BLAAAARGH.

[apocalypsos]

Dear hair ... if you grow faster, I'll buy you a pony. *tugs on it*

Also, yuletide signups are open! You should all go sign up so that there are lots and lots of great fics come Christmas morning. And I hope they do the stocking stuffer thing again because that was a great post-family-dinner time killer. :)

Oh, oh! Have I mentioned how giggly the Project Runway commercials make me? Especially the one where Tim Gunn walks into the studio, turns on the lights, and says, "Finally." Yes, GOD, finally. \o/

And while I was at work last night, I spent a lot of time thinking about the SPN premiere and why Dean's behavior works for me. I mean, I'm not expecting this explanation to work for anybody else, God knows, but it feels right to me. And I'm not saying Dean's right, because maybe he should shut the hell up and stop putting his foot in his mouth (and God knows it's not like he's been guilty of saying the wrong thing before), but since I think he's coming from a good place I'm giving him a little slack.

It's just that Dean will NOT stop cracking wise about the whole demon-deal thing. The high cholesterol crack, the canon threesomes (and can I say how much I would like someone to make me an icon of thumbs-up Dean that says, "I like cheeseburgers and canon threesomes!"), his casual attitudes towards the deal. Dean's so comfortable with this whole thing (although admittedly, he'd much rather NOT die, but ... okay, for Sam, whatever) he's cracking jokes. I'm sure telling Sam, "A choice between your life and mine? Yours, no contest," will not be sinking into Sam's brain any time soon the way Dean wants it to. He wants Sam to accept it and let it happen, and telling him outright that he'd give his life for Sam in a heartbeat just is not working. So, girls and fatty foods and beer, oh my!

Why the behavior makes sense to me, regardless of how much of a jerk it may make Dean look like:

Dean didn't get to have this.

When he was in Sam's shoes and John was in his, he knew NOTHING. He didn't know John was going to do it, he didn't know how easily John gave up his life for his son (a son who we all know has some serious self-esteem issues), and he sure as hell didn't get a year. Dean got a warning about Sam and a heart attack. That was it. Hell, Sam should feel grateful that he gets another year with Dean -- if the demon had said, "Hand it over right now," Dean probably would have done that, too. And then Sam would have had the same thing Dean had last year -- a void.

Dean's got to be looking back on John's decision now with different eyes, exactly as everyone is pointing out, and in doing so he's got to be seeing John's decision as something other than it was to him last year. John went out in a heartbeat, and he left this huge weight on Dean's shoulders -- YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOUR BROTHER, OR KILL HIM. Who does that? Weren't we all bitching about that last year? I mean, it's totally in character for John but Jesus Christmas, John, you big dumb tool. Dean spent so long agonizing over that. John didn't let him get used to the idea, he didn't let Dean (and Sammy) try to find a way out of the deal, he didn't get a chance to show them that ... well, Dean's life or his? No contest.

Dean knows damn well that Sam can live without him. Sam did it for four years. Of course, Dean's not taking into consideration that Sam is a completely different person than the angry kid who went off to Stanford and avoided his family for four years. But the fact is that Dean's still got those four years in his head (even though he's still conveniently forgetting the whole wanted-by-the-FBI thing when it comes to Sam having a normal life in the future). Sam doesn't know it yet, but he'll be okay. He's a great kid who's as independent as John's training and Dean's raising him could have made him. He'll be upset for a while, but he'll get over it, like he probably did in Stanford.

And when he does, he's going to know damn well that Dean enjoyed his last days and that Dean giving up his life for Sam was a no-contest decision.

Besides, Sam alive and pissed at him is waaaaay better than Sam dead and not pissed at him, you know?

Like I said, I really do buy Dean's behavior, even though I do think he's going about the entirely wrong way.

EDIT: Oh, I almost forgot!

How much do I love Jim and Pam together? THIS MUCH, plus THIS MUCH. Pam just always has this look of glee on her face anymore. This big beaming smile every time Jim says anything, and it just gets so much wider when she or Jim confirm they're dating. "Yes, I am! I'm dating this guy! Aren't you totally jealous? 'Cause you should be -- he's AWESOME!" And there is a part of me that adored the "the magic's gone" scene to vast immeasurable extremes, because it's just so very meta like the writers were sitting back in the writing room snickering like Muttley.

And as much as I would loathe a girl like Kelly with every fiber of my being in real life, I worship the ground she walks on on the show. Especially that little headshake, which KILLED me.

Also ... oh, Ryan. If I knew you had a two-hundred dollar haircut, I'd give you twice as many noogies. :)

Comments

[regala-electra.livejournal.com]

Man, your thoughts on Dean. Yes. Yeah. Totally.

*thumbs up*

[mercymydarling.livejournal.com]

Ryan seems like a complete douche this season... to me. I'm not sure if I'm going to be amused by that or really annoyed.

...though? Jim? Being smug? "I guess he can't get any girl..." ADORABLE. *pinches cheeks*

[sabra-n.livejournal.com]

Kelly is completely appalling and utterly hilarious. Which is pretty much par for the course in this show, but my god I was goggling when she said, "We have a date!"

-blue

[jamesinboots.livejournal.com]

I totally agree with your thoughts on Dean. I've been looking at it from the point where he made the deal on - I understand his reaction because, really, he just sold his soul. It seems like part of him is cracking and breaking, and he just doesn't see it. I found it interesting how he says to Sam, "well, that didn't take long" when Sam says he's over Dean's behavior at the end of the episode. It was like Dean expected Sam to get fed up with him. And, earlier in the episode, Dean was also surprised that Sam was happy Dean was happy. It's just. It's like Dean's expected his behavior to tip Dean over the edge. Which makes me wonder if it's somehow a cry for help or if Dean is trying to push Sam away. Make Sam hate him somehow, so he doesn't have to worry about Sam being heartbroken and wrecked when the hellhounds come for him.

So, yeah, I totally believe Dean's behavior. Add all the brilliant points you made about Dean's thought process up to the point where he made the deal, and it makes even more sense.

Oh, Dean. Man, he's such a brilliantly fucked up character. *cuddles him*

[sophie-448.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you so much for your thoughts on Dean's behavior. It really helped things cohere in my brain. Because while I really appreciated Dean's behavior in my first viewing of the premiere, and I definitely understood why he was doing it, for the first time in the history of EVER I was on Sam's side in an argument. And actually that was kind of a nice change for me, but very disorienting. Anyway, you really helped me get back into Dean's head as well.

That said, I don't think Sam would really get over it if Dean went to Hell for him. And that's really the kicker for Sam, I think. The eternal torment and damnation aspect. If Dean "just" died, then that would be much more acceptable and he probably would eventually move on, but if the demon takes Dean's soul, Sam is going to be dealing with that for the rest of his life. Every time he wakes up in the morning, every time he even thinks about laughing, or having fun, or moving on, he's going to think "My brother is being tortured RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE so that I could have this." That's a huge, huge burden and one that Dean should really understand considering he carried it last year. So I guess I really do think Sam's right on this one, because he seems to be grasping the concept of eternal torment a lot more than Dean is right now . . . unless he's just not admitting it. And we all know what Dean's issues are so I'm sure and eternity of pain and torture seems like nothing more than what he owes his brother, but still. Umm, I grow incoherent. Heh.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Oh, damn straight. I mean, Dean knows exactly what Sam's feeling right now for all the obvious reasons. And he's taking his usual tact, which isn't to confront the problem head-on but to distract Sam from his feelings by either amusing him with his antics or pissing him off to the point where he's thinking about Dean being an ass instead of Dean being tortured in Hell.

And I think Dean really didn't consider the burden until after he saved Sam, because it was as usual All About Sam. There's also the fact that Dean is only leaving Sam with the knowledge he'll be tortured for eternity. Which, okay, seems pretty bad put in that context, but I get the impression that a lot of the people who are pointing to how broken Dean was last season are forgetting how little of that breakage was due to John's sacrifice. A good part of it was, yes, but a lot of it was due to John telling him he might have to kill the brother he loves more than anyone else in the world. A LOT. The fact that he seems to be "forgetting" how he felt last year and how Sam might feel the same after he's gone might be because he wasn't nearly as bothered by that than he was by John saddling him with this horrible terrible thing he might have to do to Sam. He may be heading off to be tortured, but he sure as hell isn't going to saddle Sam with the added grief of, "Oh, and while I'm gone, you may have to murder a beloved relative. Bye!"

Dean knows Sam's going to be thinking guilty thoughts about Dean while he's having fun and Dean's off in Hell. I mean, he's Sam. But I think we can all admit that he wouldn't nearly be as badly off as Dean would without him. Dean saying that he was being selfish by bringing Sam back ... I mean, at this point Dean needs Sam. Sam needs Dean, too, but not in the same way. Dean needs Sam on an almost pathological level, and his approach to the deal is a lot like his approach to Sam going to Stanford -- obviously he doesn't like the separation, but he can go on just fine as long as he knows Sam's safe and alive somewhere out there.

And still, Sam guilty and alive > Sam dead and no longer to feel guilt. On some level, Dean loves Sam so damn much he doesn't give a damn what he feels. It's a King Solomon kind of thing, and Dean's the real mom saying, "No, don't kill him! She can take the baby!" Does Sam feel guilty? GOOD. Then he's feeling something, not rotting in a six-foot-deep hole.

And ... heh. Totally get the incoherence. :)

[tenebris.livejournal.com]

And--was it you who pointed this out last year?--it seems that Dean has always thought that he's going to Hell. I don't know where the discussion came up, but there's this thread through the episodes where this has come up that Dean feels that his unworthiness in life will totally be reflected in an unworthiness in death, too. Which may be another reason why he's so accepting of it--once again, there's that light at the end of the tunnel, and it tells him exactly where he's gonna be. No more wondering.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

And let's not forget that most of Dean's cracks about his deal to Sam and Bobby in the premiere were reaction to the two of them giving him shit about enjoying his last days on Earth. Yeah, they're sure he'll be saved before then, but what if they can't? And really, as Dean pointed out, they can't, because if they do Sam dies. All the man wants to do is eat whatever he wants and have a lot of fun sex -- and really, who wouldn't want to do that before they die? -- and Sam and Bobby are trying to make him feel bad about it.

[astaria51.livejournal.com]

YES.

& also: Just because we might not agree with Dean/it's not the moral, fluffy thing to do, doesn't mean it's not the way he thinks.

[jellicle.livejournal.com]

Your thoughts on Dean? Perfect!

Dean not only has the Stanford years to remind him that Sam can go on without him, he has the two times he walked out on him, plus his words telling Dean that he can't wait to be a person again. Dean is the one holding him back, so he's gonna free Sam of the burden. Because Dean doesn't believe that Sam really gave up on being normal.

It hurts, but Dean knows that he depends on Sam way more than Sam depends on him.