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May. 13th, 2006 09:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosYou know, so far the scariest thing about this DVD is that it opens with an ad for the first two seasons of Tales from the Crypt on DVD, which used to scare me far more than it probably should have. Well, that's the scariest thing, right after contemplating the amount of bleach it must have taken to make Paris Hilton's hair look that fried.
House of Wax
Part One, Part Two
Part Three
When last we left our intrepid heroes, Elisha was covered in melted ponies and Paddywhack needed a fifteen-inch. Fan belt, you pervs. Sheesh.
Anyway, Scary Redneck offers to give Paddywhack a ride into town to go get one, which elicits the sort of dramatic pause Scary Redneck probably would have gotten if he'd offered to teleport Paddywhack there through sheer force of will. "You serious?" Paddywhack says, to which Scary Redneck responds with a far too hopeful, "If you like." Oblivious to the fact that Scary Redneck sounds like he's hitting on him -- understandable, really, considering Paddywhack's shirt and haircut make him look like a twelve-year-old glandular case -- Paddywhack accepts.
Elisha offers to come along, so Blake and Paris wander off while Mayhem -- I shit you not -- strips off the wifebeater and hands it to Elisha to wipe her hands off. I keep trying to think about whether my brother would do that if I'd been up to my elbows in liquid deer, but mostly he'd just mock and laugh and that little bastard likes me, so I don't know what the hell is going on here.
Wait, wait! Now I know what's going on! See, Mayhem hands her the shirt, and while he's standing there posing and trying to look fuckable, Elisha strips off her shirt and changes into his wifebeater. I don't care how gross that sweater is or how overpowering Paddywhack and his sexual magnetism are. I don't even think squishy innards in my shirt would be enough to convince me to strip down to my bra in front of my brother and Scary Redneck. Thank God for Paddywhack, who gets up and stands his ginormous body between her and Scary Redneck, thereby blocking Scary Redneck's view of Elisha, the wifebeater, and quite possibly everything west of the Mississippi. He doesn't, however, block Mayhem's view of her. Um, ew.
Hell, even the Buffoon is holding up the stained sweater to block Scary Redneck's view of her. I'm sorry, I must have missed the subplot where Elisha is whacked over the head with a boat oar and her IQ drops fifty points. Scary Redneck laughs like you do when a hot chick does something right in front of you that's proof positive her brain is leaking out of her ears.
When Elisha finishes, she swats the Buffoon and her sweater away with a, "That's okay," to which Paddywhack suggests they leave now. As they walk off, the Buffoon says to Mayhem, "You're just going to let them leave like that with a guy who throws roadkill in a pit for a living?" Okay, first off, you don't know he's a professional. That might just be a hobby. And second of all, look at who you're asking that of. Mayhem points out that the Buffoon works with septic tanks. Again, Scary Redneck might be on the amateur circuit. He might still be working towards his Throwing Dead Things In Pits degree. For all you know, he's spent the last ten years throwing gerbil haunches in puddles to practice for his big break. "What's the difference?" Mayhem asks. "Well, I don't walk through it, for one," the Buffoon answers.
In the Pickup Truck of Doooooom (because really, let's be honest), Paddywhack and Elisha ride in silence while giving furtive glances to the gross little clumpy things dangling all over the place. You know, I know those little air freshener trees are cliche, but this is pushing it. Scary Redneck starts giving Elisha, who's sitting right next to him, all these smarmy looks. No, really, how stupid are these people? You know that feeling when you never finished college, but you meet someone with a degree who's a thousand times dumber than you will ever be? You know, that nice comfortable feeling of quiet vindication? I think that's what this weird buzzing in my head is, but don't quote me on it.
Elisha asks Paddywhack to roll the window down, but there's no handle for either the window or the door. But that's not ominous or anything. Scary Redneck apologizes, saying the Pickup Truck of Doooooom has seen better days. Oh, really? Which one? Paddywhack asks if Scary Redneck would mind rolling down his window. After he adopts an expression of "Window? What's a window?", Scary Redneck finally rolls down his window. "Sorry," he says, "I kinda get used to the smell." There are so many jokes I could make right now that I think I may have just sprained something.
"Really? I don't think I could ever get used to it," Elisha says. Really? Because you spent nine months in the same womb with Mayhem, so you had to be able to get used to some smells eventually. Scary Redneck claims you can get used to anything if you're around it long enough. He also claims that if you get "them" in the early morning before the sun bakes them up, they're not so bad. "If they're fresh, I just take them home," he says. "Why waste the meat?" Words cannot begin to describe how fast I would develop the ability to teleport simply to get the hell out of this man's truck, and I wasn't even dumb enough to strip down to my bra right in front of him.
Properly creeped out, Elisha asks if they're there yet, and Scary Redneck says it's up ahead and takes the opportunity of talking about the town to reveal he's weaing a big-ass dagger at his waist. Elisha grabs onto Paddywhack to point it out, and Scary Redneck takes their reaction as, "You like knives?" Yes, but not in their skulls, backs, or other body parts. Chill, Scary Redneck.
Scary Redneck goes all, "That's not a knife, THAT'S a knife" and shows the fucker off, complete with the left-behind flecks of blood on the hilt. "That's a good knife," Scary Redneck says. "It'll cut through anything." Then he jams it into the dashboard and slams on the brakes, checking off two more entries on the "Creepy Shit I Need To Do To Become An Urban Legend" list.
Paddywhack asks why they've stopped, and Scary Redneck says the town's around the bend, then asks Paddywhack for help turning his hubs into four-wheel, which ... okay, I'm still a little surprised when I find out cars have wheels, and I still know enough to know something's just not right there. Elisha asks when was the last time he was in town. Scary Redneck finally figures out that he might be acting creepier than Tom Cruise at a Planned Parenthood and says, "What, you don't believe me?"
Scary Redneck claims he forgot this way was washed out, and Paddywhack and Elisha say they'd like to walk the rest of the way and let us out NOW kthxbi. 'Cause, you know, he's been so reasonable up until now. After a moment's hesitation, Scary Redneck says, "Sure," yanks the knife out of the dash, and goes to walk around the truck. Okay, this would be when I'd slide over and get out the driver's side, but what the hell do I know?
Paddywhack and Elisha get all antsy like he's going to start hacking at them immediately, but all Scary Redneck does is open the door and say, "Well, get out then." He mutters about trying to do something nice for someone, to which Paddywhack responds it's not like that. Wait, what excuse do you plan on giving him? Because I doubt "My girlfriend likes you better than me" is going to work, although after she stripped down to her bra in front of everybody, I'd love to see him try.
Paddywhack and Elisha start traipsing across the stepping stones in the washed-out road while Scary Redneck watches, and as they get to the other side, Elisha asks if he's still staring at them, which Paddywhack confirms. "Just keep walking," he says. "Yeah, like I'm going to stop," she shoots back.
They turn the corner and sure enough, there's the town. "Well, now I feel like a real asshole," Paddywhack says. Elisha snots, "I don't care. That guy was a freak." They prance along into town as the Dirge of Not Enough Non-Ponies Are Dead For My Tastes Yet plays on the soundtrack.
Off in a ridiculous amount of traffic, Mayhem bitches from the backseat that this lovely little roadtrip of theirs is officially fucked-up, although not in those words. Blake assures him the traffic will move. After a few seconds, Paris points out it's not moving. They say you learn a new thing every day. Today I learned that Paris Hilton has a Bachelor's degree in the Fucking Obvious. Blake says that they'll get there for the second half, but everybody else tells him to turn the car around.
Back in Dumpsville, Paddywhack and Elisha are walking down Main Street and spots flyers up for the Miss Dumpsville beauty pageant. "Wonder how many teeth you have to have to win that one," Paddywhack says. Hey, just because everybody else's choppers are not as blindingly white as yours is no reason to start some shit, Paddywhack.
Elisha spots a pet store and drags Paddywhack over to look at some puppies in the window. Paddywhack pulls her away from the window, because puppies are his Kryptonite. They head over to a gas station to get a part. Gas prices are listed as $1.19 for regular, and I don't even care anymore that the town is populated by serial killers.
Paddywhack and Elisha check out the gas station but can't find anyone around. Elisha's phone rings, and it's Paris informing her they're heading back because traffic is a bitch (much like her). Elisha tells her where to pick them up as they walk around town looking for someone. Some old lady watches them from behind a curtain as Paris says they'll camp out the same place as yesterday but "away from the pet cemetery." Here's a wild and crazy notion. How about camping anywhere else in existence? I hear if you pop a tent at a landfill, you get free pizza. Granted, it's fuzzy and green, but still.
After she hangs up, Paddywhack points out the house of wax up on the hill. Elisha asks about the fan belt, but Paddywhack points out there's no one there anyway. Elisha says that they should ask someone in the church that magically appears behind them with an appropriately "If the house of God is rocking, don't bother knocking" song playing on the organ. Paddywhack agrees, and they walk in ...
... just in time to interrupt a funeral. You know, the dead guy's probably not using his fan belt anymore Just pointing that out. Paddywhack and Elisha make their apologies and split.
Outside, Elisha asks what they should do just as the rockabilly guy who'd been kneeling in front of the casket comes out and tells them they shouldn't have come in. They agree, but say they're from out of town and having car trouble and were looking for the mechanic. Cheap Gas (honestly, that's the best thing in this movie) says he's the mechanic. And he left his place unlocked with the radio playing to go to a funeral? Ah, small towns and the people who won't rob you in them.
Paddywhack says they need a fan belt, to which Cheap Gas snots, "You walked in on a funeral for a fucking fan belt?" Dude, chill. It's not like you put a big sign on the garage door that said, "Off to landfill my loved one. Will shill car parts later." "Let me go dump the casket in the ground, and I'll be right there," Cheap Gas says. It turns out that there's two entirely different kinds of sarcasm, mine and his. Who knew? Elisha apologizes, but Cheap Gas ain't having it.
As he goes inside, Paddywhack mutters, "That's twice today. I'm an asshole." I don't know. That shirt and that haircut make it four times today, if you ask me, but whatever. They start to head back, but Cheap Gas comes back out again and apologizes, saying someone close to him passed and yadda yadda bitchcakes. All of this wouldn't be half as noteworthy if he weren't only talking to Elisha, which Paddywhack's dorky haircut notices right off the bat. Well, of course it would. Up against a pompadour, it really doesn't hold up.
Cheap Gas says he'll meet them back at the station in a half hour, and Elisha says thank you, continuing to live her life as painfully oblivious as possible. As he heads back inside the church, Elisha asks Paddywhack what his fucking problem is. "Nothing," he says, then adds, "Looks like your fan club's gotten a little bigger." You have a girlfriend who takes off her top in front of strangers and her brother and this is surprising to you?
Elisha thinks he's acting like an idiot. I concur, regardless of the stripping. Paddywhack points out that even the Buffoon still has a crush on her, and if he actually thinks the Buffoon is competition, he should probably just get murdered now before his brain starts to ooze out of his ears. "That's three times today you're an asshole," Elisha says. Six, sweetie. Now that I think about it, those pants aren't doing him any favors, either.
She suggests they go up to check out the house of wax, and as they walk up the road, Paddywhack says, "I'm still your favorite asshole, right?" Ah, Paddywhack. I can always depend on you to make even the most innocent line of dialogue sound like the start of porn.
Next up: Mayhem and his stupid buzz cut return. Paddywhack's helmet hair develops an inferiority complex.
Part One, Part Two
Part Three
When last we left our intrepid heroes, Elisha was covered in melted ponies and Paddywhack needed a fifteen-inch. Fan belt, you pervs. Sheesh.
Anyway, Scary Redneck offers to give Paddywhack a ride into town to go get one, which elicits the sort of dramatic pause Scary Redneck probably would have gotten if he'd offered to teleport Paddywhack there through sheer force of will. "You serious?" Paddywhack says, to which Scary Redneck responds with a far too hopeful, "If you like." Oblivious to the fact that Scary Redneck sounds like he's hitting on him -- understandable, really, considering Paddywhack's shirt and haircut make him look like a twelve-year-old glandular case -- Paddywhack accepts.
Elisha offers to come along, so Blake and Paris wander off while Mayhem -- I shit you not -- strips off the wifebeater and hands it to Elisha to wipe her hands off. I keep trying to think about whether my brother would do that if I'd been up to my elbows in liquid deer, but mostly he'd just mock and laugh and that little bastard likes me, so I don't know what the hell is going on here.
Wait, wait! Now I know what's going on! See, Mayhem hands her the shirt, and while he's standing there posing and trying to look fuckable, Elisha strips off her shirt and changes into his wifebeater. I don't care how gross that sweater is or how overpowering Paddywhack and his sexual magnetism are. I don't even think squishy innards in my shirt would be enough to convince me to strip down to my bra in front of my brother and Scary Redneck. Thank God for Paddywhack, who gets up and stands his ginormous body between her and Scary Redneck, thereby blocking Scary Redneck's view of Elisha, the wifebeater, and quite possibly everything west of the Mississippi. He doesn't, however, block Mayhem's view of her. Um, ew.
Hell, even the Buffoon is holding up the stained sweater to block Scary Redneck's view of her. I'm sorry, I must have missed the subplot where Elisha is whacked over the head with a boat oar and her IQ drops fifty points. Scary Redneck laughs like you do when a hot chick does something right in front of you that's proof positive her brain is leaking out of her ears.
When Elisha finishes, she swats the Buffoon and her sweater away with a, "That's okay," to which Paddywhack suggests they leave now. As they walk off, the Buffoon says to Mayhem, "You're just going to let them leave like that with a guy who throws roadkill in a pit for a living?" Okay, first off, you don't know he's a professional. That might just be a hobby. And second of all, look at who you're asking that of. Mayhem points out that the Buffoon works with septic tanks. Again, Scary Redneck might be on the amateur circuit. He might still be working towards his Throwing Dead Things In Pits degree. For all you know, he's spent the last ten years throwing gerbil haunches in puddles to practice for his big break. "What's the difference?" Mayhem asks. "Well, I don't walk through it, for one," the Buffoon answers.
In the Pickup Truck of Doooooom (because really, let's be honest), Paddywhack and Elisha ride in silence while giving furtive glances to the gross little clumpy things dangling all over the place. You know, I know those little air freshener trees are cliche, but this is pushing it. Scary Redneck starts giving Elisha, who's sitting right next to him, all these smarmy looks. No, really, how stupid are these people? You know that feeling when you never finished college, but you meet someone with a degree who's a thousand times dumber than you will ever be? You know, that nice comfortable feeling of quiet vindication? I think that's what this weird buzzing in my head is, but don't quote me on it.
Elisha asks Paddywhack to roll the window down, but there's no handle for either the window or the door. But that's not ominous or anything. Scary Redneck apologizes, saying the Pickup Truck of Doooooom has seen better days. Oh, really? Which one? Paddywhack asks if Scary Redneck would mind rolling down his window. After he adopts an expression of "Window? What's a window?", Scary Redneck finally rolls down his window. "Sorry," he says, "I kinda get used to the smell." There are so many jokes I could make right now that I think I may have just sprained something.
"Really? I don't think I could ever get used to it," Elisha says. Really? Because you spent nine months in the same womb with Mayhem, so you had to be able to get used to some smells eventually. Scary Redneck claims you can get used to anything if you're around it long enough. He also claims that if you get "them" in the early morning before the sun bakes them up, they're not so bad. "If they're fresh, I just take them home," he says. "Why waste the meat?" Words cannot begin to describe how fast I would develop the ability to teleport simply to get the hell out of this man's truck, and I wasn't even dumb enough to strip down to my bra right in front of him.
Properly creeped out, Elisha asks if they're there yet, and Scary Redneck says it's up ahead and takes the opportunity of talking about the town to reveal he's weaing a big-ass dagger at his waist. Elisha grabs onto Paddywhack to point it out, and Scary Redneck takes their reaction as, "You like knives?" Yes, but not in their skulls, backs, or other body parts. Chill, Scary Redneck.
Scary Redneck goes all, "That's not a knife, THAT'S a knife" and shows the fucker off, complete with the left-behind flecks of blood on the hilt. "That's a good knife," Scary Redneck says. "It'll cut through anything." Then he jams it into the dashboard and slams on the brakes, checking off two more entries on the "Creepy Shit I Need To Do To Become An Urban Legend" list.
Paddywhack asks why they've stopped, and Scary Redneck says the town's around the bend, then asks Paddywhack for help turning his hubs into four-wheel, which ... okay, I'm still a little surprised when I find out cars have wheels, and I still know enough to know something's just not right there. Elisha asks when was the last time he was in town. Scary Redneck finally figures out that he might be acting creepier than Tom Cruise at a Planned Parenthood and says, "What, you don't believe me?"
Scary Redneck claims he forgot this way was washed out, and Paddywhack and Elisha say they'd like to walk the rest of the way and let us out NOW kthxbi. 'Cause, you know, he's been so reasonable up until now. After a moment's hesitation, Scary Redneck says, "Sure," yanks the knife out of the dash, and goes to walk around the truck. Okay, this would be when I'd slide over and get out the driver's side, but what the hell do I know?
Paddywhack and Elisha get all antsy like he's going to start hacking at them immediately, but all Scary Redneck does is open the door and say, "Well, get out then." He mutters about trying to do something nice for someone, to which Paddywhack responds it's not like that. Wait, what excuse do you plan on giving him? Because I doubt "My girlfriend likes you better than me" is going to work, although after she stripped down to her bra in front of everybody, I'd love to see him try.
Paddywhack and Elisha start traipsing across the stepping stones in the washed-out road while Scary Redneck watches, and as they get to the other side, Elisha asks if he's still staring at them, which Paddywhack confirms. "Just keep walking," he says. "Yeah, like I'm going to stop," she shoots back.
They turn the corner and sure enough, there's the town. "Well, now I feel like a real asshole," Paddywhack says. Elisha snots, "I don't care. That guy was a freak." They prance along into town as the Dirge of Not Enough Non-Ponies Are Dead For My Tastes Yet plays on the soundtrack.
Off in a ridiculous amount of traffic, Mayhem bitches from the backseat that this lovely little roadtrip of theirs is officially fucked-up, although not in those words. Blake assures him the traffic will move. After a few seconds, Paris points out it's not moving. They say you learn a new thing every day. Today I learned that Paris Hilton has a Bachelor's degree in the Fucking Obvious. Blake says that they'll get there for the second half, but everybody else tells him to turn the car around.
Back in Dumpsville, Paddywhack and Elisha are walking down Main Street and spots flyers up for the Miss Dumpsville beauty pageant. "Wonder how many teeth you have to have to win that one," Paddywhack says. Hey, just because everybody else's choppers are not as blindingly white as yours is no reason to start some shit, Paddywhack.
Elisha spots a pet store and drags Paddywhack over to look at some puppies in the window. Paddywhack pulls her away from the window, because puppies are his Kryptonite. They head over to a gas station to get a part. Gas prices are listed as $1.19 for regular, and I don't even care anymore that the town is populated by serial killers.
Paddywhack and Elisha check out the gas station but can't find anyone around. Elisha's phone rings, and it's Paris informing her they're heading back because traffic is a bitch (much like her). Elisha tells her where to pick them up as they walk around town looking for someone. Some old lady watches them from behind a curtain as Paris says they'll camp out the same place as yesterday but "away from the pet cemetery." Here's a wild and crazy notion. How about camping anywhere else in existence? I hear if you pop a tent at a landfill, you get free pizza. Granted, it's fuzzy and green, but still.
After she hangs up, Paddywhack points out the house of wax up on the hill. Elisha asks about the fan belt, but Paddywhack points out there's no one there anyway. Elisha says that they should ask someone in the church that magically appears behind them with an appropriately "If the house of God is rocking, don't bother knocking" song playing on the organ. Paddywhack agrees, and they walk in ...
... just in time to interrupt a funeral. You know, the dead guy's probably not using his fan belt anymore Just pointing that out. Paddywhack and Elisha make their apologies and split.
Outside, Elisha asks what they should do just as the rockabilly guy who'd been kneeling in front of the casket comes out and tells them they shouldn't have come in. They agree, but say they're from out of town and having car trouble and were looking for the mechanic. Cheap Gas (honestly, that's the best thing in this movie) says he's the mechanic. And he left his place unlocked with the radio playing to go to a funeral? Ah, small towns and the people who won't rob you in them.
Paddywhack says they need a fan belt, to which Cheap Gas snots, "You walked in on a funeral for a fucking fan belt?" Dude, chill. It's not like you put a big sign on the garage door that said, "Off to landfill my loved one. Will shill car parts later." "Let me go dump the casket in the ground, and I'll be right there," Cheap Gas says. It turns out that there's two entirely different kinds of sarcasm, mine and his. Who knew? Elisha apologizes, but Cheap Gas ain't having it.
As he goes inside, Paddywhack mutters, "That's twice today. I'm an asshole." I don't know. That shirt and that haircut make it four times today, if you ask me, but whatever. They start to head back, but Cheap Gas comes back out again and apologizes, saying someone close to him passed and yadda yadda bitchcakes. All of this wouldn't be half as noteworthy if he weren't only talking to Elisha, which Paddywhack's dorky haircut notices right off the bat. Well, of course it would. Up against a pompadour, it really doesn't hold up.
Cheap Gas says he'll meet them back at the station in a half hour, and Elisha says thank you, continuing to live her life as painfully oblivious as possible. As he heads back inside the church, Elisha asks Paddywhack what his fucking problem is. "Nothing," he says, then adds, "Looks like your fan club's gotten a little bigger." You have a girlfriend who takes off her top in front of strangers and her brother and this is surprising to you?
Elisha thinks he's acting like an idiot. I concur, regardless of the stripping. Paddywhack points out that even the Buffoon still has a crush on her, and if he actually thinks the Buffoon is competition, he should probably just get murdered now before his brain starts to ooze out of his ears. "That's three times today you're an asshole," Elisha says. Six, sweetie. Now that I think about it, those pants aren't doing him any favors, either.
She suggests they go up to check out the house of wax, and as they walk up the road, Paddywhack says, "I'm still your favorite asshole, right?" Ah, Paddywhack. I can always depend on you to make even the most innocent line of dialogue sound like the start of porn.
Next up: Mayhem and his stupid buzz cut return. Paddywhack's helmet hair develops an inferiority complex.
