apocalypsos: (steve)
[personal profile] apocalypsos
Hey, guess where I went today? That's right, I saw Return of the King.


********

Dear Motion Picture Academy,

The following actors need to be nominated for Oscars: Viggo, Elijah, Miranda, Sean Astin, and Andy. And don't give me that "not being able to see the actor past the special effects" bullshit with Andy. In that case, we should revoke John Hurt's well-served nomination for "The Elephant Man". And don't give me that bullshit about the CGI. It's called progress. You may have heard of it.

Sincerely,

Me

********

Dear Sam,

Admit it. You're really a golden retriever puppy. I've got ten bucks on it.

Also, marry me. Seriously.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. Frodo? Kiss him, already!

********

Dear Frodo,

Sam didn't want to tell you this, but when he says, "As you wish," what he's really saying is "I love you."

Sincerely,

Me

********

Dear Legolas,

God, you're pretty. Do you moisturize?

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. Gimli's right. I don't care if it is the size of Rhode Island, it only counts as one.

********

Dear Head Orc,

Rocky road?

Sincerely,

Me

********

Dear Aragorn,

You clean up nice. And such pretty hair, too. Did Legolas lend you his Split-Ender?

Sincerely,

Me

********

Dear Gimli,

Ask Aragorn if you can borrow Legolas's Split-Ender.

Don't you hate it when Legolas and Gandalf gossip about boys and braid each other's hair? I imagine that must get annoying after the fiftieth time or so.

Sincerely,

Me

********

Dear Faramir,

Do you need a hug? Because amazingly enough, I've got arms.

Sincerely,

Me

********

Dear Denethor,

You may mean well, but seek professional help.

No, not from an arsonist, dumbass. From a shrink! Sheesh.

Sincerely,

Me

********

Dear Boromir,

Yeah, you're full of arrows, but look on the bright side. At least your father didn't use you as kindling regardless of all the breathing and whatnot.

Sincerely,

Me

********

Dear Eowyn,

Wow, what a coincidence. That's my daughter's name.

Yes, I know I don't have kids yet. But one day I will have a daughter, and her name will be Eowyn, and I will be incredibly shocked at that truly amazing coincidence.

Sincerely,

Me

********

Dear Theoden,

See what happens when you tell girls and hobbits to stay home? Hmmm?

Sincerely,

Me

********

Dear theater asshat,

You showed up at the movies to see ROTK on opening weekend at the exact same time the previews began. The amount of right you have to complain can only be viewed by an electron microscope. Stupid fuckstick.

Sincerely,

Me


So, yeah. Big movie love. I'm actually really glad I didn't read the books beforehand, because I was never bothered by "It didn't happen that way in the books!" indignancy.

Date: 2003-12-20 04:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elfiepike.livejournal.com
Dear Eowyn,

Wow, what a coincidence. That's my daughter's name.

Yes, I know I don't have kids yet. But one day I will have a daughter, and her name will be Eowyn, and I will be incredibly shocked at that truly amazing coincidence.


How amazing! That's my daughter's name too!

Date: 2003-12-20 04:43 pm (UTC)
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
From: [personal profile] azurelunatic
Despite having read the books, I was happy.

Jackson

Date: 2003-12-20 06:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] seferin.livejournal.com
Do you think they went a bit Star Wars on some of the battles?

Date: 2003-12-20 07:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cleobourne.livejournal.com

Dear Gimli,

Ask Aragorn if you can borrow Legolas's Split-Ender.

Don't you hate it when Legolas and Gandalf gossip about boys and braid each other's hair? I imagine that must get annoying after the fiftieth time or so.

Sincerely,

Me
I laughed so hard at this it is now my favorite and I swear I will work it into a conversation within a week

Date: 2003-12-20 07:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] papa-denethor.livejournal.com
Dear Person Who Dares Address Me

I don't mean well. I meant well with Boromir. It's hardly my fault that Faramir is useless.

The only things I need are:

A) Boromir to not be dead
B) Peter Jackson to apologize for turning my death into a joke.

Sincerely,

Me

Re: Jackson

Date: 2003-12-20 08:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nocluvok.livejournal.com
Glad to see I wasn't the only one who experienced a Star Wars flashback.

Date: 2003-12-20 08:33 pm (UTC)

Date: 2003-12-20 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gehayi.livejournal.com
Dear Denethor:

I didn't think that Jackson turned your death into a joke. Half the audience tonight winced, gasped and cried out when they saw you burning alive. I do think that running off of a cliff was a bit much, but I can see fire driving you crazy enough for that.

However...telling your one surviving son that you wished that he was dead and his brother was alive--that was cold. And going suicidally nutzoid when you nearly got what you asked for--dead Faramir--was really not too bright. Almost burning your still-living son also was not very bright. Don't they have any doctors in Gondor who could check and make sure that the corpses are corpses before cremation?

On the plus side, you did get to hear a hobbit with a terrific voice sing you an incredible song.

Oh, you might be pleased to know that, during the reign of King Elessar of Gondor, Faramir became Lord of Emyn Arnen, Prince of Ithilien and Steward of Gondor. He also married Eowyn, the White Lady of Rohan, slayer of the Witch-King of Angmar. Then again, you might not be pleased. Just thought I'd tell you how it all turned out.

Sincerely,

Me

Re: Jackson

Date: 2003-12-20 11:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] trishalynn.livejournal.com
I blame Gandalf. I just saw it again tonight and it was totally all Gandalf being very Yoda-like in his movements.

Date: 2003-12-20 11:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] trishalynn.livejournal.com
Dear Mr. Denethor,

Don't listen to those evil LJ-people. They only need to be converted to the wonder that is GabrielByrne-resembling Denethor who dislikes his son Faramir and loves his son Boromir but not in that way because you hate it when your sons got "close".

I personally feel that yes, you got slighted in your scenes in ROTK but that's because of the whole book-being-different-from-the-movie thing. Still, I thought Mr. Noble did a fine job portraying your grief.

Um, have a cookie?

Sincerely,

Minion to Eomer the horsefucker

P. S. To TP and others: this is mostly a MESPT-thing. ^_^

Date: 2003-12-21 01:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gehayi.livejournal.com
Dear Denethor of the House of Hurin, Lord of Gondor, Lord of Minas Tirith, son of Ecthelion II and grandson of Turgon:

Is that a bit more respectful? I hope it is.

And yes, Mr. Noble really did do a good job of portraying a man devastated by grief and pain.

Sincerely,

Me


Re: Jackson

Date: 2003-12-21 01:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cmstephens.livejournal.com
I kinda got that impression about Gandalf in ROTK, too...

Date: 2003-12-21 01:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dinanimo.livejournal.com
I love you.

I love your review...

Date: 2003-12-21 01:59 am (UTC)
ext_10182: Anzo-Berrega Desert (hot mulder lounging)
From: [identity profile] rashaka.livejournal.com
Do you need a hug? Because amazingly enough, I've got arms.

I second that. Me next, me next!

Re: Jackson

Date: 2003-12-21 07:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nocluvok.livejournal.com
Mine came when the riders were fighting the elephants. I kept expecting someone to shoot a grappling hook and ride in circles around the elephant until it fell.

Re: Jackson

Date: 2003-12-21 10:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] trishalynn.livejournal.com
Oh, man, you're right! Battle elephant or AT-ATs, it's all the same. ^_^

Still, no one slid off of an AT-AT as it was falling, so there's the stunt team of Wingnut outdoing the Lucasfilm ones.

Re: Jackson

Date: 2003-12-21 11:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nocluvok.livejournal.com
Hush now, some aspiring young Jedi might get the idea he could actually do that.

"Look, Yoda! No hands!" *THUD, SQUISH*

Re: Jackson

Date: 2003-12-21 08:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] seferin.livejournal.com
Personally, I was waiting for Aragorn to go Highlander on somebody. Anyone else think the Bitchking should have been (de)capped?

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