Oh, thank God. Finally. *collapses*
Jul. 20th, 2004 11:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosHave I ever told you how much I love Will Smith's ass?
Oh, God. One question in, and I can already tell this review is going to be trouble.
What?
Never mind. Let's get on with this, shall we?
Want to bitch about the trailers as per usual?
Well, how about that crappy trailer for The Village? I mean, let's face it. If there are creatures in your woods you have to have a "gentle understanding" with, you might want to, you know, move.
That's an excellent idea. You know, I have a gentle understanding with the germs in my bathroom. Maybe I should move.
Good plan.
Or, you know, I could just wear some really fancy armor and maybe get a great big lance --
Okay, now you're just being silly.
So what's the plot of the movie, huh?
It turns out there are evil robots. I've been telling people that for years, but does anybody listen to me? Noooooo.
Oh, you have not been telling people for years.
Yes, I have, ever since that robot attack --
You were not attacked by robots!
Well, not recently.
You're out of your gourd, you know that?
Just you wait. When your toaster enslaves you to his will, don't say I didn't warn you.
But I don't even have a toaster!
Ah. I see the conditioning has begun.
*sigh* Whatever. Who's in this lovely little film, anyway?
Oh, you mean these dopes?
Del Spooner ... A homicide detective who really hates robots. And because irony is no one's friend but that's never stopped anyone from utilizing it, also has a robotic arm that slices, dices, and Juliennes fries or however the hell you say it. Wears Converse sneakers, listens to Stevie Wonder, and loves to eat sweet potato pie regardless of the fact that there's no brand name attached to it.
Sonny ... The coolest robot on the planet, bar none. Played by Alan Tudyk, who so far has played a medieval peasant, a gay sex addict, an intergalatic pilot, a dodgeball-playing pirate, and now a robot. It's entirely possible he puts weird character descriptions in a hat and picks his roles that way.
Susan Calvin ... A scientist at the Big Evil Robot Company of Doooooooom. In charge of making the robots act more human, which is stupid because I have "Lord of the Rings" posters with more human behavior than this chick.
Dr. Alfred Lanning ... The head scientist at the Big Evil Robot Company of Doooooooom. Is a corpse within the first ten minutes, and is decidedly less squishy than a guy dropped from so many stories high probably should be. Played by James Cromwell, which means I couldn't possibly have been the only one waiting for, "That'll do, robot. That'll do."
Lawrence Robertson ... Leader of the Big Evil Robot Company of Doooooooom. Is the richest person on the planet, which is sad because with all of that money, you'd think he'd be able to get that "Red Herring" tattoo removed from his forehead.
Gigi ... Spooner's sweet little old grandmother. Is mostly there because why should Spooner save random people on the street when he can spout off every once in a while about saving someone who actually has dialogue?
Lt. John Bergin ... Your official Random Chief Cop Stereotype. You can tell because he's gruff and grumbly in front of other people and all cuddly and full of concern when no one's looking. And also, because he has a shotgun. A big one.
Hey, I thought Shia LaBeouf was in this movie!
Yeah, for about three minutes, apparently to appeal to the crowd that thinks Disney Channel original movies are Oscar-worthy epics beloved by critics and triumphant at the box office.
And isn't there a Sassy Black Woman in this movie? I thought every Will Smith movie had at least one Sassy Black Woman!
Oh, sure, for about five seconds, mostly just to hyperventilate and call Will Smith an asshole. But considering that's what the Sassy Black Woman does in most Will Smith movies, at least this time they've been a bit less time-consuming with their lame cliche.
Say, what crack-addled architect designed the Big Evil Robot Company of Doooooooom?
Beats me. Whoever it was, it looks like they couldn't decide between showcasing their blatant sadomasochism or their need to overcompensate for something.
They have FedEx robots in the future! Hey, does that mean a robot could do your job?
Why are you surprised? A trained monkey could do my job. Hell, an untrained monkey could do my job, as long as they could keep it from randomly flinging its crap at people.
Hey, if Spooner has a robotic arm, then why doesn't he make that "Six Million Dollar Man" noise when he runs and chugs beer and stuff?
Well, I'm guessing it's because if the director had decided to put it in, then Will Smith would have turned it into a rap song, slapped it on the soundtrack, and made a music video for it with Alfonso Ribiero, and you can only get away with that shit once in a lifetime.
I've got to know. At what exact point did you think to yourself, "You know, Linda Hamilton fought evil robots, and her career never recovered"?
I was only supposed to think it once?
And seriously, $46.50 for two beers?
Why not? That's how much it is for two gallons of gas right now.
So when Susan saw that Spooner was beaten up and asked him if cats did that to him, did you ever know that musicals could be so dangerous?
Oh, but of course. Broadways musicals are the fourth-leading cause of death in the United States.
Is that before or after ninja monkey attacks?
Before, actually. Ninja monkey attacks are sixth, right after drownings in pools of tapioca and beatings to the death by bands of Jerry Garcia impersonators.
Say, why did the movie end with planes flying overhead again?
Er, it's in Will Smith's summer movie contract.
Why?
Because staring triumphantly at the sky is Will's best angle. Hell, I dunno.
Aren't you glad that Spooner is allergic to bullshit?
I know! Isn't it great? I was starting to think I was the only one. We should get together and hang out and stuff. And we could start the Bullshit Allergics of America, and we could spot each other, making sure to steer the other one clear of stuff like election speeches and declarations of love by Kevin Federline.
*gasps* Take that back! Kevin and Britney are meant to be!
Huh. Pick a bad week to quit sniffing glue, did we?
Hey, nobody likes a quitter.
Good point.
All right, I'm going to ask, even though I already know the answer. When nanites suddenly became a plot point --
Yes, God help me, I got attacked in a dark alley by a Jake 2.0/I, Robot crossover plotbunny. And the bastard has friends. Large, club-wielding, cigar-chomping, fluffy-tailed friends.
You know, that could actually work. Jake hanging with Spooner, Diane helping Susan to loosen up --
Shut up.
-- Kyle asking Sonny goofy questions --
Shut up.
Hey, I'll bet Random Chief Cop Stereotype and Lou would be perfect for one another!
Do you want me to get out the boat oar again?
Why not? You already had it out for the guy sitting next to you with the cell phone!
Can you blame me? That asshat whipped out his cell during the climactic battle scene and blue light shone everywhere. He should be grateful I didn't shove the damn thing so far down his throat he'd need a proctologist with long forearms to get it out.
Is that why no one goes to the movies with you?
People save more on emergency room bills that way. *nods solemnly*
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 08:49 am (UTC)His stage work, too. 30-odd characters in a play about Gilda Radner, Adam (of Adam and Steve), a bad actor in a Biblical epic, a guy whose wife leaves him because of hsi fetish for swallowing and passing Barbie heads.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 09:00 am (UTC)...
...
I love that man. He's my big damn hero.
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Date: 2004-07-20 06:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 06:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 06:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 08:55 am (UTC)Seconded, thirded, fourthed, .... five hundred and sixty oneth.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 08:59 am (UTC)That's it, just "yay". But a very enthusiastic "yay".
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 09:00 am (UTC)I'd go to the movies with you! Well if we didn't have to actually go to the movies (them being part of that outside world place blegh). Um, well, I'd watch a DVD with you, hmm, except that would mean you'd have to fly to England and that seems wildly impractical. I'd... watch them over the phone with you? No, I'd only piss you off by going sorry? what? speak up.
Okay, I'll just keep reading your reviews then.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 09:27 am (UTC)Answer: No. Why do you ask?
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 09:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 12:26 pm (UTC)Who is this "Azimov" of which you speak?
...
...oh wait, there's a book?
*snickerchortle*
no subject
Date: 2005-05-12 07:36 pm (UTC)They totally stole bits and pieces of about four of the stories in I, Robot and the character of Susan Calvin. They then put them in a blender with Will Smith action movie cliches and sci-fi cliches on "Liquefy" and poured the resultant mush straight into our brains.
The strange thing is, I still enjoyed it. I am such a sinner.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 09:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-22 08:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 09:35 am (UTC)Why not? That's how much it is for two gallons of gas right now.
Bwah! it's funny cause it's ... sad
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 09:46 am (UTC)"Susan Calvin as frigid-intellectual-bitch" is pretty much the ONLY bit of canon you'll find in the whole movie. *That* piece of anti-feminist crap, they had to save from the book. Everything else, apparently they had to flush.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 10:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 10:02 am (UTC)Ah! If only my brain would have been able to remember anything about Babe.
And seriously, $46.50 for two beers?
Inflation. I've seen things go from $5 to $5000 in a few years. It doesn't matter if your paycheck rises along. Or they might have been vintage beers. Who knows?
Your review kicks ass. I saw this movie today and my review wasn't much more than "Hey, I've seen this movie already and it was called Short Circuit."
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 10:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 11:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 12:38 pm (UTC)I'm betting on rotfl, myself. The good doctor had a hell of a sense of humor.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 01:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 10:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 11:11 am (UTC)I gotta go see this again. I hearted it.
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Date: 2004-07-20 11:16 am (UTC)Actually, it was three. But that's still a hell of a lot of beer.
came here by way of the fflist.
Date: 2004-07-20 11:57 am (UTC)The experience was like watching the movie on a bucking horse with a sandpaper saddle.
And life-sized ones at that!
Date: 2004-07-20 01:15 pm (UTC)Well, I can certainly vouch for that! *drool*
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 04:15 pm (UTC)too much fun!
and even the comments are hillarious!
thank you for another groovy review!
no subject
Date: 2004-07-20 07:19 pm (UTC)Aww man, now I'm in trouble ):
no subject
Date: 2004-07-26 02:14 am (UTC)And "Have you a valediction, robot?"
I absolutely loved this movie. It was like hard-wired morphine. In other words, thank god I hadn't read the source material. When civil unions between man and robot become legal, me and Sonny are eloping.
what's with me and guys who have to wear spandex to record their movements? investigation needed...