Yeah, I paid money to see this movie. What of it?

[apocalypsos]

For the record, this may not actually be an accurate telling of the events in this movie. Which … well, hell, is pretty fair, don’t you think?



A Complete Play-By-Play of My Viewing of The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising

SCHOOL

Will: *leaves school, gets randomly pounced by about five bajillion brothers*
Students: *all flips open cell phones at the same time*
Filmmakers: See? ‘Cause it’s funny how attached kids these days are to their portable phones and Game Boys and whatnot!
Me: *quietly seethes*

THE BUS HOME

Twins: *hold up camera to Will* So, Will, how do you like your first semester in as an American in a foreign country?
Will: Well, I am most definitely NOT staring at that hot chick over there.
Maggie: *looks pretty for being in her mid-40s*
Me: (Yes, even from behind. The hell?)

SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE IN QUAINT ENGLISH TOWN

Limo: *pulls up to Stanton boys and obligatory that-girl-we-were-trying-for little sister Gwen as they walk home*
Merriman: Hi, Stantons! Want some candy?
Stantons: …
Merriman: Er, a puppy?
Stantons: …
Merriman: Damn it, I’ll get this not-being-a-creepy-stalker thing right eventually. Party invitation?
Will: Okay, sure! *grabs it*
Lady: He’s really kind of gullible, isn’t he?
Merriman: Oh, yeah.

STANTON THE-VAGINA-IS-NOT-A-CLOWN-CAR MEMORIAL HOME FOR BOYS (AND ONE GIRL)

Stanton boys: *arrive home to find Ephram from Everwood and his three lonely chin pubes have showed up from college*
FauxEphram: Will, I’m stealing your bed!
Twins: You can sleep in the body outline on our floor instead!
Will: You know what? I’ve got a better idea.
Me: Please say it’s guilt-tripping your parents out of their bedroom with the fact they lost your twin … whoops, spoiler!

ATTIC

Will: *makes sad little pallet on bare wood floors out of a couple of very pathetic-looking comforters*
Me: *could have sworn she saw a decent-sized couch in that living room, IDIOT*

LIVING ROOM

Mr. Dawson and George: *lug in Christmas tree*
Will: *shovels cereal into his mouth like he’s starving, which it’s entirely possible he is*
Mom: Hey, thanks for the tree!
Um, one of the two: We figured we’d bring it before the eeeeeeeeeevil snowstorm from Hell comes, spreading death and destruction as far as the eye can see and freezing every homeless guy for miles!
Mom: *blinks*
Will: *dribbles milk*
Mr. Dawson: Hey, you’re Will Stanton!
George: Hi, Will Stanton! Wow, Will Stanton!
Mr. Dawson: I have your pictures over my bed!
George: I wrote Mrs. George Stanton all over my Trapper Keeper!
Mr. Dawson: Will you sign my yearbook?!
Will: *starts edging cautiously offscreen*

LIVING ROOM, A WHILE AFTER WILL’S GONE OFF TO SCRUB AWAY THE SKEEVE

Stantons: *crowd around webcam and spazz out*
Stephen: *on webcam from Hawaii* Hello, Stantons! I can say it like that because I’ll never be in a scene with any of you so it’s not like we’re going to meet individually or anything! I got everybody the cheesiest presents I could come up with! Oh, and I also found something special for you, Will.
Will: *opens present* A belt? Great, now I can start building that cot this family’s too cheap to cough up.

ATTIC

Will: *sleeps on his depressing little pallet on the floor as it snows only over his corner of the room*
Me: No, seriously, you can get a sleeping bag for a kid that size for, like, thirty bucks.

GARISH MALL

Will: *spots cheap wad of mud on a string dangling from a rack in a kiosk* My little sister would love this!
Kiosk attendant: Why? Does she live in a cage in the basement?
Will: Of course not! That’s our guest bedroom. *pays for crap on a string and walks away*
Mall PD: Hold on, kid, you’re coming with us.

CREEPY BASEMENT INTERROGATION ROOM WITH AWFUL LIGHTING

Mall PD: We want to know what you stole from that store.
Will: Uh, I didn’t actually go into it, and I think the correct terminology is “kiosk,” not “store,” and --
Mall PD: GIVE US CRAP ON A STRING! *grabby hands*
Will: *gives them a shove hard enough to fling them across the room and makes with the running and flailing and Muppet arms*
Mall PD: Damn it, I knew we should have finished reading that last part of “How to Make Friends and Influence People”!

MANOR PARTY

Stantons: *shows up en masse*
Merriman: Stantons! Oh, yay! We’ve been waiting all this time JUST FOR YOU.
Stantons: O.o
Merriman: … except not really, because that would be creepy. Hot chocolate? Mince pie? Really old sparky device from the very first Spencer’s Gifts?
Will: Sparky device?! *bounds off*
Lady: Dude, we definitely need to invest in more mature warriors.
Merriman: Preach it, sister. *fist bump*

MANOR PARTY, SEVERAL SECONDS LATER AFTER THE WONDERS OF THE SPARKY DEVICE HAVE EXCEEDED WILL’S ATTENTION SPAN

Maggie: *enters*
Will: *ears perk up*
Me: (Also, there might be panting. Just putting that out there.)
James: Yeah, too slow, Molasses Joe. *goes off to canoodle with Maggie*
Will: *throws temper tantrum and stomps off into the woods*
Lady: No, seriously, next time we’re setting up a sign that says, “You must be this tall to defend all mankind against the forces of darkness.”

WOODS

Will: *grumbles and stomps* Hate brothers, hate family, hate Britain, hate the royal family and money named after weights of measurement and tea and Vegemite --
Me: That’s Australia, idiot.
Black Rider: *approaches on white horse*
Christopher Eccleston fangirls: *squeal happily*
Will: Uh, isn’t that horse supposed to be a different color?
Black Rider: You shut up! The writer of this review hasn’t even read the books yet!
Will: … good point.
Merriman, Lady, and Those Other Two Guys: *show up all of a sudden*
Lady: Hey, Will, how’s things?
Will: Oh, what are you doing here?
Lady: Shhh. I’m secretly a ninja. Tell no one.
Will. Uh … okay?
Merriman: Begone, Black Rider! Or I’ll typecast you as a snarky guest star on popular genre TV!
Black Rider: Oh, that’s cute, that’s just REALLY fucking cute. *rides off*

REALLY OLD CHURCH IN THE WOODS

Will: Uh, where are we?
Merriman: A really old church in the woods. Really, Will, the scene heading is RIGHT THERE. *points*
Will: … okay, let me try another approach. What in God’s great big bag of jelly beans is a’goin’ on?
Merriman: How about the short version?
Me: Too late.
Merriman: You’re the seeker, the one meant to find the six signs, the last Old One born, and the seventh son of a seventh son --
Will: Ha! I only have five older brothers! And my parents would never deliberately not tell me there was one missing because it was too depressing! And just for that -- *smashes his sister’s crap on a string, revealing a sign*
Lady: You were saying?

STANTON THE-VAGINA-IS-NOT-A-CLOWN-CAR MEMORIAL HOME FOR BOYS (AND ONE GIRL)

Will: *Googles ‘the light and the dark’*
Me: … you’re kidding, right? *Googles for my own damn self and gets result 1-10 of 170,000,000*
Will: *shrugs* Okay, I’ll just check all of these.
Film’s editing staff: Dude, you have no idea how long it took to edit this sequence. NO FUCKING CLUE. For God’s sake, the porn alone took us two decades of our lives we‘re never getting back.

DAD’S OFFICE

Will: Hey, Dad, since you’re a physics professor I thought I could talk to you about light and dark and how it’s really all just a thinly veiled fight between good and evil bogged down by metaphor after being badly translated for the big screen --
Dad: *sees Will’s reflection in the mirror propped up against the wall for no particular reason* SWEET JUMPING CHRISTMAS THERE ARE TWO OF YOU! *runs and hides*
Will: … uh, so you don’t think the screen adaptation is cheap and hideous then?

ATTIC

Will: *goes to climb up and close window, falls down and hurts his ankle*
Me: Does that mean the movie’s over? Please tell me that means the movie’s over …

STANTON THE-VAGINA-IS-NOT-A-CLOWN-CAR MEMORIAL HOME FOR BOYS (AND ONE GIRL)

Mom: This is what you get for crawling around up in the attic.
Will: I had to sleep somewhere!
Mom: You do realize you’re sitting on a pretty comfortable easy chair, right?
Black Rider: *arrives at door* Hi there! I’m disguised as a doctor! No one will ever know it’s me!
Audience: *chokes on popcorn*
Mom: Oh, fabulous! I’ll just go do something meaningless while you verbally threaten my son.
Black Rider: Sweet!
Will: *whimpers*
Black Rider: Hey, your ankle’s broken.
Will: Uh, I noticed.
Black Rider: *pokes it*
Will: Ow! Quit it.
Black Rider: *pokes it*
Will: Ow! Quit it.
Black Rider: *pokes it*
Will: Ow! Quit it.
Black Rider: *pokes it*
Will: HEY! Knock it off!
Black Rider: Will you give me the signs?
Will: NO!
Black Rider: *pokes his ankle*
Will: Ow! Quit it.

ATTIC

Will: *finds box labeled ‘Will and Tom’* Who the fuck is Tom?
Me: Well, I know one thing -- he’s not your friend.

SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE IN QUAINT ENGLISH TOWN

Mom: Oh, Tom. He’s your identical twin brother your dad lost.
Will: What do you mean, “lost”?
Mom: Well, there were seven of you at the time. We really should have started putting bells on you all.
Will: But … but in the books, wasn’t Tom the oldest and didn’t he die of some lung disease --
Mom: You shut up! The writer of this review hasn’t even read the books yet!
Will: *grumbles* I wouldn’t have to keep making these points if this movie were made right.
Filmmakers: Uh, hello? Reading is hard.
Susan Cooper: *bangs her head against a wall until she knocks herself unconscious*

CHURCH

Black Rider Doctor: *seated by Will and his parents* Hi, Stantons! I’d like you to meet some old lady doll I borrowed from the prop department and just call my mom!
Will: Dude, you have SO MANY ISSUES.
Will: *stares up at church window and sees Curlicue Of Great And Very Much Substantial Meaning*
Everybody else in church except Will and the Light gang: *vanishes*
Merriman: Uh, I think we’re in 1290.
Lady: Okay, we’re never letting that kid watch High Anxiety.
Black Rider Doctor’s Fake Mum: *shows up and turns into a great big pile of snakes*
Me: I bet Indiana Jones has nightmares JUST LIKE THIS. Plus, Kate Capshaw is in them.
Merriman: Will, find the sign!
Will: Uh, I’m a little covered with snakes right now! *falls into secret passage*
Snake: *slithers in with him*
Will: *opens crypt to find sign in mouth of skull covered with cloth decorated with Curlicue Of Great And Very Much Substantial Meaning*
Me: Hey, so nice of them to label them all like that.
Will and the Light gang: *reappear in church*
Black Rider Doctor: CURSES! *mentally shakes fist in air*
Black Rider Doctor’s Fake Mum: *is probably still made of snakes*

AFTER CHURCH IS OVER …

Will: So, wait, what’s the sixth sign?
Merriman: It’s a soul freely given.
Will: Boy, I wonder if anyone important to the plot would be willing to trade their soul for a Milky Way or something …
Merriman: *headsmack*

COVERED BRIDGE OF YOUR IMMINENT DOOOOM (BY THROWN BANANAS)

Maggie: *is totally not the faceless hooded figure standing there*
Black Rider: Get me the signs from that dumb kid! Look, you really don’t want to piss me off. I’ve had companions piss me off before and you know what I did?
Maggie: Hit them with sticks and threw them off buildings?
Black Rider: Don’t you start, too!

STANTON THE-VAGINA-IS-NOT-A-CLOWN-CAR MEMORIAL HOME FOR BOYS (AND ONE GIRL)

James: Look, Mom, I brought my hot new girlfriend for dinner!
Maggie: *waits until everyone turns away, then makes salt dance in the air for Will*
Will: Wow, are you an Old One?
Maggie: *giggles* Do I look old?
Me: Oh, hon, you and the dark circles under your eye baggage really don’t want me to answer that.
Will: Oh, hey, guess what? I have powers, too!
Me: Okay, obviously the hypothermia that comes from sleeping on the bare floor of an unfinished attic under an unsealed window in the wintertime is liquefying your brain cells.
Maggie: Aw, that’s so cute! *pats him on his wee little head and walks away*
Will: *stomps off*

MANOR

Will: Dude, what good are these powers if they can’t get a guy some tail?
Merriman: Forget girls, you need to think about the signs!
Will: Do the signs have boobs?
Merriman: Uh, NO.
Will: *stomps out and starts blowing shit up with his mind*
Gwen: *shows up* Oh, no, Will!
Will: *blows up windmill with his mind*
Gwen: Bastard! What did Holland ever do to you?
Will and Gwen: *disappear and end up surrounded by Vikings*

UM, WHENEVER THERE WERE VIKINGS

Vikings: *are pissed and drunk and beating people up, like you do*
Will and Gwen: *cower*
Kitten: MEW.
Gwen: Kitty! *scampers after*
Will: Dude, wrong fucking kids’ movie!
Viking: *drags off shield with sign attached, girl by her hair, and fifty-ton keg of ale with one hand*
Will: Hey, Big Red, trade you that shield for that handy beeping watch my snazzy little sister gave me for my birthday.
Viking: Sweet! This’ll go great with my X-Box!
Will: … okay, then!

OUTSIDE STANTON THE-VAGINA-IS-NOT-A-CLOWN-CAR MEMORIAL HOME FOR BOYS (AND ONE GIRL)

FauxEphram: *heads off to brood like he used to in Colorado, except without wearing Birkenstocks*
Black Rider Doctor: Hey there, little fella! Want to be possessed?
FauxEphram: Is that a trick question?
Black Rider Doctor: Uh …
FauxEphram: I’d love to be possessed! Just don’t cut off the chin pubes.

QUAINT ENGLISH VILLAGE

Snow: *falls like a motherfucker*
Every building in town: *is boarded up*
Will: Wait, does this sign on the door of the grocery store really mean they’re out of food?
FauxEphram: GIVE ME THE SIGNS, DICKSMACK.
Will: … so, no then?
FauxEphram: *jumps up and down on his head*

GROSS AND SMELLY 16-SOMETHING-OR-OTHER VILLAGE

Will and FauxEphram: *appear in said village*
Will: Oh, great, now look what you did!
FauxEphram: *smacks him around a little*
Will: *runs into pub to find a cockfight about to start*
FauxEphram: *leaps from the mud and runs into the pub to see the cockfight*
Will and FauxEphram: *wrassle*
Me: Boy, I wonder if mentioning two teenage boys rubbing up against one another at a cockfight will get me kicked off LJ?

PUB IN QUAINT ENGLISH VILLAGE

Will and FauxEphram: *reappear in store*
Will: I’m really sorry to have to do this to you but … what the hell am I saying? *jumps up and down on FauxEphram’s head, then steals the sign attached to a feather off the stuffed rooster from 1690 in the glass case in the pub LOOK JUST GO WITH IT OKAY?!*

MANOR

Everybody in town: *is curled up around the great big fireplace ‘cause all the heat went out everywhere else*
Maggie: *waves at Will*
Will’s voice: *drops an octave*
Black Rider: *rides up to the manor* You know what’s fun at a sleepover? Freezing everybody’s underwear. *sends the frozen lake outside the manor into the house and makes it all cold and whatnot*
Will: Okay, this kind of REALLY FUCKING SUCKS.
Me: *eye roll* Thank you, Captain Obvious, I knew we could count on you!
Everybody: *goes batshit insane*
Will and Maggie: *run into some big room in the manor*
Maggie: Give me the signs!
Will: Well, you don’t have a personality, haven’t had that many lines, and are only sort of pretty under the right lighting and angles, but you might have a good idea there …
Me: Dude, don’t give them to her! She’s an AARPiece of Ass!
Maggie: *Bilbo rage face* GIMME THE CHEAP-ASS PROP BELT, ASSTARD!
Will: Uh … oh, hey, look, a pretty sparkly thing in the skylight!
Me: Oh, my God, he really is distracted by shiny objects. *headsmack*
Will: *smashes the skylight, making big humongous shards of glass fall into the water*
Me: Boy, it’s a good thing that house isn’t quickly flooding with fast-moving water that’s dragging the entire town through the house and possibly through this room against their will.
Will: *finds sign in the water*
Maggie: NO! My makeup! It‘s expiring! *shrivels into mummy*

REALLY OLD CHURCH IN THE WOODS

Will and the rest of the Light gang: *hole up inside*
Merriman: Don’t open the door!
Black Rider Oh, It’s SO Will’s Parents: Let us in! The weather kind of sucks out here right now and we want to borrow your sad little comforters!
Will: Oh, my God, it really IS my parents!
Merriman: Okay, are you professionally retarded?
Will: *opens doors*
Black Rider: Ha, ha! You American kids are just great big mounds of stupid, aren’t you? *flings the rest of the Light gang into his pet cloud of smoke*
Will: Okay, I think I’m about five seconds away from completely losing my shit.
Black Rider: Don’t you want this? *shows Will glass ball with Tom inside it*
Will: Wait, you kidnapped my twin brother? But we were still in America!
Black Rider: I had the horse flown in special and everything! *flings the ball*
Will: Oh, no! *chases after ball*
Me: Boy, that’s funny. I could swear you could move things with your mind.
Will: Me too! *continues running*
Me: *headsmack*
Explanation of ensuing events: *is not worth my time or yours*
Black Rider: *is now in glass ball*
Tom: *is not*
Lady: Hey, Will. We found this wandering around and figured you might want it back.
Will: Are you okay?
Tom: Yeah, sure. You’d be surprised, but that glass ball of the Black Rider’s was actually bigger on the inside.
Audience: *snorts Coke out their nostrils*

Comments

[opportunemoment.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha. Oh dear. When people can't even be bothered to take the piss out of your final battle, you know you're in trouble.

[marag.livejournal.com]

::goes off to dig her copies of the books out of the gigantic pile left to be catalogued::

Thank you for a good laugh :D

[rowanberries.livejournal.com]

Well, now I really don't have to watch it. :D

[palmetto.livejournal.com]

Dear God, I could hear Christopher Eccleston saying those things.

[batyatoon]

Me too. *is cracking up*

*is also here by way of link from daniidebrabant*

[norabombay.livejournal.com]

I knew that the movie would be bad. But this seems terrible beyond imagining.

I loved the books. And the best thing I'll be able to do? Is completely avoid the movie.

[cleverthylacine]

I'm so totally, completely torn.

On the one hand, I loved the books. I was THIRTEEN when "Silver on the Tree" came out, and the day it came out, I made my parents find me a bookstore (we were on vacation) so I wouldn't have to wait till I got home to get a copy.

On the other hand, Christopher Eccleston! In a fancy black outfit with long flowing hair! Being ... Christopher Eccleston!

I think I may approach it as random movie with Christopher Eccleston being hot in it. Because I know it's really not "The Dark is Rising".

[thalionar.livejournal.com]

*cries* I knew they were going to ruin it, but damn...

thanks for the laugh, though :)

[daniidebrabant.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing all over the place*

...thank you for this. I haven't even read the books and I was offended with what they did to them in the movie from what I saw in the trailer. SO avoiding.

[suaine.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. I think I need to read the books and forget they ever made a movie out of them.

[sabra-n.livejournal.com]

I have the feeling the ankle-poking scene isn't half as funny as you made it seem. So thanks for saving me the time, money, and suffering. (Christopher Eccleston fangirl here. Thinking about this movie pains me.)

-blue

[smallship1.livejournal.com]

Actually, you might enjoy the books. There are some nice bits in there. Somebody should really make a film of one of them some day.

In the meantime, you rock.

[broken-klaive.livejournal.com]

I burst out laughing here at work. Thank you! Adding you to my friends list has paid off! I got to read this before someone on Metaquotes found it! =p

You saved me seeing the movie. I send you internet cookies of luv!

[twelve-pastels.livejournal.com]

ARGH. Books...treasured childhood memories...abuse of literature...

And yet I would probably go and see it just for Christopher Eccleston. There is no reason on God's green earth why I should find that man so attractive, and yet GUH.

(Kind of like how I went to see Eragon so that I could watch Jeremy Irons in leather pants.)

GIC

[honorh.livejournal.com]

Oh, there's every reason you should find that man so attractive. The clavicle on display above is but one of them.

Re: GIC

[twelve-pastels.livejournal.com]

homina homina homina

...and the jawline, and the chin, and for some inexplicable reason I really want to nip the bridge of his nose...

Re: GIC

[foxxydancr.livejournal.com]

oddly, not doing it for me. My love of the books wins out.

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

Well, you spared ME the trouble of spending money on it. *G*

[kanedax.livejournal.com]

I'm... *sigh* When I first saw the trailer in front of OotP I was very confused.

First I thought it was a prequel to those Frankie Muniz spy movies. Or some Alex Rider thing.

Then I saw Merriman and The Rider and was temporarily giddy.

Then the sickness started to set in.

Thank you for telling me to save my money and pull out the old books again.

[trinity_clare]

Oh, thank you for this. Those books defined my childhood almost as much as Harry Potter, so I'm a little traumatized by the existence of this movie.

[meredevachon]

If I were a smarter person, I would've just sent you the $4, been very entertained, and saved myself a couple hours of WTF?

[isabeau.livejournal.com]

*cries laughing* <3

[genarti]

Okay, you have no idea how hard I just had to work to keep a straight face at my desk.

I had no intention of seeing it anyway; I love the books deeply, and I do not intend to inflict this travesty on myself nor give my money to the people who made it. But this is a delightful summary, and I am still giggling inside.

[laughingacademy.livejournal.com]

For the record, this may not actually be an accurate telling of the events in this movie. Which … well, hell, is pretty fair, don’t you think?

Annnnnnd you had me cracking up right there.

[l-vera01.livejournal.com]

*grr*

They ruined such a wonderful series. I'm just going to pretend this movie never existed.

[l-vera01.livejournal.com]

And yeah, you're summary is funny, but I'm still bitter over what they did to this movie. Don't mind me *sniffles in corner*

[penmage.livejournal.com]

Not only am I not going to see this movie, but I started a rereading/reading community almost in defiance of the movie.

But now I don't have to download it and sit through it, either.

[chasethecat.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, I'm so glad I didn't know that Dark is Rising was made into a movie until last week, I would've cried if I'd let myself anticipate...this. Poor Susan Cooper!

*crosses fingers VERY MUCH that they don't ruin The Golden Compass*

[iltaru]

I just thought that I'd let you know there is justice in the world... The 'Independent', my newspaper ("Independent" because it's not politically biased... I don't know how newspapers work in the US!) has reviewed "The Dark is Rising" as, word for word, this:

Boy turns 11 and finds himself landed with magical powers and a destiny to fight unstoppable evil: ring any bells? It may be that the makers envisaged a Potter-type franchise; there are five books in Susan Cooper's popular fantasy sequence (which predates Potter by more than 20 years); buy by Americanising the hero and grotesquely distorting the plot, they can only alienate the fanbase and confuse the newcomer.

No more, I think, needs to be said. ^_^

[iltaru]

**But by Americanising.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I read the books at least fifteen years ago so I cannot claim I remember them all that well....

...but I feel vaguely traumatized.

Wow. Marking in case I have a break in sanity and go see it for some reason.