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[apocalypsos]

You want to have some fun? Tell your mother you're buying your brother a tattoo for his 18th birthday.

The reaction? It's hilaaaaaarious.

She tried to argue that he's only eighteen ("Great, then you have no say"), he doesn't need a tattoo ("Mom, no one needs a tattoo"), and he can never get it removed ("Well, actually, he can, but if he doesn't choose something stupid from the start, he won't want to").

It took me that long to get a word in edgewise, and that word was, "Aren't you the same woman who saw my tattoos and said she wanted one?"

Well, yes, but she didn't get one, now, did she? God forbid she ended up a 65-year-old grandma with a tattoo on her ass.

I'm sorry, but if I knew either one of my grandmothers had a tattoo on her ass, I'd think she was the coolest grandma on the planet. Of course, if I knew one of my grandmas had a tattoo on her ass, it's entirely possible it's because I would have seen it and ohGodmyeyestheyburn.

Hell, I savor the thought of showing off my tattoos to my grandkids and scaring the hell out of them. That'll keep the little bastards in line.

Of course, she ended the call by grumbling, "Well, he's eighteen, I can't stop him from getting one. I just want him to graduate high school." My mother, ladies and gentleman, the most supportive woman I know. And such high expectations, as well. *eye roll*

********

So anyway, Captain Asshat is a constant source of amusement. Today's enjoyment came from the fact that my supervisor was sick with bronchitis and/or walking pneumonia and could't come in, so I had to come in two hours earlier because I'm the only one who knows her job.

According to him, it's all my fault Sofia stayed home.

Why? Because if I weren't working there, Sofia would have had to come in today. Yes, she would have had to come into work with walking freaking pneumonia.

When I mentioned her sickness, he sounded all doubtful and started going on like Sofia had faked it so that she could stay home. Ooo, look! The Captain's a psychological genius, trying to break the friendly relationship between me and Sofia. That diabolical bastard!

*yawn*

So I'm guessing he figured out no one believed his bullshit story about being sick the other day and decided to get snotty about the whole thing. Which might work if Sofia wasn't the boss's roommate and hadn't gone to the doctor's unlike the Captain. And also, if I were a bonafide moron.

*sigh*

And now I present, in its near-perfect entirety, Captain Asshat's review of "Return of the King," as close to what was said to me in my office today as it would be if I mailed him to your house and let him tell you himself.

Ahem.

"Wow, they killed a lot of horses in that movie!

Seriously, I mean I've never seen a movie where they killed so many horses. Shot, stabbed, thrown off cliffs ... one of the elephants even squished one of the horses. I mean, if you love horses, this is not the movie for you. This was definitely the most violent movie I've ever seen in my life. Even more violent than 'Saving Private Ryan' and 'Braveheart'!

You know what was the worst part? That Eowyn chick. Man, she was annoying. Every time that Eowyn chick was on screen, it was all, 'Oh, love love love, boo hoo.' That's all she did was cry about love."

("Uh, Kevin, which one was Eowyn?")

"Don't you know?"

("Yes, I know, but I'm asking you. Which one was Eowyn? The brunette or the blond?")

"Like I could tell the difference."

("Oooo-kay. Let's try this. What happened to Eowyn in the end?")

"Oh, you know, she married the king."

(I will not laugh, I will not laugh ... "Kevin, that was Arwen. Eowyn was the other one.")

"Oh. Well, she was annoying, too. I mean, that fight with the Witch King? She totally ruined it! She goes into battle, putting people's lives in danger, and then she went up against the Witch King. And here I thought the Witch King and Gandalf were going to have a knock-down, drag-out fight!"

(I know the answer already, but what the hell? "Kevin, did you read the books?")

"Some of 'em. My dad read all of them, and he didn't like her fighting the Witch King, either."

(*headwall*)

"She was so whiny! The king's horse falls on him, and she runs up yelling, 'Daddy! Oh, Daddy!' And she just left the horse lying right on top of him! If she can wield a broadsword, she can certainly lift a horse. They could have saved him if she had!"

(I try to decide which point to argue first, permanently transforming my cerebral cortex into a soggy cup of half-formed strawberry Jell-O.)

"I'll tell you right now, it definitely wasn't as good as 'Return of the Jedi.'"

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm scheduled to be sainted later on tonight by the Pope for not laughing right in his face.

Comments

[cmstephens.livejournal.com]

If that's what I'm getting in the mail, there damn well better be some anthrax in there too, to put me out of my misery quickly.

[akacat]

So does your brother already think you're the coolest sister in the world? Or will this be a new thing?

if I mailed him to your house

It'd be interesting to see the mailman try to stuff him into my 4x6x12 mailbox.

[frogmajick.livejournal.com]

I told my brother I'd get him tatted for his 18th birthday. My mom sighed and said that was a stupid present, and if I was going to spend $200 on him I could at least buy him a tv or something. I got him a guitar and amp instead. His skin is still all clean and pretty.

In other news, not my mom but "the lady upstairs", Elizabeth, who has to be in her late 70's, has 2 tats. One on her thigh, a heart with her husband's name, and one on her bicep, of a dove with ribbon that says her son's names. I asked her about them because they looked great. She told me she got them afte rher husband died as 1. a way to remember her love for him and 2. because she has an irrational fear of being murdered and dismambered and she wanted a way for the morgue to identify her. Gruesome much?

Oh, and re: Cap'n Asshat...please don't mail him to my house. I'd have to drop a horse on him since I don't own a broadsword (but could pick one up if I had to).

My grandma's tattooed! of course, she also eats the bones of the stillborn.

[crantz.livejournal.com]

tattoos! I got almost all of mine before age eighteen. My mother remained permanantly pissed at the whole thing because I didn't trust her to design them.

My uncle is responsible for the ones that go from my fingertips to my shoulderblades and side of my neck because I say that anything that happened when I was younger cannot be blamed on me. I was blinded by his offer to pay for it.

anyway. Ow. At least my body will be easily identified when I get found in a ditch.

I'm thinking of a career as a biker. Or a childcare worker cause hell, why not.

[apillarofsalt.livejournal.com]

If she can wield a broadsword, she can certainly lift a horse.

...I want to know what school he took basic science in so I can kill him and everyone he went to school with before they spawn. I can lift a broadsword, but I certainly couldn't move dead horse weight completely with Rohan battle armor. Not that I've tried, but I'm making an educated guess that it would be very hard.

And old people with tattoos would be awesome. There needs to be more of them.

[tree220.livejournal.com]

if I mailed him to your house and let him tell you himself.

go ahead and send him, I'm not scared . . . I'll just point him in the direction of your room 0:)

[perch-and-creep.livejournal.com]

Well you did reassure her that getting the tattoo doesn't automatically mean his I.Q. plummets and he fails high school right?

And how many tattoo's do you have if you don't mind my asking.

[myniamh.livejournal.com]

"'Daddy! Oh, Daddy!'"

Holy crap. You are a saint!
I wonder if he was watching the right film?

[talmanes.livejournal.com]

Firstly, Captain Asshat sounds like he deserves the moniker. People that stupid should stick to watching Farrely Brothers films. Not that I have anything against their films, you just don't need a brain to enjoy them.

Secondly, about tattoos. I think our generation (and here I'm defining people between the ages of 35 and 15, I guess) have taken a much more lax and liberal view toward body modifications. We are the generation that does not fear tattoos and piercings. I'm lucky in that of my core family (father, mother, sister), I was the last to get a tattoo, because I was the only one who really took it seriously (in that I took a year getting used to the idea of the tattoo I wanted). My family finds tattoos completely acceptable, but then, we're a young family. The current generation just isn't bothered by the idea of permanent marks, and I know plenty of people with tattoos. It's just that older, more conservative folks are still geared toward thinking tattoos are for criminals and bikers. C'est la vie, I guess. When we're all old, everyone's grandparents will have tattoos.

And finally, hello. I added you on perch_and_creep's recommendation, and thus far it seems to have been a wise decision.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

I've got four myself ... the Wiccan symbol of Jupiter on the back of my neck, a pentacle on my shoulder, Edgar Allen Poe's signature across my lower back, and the inscription on the One Ring in two lines as an armband on my left arm. I definitely want my next one to have some color -- I'm probably going to get that one when my brother gets his.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

That's what I tried to argue, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Hell, I used to own a sword, but you don't see me casually lifting half-ton horses off the ground.

He finally grudgingly agreed I might have a point, but that's when he made that BS "they could have saved him!" whine. Uh, no. Considering the medical care I assume they have in Middle Earth, saving someone who's had their lower half squished by a horse is not a possibility.

Then he made some crack about at least making him comfortable by rolling the horse off him. Again, no. Massive crushing trauma to the lower extremities like that would kill a person anyway. But leaving the horse in place would give him time to say his goodbyes. Lifting the horse off allows blood to flow to the wounds, letting him bleed out and die instantly. That was when I gave up trying to talk to him anymore.

Tattoos and ROTK

[seferin.livejournal.com]

*You want to have some fun? Tell your mother you're buying your brother a tattoo for his 18th birthday.*

Beats telling her you are getting him a Prince Albert.

*Well, yes, but she didn't get one, now, did she? God forbid she ended up a 65-year-old grandma with a tattoo on her ass.*

You have a tattoo on your ass? Details please. With visual aids if convenient.

;)

*Of course, if I knew one of my grandmas had a tattoo on her ass, it's entirely possible it's because I would have seen it and ohGodmyeyestheyburn.*

Heh, Heh, Heh.

*Why? Because if I weren't working there, Sofia would have had to come in today. Yes, she would have had to come into work with walking freaking pneumonia.*

I have to ask. Have you spiked his coffee with Ex-lax yet?

*(I will not laugh, I will not laugh ... "Kevin, that was Arwen. Eowyn was the other one.")*

And this man is smart enough to get promoted?

*"I'll tell you right now, it definitely wasn't as good as 'Return of the Jedi.'*

and what does this guy do for a living again?

Mailbox

[seferin.livejournal.com]

Any volunteers to help shove him into a woodchipper?

[lots42.livejournal.com]

??? So if he gets a tatoo he won't graduate high school?

[lots42.livejournal.com]

Yes, because those horses really did die. And the actor who plays Boromir isn't around anymore because they really did shoot him with arrows

[kkglinka.livejournal.com]

I'm sure he goes over the 70lb weight limit on parcels, but if I have to deliver him, I would just drop him out the side window beside the mailbox. In the sleet. Without a plastic bag over top.

[mayatawi.livejournal.com]

I'm confused about his whole "she goes into battle, putting everyone's lives in danger" schtick. It endangers everyone... how, exactly? 'Cause a chick can't fight and will need to be rescued? Did he not see her wielding those swords?

Then again, there's probably a lot of things he didn't see. "Reality" being one of the top five.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Ohmygod, your icon! *has no idea of the fandom, but adores all the same*

[mayatawi.livejournal.com]

Heehee! It's Sanzo, from Saiyuki. He's the worst Buddhist priest in the world-- smoking, drinking, beating people up, and then killing them (not to mention the inappropriate undergarments ::points::). He's also one of the holiest.

It's pretty damn funny.

[fyrdrakken]

My sister promised my mother not to get any more tattoos (after the first one, an ankh between her shoulder blades in pink and purple) until she turned eighteen. She did so the February of her senior year in high school but took a few months to save the money and get someone to draw the design she had in mind, so her second tattoo she got a week before graduating high school. (It's a guy in a straitjacket with hair like flames and bloody froth dripping from his mouth. Lauren says his name's Eddie and he bit off his tongue.) Now she also has a star on each hipbone.

I've still only got the one tatt (see icon) and I got it the week before I graduated college. Drew the design myself. Planning to get a sort of Celtic knotted dragon pattern with Tengwar lettering spelling "FyrDrakken" arcing around it on my right thigh when I visit Australia or NZ at some point. Might also like gripping beasts around one ankle.

My father says that getting a tattoo means you're "white trash forever." I suspect that by the time I'm his age, the stigma will be gone completely.