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Tonight's question to sleep on ...

Is irritable bowel syndrome the opposite of happy bowel syndrome?

*user pictures feather-boa-ed bowel dancing around the room singing "I Feel Pretty" and fearfully pushes away her Pepsi*

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Am watching the episode of "CSI" that spawned "CSI Miami". Ick. Gil Grissom and Horatio Caine need to get into a bitchslapfest, where Gil hands Horatio his head on a silver platter after carefully removing it from his ass. And he could do the whole thing in sign language. *user bounces up and down happily*

Yes, welcome to CBS, where all of our TV shows are "CSI"! (Except for "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter", which isn't CBS and which only looks liks it's "CSI", and only for this week.)

Um ... if you'll excuse me, I'll just be packing my stuff so that I can go to Hell for that last joke. Thank you for your patronage!

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According to Yahoo, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have broken up. Okay, you know what? I'll believe that when a.) she admits it, b.) he admits it, or c.) choirs of angels sent forth from the heavens arrive at the doorsteps of US Weekly, People, Entertainment Weekly, the Star, etc., and announce in booming voice and beaming smiles that they can all have their goddamn magazine covers back to themselves again.

Oh, and also ... *user snuggles Drew's Script-O-Rama* I can MST3K the "House of 1000 Corpses" script now! My little brother will be so pleased, especially considering the best compliment he could give it was that the popcorn was excellent.

Random thoughts ...

I think there should be a "Growing Pains" board game, if only so that I can melt the little plastic Leonardo DiCaprio before he takes film roles.

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You know what would make me watch "Big Brother"? A pinata. Hang the pinata, give the meanest guy a stick, put blindfolds on everybody, then spin everybody around as someone quietly takes down the pinata. I'd be bouncing around the living room squeaking, "Beating death! Beating death!"

And whoever loses gets to go home. Okay, to intensive care, but still ...

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Every time I watch a talk show with those extremely physically deformed kids, I get the feeling I'd be a horrible mother, if only because all I can think is, "Oh, man, am I too optimistic for that job."

Seriously. I'd always see the good side of it, you know? Like if I had a kid with two heads. I'd be thinking, that's so cool! Halloween alone would be worth it, and when they're really little, I can go all out before they know what's going on. First year, they can be testicles, the second year I'll tie a bra around their heads, put pink makeup on 'em, they can be breasts -- they'll love it!

Kid had three legs, I'd be thinking, Great! One less thing for me to do at summer picnics. "Three-legged race? Whoo. Finally, I can sit. No, Timmy's fine. Run, baby!"

And you know how so many babies are born every year with a tail? I would have so much fun with that! It'd give that airplane game an entirely new point of view! "Mommy, swing me!" "Okay, kiddo!" Of course, the only problem with that is, one day with clammy hands and the kid ends up two counties away. "Bobby! Flap your arms, baby! *sighs happily* I knew that webbing would come in handy eventually."

See what I mean?

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I think one of my favorite telemarketing calls I ever did was when I got a woman who told me she couldn't take the Visa I was shilling because she didn't believe in credit cards. I just kinda casually laughed and said, "Oh, I assure you, ma'am, they exist. I've seen them."

It took her a minute to figure out whether or not I was kidding. Hee. Good times.

A friend of mine once got into this conversation on the phone with someone. Woman on the other end of the line got pissed and asked, "Why are you being such an asshole?"

"Why are you?"

"Are you calling me an asshole?"

*dramatic pause* "Yes."

*user giggles* Sometimes telemarketing was more fun than it should have been.

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You know what would be funny? If the next time I get pulled over for speeding, and the cop comes up to my window and asks me if I know how fast I was going, I turn to him with my eyes closed and say, "No, silly, that would be cheating."

Two questions ...

1. Does anybody know where I can find WAV or MP3 files from the Extended Edition of LOTR, from that documentary where they talk to all of the actors about making the movie? I really, really want to turn on my computer with Dom's impression of John ordering dinner and close it with Christopher Lee reciting the inscription of the ring, and I can't find either file anywhere.

2. Anybody know what Half-Pops are, and if they're still selling in your grocery store? I got totally addicted to them last year even though they were four bucks a canister (nummy, nummy butter-flavored ... mmmm), and then all of a sudden, I couldn't find them anywhere. Talk about getting me pissy.

I thought I might be able to find them when I moved out of PA and to VA, but alas. Damn it.

ARGH.

How is it possible for everything to go wrong in one person's life, huh?

Seriously, I'm curious.

I could have sworn that occasionally, something good gets to happen to everyone. It's against the odds for anybody's life to be this fucked-up ALL the time.

Not that it's bad as some, but still. Even kids who get their legs blown off with land mines get to have good shit like parties and presents and visits from famous people eventually.

FUCK.

That is all.

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*user pounces on tree220 and snuggles like crazy*

Dude, a paid account? You realize, of course, that this means I'll be making icons instead of writing. Just remember this when you want more stories out of me and I'm too busy toying with pictures of Dom and Orly. ;P

And also, thank you!

*user flings nekkid Dariuses ... um, Darii ... um, nekkid monks at you*

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Hee. Now that I have a paid account, have gone icon crazy.

Also, listening to Johnny Cash singing "Hurt" if you're the least bit depressed = not the best idea on the planet.

Ooo ... hurricane now? *user looks hopeful, as she could use a little Theater of Destruction right now*

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Bush Defends Plan to Ease Pollution Rules

MONROE, Mich. - President Bush (news - web sites) defended his proposal to ease industrial pollution rules Monday, saying the regulations would fight dirty air while keeping electricity flowing and Americans working.

See, this is kind of like when you crack open a fortune cookie and you have to put "in bed" at the end, but here you crack open the news link and have to put "to breathe" at the end.

What my three current favorite TV shows have taught me.

What I've Learned from Watching "Monster House": The guy with the most tattoos, longest hair, most piercings, and/or freakiest wardrobe is inevitably the hardest worker in the lot.

That, and always trust a guy named Smiley Barnacle to come through for you in the end.

What I've Learned from Watching "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy": I don't turn the guys I have crushes on into gay guys. They start out that way and I'm just too dense to figure it out. Straight guys don't have two-hour long conversations about the penis size of comic book superheroes with teenage girls. Just how it goes, man.

What I've Learned from Watching "Jake 2.0": Cute nerds with superpowers will inevitably be too skinny for me to take up residence in their pants while they're wearing them, but damn it, that doesn't stop me from wanting it a whole heck of a lot.