apocalypsos | There, done.

Pirates of the Caribbean: A Review in Q&A Form

Yay, a movie to review!

I thought you hated reviewing movies in the middle of the week.

Well, I'm bored. I've been sitting here all weekend trying to figure out who would win in a fight.

Wait ... what?

See, yesterday, I was trying to figure out if Donnie Darko could beat up Godzilla. But that was too hard, so now I'm wondering whether Jay and Silent Bob could take Doc Brown and Marty McFly.

You are a sick, sick disembodied voice.

Whatever. What are we watching?

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.

Really? I've never seen that!

...

Wow. You're so full of shit, it's unreal.

No, seriously. Never seen it. You?

Hey, remember that time you boosted that DVD and promised you'd have it back just as soon as you followed the route of the Dauntless to Tortuga and brought Jack Sparrow back to be your personal love slave?

Look, you. The last time I said I'd seen a movie before a review, you whacked me in the head with a boat oar.

Ah. I see. Pre-emptive amnesia it is, then.

Ooo, ooo! Pretend I'm an idiot and tell me who's in this movie I've decided to forget seeing twenty times.

Uh, right.

Will Turner ... A lowly blacksmith pining for Elizabeth Swann. If it's at all possible, he has some facial hair that would like to be a real goatee when it grows up.

Jack Sparrow ... A notorious pirate and scalawag just trying to get his ship back. Wears more makeup and jewelry than I have ever owned. Wants to shag everything that stands still long enough, but is not allowed to say it out loud, as Walt Disney might start spinning in his freezer and he is not on a rotisserie.

Elizabeth Swann ... The governor's daughter and the object of pretty much everyone's affections. Has probably spent her entire adult life wearing a corset but swoons just lookin' at one. Meanwhile, is obviously some sort of weird, hitherto-unknown mutant who can spontaneously eject ropes of bedding and small rowboats out of her ass.

Commodore Norrington ... A proud member of the Royal Navy who fits quite nicely into a pair of very tight pants. Plays with so many phallic symbols, it's amazing he doesn't throw Jack or Will or Gillette against the nearest mast and shag away.

Governor Swann ... Elizabeth's father. Has absolutely zero ability to notice any of the sexual tension going around, and therefore either asexually spawned Elizabeth just because he could, or is secretly shagging Norrington and just can't admit it. Damn it, man, throw your wig in the air and be free!

Barbossa ... The bad, bad captain of the Black Pearl. Named his monkey Jack. Considering the sexual tension that abounds, I don't really want to know why.

Okay, time to ramble amusingly. How frightening was Geoffrey Rush?

Not half as scary as he was when he was butt nekkid and smearing crap on the walls in "Quills."

Is it possible Orlando Bloom got this gig because Disney was impressed that he was committed enough to change his name to where they have the theme park?

Hey, anything's possible. And in this case, probably within reason.

Is Will's father really Basil Exposition?

You'd think so, what with the dialogue and all.

Come to think of it, if we're taking that into consideration, the idea that Basil Exposition might be Orlando Bloom's father isn't all that far-fetched, is it?

When you were watching the pirate with the little bombs attack Port Royal, how hard did you have to restrain yourself from pausing the movie and wandering off to play "Super Mario 2"?

You have no idea.

Let's play Fun With Orlando's Many Facial Expressions. Jack leans over to Will in Tortuga and says, "Keep a sharp eye." What does Will's expression tell you he's thinking?

"But ... but I've got two eyes, and they're both soft!"

How cool is Elizabeth?

She's so very, very cool, she uses the slang word "okay" waaaaay before it was in common usage. Dude, Elizabeth is the shit.

And I'll bet she's really smart, too, huh?

The woman is perfect, I tell you! She has perfect long nails after a sea battle! She knows sailing better than pirates! She recognizes corsets for the foul things they are! She holds her liquor better than Jack Sparrow!

So, is she a Mary Sue?

Er ... uh ... she can multiply complex numbers in her head! The actress who played her only wore sunscreen and lip gloss as her makeup regime during filming! She can fly and shoot laser beams out of her eyes, damn it!

Ah. Big Mary Sue, then.

Laser beams, bee-yotch. LASER. BEAMS.

Whatever. I hear that much like Chinese fortune cookies and the phrase "in bed," everything that Jack Sparrow says or does can be turned into a pornographic reference. Correct?

Dude, it's like a test for a dirty mind. Like in Jack's first scene, when his vessel is too full. Or later on, when he smiles at Elizabeth after she's grabbed his belt and says, "Sticks and stones." It's like a perfect world where everything can be porn if you just want it bad enough.

There'a also a rumor going around that there's a line forming to be in the middle of a Jack Sparrow/Commodore Norrington sandwich? Any truth to that?

Yes, and the line ends in Minneapolis. According to the last scene in the movie, both Will and Elizabeth do, in fact, have dibs on the first two spots. The rest of us could be here a while.

Why did Elizabeth go stand on the edge of a mile-high fort wall when she was feeling woozy?

She can defy gravity, I tell you! Control the elements! Turn sound into light displays!

That's Dazzler, you idiot.

Elizabeth is Dazzler?!

*sigh* Never mind. So, are you glad you gave up the pool to watch this again?

I'd just like to say right here and now, after watching the scene where Jack rescues Elizabeth, that all lifeguards should be dressed like Jack Sparrow. Yes, even the women.

Does it hinder Jack's sex appeal because he runs like a Muppet?

No. In fact, I happen to think Kermit is a sexy mutha.

Oh, you do not.

Okay, true.

Is there really a rudder and sails in Elizabeth's bodice?

No. There's actually a small rowboat, but since Jack doesn't bother looking for it, she whips it out later to go save Will. Smooth move, Jack. Real smooth.

You're feeling really guilty about Islands are a Girl's Best Friend right now, aren't you?

Um ... can we change the subject, please? *blushes*

Where has the rum gone?

Well, I have studied all of the film, done careful analytical studies of said rum, and discovered three options --

a.) The chicken drank it to get up the nerve to cross the road.
b.) Jack poured it into his lap to make "rum balls" and was too wasted to tell Elizabeth.
c.) I drank it.

Since my alcohol tolerance is roughly that of a naked mole rat, c.) is probably a no.

Hey, if Bootstrap was part of the curse, and they threw him into the ocean, where the hell did he go?

Well, if Will is the spitting image of him, I imagine he got loose and went off to pick up chicks. Hell, if Orlando Bloom were your spitting image, wouldn't you?

So what do you think happened after the movie ended?

I believe Jack sailed off to finish his goal with having sex with everyone on the planet, and Will and Elizabeth got married and had hot, dirty sex because the mental image of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley having sex is just too fucking hot. Also, I like to think that Will and Norrington became good friends, because Norrington respected the way Will took care of Elizabeth and Will respected the way Norrington never made a snarky remark about his pretty hat.

Oh, I almost forgot. What's with everyone and the ass?

You mean, the donkey, right?

Er, yeah.

After watching the movie again, I've realized that you can tell a lot about the characters from what they do to Will's ass. Will caresses it, Jack brands it and gets it moving, Norrington never notices it, and Elizabeth doesn't even see it. Quite possibly because she was off saving orphans from fires and fighting giant robots.

When Will threw his sword at Jack, and it got stuck, and Jack couldn't get it out ... well, you got a dirty mental image, didn't you?

I refuse to apologize when just describing it gave you a dirty mental image.

Oh. Good point.

Anyway, did you ever wonder if any of the other pirates ever popped out Ragetti's eye and put it in a jello mold just to piss him off?

You've been watching my The Office DVDs again, haven't you?

Well, I --

And I mean, seriously, would pirates even own a jello mold? They would have to steal one to do that, and really, how do you explain that? "So sorry about ransacking your pastry goods, kind sir, but we were in quite desperate need of a bundt mold ..."

Hey, how much have you had to drink?

Three whole strawberry daiquiri drinks. That's like nine drinks in dog booze.

EDIT: Okay, maybe twenty-one drinks in dog booze. I told you I was buzzed.