Much like my Passion of the Christ review, here there be spoilers ...

[apocalypsos]

Van Helsing

So, enlighten us. What is the plot of this truly intriguing film?

I'm sorry, I just went hysterically deaf for a second. I could have sworn you asked me if Van Helsing had a plot.

I did.

Really? You mean, like, in a serious tone of voice?

Yes, seriously.

Oh. Well, Van Helsing wears a lot of black leather. Ooo, and Kate Beckinsale's character totally knows where all the good Gypsy dominatrix stores in Transylvania are.

That's not a plot!

It's better than the plot of Battlefield Earth.

... okay, you have a point.

But, come on. What was the story?

Van Helsing fights for good. And Dracula wants to make demon babies, so Van Helsing goes to stop him, because thousands of tiny vampires with that accent would be truly evil.

Oh, really? How bad were the accents?

Not bad at all. Really. I'm sure Kate Beckinsale and Richard Roxburgh must have watched hours upon hours of Sesame Street to get their accents right. And as an added bonus, they can count now, too.

How hard did you have to restrain yourself from yelling, 'Call Boris Karloff a cocksucker' when Dracula was talking?

Imagine how much restraint it would take you, then double it.

So, who are the characters?

Well, let's see ...

Gabriel Van Helsing ... He fights for good, and he's so much prettier than you'll ever be. Has much nicer hair than you, too. He's immortal, too. So, do you hate him yet?

Carl ... Van Helsing's snarky sidekick and the closest thing you'll find to James Bond's Q on this side of the turn of the century. Is a friar and not a monk, which is apparently the difference between devout religious worker and hedonistic dork.

Dracula ... Pale, strangely-voiced bloodsucker with long dark hair, a weird militaristic coat, crazy followers, deviant sexual practices, children of mysterious conception and the suggestion he'd throw loved ones off balconies. Played by Richard Roxburgh, but from that description, could easily have been a documentary about Michael Jackson.

Anna ... Kinda like Buffy Summers, if Buffy traded in any wit and snark she might have for a bitchin' corset and fuck-me-everybody! black boots.

Velkan ... He's the wolfman, and he's hot. I mean, like, distractingly hot. He's also Anna's brother, which means someone needs to call the Fairness Police and tell them some gene pool is hoggin' all the pretty.

Frankenstein's monster ... Hiz hed iz pastede on yay!

No, really.

So what's Transylvania like?

It's lovely! With eternal winter and poverty everywhere and supernatural creatures all over the bloody place, and, uh ...

Did I mention they have their own Riff Raff? It made me hope and pray the Transylvanians would spontaneously break out in the Time Warp, but I did get Hugh shirtless so I guess I used up all my wishes today.

So, how's the dialogue?

Well, Carl says some things that are funny, but if it were anyone but David Wenham playing that role, I'd worry. Also, Dracula has some very funny lines, including my personal favorite, "I am hollow!"

You just thought that line was funny because you wanted to ask what happened to his chewy caramel center, didn't you?

Ah, you know me so well.

Okay, what are vampires like?

Very cool ... or, you know, not. Their jaws unhinge all funny, and one of Dracula's vampire brides totally wanders around in a genie costume, presumably so she can eat anyone who gives her any shit about it. I presume Barbara Eden goes through more personal assistants like that. *nods solemnly*

Also, vampires can defy gravity. You'd think that considering the amount of floor space Drac's got, they'd have plenty of room to stroll around, but Dracula and his screechy brides do a lot of wandering on the ceiling.

Oh, my God! Does that mean Lionel Ritchie is a vampire?!

No, but it would certainly explain Nicole Ritchie, wouldn't it?

So, wait a minute. Why is Frankenstein's monster in this?

Dracula's wives want cuddly widdle demon babies, but they need Frankenstein's monster to do it. (Don't ask why, the same way you shouldn't ask why Dracula didn't turn Frankenstein into a minion or a vamp or whatever and get him to do all the work for him instead of killin' him and trying to use the monster as a battery. But what the hell do I know? I've actually written fiction before.)

Baby vampires?

Yeah. Baby fuckin' vampires. Which is why the monster ... because vampire babies are born dead. Now, let's all wave goodbye to the Good Ship Logic. Adios! Bon voyage! Don't forget to write!

Hey, didn't you make a crack about a dead mommy and a dead daddy making dead babies in I'd Kiss You But I Just Washed My Hair?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Well, aren't you going to complain?

Yes, but not about that.

So how do vampires make babies?

One day, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much, they take off all their clothes and lie very close together and, uh, yodel and play checkers and stuff, until the mommy vampire ... hell, I don't know, releases spores or something into a lime Jello mold.

Oh, that is not how they make baby vampires.

Hey, that's what looked like.

What do baby vampires look like?

Like albino Gremlins on speed.

Aw! That's so cute.

Dude, maybe you're on drugs.

So, what happened to the baby vampires?

Oh, they exploded.

But ... but ... but they were just babies!

Yeah, but they were filled with lime Jello, and I don't know about you, but if I have to choose between lime Jello and baby vampires, um ... I think I might be in the wrong restaurant, actually.

So, um, what's Van Helsing's schtick? I mean, with his past and --

Don't ask.

Okay, well, let me ask you this. How is it that Dracula kept his werewolf antidote in a glass bottle filled with acid that ate through iron when Anna threw some at a metal gate but didn't eat through the glass bottle or the syringe of antidote?

I said, don't ask.

Where do a werewolf's pants go when he shapeshifts?

Hey! What did I just tell you?

All right, fine. So at least tell us if it was any good.

Did I mention the bit where Hugh ripped off his shirt?

TP!

All right, all right! I'll admit it. I thought it sucked. I mean, like, really sucked. I'm pretty sure that if I had touched the screen at any point during the movie, I'd have a hickey on my palm.

But everybody I know told me it wasn't bad, just cheesy!

It was cheesy. Jeez, my hair stills smells like Velveeta.

So, you hated it, then.

Oh, no. I save my hate for festering wounds on the fabric of filmdom like House of 1000 Corpses and From Justin to Kelly.

Did you learn anything else today at the movie theater?

Well, after spotting a "New York Minute" poster in the lobby, if Mary-Kate and Ashley really want to be referred to as the Olsen sisters instead of the Olsen twins, it might help if they, you know, got different haircuts and stopped dressing vaguely alike and got new jobs and proved they had separate personalities and stopped standing next to each other all the fucking time. Just a thought.

Comments

[ficangel.livejournal.com]

*whispers* Carl was Faramir, not Boromir...

But yeah. Not a great movie. Though Velkan needed to live through it so he could wander around in non-existent briefs some more and have strange chemistry with Dracula.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Oops. My bad. I knew that, too, I just wote it 'cause the movie fried my brain.

[ishtar79.livejournal.com]

Valid points on the suckiness of the film and all (or so I've heard from nearly everybody on my flist), but my brain just stopped at the words 'Hugh' and 'shirtless'.

So I'm gonna watch it. Sod logic and plot, I want me some Eye Candy!

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Also, YES. Velkan was the yum. Mmmm.

[eccentrici.livejournal.com]

Your review is far more entertaining the the movie could ever hope to be!

[jacinthsong.livejournal.com]

How hard did you have to restrain yourself from yelling, 'Call Boris Karloff a cocksucker' when Dracula was talking?
*sneeerk*

The sheer volume of snark filling my flist is almost making me want to see it after all.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

i wanted to say that too, but then i thought it might have been intentional sarcasm? *reads sentence again* well, she can claim it was meant to be.

what about beast-slash then, wolfie + vampyre had a hot scene in the end!

[ficangel.livejournal.com]

'S okay. I didn't realize it until I saw some other people discussing it in a Van Helsing community (for I am dork, hear me snark), and even then I had several, "Ben is Glory? What?" moments until it clicked.

[backfromspace.livejournal.com]

I think the best part was the Lion King reference at the end.

"Van Helsing, remember who you aaare!"

[runcible.livejournal.com]

How hard did you have to restrain yourself from yelling, 'Call Boris Karloff a cocksucker' when Dracula was talking?

::Chokes on her chocolate milk::

[miggy.livejournal.com]

Snerk.

But hey! Leave From Justin to Kelly alone! When you've got that, Grease 2, Xanadu, a snarky friend, and a bag of pixy stix and some liquor all in the same room?

Good times.

GOOD. TIMES.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

By that reasoning, I should probably leave House of 1000 Corpses alone, too. If my brother and I got some liquor and pixie stix and watched that, we'd be on the floor in about five minutes in hysterical giggles.

[cmpriest.livejournal.com]

no. no. leave HO1000C out of this.
that movie was so bad as to defy discussion.
VH too was bad, but remember your mantra: Hugh with no shirt.
beats the hell out of Rob's wife with assless chaps.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Yes, House of 1000 Corpses was bad, but luckily it was bad in a MST3k-able way. My brother and I went to see it in the theater totally planning on yelling stuff at the screen, and the only reason we didn't was because some parent of the year brought his six-year-old with him. *eye roll*

[ladyortyger.livejournal.com]

Has anybody metaquoted this yet? It is worthy.. Oh so worthy *worships at trollprincess' feet*

[ficangel.livejournal.com]

Dracula is sex. Hugh Jackman is sex. Put them together and every woman in the theater moaned at the exact same time.

Though the Velkan/Dracula killed me dead, as well. Theirlovelustfaintlysexyhatredissomoulderinginagravesomewhere.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Admittedly, it was cheesy, and it did suck, but it sucked amusingly. It was probably worth a matinee, but if the only upside had been Hugh Jackman stripping ... well, that's why I bought the fancy-schmancy X-Men/X2 collection.

[qnotku.livejournal.com]

Well, you did seem pre-disposed not to like it because of what you'd read online before you went, so I'm not really surprised by this review. But since I love Hugh Jackman and I think I'll groove the hot guy playing the werewolf -- I know I'll be going to see this anyway. It's got to beat Sea Bicuit, hands down.


T

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

I was trying to give it a chance, I swear. It was just all these stupid plot points that came out of nowhere and/or went nowhere, and jumps in logic, and crappy logic, and gaaaah.

But yes, Hugh pretty. Will Kemp pretty. Hell, David Wenham pretty.

[robyn-ma.livejournal.com]

omg, that movie sucked so much, it sucked something else that was sucking. that movie didn't just suck, it was 69ing.

[gramaraye.livejournal.com]

i keep seeing you metaquoted, for good reason. this review is hysterical. but i'm still going to go see Van Helsing. and i'm friending you... for teh funny.

*out of no where comment*

[avator.livejournal.com]

woa.. I said the exact same thing in the theater o.O

[ckccfa.livejournal.com]

Actually, if you started watching the movie as if they were making fun of themselves the whole time, it got much better. At least, that saved my sanity. Oh, and I so thought that Frankenstein's Monster was going to start singing whenever he screamed. Monster Musical moments. I also noted the creepy graveyard guy/Riff Raff connection. I was thinking...if he had just jumped to the left...or stepped to the right, then the Wolfman wouldn't have taken him out...

[cleobourne.livejournal.com]

I could run with that...but I wont. Because we all know where that would go.

[georgiamagnolia.livejournal.com]

I am still wondering why Stephen Sommers did so well with The Mummy and so, well, NOT on VanHelsing.

Could it be partly because there was more chemistry between the Sister/Brother set than the Vampire Killer Girl/Outlaw Josey Highwayman? I thought I had imagined this until a friend who was with me at the movie agreed with me. (incestpr0n is about to be born, just as soon as she gets it onto paper)

And I do want one of those vampire babies on suction cups in the back window of my car.

I loved the nihilisticish Vampire, 'cause I'm sick and wrong that way. But I miss Peter Boyle's Frankenstein monster.

And Hugh Jackman does Outlaw Josey Highwayman, yum. oh my yum.

But yeah, your review nails this movie to the wall.

Go You! (as usual) (much smiley)

[fernwithy.livejournal.com]

"Sucked amusingly" is about where I am. I laughed a lot.

[ladysorka]

I still think it would've been a much better film if Riff Raff and the Oompa Loompas had a couple of musical numbers. Would've added something.

TP Dahling...

[1st-folio.livejournal.com]

I just love you.

Tiff and I just saw this tonight, and oh my gosh, did you hit it, hard. I can't wait to show this to her.

My husband and son saw it the day before--Kel fell asleep.

Called my co-worker Allan (my lil bro) and first thing he said when he answered was 'that movie fucking SUCKED!' Didn't even say "hello" first. He and my other co-worker very nearly left in the middle to go drown their hysteria in mugs of beer.

And yes, Faramir makes a cute Q.

Tiff and I predicted the plot all the way through--though we did laugh at parts no one else did. Just because it was so CHEESY...

Hmm, liked the soundtrack well enough...might be fun to write to.

Are you going to Dragon*Con? I get to whee!! Rooming with Pammie!

C

[1st-folio.livejournal.com]

Hugh's chest is lovely...

*pets*

C

[spiritof1976.livejournal.com]

Me too. Keep teh funny coming.

How hard did you have to restrain yourself from yelling, 'Call Boris Karloff a cocksucker' when Dracula was talking?


*sniggers*

posted this once before, where´d it go?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

yesssssssssss.
richard and hugh. aussie´s can be sexy together. although they wore too much clothing.
i spent most of the movie (and writing my own review) going "take off your bloody long coats"!


weeeell. will kemp is just no actor - i would love to see him in ballet, though, i believe he´s good. and he would not wear much there either ...

[painispretty.livejournal.com]

You let that stop you? You have so much more restraint than me! foreverdirt and I watched Ice Age at a matinee showing and were unable to stop ourselves from commenting on the so-clearly-text relationship between Manny and Diego. Of course, when I say "commenting" I mean "ear-splitting shrieks".

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Oh, we didn't yell out our snark, but we definitely still did some. Like in the beginning of the movie, when the "victims" showed up at a gas station with the sign "Fried Chicken and Gas," I leaned over to my brother and said, "And be sure to come on Thursday, when our special is mashed potatos drenched in motor oil!"

Then later on, when they were driving past a bunch of people crucified and wearing papier mache heads, Bryan said to me, "Look, it's here bobbleheads go to die!"

I can't remember too much more of what we said, but I do know we wre laughing hysterically by the end of it.

[painispretty.livejournal.com]

I made a very terrifying discovery the other week - my usual urge to make snarky comments ALL THE WAY THROUGH films becomes utterly uncontrollable when added to certain illegal substances.

Much as I think showing X2 at Slimelight was a fun idea, ecstasy and movies DO NOT MIX. EVER EVER. *facepalm*

[schtroumph-c.livejournal.com]

Dilemma here...

Sound like a bad film if I search a good story, but a good if I want laugh.

Do you think it's like Charlie's Angels ? Because every one said it sucked, and I found it hilarious. Like a parody!

van helsing review

[julietlaw.livejournal.com]

Stopped by your LJ via voleuse and there is one thing I must say: your review is worth, like, 10 times the movie. *bwahah* Brilliant, really. *g*

[1st-folio.livejournal.com]

Completely agree re: the brother/sister.

C, shaking head, printing this off so daughter can read on way to torment session with the MIL :0

[wenchamok.livejournal.com]

So, how's the dialogue?

Well, Carl says some things that are funny, but if it were anyone but David Wenham playing that role, I'd worry. Also, Dracula has some very funny lines, including my personal favorite, "I am hollow!"

Did you catch Van Helsing's line about how he likes most monsters? Roasted well done or something? (My brain has shut down....*sigh*)

Can I please have Hugh for Christmas? Pretty please? *puppy dog eyes*

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Only if I can have Will Kemp. Mmm, tasty lycanthropic goodness ...

Yeah but...

[seferin.livejournal.com]

he was shirtless for on for like thirty seconds! And shouldn't there be innocent victims in completely impractical white gowns designed by loose women?

And where was the shirtless kata the good guy is supposed to do? Why does a good guy actually ask for sex as a thank you?

And did anyone else feel the uncontrollable urge to count the number of Evil Overlord rules being broken?

And why was Igor so good and then so bad? One minute its one liners, and the next he's an idiot?

[fyrdrakken]

I enjoyed the movie but still cracked up at your summary. Possibly glass is nonreactive with acid whereas metal (having all those loose electrons) is reactive. And I can't belief I missed the Riffness of the mortician -- especially when he was lurking in the coffin...

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

I saw it on Saturday and nearly died of the badness. I kept leaning over to my friend and saying "so, so bad." Entertainingly bad, mind you. Were you as confused as we were about how 26 days magically disappeared between full moons?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

YES. Another bit that made me go, "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!"

[adjectivegirl.livejournal.com]

::wipes tears of insane mirth:: Oh DUDE I have to get on very chemical known to mankind and see this movie.

Or not, cause I just read your review and it's got to be funnier.

[1st-folio.livejournal.com]

TP your reviews are becoming quite the hit at my office. LOL!

And my daughter linked through her Xanga... ;)

C

[the-swordman.livejournal.com]

You shouldn't make people bloody laugh when they're at work.
Cheers for that ^^