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Dec. 22nd, 2003 09:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosSo, yeah. Captain Asshat managed to do not one, not two, but three idiotic things today. (Okay, so two of them obviously happened and/or began another day. Just go with it.)
We start at the beginning, when he arrives. And I discover to my amused dismay that Captain Asshat is trying to grow a goatee.
Now, let's remember here ... Captain Asshat bears a striking resemblance to Michael J. Fox. And the Michael J. Fox Resemblance package comes complete with the Couldn't Grow Facial Hair Even If I Wished Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Hard add-on. So essentially, what I ended up staring at all day was a strangely shaped patch of hair pointing at me and saying, "You there! The saucy bitch with the fire in your eyes! Um ... got any Rogaine?"
Stupid move number one.
So the day goes on, and my supervisor Sofia leaves. Sofia is Cuban, and has this distinctive accent that we all tease her about. Sofia has also made a point, on more than one occasion, of saying to me that she thought like I did that Captain Asshat tends to dislike women. So after she left, Captain Asshat came into her office, which I use when she's gone, to get a package and he started cracking on her accent. I did the same thing, because frankly it's fun to talk like Sofia.
But then he goes a step further by talking to me like he's her (and she calls him on everything he does wrong, so he wasn't saying anything nice, anyways) and he snarks, "Oh, and you know what your problem is? You don't like women."
Well, I was surprised that Sofia might have come out and said it to his face, but okay. I'm nothing if not honest. So I come out and say, "Look, no offense, but you do talk to women like that."
So he starts to argue that, and meanwhile I'm saying that while it might not be that way, it certainly sounds that way. Frankly, I'm sick of him "testing" me with pop culture trivia like I'm some sort of trick pony. But my favorite was his argument --
"Hey, my mother was a big-time feminist! She worked for a big engineering firm, and they discriminated against her because she was a woman!"
Okay, you know what? My grandfather was beaten up by a gang of black guys when he was a teenager and became a lifetime racist, but that doesn't make me a bigot. Give me a good goddamn argument, damn it.
Stupid move number two.
And my personal favorite, the piece de resistance, stupid move number three ... well, Sofia told me when I came in. She couldn't stop laughing as she told me about what happened Friday night after I left.
Apparently, Captain Asshat was mostly done with his work and went to sit and check his email on the only hooked-up computer, which is in a corner of the office but is still in full view of everyone else. The regional manager and the dock manager were discussing something nearby when they both noticed that Captain Asshat, knowing full well they had to be able to see him, was two knuckles deep into a quality nose-gold dig.
And as if his level of supposed embarrassment wasn't high enough, once he achieved his "buried treasure" ...
He ate it.
In front of two bosses.
They said nothing, of course, but they did tell the rest of the office workers, which is twice as funny.
Captain Asshat's Christmas present from me is that, when another office worker was saying we should do a Secret Santa thing and said, "Whoever we pick, that's who we buy a present for," I didn't immediately flash the Captain a disgusted look and say, "So, what does one get the booger who has everything?"
I should have known something was afoot earlier when every time I'd blow my nose, Captain Asshat's stomach would growl.
(Have I thoroughly disgusted you for the week yet? *Mr. Burns voice* Excellent.)
You realize, of course, that if I give him a promition for achieving this level of stupidity in one day, he becomes Major Asshat. Seems rather poetic, wouldn't you say?
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Date: 2003-12-22 08:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-22 10:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-22 11:49 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2003-12-23 12:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 12:42 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2003-12-23 01:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 10:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-22 10:50 pm (UTC)I would suggest simply killing him and feeding him to the pigs, but then where would one get amusement from?
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Date: 2003-12-23 04:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 04:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 01:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 06:12 am (UTC)*Endorsed by disaffected members of Generation X everwhere*
"Hey, my mother was a big-time feminist! She worked for a big engineering firm, and they discriminated against her because she was a woman!"
*And some of my best friends are Jews*
The regional manager and the dock manager were discussing something nearby when they both noticed that Captain Asshat, knowing full well they had to be able to see him, was two knuckles deep into a quality nose-gold dig.
*He was just doing some house cleaning*
And as if his level of supposed embarrassment wasn't high enough, once he achieved his "buried treasure" ...
He ate it.
In front of two bosses.
*He did not have change for the snack machine*
They said nothing, of course, but they did tell the rest of the office workers, which is twice as funny.
*It was the smartest move he did that day, since he probably did not need the calories of real food*
(Have I thoroughly disgusted you for the week yet? *Mr. Burns voice* Excellent.)
*Yes, thank you, I was hoping to lose weight, and I don't think I will be able to eat for the rest of the day*
You realize, of course, that if I give him a promition for achieving this level of stupidity in one day, he becomes Major Asshat. Seems rather poetic, wouldn't you say?
*Anyone else flashing back to that scene in Spaceballs? 'I knew it! I'm surronded by assholes! Keep firing assholes!'*