Argh ... doofy is what I am ...

[apocalypsos]

Okay, that's it. I'm two hundred pages into OotP and I have to say something. Look, in general, I like it ... it's just ... f***. Well, spoilers a-plenty ahead --

Damn, this sumbitch is long. I mean, if this were book one, you know where I'd be? Harry skulking around the Mirror of Erised, that's where. I'm starting to live with the belief that you give it three months, and JKR's editor is going to be found locked in a utility closet at the publishing company, whimpering pitifully and forever after saddled with a fear of finely sharpened red pencils.

And Harry? You schmuck. That pissy little temper of yours is really starting to grate. Look, you're a fifteen-year-old boy -- you get two pissy points for that. Orphaned -- that's two more. Voldy's back, no one's telling you jack, you live with the Dursleys -- two, two, two. That's ten. You're at thirteen.

Stop that! It's ruddy annoying, is what it is. This whole self-righteous wronged prattle is getting real old, real fast. Then again, you do get a little leeway because ... because fucking Dumbledore.

Albus! Yeah, you, the dip with the beard. *user whacks Dumbledore upside the head with a frozen trout* What in the bloody, bloody hell is wrong with you? You know at first, I thought you had some sort of grand plan that required no one tell Harry a goddamn thing. Then you showed up at Harry's trial, and I was positive you'd gone senile and that's why no one was telling the kid shit. But then Draco gets to be prefect?! So now I know what's wrong with you --

You're. On. CRACK.

Highly expensive, hard-core, top-of-the-line, seeing-visions-of-Snape-and-Malfoy-dirty-dancing wizarding CRACK. The kind of CRACK that makes Lucius' demon spawn look like a responsible individual. The kind of CRACK you can blame when you finally do what you've been wanting to do for four freaking books and start making out with Cornelius Fudge at the offices of the Daily Prophet. The kind of CRACK so potent I've got to capitalize, italicize, and bold-font it every damn time I mention it. CRACK. See?!

Also, if Tonks were any more of a Mary Sue -- although granted, I do like her -- Harry would already be slobbering all over her. Considering she's related to everybody else apparently, he's the only one I can possibly think of for her to suck into her strange yet oddly lovable orbit. She sure as hell isn't a Sirius Sue, unless JKR has given up all pretense and has gone from making the naughty-bad-sex subtext less sub and more text.

Stupid boggart. Remind me to give Molly a hug.

Stupid Sirius' mom. Remind me to give Sirius a hug.

Stupid Percy. Remind me to beat him to death with a shovel. The plastic kind you use at the beach, so that it takes forever.

*grumblegrumble*jkrowlinghasmymotherfrackingpublishingcontract,damnit*grumblegrumble*



Those of you who've never seen me rant before have been warned. *veg*

Comments

[dustbunnygirl.livejournal.com]

Damn, girlie. Tell us how you REALLY feel...

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Grr. I feel like the fact that JKR's not been in close personal contact with a fifteen-year-old boy lately is starting to show.

But still, I do like it in general. It's just I wish everybody would stop pissing me off.

I'm so pissy I messed up the LJ cut the first time. I hope nobody saw any spoilers on their friends list because I'm a doof. *wince*

[dustbunnygirl.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Deb said Harry pretty much goes through the book acting like he's got a broomstick wrapped in barbwire up his ass. From her, though, that's a compliment, so... But she did say it was good, so hopefully it improves.

[norabombay.livejournal.com]

Tonks, while a pink haired girl and kick butt and cool and all, is not in anyway a major character. Nor does she date a major character.

And in an obscure reference, to me, she reminds me far too much of Tabitha "Boom-Boom, Boomer, Meltdown" Smith, of the late lamented X-Force.

I think it's the hair.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

I know, I just wish she'd stop tweaking that button in my head. I've been spoiled enough to know she's not major, but I keep feeling like I'm going to flip a page and she's going to be making out with Lucius or something.

Then again, maybe I'm on the CRACK.

[jenboo.livejournal.com]

aw, man...my copy of OotP is in my office in Seattle and I'm still in Central Oregon....I want to read it!!! Your rants do nothing but fuel my desire to read the damn book.

Wonder what JKR would do if *she* were faced with a frozen trout? *g*

Re:

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Personally, if she were faced with ME and a frozen trout, I'd like to think she'd whimper pitifully and run. :)

[anxietygrrl.livejournal.com]

Well, really, who wouldn't?