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[apocalypsos]

Jurassic Park: A Review in Q&A Form

Yay! Isn't it a glorious, wonderful day? Oh, beautiful morn! Let's get started!

Oh, piss off. You're just happy because you got entered in the Pairing List That Ate Fandom.

I know. Isn't it great? I'm going to get laid! Dirty, wild, deliciously naughty sex all over the place!

Yeah, but what if you get stuck with someone terrifying like Cthulhu?

Well, then, there will be regrets and recriminations and lots of birth control.

Good plan.

I thought so. But still! Sex! Wheeeeeeee!

That's a nice one-track mind you've got there.

Okay, fine then. What are we reviewing again?

Jurassic Park.

Ah, I remember that movie! That's where I first learned that dinosaurs are excellent judges of character, because they eat goats, lawyers, greedy computer nerds, and safari guys.

Well, I mean, let's be honest. Goats are goats, lawyers are lawyers, greedy computer nerds eat enough Butterfingers and Reese's cups to have a yummy peanut butter center, and I'm pretty sure Animal Planet hired those velociraptors to do a drive-by eating after they found out he'd raided the costume department of their hosts.

I'll bet you were one of those annoying little kids who's seriously into dinosaurs, weren't you?

Yup. I was like a very small, pigtailed paleontological encyclopedia.

You're such a blubbering dumbass, I'll bet you cry every time they first see the brachiosaurus.

Of course I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Do.

Don't.

Do!

Don't!

Don't!

Do!

Don't!

I do, damn you! I wibble like a little girl more than I do when Bambi's mother dies!

Ha! I knew it!

Ooo, the Daffy Duck maneuver. You are clever and should be feared by many. *nods*

So, tell me who's going to be called Dinosaur Kibble by all of the other kids in junior high until the end of time.

Alan Grant ... Eminent paleontologist and renowned kid-hater. Is proof positive that you get a plaid shirt, aviator sunglasses and a jaunty hat free with your well-earned paleontology degree. Played by Sam Neill, who so far has had a dingo eat his baby, a dinosaur eat his lawyer (sort of), and a Chaucer nail his daughter.

Ian Malcolm ... A chaotician brought along to Jurassic Park apparently just for the snark. Is played by all-of-my-characters-are-smarter-than-you actor Jeff Goldblum, which means that if he pronounces that your park of full of gigantic extinct reptiles isn't going to work, it's clearly an IQ test you fail if you ignore him. Dresses in all black, enjoys a good rivalry, and spends much of the movie in a bad mood, which in other fandoms would qualify him to teach Potions or patrol Gotham City's rooftops or fight a thousand Agent Smiths all at the same time.

Ellie Sattler ... Dr. Grant's paleobotanist fuckbuddy. Has three jobs -- to not have a penis, to be underestimated or flirted with because she doesn't have a penis, and to use the penis she doesn't have to whack Alan over the head repeatedly with thinly veiled demands for sprogs.

John Hammond ... The rich businessman who started Jurassic Park. Is very upset about the prospect of dinosaurs eating tourists, which is horribly wrong because God knows some tourists are just begging to be dipped in chocolate and thrown to the raptors.

Donald Gennaro ... Is a lawyer. Gets eaten by a Tyrannosaurus, but was kind of asking for it by being dorky enough to wear a dress jacket and long-sleeved white-button down shirt with short-shorts.

Muldoon ... Head safari-type guy at Jurassic Park. The only thing distinguishing him from Steve Irwin is the gun and the lack of a baby to dangle in front of hungry carniverous reptiles. Has to wear the requisite Australian safari uniform, mostly because he wasn't lucky enough to opt out on that paleontology-degree excuse.

Lex ... Mr. Hammond's annoyingly precocious granddaughter. Claims to be a hacker, which she proves by manipulating a complex computer system that was giving Unofficial King of Cool Samuel L. Jackson difficulty. It is at this point you most wish the raptors would make like it's Easter and bite off her adorable little head first.

Tim ... Mr. Hammond's annoyingly precocious grandson. If Hammond were in the business of producing grandchildren created specifically to annoy the piss out of you with their brains, he could chuck this dino park idea and make a fortune. Fulfills the disaster movie quota of one small boy who goes through every physical trauma imaginable as an excuse for one or two wicked cool action sequences.

Dennis Nedry ... Jurassic Park's pig of a computer expert, and a traitor to his jolly boss. Tries to escape the island only to have the world's most incredibly adorable dinosaurs spit poison in his face and then eat it. Which, just in case you were keeping track, doesn't say much about the culinary tastes of the dilophosaurus at all.

Be honest. When Ian said that when the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists, you and you dirty, dirty mind were bitterly disappointed?

Well, thinking of Jack Sparrow, aren't you?

It seems you've warped my fragile little mind.

Weren't you the one raving about getting some action in the beginning of this review?

Okay, point for you.

Hey, how about that Mr. DNA? Isn't he the shit?

You know, I'd like to think that if Hammond was all about sparing no expense, he wouldn't have hired the same guys who animated "Schoolhouse Rock". Although God knows I'm always up for a round of "Conjunction Junction".

How scary was the Tyrannosaurus?

Really freakin' scary. In fact, so scary that when it finally escapes its paddock, the land in the paddock runs away and leaves behind an empty abyss that wasn't there before for Alan and Lex to swing down a rope into.

Say, why is there a public restroom outside the Tyrannosaurus paddock when the tourists aren't supposed to get out of the cars?

I don't know. Maybe that's the little dinosaurs room.

You'd think they'd need a larger toilet if that was where the Tyrannosaurus was supposed to go.

And just think of how unsanitary it is to eat a lawyer who's been sitting on those toilets. If I'd been that dinosaur, I would have cleansed him properly, steamed him with some chopped veggies, and perhaps if I'd been off my diet, slathered him in ketchup, swallowed him whole, and finished off with some raspberry cheesecake.

You think about this shit waaaaaay too much.

You noticed! *swoon*

Can the sarcasm, you. Riddle me this: If objects in the Jeep's mirror are closer than they appear, and the Tyrannosaurus had its mouth open so wide and was so close you could practically see graffiti on its uvula, where exactly was the Jeep?

Let's put this way. Either they could have easily flossed the dino's wisdom teeth while they were back there, or it just would have been simpler to throw the Jeep into reverse and exit the Tyrannosaurus from a very uncomfortable place for everyone.

When Alan mentioned that frogs can change sex, did you ever wonder if Miss Piggy realizes she got hitched to a hermaphrodite?

Dude, shut up! The last mental image I need in my head is of Kermit in sparkly drag makeup ...

... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now it's there. Damn it.

Huh. Is he singing anything?

This is not a cabaret of --

Jesus Christ doing jumping jacks, he's mangling "Lady Marmalade"! If you don't shut it, I swear I'm going to Krazy-Glu your nonexistent lips shut.

All right, all right. So, when Tim and Lex hid from the velociraptors, was that a smart move?

Very, because no one, not even dinosaurs, would be stupid enough to look for food in a kitchen.

So what's the moral we learn from this movie?

I think it can be best summed up by the T-shirt slogan, "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good dipped in chocolate." Then again, "Never go anywhere with Jeff Goldblum because things blow up and never go anywhere with Sam Neill because wild animals eat people on those trips" works, too.

Comments

[thornsilver]

You rock my world! :)

[backfromspace.livejournal.com]

So if they worked together, Jeff Goldblum and Sam Neill could get wild animals to noisily devour an invading alien mothership, right?

[wenchamok.livejournal.com]

Heh. Nice.

I think "Ocean's Eleven" (the remake) needs to be Q&A'd.....

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's on the list, just as soon as I pick up the DVD. ('Cause God knows I'm too spoiled by now to rent. *eye roll*)

[wenchamok.livejournal.com]

Dude, it's on TNT right bloody now. And tomorrow night too!

[vivian-shaw.livejournal.com]

a) I love you.
b) Muldoon was played by the man who played the android in Slipstream, another movie which has fallen by the wayside probably because it contains unfettered Mark Hamill and bad eighties hair. Still, he rocks. I bought a 10-Bad-Movie set at Suncoast just cause it contains him.

I need to be shot.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but I don't have a TV in my room. Plus, I inevitably need to go back and double-check stuff. My notes during these things aren't exactly what you'd call clear and concise.

[silly-dan.livejournal.com]

I was like a very small, pigtailed paleontological encyclopedia.

So was I (only not pigtailed.) Unfortunately, no one else was, so I spent ten years pronouncing "Diplodocus" completely wrong...8)

The dilophosauruses really were cute, for vicious venomous beasts anyway.

[vivian-shaw.livejournal.com]

Yeah, they hooted. It was cute, in a venomous sort of way.

[bnh.livejournal.com]

Jeff Goldblum is a podperson.

[ladyiapetus]

As a Muppet fan, I thank you for giving me one of the best laughs I've had all day with the whole hermaphrodite-Kermit-singing-Lady-Marmalade bit.

[telaryn.livejournal.com]

I don't know which made me laugh harder -- the shiny new double entendres attached to the PotC line, or the idea of Kermit in "sparkly" drag. :)

Somebody totally needs to pay you to write these.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

The book is much, much cooler then the movie. Characters who live in the movie die in the book and vice versa. And Grandfather CutesyFace of the park meets the BitchGoddess Karma because he's an asshole

[lots42.livejournal.com]

The moral of the story is, kids can withstand electrical shocks designed to stop dinosaurs. Well, sort of. They get a limp. Because a bazillion volts of electricity is the same as spraining your ankle

[lots42.livejournal.com]

That's not as bad as what I did. I bought a Rob Liefeld issue of New Mutants simply because it has New Mutants in it. Rob, who started out horrible and defying all known forms of logic, has gotten WORSE over the years

[lots42.livejournal.com]

ANd oh god that sounds dumb. Replace second instance of 'New Mutants' with 'Wolfsbane'. I always notice the typos one button press too late.

[muffytaj.livejournal.com]

You made me drop my yoghurt with shock by being mentioned in one of trollprincess's oh-so-famous entries. And because it's late and my grabby grabby not so strong late at night. Now the cat's got the yoghurt. Oh hell.

*goes to sleep on keyboard*

[starfishofelves.livejournal.com]

The book r00lz, yo. *hearts it*

[seferin.livejournal.com]

You do realize that someone is eventually going to enter 'Trollprincess' from your reviews into the pairing list?

[ex-dovil323.livejournal.com]

*worships your funny, funny brain*

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

I'm too tired. When I read So, when Tim and Lex hid from the velociraptors, was that a smart move? I couldn't figure out how we had ended up at the DCU...

[jira-rd.livejournal.com]

Y'know, I was going so well until I got to "Jesus Christ doing jumping jacks!" and I almost spat my soda on the keyboard. Plus your "Never go anywhere with Jeff Goldblum because things blow up and never go anywhere with Sam Neill because wild animals eat people on those trips" line made me do it again.

Damnit.