Ironically, "No Air" is currently playing on my MP3 player.

[apocalypsos]

The phone conversation went something like this:

Dad: Are you coming up to see your grandparents?
Me: I'd love to, but I have no car and I'm still mad at Mom.
Dad: Hey, you were the one who cursed at your mother.
Me: Because she told me to quit my whining and crying when I was upset! Jesus, Dad, I'm really fucking sick of her treating me like shit every time I get upset, goddamn it.
Dad: ... fine, whatever. Are you coming up or not?
Me: I HAVE NO CAR. After she left me there, I had to call Uncle Richie and we got the car to his house.
Dad: That doesn't mean you can't come up here.
Me: I need a ride.
Dad: It's four blocks away. If you can't summon up the energy to walk up here, then ...
Me: *gets frustrated and hangs up*

So I started fucking walking to my parents' house.

Let me explain something. My hometown is on a hill. It's a steep incline from here on Main Street to my parents' house at the top of the hill, maybe fifty or sixty degrees depending on which path you take. It is not for anybody over a certain age or people who don't do it that often. And it's seven blocks from here to my parents' house. They're ALL uphill, and I'm not really fit right now, and it's eighty degrees out.

By the time I got to their house, I was seriously hyperventilating.

I stumbled past everybody into the kitchen where my brother was and could not catch my breath to save my life. My brother had no clue what to do, so he went to the bathroom. (... as you do.) Five minutes later, after I'd collapsed to the floor because I didn't have the energy to stand anymore, after NO ONE had come to check on me, I crawled over to the bathroom door and banged on it.

My brother came back out again and helped me up, at which point I stumbled into the living room. I still can't breathe. I was lying there for ten fucking minutes -- during which both of my parents went in and out of the kitchen for shit -- heavily hyperventilating before my grandmother came in and said, "Jennifer, are you okay?"

"No, I'm not," I'm sobbing between breaths, and she took my pulse and said my heart was going fast but nothing too serious, and I *still* can't breathe, and my parents STILL had better things to do.

Then my grandma went to the bathroom, and I stumbled up into Bryan's room and lie on his bed for twenty minutes or so STILL hyperventilating. By the time I could breathe again, I was fucking LIVID. I got my MP3 player, which I'd dropped onto the nearest table upon arriving and which had been deposited in the kitchen sometime while I COULDN'T FUCKING BREATHE, walked out onto the porch, gave my grandmother a kiss and said, "Thank you for checking on me. I'm going to go now," then left to walk down the hill, which is obviously a lot easier to handle even though I managed to stifle my lightheadedness with volcanic rage.

... I'm pretty sure I heard my mom and dad tell everybody at the party I was doing it for attention.

Comments

[marag.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a panic attack to me. You've certainly got enough shit going on to cause it, and the situation of being dragged there by guilt is a classic cause.

::hugs:: I'm so sorry they're not taking care of you :(

[kimberlyfdr.livejournal.com]

That's a whole lot of suck right there :(

[vampirespider.livejournal.com]

I realize you don't know me from Adam, but I just want you to know that I hope your parents pull themselves together & that I hope life lets up on you soon. You deserve a break.

[allthelivesofme.livejournal.com]

What passive-aggressive BS. :-( I'm sorry.

[free-reverie.livejournal.com]

Sweet Jesus. :( Please lie down and relax/rest... and I'll mentally send a butt-kicking for the 'rents.

[medie]

*HEADDESK*

I second the panic attack. It sounds like one and given everything going on, OMG no wonder. *headdesks more*

[florahart]

I agree with marag. I don't do panic attacks in general just by nature (this isn't an indictment of people who have lots of them; I'm just not the personality type that tends that way), but last year,with a known and potent trigger--like, it's never caused this kind of response before, but it was sprung on me? I had what in retrospect was very certainly one and:

1. not that fun
2. really, really not that fun
3. also not so much something you can just stop doing--I mean, there are learnable techniques for self-calming if you realize you're going in a bad direction, but once underway, it's NOT a little thing to just stoppit.

oh also? I'm asthmatic and have 25 years of experience with understanding how much I'm not breathing well, so it's not like I don't know what to do about can't-breathe situations where, okay, I can't make the thing causing the attack go away, but I do know very well how to minimize my body's own unhelpful behaviors, right? and none of the usual approaches were much help at all in the panic situation.

Anyway, yes, I agree: panic attack brought on by stress, guilt, and fury, added to a piece of physical exertion that didn't help.

For future reference, the things that helped (me) with the breathing were to focus only on exhaling--one of the things that happens in asthma attacks and also hyperventilation is the lungs sending signals about not getting enough air, and the body trying to respond by continuing to inhale which doesn't actually work if you don't EXhale and then you get lighteaded and less oxygenated and more panicky and...--and purposefully think about anything other than the situation causing the panic attack, which is of course completely difficult, but even if you can manage it for little bits of time, it helps.

[dmlpacker.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[callmesyd.livejournal.com]

What the fuck is wrong with your parents.

*hugs*

[catystorm.livejournal.com]

Man, this makes me want to drive all the way up to where you are and kick everyone's ass for you. God, the "doing it for attention" line pisses me right the hell off on your behalf like you wouldn't believe, because they probably would have said the exact same thing if you hadn't taken the bait to show up.

[denorios.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, because everyone just loves to starve themselves of oxygen for attention. Hell, it's my party piece!

*headdesk*

I'm sorry, sweetie. *hugs*

[cmattg.livejournal.com]

*Facepalm*

Seriously, I just...*waves hands*

Lemme put it this way: You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this.
Really.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

Me, personally, I would have punched everyone but Grandma and disowned all of them legally.

[agent-mimi.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. Anger depletes any amount of physical stamina I might have had otherwise, so I know exactly how you feel. It's not like you've gotten a lot of sleep lately, either.

Since I've read your journal for years and have never heard of you doing ANYTHING even remotely like this before, it's obvious you didn't do this for attention.

[escritoireazul.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry your family is being shitty right now. I hope life gets better for you soon.

[anonymous_sibyl]

You know, for whatever reason it was happening (exertion, asthma, panic attack, heatstroke), not being able to breathe properly is dangerous. I cannot believe almost everyone ignored that.

Oh, hon. Honestly. I hope you are able to relax for the rest of the weekend because you sure as hell need to.

[purple-smurf.livejournal.com]

No words, just internet hugs (which aren't terribly helpful, but there's another person reading this and thinking "the hell?!"). ::HUGS::

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

Said well.

Sorry, Jennifer. You deserve better treatment than this.

[isabeau.livejournal.com]

*offers hugs*

[brihana25.livejournal.com]

Just another person dropping by with the hugs that you so definitely need right now. (I wish they could be real ones, though.)

I think it's probably for the best that you got yourself out of there as soon as you could, because it really doesn't sound like it was good for you to be there at all.

[elbiesee.livejournal.com]

I agree with the panic attack prognosis (she said with the voice of experience). That and parents that need a good shaking.

*hugs*

[reneekytokorpi.livejournal.com]

Because you totally spend all your time trying to attract attention. /sarcasm

I see (through the internet) that you are super stressed out and overwhelmed. Nothing says to me that you're acting out for attention. :C I'm sorry that they were insensitive. Breathing issues are a big deal!

[wolfshark]

*hugs you hard* I wish I could shake your parents!

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

*HUG*

[paradisacorbasi.livejournal.com]

From experience, that was almost certainly a panic attack.

Your Grandmother, she rocks.

Your parents, however, do the opposite of rocking.

You could've passed out on the floor and maybe then they would've noticed, and that is all 31 flavors of wrong.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

I know that hill. San Francisco itself has nothing steeper.

Your parents are, shall we say, unsupportive right now.

[othercat.livejournal.com]

I think you should not have gone in the first place, if doing so made you not able to breathe. Breathing is kind of important.

[silveraspen]

I'm so sorry. Oh man.

[akamarykate.livejournal.com]

...
...wow, I wish I had words for this, it all sucks terribly, and I know I'm late reading and responding, but...*hugs* from a stranger, if they'll help.

[kijikun.livejournal.com]

Fuck. *HUGS* I can't believe they treated you like that.

[laughingrat.livejournal.com]

Jesus Christ, your family (with the exception of your gran, obviously) behaved like fucking assholes. Pardon my swearing. It's not okay for your family to think that you don't have the right to take up "space" with basic emotions and needs, and it's not okay for them to treat you dismissively. I'm sorry they behaved that way to you.

[bubblesbrnaid]

Oh, geez. That--well, that's MY family level of fucked-up. I'm so sorry you had to put up with that shit.

[catchmyfancy.livejournal.com]

I'll go with panic attack (or rage attack or just Overwhelmed And Your Body Went Splung Attack).

Another asthmatic suggested that you try to normalise your breathing if this happens again, and I agree with her. That's where the cliche of someone hyperventilating being given a paper bag to breathe through comes from.

You may find the paper bag thing a little restrictive, but even putting your hand cupped loosely (space showing between your fingers) over your nose and mouth may help with equalising your breathing and getting it normalised (my old trick was to breathe in and out through my inhaler). The important thing is that you can be calm and breathe.....

[fyrdrakken]

Christ. Yow. Very unhelpful family you've got there, and I wish you hadn't shown up and am glad you turned around and left as soon as you could. Probably snubbing them all for a while is going to be somewhat therapeutic (though not so much as if they'd actually help when you need it).

[cissa.livejournal.com]

My sympathies.

I went through something similar with my parents; I'd OD'd, and told them about it... and they waited over 12 hours to take me to the hospital, after it was clear that I wasn't going to croak. I can only assume they were hoping I'd die. I'm sure they rationalized it, though.

[budclare.livejournal.com]

They were probably hoping you'd Learn Your Lesson, because that's what assholes tend to do.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

Under the circumstances, I don't think that was what they were thinking. I'm not going to go into the details in a public place, but if they had taken me in promptly, stuff would have come out that they were very invested in keeping secret. By waiting till it was clear I wasn't going to die- though I came close- then taking me in, they covered their asses; that's the only reason they bothered. I mean- if it was clear I wasn't going to die, why take me in at all? unless it was for ass-covering.

And it only sort of worked; yeah, nothing came out then, but the whole situation exploded anyway because I'd fucked up the dynamics. So that's something.

They were a pair of very, very sick people.

[budclare.livejournal.com]

O_o

Congratulations on surviving them and condolences on getting stuck with them in the first place.

[budclare.livejournal.com]

Hilariously, I bet your parents just said that you were doing it for the attention so they would get attention. Just think how much sympathy they must have gotten heaped on them, being saddled with such an awful drama queen (because obviously everything that's wrong with your life is just in your head O_o).

Family = fail. *hugs*