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apocalypsosI've been thinking lately about the whole depression thing and where I currently stand.
The problem with the whole depression thing is that it makes me feel guilty whenever I think about it. I feel like I need a doctor to actually say, "Yes, you have depression," or else I don't actually HAVE it and therefore I'm wrong and I should feel wrong for even saying that the way I feel -- as in, constantly upset right under the surface -- is not normal. I've gone to a doctor just once to say, "I think I have depression and need medication," and it didn't go anywhere.
The best thing to come out of getting the new car is that the last one was a HUGE stress in my life. A car is not a luxury around here, it's a necessity. If I want to get to work, I need a car. So when the car breaks down the way the Neon did for the last six months I had it, it was just me taking hit after hit to my emotions until I was literally welling with tears every time I looked at the Neon. Thinking I had no other way to get a new car was just making it worse. It was sort of an intersection between two of the biggest stresses in my life -- finances and the car -- and it was upsetting me so freaking much. So getting Princess Eeyore was a HUGE uptick.
All of that said, the situation with the car may have gotten better, but the job situation is not the best right now. Wegmans is fine. My boss likes me a LOT, I like the section they've got me in, my co-workers are nice. It's the day job that's upsetting me. (I keep using that word, "upsetting," but it's apt for me anyway.) I've spent the past few weeks mostly on the phones. I hate being on the phones. People don't call into an insurance plan to compliment you. They call in because they have problems, and if you're really lucky they remember you're not the decision-maker who screwed up and they're nice to you. It's a big "if" depending on how you can work it. Normally I can work it so that people treat me nicely because I do tend to have a sweet friendly helpful phone voice. I get a lot of "You sound just like my granddaughter!". But the last couple of weeks I've had a few calls that make me want to reach through the phone and shake someone, and last week I had a guy call in who made me swear off taking any calls for the rest of the day. I've never had anyone treat me like that, not even when I was telemarketing. And I'm sick and tired of being in a position for people to verbally kick me over the phone. I enjoy the data entry part of the job, but the phone part is ... let's just say it's not helping.
The writing thing is ... kind of in stasis? Nothing's happening -- no writing, no editing, no matter how hard I try -- and it worries me when I'm not doing something. Which just results in more stress.
I keep trying to offset it in little ways, which lately has been translating to avoiding the anonymeme -- not that I went there that often anyway -- and eating whatever I want. I've never been a big fan of the anonymeme, but if someone else wants to post there I'm certainly not going to stop them. I guess I just don't get it. But every once in a while, I'll search for my username on LJ just to see if I'm missing anything. The anonymeme's popped up once or twice. I don't know why I've checked when my name has come up over there. People are more than free to critique me anonymously over there if they want, God knows. I just know that I'm not in the right place mentally lately to read some of the things that can come out of the anonymeme. It's not even just stuff about me that upsets me anymore. Sometimes it's stuff about people I've friended. Sometimes it's stuff about people I don't even know. I'd guess the anonymeme's probably 80% viable opinions and 20% people being douchebags, and the people being douchebags depress me far more than they should sometimes.
And the eating whatever I want ... I really need to stop doing that. I want a bacon double cheeseburger stuffed pizza? Sure, why not? I want to have boneless spare ribs from the Chinese restaurant for the third time this week? Oh, okay! I want to drink solely Pepsi because it's the one thing I'm always in the mood for? All righty! I haven't genuinely bought groceries in weeks, because between the two jobs I wouldn't have the time to eat them anyway and they'd go bad. So I'm turning around and spending the money I normally spend on groceries on Burger King and Chinese food and candy. And then I get upset because I'm out of shape and need to lose something like thirty pounds. My mom gave me her bike because she's not allowed to ride it anymore per her doctor, but I'm still a big cliche who eats a bunch of junk to feel better.
Basically, I need to start in on St. John's wort again, it's just a matter of a.) remembering to get some, and b.) remembering to take it. Which is something I'm terrible at.
The problem with the whole depression thing is that it makes me feel guilty whenever I think about it. I feel like I need a doctor to actually say, "Yes, you have depression," or else I don't actually HAVE it and therefore I'm wrong and I should feel wrong for even saying that the way I feel -- as in, constantly upset right under the surface -- is not normal. I've gone to a doctor just once to say, "I think I have depression and need medication," and it didn't go anywhere.
The best thing to come out of getting the new car is that the last one was a HUGE stress in my life. A car is not a luxury around here, it's a necessity. If I want to get to work, I need a car. So when the car breaks down the way the Neon did for the last six months I had it, it was just me taking hit after hit to my emotions until I was literally welling with tears every time I looked at the Neon. Thinking I had no other way to get a new car was just making it worse. It was sort of an intersection between two of the biggest stresses in my life -- finances and the car -- and it was upsetting me so freaking much. So getting Princess Eeyore was a HUGE uptick.
All of that said, the situation with the car may have gotten better, but the job situation is not the best right now. Wegmans is fine. My boss likes me a LOT, I like the section they've got me in, my co-workers are nice. It's the day job that's upsetting me. (I keep using that word, "upsetting," but it's apt for me anyway.) I've spent the past few weeks mostly on the phones. I hate being on the phones. People don't call into an insurance plan to compliment you. They call in because they have problems, and if you're really lucky they remember you're not the decision-maker who screwed up and they're nice to you. It's a big "if" depending on how you can work it. Normally I can work it so that people treat me nicely because I do tend to have a sweet friendly helpful phone voice. I get a lot of "You sound just like my granddaughter!". But the last couple of weeks I've had a few calls that make me want to reach through the phone and shake someone, and last week I had a guy call in who made me swear off taking any calls for the rest of the day. I've never had anyone treat me like that, not even when I was telemarketing. And I'm sick and tired of being in a position for people to verbally kick me over the phone. I enjoy the data entry part of the job, but the phone part is ... let's just say it's not helping.
The writing thing is ... kind of in stasis? Nothing's happening -- no writing, no editing, no matter how hard I try -- and it worries me when I'm not doing something. Which just results in more stress.
I keep trying to offset it in little ways, which lately has been translating to avoiding the anonymeme -- not that I went there that often anyway -- and eating whatever I want. I've never been a big fan of the anonymeme, but if someone else wants to post there I'm certainly not going to stop them. I guess I just don't get it. But every once in a while, I'll search for my username on LJ just to see if I'm missing anything. The anonymeme's popped up once or twice. I don't know why I've checked when my name has come up over there. People are more than free to critique me anonymously over there if they want, God knows. I just know that I'm not in the right place mentally lately to read some of the things that can come out of the anonymeme. It's not even just stuff about me that upsets me anymore. Sometimes it's stuff about people I've friended. Sometimes it's stuff about people I don't even know. I'd guess the anonymeme's probably 80% viable opinions and 20% people being douchebags, and the people being douchebags depress me far more than they should sometimes.
And the eating whatever I want ... I really need to stop doing that. I want a bacon double cheeseburger stuffed pizza? Sure, why not? I want to have boneless spare ribs from the Chinese restaurant for the third time this week? Oh, okay! I want to drink solely Pepsi because it's the one thing I'm always in the mood for? All righty! I haven't genuinely bought groceries in weeks, because between the two jobs I wouldn't have the time to eat them anyway and they'd go bad. So I'm turning around and spending the money I normally spend on groceries on Burger King and Chinese food and candy. And then I get upset because I'm out of shape and need to lose something like thirty pounds. My mom gave me her bike because she's not allowed to ride it anymore per her doctor, but I'm still a big cliche who eats a bunch of junk to feel better.
Basically, I need to start in on St. John's wort again, it's just a matter of a.) remembering to get some, and b.) remembering to take it. Which is something I'm terrible at.
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no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 12:14 am (UTC)As to needing a doctor to tell you, okay, but then there's this: as far as I can tell, the medical community doesn't know its ass from its elbow on the issue of mood disorders of any kind. They just guess, often wildly, until either something helps or the patient stops complaining. Sometimes luck happens and the dx and the rx match on one of the first few tries, but from how often it seems like either someone with no real depression symptoms is offered drugs for depression, or the guessing is a years-long endeavor, I just figure if the doctor doesn't think you are depressed, eh, maybe you're not but also maybe the medical community at large sucks at coping with this issue in general.
I think the anonymeme(s) is more like 80-20 the other way, most of the time when I look. Mostly I don't look, because it will just make me wonder how humanity is supposed to survive the next five minutes if it's this full of bullshit, and I feel that wondering feeling often enough in dealing with the subset of my colleagues that makes me think application of nailgun is possibly the best approach.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 12:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 12:18 am (UTC)I find it hilarious that every time I tell someone the last car was a Neon, they're all, "... oh, that explains it."
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 12:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 12:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 05:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 01:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 01:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 01:48 am (UTC)The main reason why I probably won't get another Neon, at this point, is the damned low clearance on the front end.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 01:57 am (UTC)My rear passenger-side wheel kept locking up over and over again, too, although that may have just been my stupid car, not a Neon thing.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-14 10:13 am (UTC)But he's been a good little car for me so far. I haven't really regretted choosing him over the Vibe (it was black. In Arizona. Honestly.) or over the car where the directional baffles on one of the vents fell off, after I told the salesman that I didn't like the feel of the engine at idle speed, running rough and if it were a manual, like it was about to stall, and he said everything was just fine. That one was an honest little car with a great sense of snark and comedic timing, and if I hadn't felt it was going to be a money sink, I'd have got it for that.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 04:38 am (UTC)I tried that once! I think it was me being typically understated. Or just that doctor's weird aversion to prescribing things. So I continued to plod along. Until June, when I ran out of cope and called the employee assistance hotline we have for mental health crap.
I think I was still expecting to be dismissed until the therapist actually started talking to me about medication this week. Seriously.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 05:14 am (UTC)I get that you want medication for this, and for that, yeah, you need a diagnosis, but if you can try to remember (not easy when you're depressed, trust me I know) that you know your body and your mind and your moods and feelings better than any other person on the planet. And if you believe you're depressed - what you're describing sounds like some warning signs to me - then you are noticing a distinct change between who you normally are and who you are now, and that matters. It sucks that the person you went to before didn't take you seriously.
I hope you get off the phones soon, and that you get the medical help you want, because it sounds like pretty much everything you like is pretty hard right now, and oddly that never helps get anyone out of a depression.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 11:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 03:35 pm (UTC)After 20-odd years of going through bouts and feeling like medication was a crutch, I've finally learned that when the depression starts up I need to do something about it. When I'm 'normal', I can see just how not-me it is, but when I'm going through it it seems natural... like I've brought on all my problems myself, so of course I'm depressed. In my case, it took actual suicidal thoughts for me to wake up and say "Wait... this isn't me". My thought process was always that I should fix all the crap in my life and if things were perfect and I was still depressed then maybe I had a medical issue. Luckily, I was finally able to break out of that frame of mind and to get some help.
I'd also suggest looking into councelling. Back when I was in a bad financial position, my doctor was able to refer me to a clinic that charged based on income. I think my first couple sessions cost me about ten bucks and they were very helpful (Even though it took me months to talk myself into actually seeing someone).
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 04:32 pm (UTC)