If I have to give you spoiler warnings by now, for shame.

[apocalypsos]

Titanic: A Review in Q&A Form

So.

So

Titanic, huh?

Yup.

I hear the ship sinks.

Yeah, not this time.

... uh, what?

Oh, well, I got so sick and tired of people tossing off that "The ship sinks!" bollocks, I pulled some strings and got myself a special copy of the movie where the ending changes every time.

Dude, seriously?

Uh-huh.

So how did it end this time?

Oh, giant green ninja kangaroos took over the ship and enslaved the passengers. Then they transported them all to Oz and fed them Skittles and beer until they puked.

That's kinda stupid, actually.

Not as stupid as snotting, "The ship sinks!" about a Titanic movie.

Ooo-kay. But you have to admit --

That the ship sinks? Yes ... yes, it does. But if we're not going to watch movies where we know the ending, then I guess we're not having any more movies based on true stories. Or books, 'cause you can read those. Or romantic comedies and horror movies, 'cause you can guess how they'll end. Or Sandra Bullock movies, 'cause she'll be a stronger person in the end and that's all you need to know. Or Halle Berry movies, because really, what could you have possibly done to deserve that kind of punishment?

So what is there left to watch?

Independent movies about juggling sheep made in Palau. Hey, you asked.

Wait a minute. If you knew the ship was going to sink, then why the hell did you go see it six times in the movie theater?

It's like this, dumbass. Four words: Leo's bloated, frozen corpse.

Huh. That's a good reason.

I enjoyed it.

Whatever. Who's in this shipwreck-fest, anyway?

Jack Dawson ... The third-class artist Rose falls in love with. Is poor, which you can tell because everybody keeps telling him as if he suddenly forgot and bought a car or an elephant or Australia or something. Has a hard time getting into a lifeboat, which seems weird considering he looks about ten and would probably only need some cheek-pinching and a quality simper to be led to the boats for the chicks.

Rose Dewitt Bukater ... The first-class hottie Jack falls in love with. Cannot hook up with him, because society dictates she must marry someone who can afford to buy her gigatic hats large enough to pick up satellite TV feeds from a hundred years in the future.

Cal Hockley ... Rose's fiance who's pretty much a spoiled, vain schmuck. Keeps making fun of Jack's lack of money, which is sad because people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and people who star in "The Phantom" shouldn't knock other people's career choices.

Molly Brown ... A nice, forthright first-class lady who befriends Jack and Rose. Makes my inner Titanic nerd screech, "They didn't call her Molly until after she died, you fuck!" at the top of her lungs.

Fabrizio ... Jack's best friend. Is Italian to the point where it's possible he's actually the entire country of Italy pureed and reformed as a scrawny yapping idiot. Proof positive that the only Italians James Cameron has ever met probably sell Ragu.

Brock Lovett ... The man exploring the wreck in the future. A manly man with a manly name and a manly ear stud, except that the earring makes me think he's boffing his bespectacled sidekick and the name sounds like a porn pseudonym.

Is there anything you'd like to say to the folks in Hollywood?

Yes. Please stop trying to convince me Bill Paxton is some fearless adventure who chases twisters, explores shipwrecks, and is such a good actor he can pretend to be an airplane-piloting marionette. Thank you.

Okay, admit it. You were amusing yourself during the movie by making up funny little vignettes, weren't you?

Hey, did you know how easy it would be to compose an all-Titanic version of the Gashlycrumb Tinies? "F is for Fabrizio, squished by a funnel ... G is for Guy with Kid, drowned in a tunnel." Granted, most of them are drowned, but still.

How much do you want Rose's wardrobe?

Enough to start building a state-of-the-art time machine to go back and raid her closet.

But Rose wasn't really on Titanic --

Blasphemy! You will be stoned by Leonardo DiCaprio fangirls until dead at high noon for your insolence! Keep a sharp eye for bands of twelve-year-old girls squealing at the top of their lungs and carrying armfuls of rocks!

So, do you think James Cameron could do with a less sadistic editor?

Hell, yes. Because, hey, it's really nice that Rose is going to promise to never let go for Jack's sake, but it might be nice if she did it some other time when she wasn't prying his frozen, bobbing corpse from her hand. Also, playing "My Heart Will Go On" right after Old Rose dies in her sleep? That's just wrong.

Hey, playing "My Heart Will Go On" is always wrong. No exceptions.

Good point.

When Rose made a crack about all of the men going off to compliment themselves on being "masters of the universe," you pictured Billy Zane in a He-Man costume, didn't you?

Yes, and now you are, too. So I don't feel so bad about it anymore, really.

What did you learn from watching this movie about the differences between rich people and poor people?

Well, let's see. Rich people are no fun, and think that poor people can float, breathe underwater, and survive in arctic conditions. Poor people are always happy, because they're stupid and believe in fairy lands, and all of them are Irish. Yes, even the Italian ones.

Now for the difficult question. Is Jack Dawson the king of the world?

God, I hope not. Could you imagine having to introduce him to foreign dignitaries? "This is our king. When he thaws, he'll be real pretty, we swear. Want him to draw you naked and wearing a large diamond?"

Admit it. When Fleet was watching for icebergs with Lee, and he spotted one and yelled, "Bugger me," you wondered if there was Titanic slash, didn't you?

Uh ... you all have warped my fragile little mind.

So how bad is Jack's dialogue?

Oh, it's not bad at all. I mean, with lines like, "This is bad," "This is really bad," and "Oh, shit, this is cold!" ... well, really, wherever would you get such a silly idea?

Okay, then. Just how evil is David Warner?

I don't think we need this movie to prove that David Warner is really Satan in disguise. The man played Jack the Ripper and starred in "Quest of the Delta Knights", and God only knows which project resulted in more emotional and mental trauma.

When Jack and Rose were running away from the wave of water, and the special effects guys did a really crappy job of putting Leo's and Kate's faces on the stunt people --

Yes, I have "There heds r pastede on yay!" written in my notes. Bite me.

What else do you have say before you finish?

Well, I probably shouldn't have watched Pirates of the Caribbean before watching Titanic. It's like the Midas touch, but with porn.

Comments

[phillyexpat.livejournal.com]

Independent movies about juggling sheep made in Palau. Hey, you asked.

The Story of the Weeping Camel

It's the closest thing I could find to juggling sheep.

[raindroproses.livejournal.com]

Also, playing "My Heart Will Go On" right after Old Rose dies in her sleep? That's just wrong.

ARGHNONONONOUGH.

Song... evil... aaaaah!

Now it's stuck in my head, thankyouverymuch. I wonder if it would stop if I killed Celine Dion.

[eiluned.livejournal.com]

Heh. I honestly think that Bill Paxton hit his acting high point when he was the giant turd in Weird Science.

[malhablada.livejournal.com]

*does best Stewie-from-Family-Guy triumphant laugh*

HA!

[malhablada.livejournal.com]

"Or Sandra Bullock movies, 'cause she'll be a stronger person in the end and that's all you need to know."

You know, your knack for summing up the entire careers of so-so movie stars with a single, scathing remark is almost disturbing.

Have you ever considered a career as a film critic? I mean, really?

PS: There heds r pastede on yay! *sporfle*

[foster9563.livejournal.com]

Have you ever considered a career as a film critic? I mean, really?

Agreed. You would rock as a film critic. Everyone would love you. Except Halle Berry, but who gives a fuck what she thinks?


Adrienne.

[gruyere.livejournal.com]

The first page that comes up when I google titanic slash

[foster9563.livejournal.com]

Oh, look- it's the weird-ass crossdressing freaky-BDSM style Cal/Jack. I was gonna point that out.

I watch Titanic so I can imagine people I don't like being chopped into tiny bits by the propellers. And because those people falling down the length of the ship? Fucking hilarious.


Adrienne.

[tinylegacies.livejournal.com]

Hey, playing "My Heart Will Go On" is always wrong. No exceptions.

Good point.

I call it that fucking song and everyone who knows me knows what I am talking about.

And every year someone sings it on Movie Theme night of American Idol.

And this year... my sister's middle school band played it at their spring concert. I crawled under my seat and huddled in the fetal position until it was over.

[conuly]

And now it's stuck in my head. DAMN YOU!

I shall now proceed to sing John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt at the top of her lungs until it goes away. Excuse me.

[ampersand.livejournal.com]

HIS NAME IS MY NAME TOOOOOOOOOOOO *joins in*

[akacat]

I have sworn that I will never watch Titanic. Ever.

Really.

There's absolutely no need for me to confirm that there heds r pastede on yay.

...

BTW, I can't believe you didn't say anything about Fabrizio sounding like Febreze.

[http://users.livejournal.com/___destijl/]

I swore that too. About four years ago.

I refuse to give in just to make fun of the movie.

[fyrdrakken]

Hey, playing "My Heart Will Go On" is always wrong. No exceptions.

Except when it's the New Found Glory cover version.

[cleobourne.livejournal.com]

This is our king. When he thaws, he'll be real pretty, we swear. Want him to draw you naked and wearing a large diamond?"

lmao

[milkshake-b.livejournal.com]

How about cows instead of sheep?

[tree-pretty.livejournal.com]

society dictates she must marry someone who can afford to buy her gigatic hats large enough to pick up satellite TV feeds from a hundred years in the future.

You are fucking brilliant! Do you know that?

Meanwhile: When Jack and Rose were running away from the wave of water, and the special effects guys did a really crappy job of putting Leo's and Kate's faces on the stunt people

Actually I had read that that was really them: apparantly Kate Winslet nearly drowned in that scene. Sucks to be her.

[ex-dovil323.livejournal.com]

I'll just be over here worshiping you from afar.