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[apocalypsos]

Independence Day: A Review in Q&A Form

So what are we watching today?

Oh, that would be Independence Day.

Emmerich and Devlin? This isn't much better than Armageddon, you know.

Yes, it is, because it has the two cutest sprogs on the planet Earth and the Tiny Borrowed Spaceship of True Love.

Sheesh. You can find slash anywhere, can't you?

It's my mutant ability. Tell no one.

So, give up the plot, dumbass.

Aliens invade the planet. This is a bad idea, which they would have known if they'd read the script. And also if they'd met the cast and checked their names on IMDb, 'cause then they would have found out that nearly every single major cast member has been in an alien invasion movie before or since and those who haven't played Vernita Green in Kill Bill.

The aliens couldn't really be that stupid.

Well, they don't own Norton Antivirus. But by now, that joke's just a gimme.

So how else do they prove to be idiotic?

Doesn't attacking L.A. in the first wave show some lack of intelligence on their part?

Not if their goal was to come fifty thousand light years to kill as many television executives as possible.

*sigh* We can dream.

Enough chatter. Who's in this lovely alien invasion epic?

Steven Hiller ... Fighter pilot wanting to marry a stripper and join NASA, two things which apparently are antithetical. Played by Will Smith, who is quickly becoming the first person on the planet who will get enlisted for a fierce real-life battle against alien warfare whether he wants to or not. Comes equipped with a Not!Goose snarky sidekick played by Harry Connick Jr. who dies before he can actually have a use, but not before inspiring any slash writers with a well-placed cigar.

David Levinson ... Scientist-type guy formerly married (and still sweetly pining for) Constance. Is played by Jeff Goldblum looking a thousand times hotter than usual, which doesn't matter because no matter which movie he's in, his character is THE SMARTEST CHARACTER EVAROMGWTF!!1!1!!

President Tom Whitmore ... President of these United States and father of the Cutest Female Sprog on the Planet. Has really low approval ratings, which seems odd considering he has very Presidential hair and wanders the White House in a robe and boxers. Is such a great President, he waits until he's both a single widowed father and the only leader we've got left and then he gets into a fighter jet to join a possibly hopeless battle against an alien spacecraft.

Constance Spano ... Assistant-type person to the President. Formerly married to David, which means between Jeff Goldblum, Eric Close on "Now and Again", and Peter Wingfield on that stupid wedding-dress TV movie, Margaret Colin has now filled her quota of far-too-pretty fake husbands/boyfriends and should be executed at dawn.

Jasmine ... Steve's significant other and the mother of the Cutest Male Sprog on the Planet. A stripper with a heart of gold, and -- considering what she'd have to be made of to survive the explosion in the tunnel -- lungs of fire-proof steel and muscles of flame-retardant jelly.

Russell Casse ... Father of three, former fighter pilot and alien abductee. Is usually drunk and is always portrayed by Randy Quaid, two facts that make me wonder why anyone puts up with him.

Major Mitchell ... He doesn't get to do much but be the best soldier he can be in the last half of the movie at Area 51, but he's played by Adam Baldwin and really, how much more qualification do I need?

Not much, really. So, don't you just love the segues in these Emmerich movies?

I know. They're so much fun, like being beaten about the head and midsection by thirty strong guys wielding railroad ties.

For example, there's a point at which the President, giving a speech to the nation, tells those in alien-shaded cities to please feel free to leave those cities in an orderly fashion. This is, of course, your cue to run into the city streets and commence with the screaming and the Muppet arms.

So what you're saying is, when the President refers to an orderly fashion, he means it not in the sense that it should be calm and organized, but that it should take a large burly man dressed in white to wrestle you to the ground and stuff medication down your throat.

Exactly. You catch on quick.

How do each of these afflicted cities respond to this emergency?

Oh, the usual. The New Yorkers flip out and ran slapdash through the streets, the people of Los Angeles get stuck in traffic or dance like airheads on a roof, and the good people of DC go to the White House and protest. You know, right before they take a page from Los Angeles' book and get stuck on the Beltway.

But we didn't get to see how the cities in the next wave were affected!

Well, I imagine the denizens of Chicago looted everything in sight, the entire population of Miami went to a rave and got wasted, and the people of Atlanta sat around and bitched about why it was always their city getting burned to the ground.

So how did Jasmine survive that blast in the tunnel?

Well, it's like this. Small children never die in disaster movies. Dogs never die in disaster movies. See, what she did was, she buried herself under the karma and became nearly invincible. If the kid and the dog had gone off running directly into the explosion, I can assure you that they would have been scraping broiled stripper off the walls of that tunnel for years.

Why did the entire world seem to be hanging out waiting for the Americans to come up with a way to defeat the aliens.

You remember what I said in that Armageddon review about us not having to save their collective ass if they'd stop being so stupid?

Yeah, but you were being sarcastic.

True. But we also have a monopoly on Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith.

And terrible Presidential speeches.

Hey, don't pick on Bill Pullman. He was trying to kill the aliens with annoyingly patriotic rhetoric to save American lives, and it didn't work.

How could one tell if the alien invasion centered directly over their house is an evil one?

I'm glad you asked. Evil alien spacecraft tends to give off a heavy bass and they're all shaped like great big chocolate Necco wafers, which is always a sign of pure, unadulterated evil in most objects. Good alien spacecraft, on the other hand, are rarely spotted and usually spit out their single inhabitants at poor single Midwestern girls and the sheds of lonely little boys named Eliot.

Wait a second. If those teeny alien spacecraft need to come from the mother ship, and that one in Roswell was one of theirs, then does that mean a mother ship flew in ready to attack back in the 1940s?

Actually, no. That aircraft came from far, far away and was powered on pure, unfiltered WB-level teenage angst. Which, as you know, is enough angst to power the state of Florida for three months.

Why was the Secretary of Defense such a dick?

I don't know. All Secretaries of Defense are dicks, aren't they? I don't know about you, but if anybody asked me to be Secretary of Defense, I'd be insulted.

You got a gratuitous little thrill when the aliens aimed for the White House, didn't you?

It's wrong that I went out on the porch after that and tried to signal to faraway galaxies with a flashlight, isn't it?

I don't think so.

Thanks for backing me up on that.

Not a problem. Anyway, considering that no one seemed able to get out of New York, how come David and his father were able to drive out?

No clue. I've only been able to come up with teleportation and Taxi jokes.

How hard is it to wade through the hypocrisy of The McLaughlin Group bitching about the President staying in the White House when they're still making their fucking TV show?

Like molasses in January, bitch. Seriously.

When it was revealed that David and the President didn't get along because David once punched him, how long did you look for the spot where that line formed?

Hours, I tell you. You'd think "Queue here to punch the President" would be an easy line to find these days.

Don't you think that it was awfully nice of New York to move the Empire State Building out into the middle of the street for the filmmakers so it would look that much cooler when it blew up?

Those cuddly New Yorkers. They're just so sweet.

You watched the Special Edition version with extra footage. What's missing?

Devon Gummersall, looking adorable and about twelve for all of two scenes as he flirts with Randy Quaid's trampy daughter. Oh, and Brent Spiner's nutty scientist takes David down into the spaceship and David figures out their little code, which makes Brent Spiner say good-naturedly, "You know, you're really starting to make us look bad."

So what you're saying is, the reason it feels as if all of the good stuff is missing, is because it is.

Yeah, that's the gist of it.

What did you learn after watching the medical team get trounced when they tried to operate on the alien?

Uh, that it might be a good idea to sedate your alien before you cut him open. Just a thought.

Why would aliens even bother to invade us?

Well, I think I speak for all liberals when I say that considering that the President's approval ratings were in the toilet and the guy's dialogue implied he may be mentally deficient, this whole alien-invasion thing was obviously a conspiracy to get him re-elected in November. And if doesn't work, I'm sure he'll cart out the alien supreme leader in September and challenge him to an arm-wrestling match or something.

Why doesn't anyone ever pick a good day to quit drinking?

Because quitting drinking rips apart the fabric of the universe in such a way as to crash your plane or sink your boat or force an alien invasion. So remember, kids, alcoholism prevents forest fires and ... uh, saves puppies and teaches babies the alphabet. Uh-huh.

So in the end, why was everybody smiling as they watched the smoldering alien wreckage?

Well, don't you think it's wonderful how lots of people died and all of the major cities exploded?

No.

Oh, shut up and watch the aliens' heads explode. See? Pretty!

Comments

[paradisacorbasi.livejournal.com]

Not a problem. Anyway, considering that no one seemed able to get out of New York, how come David and his father were able to drive out?

There are a bunch of ways into and out of Manhattan, but David and his father were coming out of Brooklyn, so they were already out of the city. And as long as you avoid the BQE, you're golden. South to DC, boychiks!