(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

Alien vs. Predator: A Q&A review

So, who wins?

Hey, now, that's just cheating.

No, it's not. The movie is Alien vs. Predator. I want to know who wins.

Well, I think we all know that whoever wins, we lose.

You're just saying that because it's on the movie poster, dumbass.

That doesn't make it any less true.

Okay, point. So, give me one good reason why I should even bother to see this steaming pile of hooey.

I suggest doing what I did and going to a showing where you sit right next to a heavily pregnant woman.

Seriously?

I know! What kind of a sick fuck warps a baby in utero by going to an Alien mo--

Oh, wait. That's the kind of shit I'd pull. Never mind.

I don't think that would warp the child as much as it would the rest of the audience.

I don't know, I think somebody spewing tiny baby monsters from their stomach during Alien vs. Predator would be kind of funny, like that scene in The Muppets Take Manhattan where Lew Zealand throws boomerang fish into the audience during "Attack of the Killer Fish".

You're weird, you know that?

Why? Because I enjoy having fetal aliens thrown at my head?

No, because you thought any part of The Muppets Take Manhattan was funny.

*gasps* Take that back!

Never!

Are we going to have to duel to the death again?

Depends. Can we use something other than loaves of Italian bread this time? 'Cause afterwards, my hands smell like garlic and the butter makes my skin break out.

Whatever. Anything's got to be better than watching Alien and Predator go at it.

Are you going to tell me who wins now?

Hell, no. First, we have to talk about the movie.

Fine. What's the plot?

Don't make me hit you.

Oh, come on. They have to do something else for two hours besides kick each other's ass.

Why?

... hey, quit scoring points off me!

All right, all right. This very rich man who looks suspiciously like Bishop from the Alien movies and his very rich company are peeping-tom on the entire continent of Antarctica, because God knows there's all kind of fun shit to watch there like drunken penguin orgies and walrus karaoke, when they discover there's a great big multinational ancient pyramid buried deep under the surface of the ice. And I don't know about you, but when a weird old pyramid in a deserted location far under the planet's surface starts giving off a funky heat signature, I can't bring the keg and the Tostitos fast enough.

So, what kind of incubation fodder are we looking at here?

Oh, these people, and I'm going to tell you their names as if they actually matter.

Weyland ... Very rich old bat intent on discovering said pyramid and ... hell, I don't know what he plans to do with it. Start a freezing-cold amusement park on the surface and feed as many wailing lost toddlers to the aliens in his name as possible, I guess. Looks like Bishop, which I suppose was meant to be a wink-wink-nudge-nudge to the audience but ended up being much more of a wink-wink-nudge-twitch-epileptic-seizure-twelve-year-coma-painful-withering-death kind of a thing.

Lex Woods ... Hot chick who's impervious to cold who's in charge of knowing everything about climbing and having nobody else really care all that much. Is both black and female and is the only human to survive the movie, which is apparently the screenwriter's way of walking directly up to the Movie Cliche Gods, yelling "HA!", and flipping them off.

Sebastian de Rosa ... What happens when the Movie Cliche Gods break off your middle finger and stomp up and down on it. "Italian Stallion" of the archaeological world, which spawns an Italian takeout joke in the mind of everybody watching when he gets dragged off by the aliens. Is made entirely out of testosterone and exposition.

Graeme Miller ... Adorably dorky scientist guy whose first scene has him flashing digital photos of his kids at the camera with one hand while gleefully writing his blood-splattered obituary with his free hand. Is played by the same guy who played Spud in "Trainspotting", and just for that, I reserve the right to smack the director when I see him.

Mark Verheiden ... Guy who ... oh, was this guy supposed to have a real job? Because all I remember was he was played by the facially-scarred hottie in Braveheart and he got his very own facesucker. Hence, my reserved right to punch the screenwriter.

Adele Rousseau ... I imagine she was meant to be security, but it's hard to buy from a character who's about two feet tall and the width of a toothpick, not to mention her artfully spiky short hair, because on Antarctic expeditions, don't we all make sure to bring our pomade and lip gloss? This, by the way, is why I reserve the right to pants the hair stylist and knee the makeup person in the crotch.

Aren't you getting a bit violent?

Can you blame me? Dude, it's been five hours since I finished watching that movie and I still can't figure out who won.

Ha! So you admit who won!

Okay, look. First, Predator won. And then, Alien won. Or maybe it was Predator.

Never mind. Paul W.S. Anderson has my eight bucks. He wins.

Er, maybe they were planning ahead for a sequel.

No, you don't get to plan a sequel for the ultimate showdown between two movie monsters. You get to plan a funeral. And a bonfire, to burn any and all sequel scripts. That's it.

But ... but ... what if they want to have Alien vs. Predator vs. Ash?

Look, I want to see Ash fight anything and everything as much as the next person. Do you know how much money I would pay for Ash to fight my mom?

Fifty bucks?

That was a rhetorical question!

But a correct answer.

Shut up! As I was saying, I want Ash to fight movie monsters, too, but they're going about these Hollywood fights all the wrong way.

What's that supposed to mean?

Personally, I'd rather see battles to the death between actors and actresses for those annoying Hollywood titles they're always handing out like crazy. The "America's Sweetheart" Death Match -- Julia Roberts vs. Reese Witherspoon with only two-by-fours with rusty nails through 'em as weapons! The "Love-'Em-Or-Hate-'Em Male Sex Symbol" Battle Royale -- Tom Cruise vs. Brad Pitt wielding frozen barracudas, no ankle-biting allowed! The "Queen of the Romantic Comedies" Fiesta of Fists -- Sandra Bullock vs. Meg Ryan using only sharpened fingernails, lame romantic dialogue, and roses with the thorns still attached!

Yoiu know, you're starting to make these movie monster battles look lame.

Yeah. Wouldn't take much.

Comments

[sabra-n.livejournal.com]

Is made entirely out of testosterone and exposition.

*loves you*

[ironychan.livejournal.com]

Dude, so... Token Hot Blonde Chick had a name? You were paying more attention than I. I got to see the movie for free, though.

[amandathegreat.livejournal.com]

Hm. I suppose I'm not the first to offer to have your babies? They can burst out of someone's chest cavity if you're into that sort of thing.

[emberwolfe.livejournal.com]

And how does that whoever wins, we lose crap work? From where I was sitting Predator winning means we won because the world isn't going to be infested with alien babies breaking out of people's chests, right? I mean, Predator isn't taking over the freaking world just because they won... I am so confused by this whole "we" winning versus losing issue.... Can someone please explain this to me?

[milkshake-b.livejournal.com]

The "America's Sweetheart" Death Match -- Julia Roberts vs. Reese Witherspoon with only two-by-fours with rusty nails through 'em as weapons! [snip, etc, snip]

Didn't MTV do that in claymation?

[spiritof1976.livejournal.com]

In a nutshell....whoever wins, the art of cinema loses.



Miss Trollprincess, is this film more or less awful than Freddy vs. Jason?

[geckoman.livejournal.com]

Whenever they make movies where you have two major franchises duking it out, there will never be a clear cut winner as the producers don't want to alienate half their audience. We see this in Godzilla vs. King Kong, Freddy vs. Jason and any other future pairings. Whereas, we don't have a clear cut winner in these types of films, we do have a clear cut loser...and that's the audience. I guess AVP had it right, "...WE LOSE!"

[drewbeartx.livejournal.com]

Graeme Miller ... Adorably dorky scientist guy whose first scene has him flashing digital photos of his kids at the camera with one hand while gleefully writing his blood-splattered obituary with his free hand.

Firstly: hee! Secondly, wasn't there a Buffy character in the Initiative named Graham Miller? Were the screenplay writers actually so lazy that they couldn't even come up with their own names?