metal ball the size of a ball bearing, is he?
Finally, Dad gets off the bulldozer (ooo, kinky) and walks over to Geraint Wyn Davies, who'd like to know if it's over now. Dad says it won't be, before spooning sugary platitudes all over the poor traumatized kid. Dad's mustache offers the kid a comforting bowl of chicken soup, but Dad guzzles it down first and resolves to shave the bastard off when he gets home.
Aaaaaand that's the end, ladies and gentlemen. No getting to see the bloated, drug-riddled corpses of Charles and his family, no seeing Dad and Geraint Wyn Davies sent to jail on manslaughter charges, no gleefully watching Wool Hat being bounced around the foster care system. I find the end unresolved, mostly because of the lack of cannibalism. And also, the lack of shit blowing up and Hugh Jackman naked, which improves everything.
Yay! The end! I thought I'd never see daylight. Boy, am I starving. Who's got Twinkies? Wait, I hate Twinkies. Anybody got Star Crunch? Anyone?
