apocalypsos | (no subject) (Reply)

Highlander: A Review in Q&A Form

Before we write this review, I want you to make me a deal.

This isn't like that last deal, where you'd only clean your room after you found Smurf porn on the Internet.

What? It only took me three minutes.

Yes, but it took me three years of electroshock to get that mental image out of my head.

I was actually impressed. I never would have guessed Gargamel could bend that way.

I hate you.

Do you want to hear my deal or not?

Oh, whatever.

You have to swear to me that reviewing Highlander does not mean I have to help you review the sequels.

I thought you liked the sequels.

That is libel and I demand you take that back!

You don't want me to bring up those five minutes of Endgame when Methos showed up and you wouldn't stop licking the screen, do you?

Hey, Peter Wingfield is a viable exception to any crappy-movie rules.

Good point.

Of course, the same can be said of Adrian Paul, who makes any movie bad regardless of how good the material is.

Well, if his toupee weren't intent on ruining his career, that wouldn't happen.

Let's not talk about Toupee Lad anymore. What's this movie about, again?

Once upon a time, there were a group of guys who couldn't die, because God forbid they should miss a battle and all the fun of being poked with pointy things all day long. So for a long, long time, they whacked each other's heads off so that they could get some mythical Prize. You know, sort of like pinatas, but messier and with less candy. Then it came down to Connor MacLeod, who's been through so much trauma he thinks sneakers and trenchcoats look good together, and the Kurgan, whose hed is safety-pinned on yay! Therein followed a lot of snide remarks and snotty accusations and some flying nuns to boot, and just when you thought things couldn't get any weirder or more shocking, Connor had sex with the only cop with a working vagina and it turned out he actually wasn't bad-looking naked. Then Connor and the Kurgan have a great messy fight that makes property insurance salesman squirm, and Connor wins.

He does? So then he gets the Prize?

Yeah, and it sucks.

Bet it doesn't.

Well, if it did, then Connor could pimp it out for blow jobs and it might end up being useful.

Wait, what is it again?

I think Connor sums it best when he's getting it and he screams, "The Quickening overcomes me! I know everything! I am everything!"

What the hell does that even mean?

It means you're really Christopher Lambert.

WHAT?! I am not!

I wasn't going to tell you until you turned eighteen, but ... well, here's the paperwork. If you want to go off on your own and star in a string of B-movies, I'll understand.

I am not Christopher Lambert! You ... you take that back!

Fine, live in denial. Watch me care.

Oh, can we just get to the characters already?

Sure, Mr. Lambert. Whatever you say.

Oh, bite me.

Maybe later. Owe you one?

Connor MacLeod ... An Immortal who's contractually bound to point out that he's a member of the Clan MacLeod when he introduces himself regardless of the fact that we could have figured that out already from the last name. Is played by Christopher Lambert, who has a kid with Diane Lane, who's engaged to Josh Brolin, who was once in a movie with a Corey, and there ends today's round of Six Degrees of Haim & Feldman.

Brenda J. Wyatt ... A forensic specialist, which -- for those of you with difficulty figuring out large words -- means that she's like Marg Helgenberger on CSI without the past as a stripper. (I think.) Is played by Roxanne Hart, who once portrayed Danny Bonaduce's mother in a made-for-TV movie and deserves to be reminded of that over and over again until the end of time.

The Kurgan ... A hulking, evil bastard who's got a cooler sword than Connor, better lines, the prospect of bringing about eternal darkness and despair if he wins the Prize ... wait, why are we supposed to root for Connor again? Played by Clancy Brown, who once did a voice on a post-apocalyptic video game along with Tony Shalhoub, Richard Dean Anderson, Keith David, Richard Moll, and Ron Perlman, thereby exempting him from ever being thought of as uncool by anyone, and that's on my orders. So there.

Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez ... An Egyptian Immortal with a Spanish name and the thickest Scottish accent in the whole bloody -- oh, just go with it, everybody else seems to be. Played by Sean Connery, who once did a movie entirely in his underwear, unlike all those other movies he's done where the twenty-year-old model had to strip and offer him sex first.

Heather MacLeod ... Connor's incredibly awesome wife who has the good common sense to get to him before he cut his hair and started making horrible fashion choices. Is played by Beatie Edney, who came back to be in Endgame, a job for which I can only assume blackmail was involved.

Sunda Kastagir ... Token black Immortal and Connor's booze-carting buddy who drags him off for a little pre-Gathering drunken orgy, and thanks a lot for not showing me that, movie. Sheesh. Is played by Hugh Quarshie, who played Professor Galt on the new series of The Tomorrow People, which unfortunately is only important to me and Hugh Quarshie.

Okay, time to ramble. Exactly where the hell did Connor get that crappy accent?

I know it was supposed to make him sound like a man of the world, but actually that is the official accent of the third house of the left on the main drag of what's commonly referred to as New East Bumblefuck in the glorious kingdom of the United States of People-Who've-Had-Their-Tongues-Removed-By-Pirates.

Is it true that there were no attractive wrestlers in the '80?

Yes, it's true. To be a wrestler, you were stuffed into unfortunately small spandex panties, doused in oil, dropped on your head several times, fitted with an overgrown mullet dipped in bleach, and shaved by a blind man. If by the end of this, you still had some small shred of dignity left, the World Wrestling Federation signed you up before you could make a run for it.

So, I guess Connor started to think about battle at the fight because Scottish warfare is a lot like wrestling.

Well, sure, but without the dismemberment.

Okay, without as much dismemberment.

Hey, if you take a page from the TV show and figure out that Immortals can sense pre-Immortals, and the Kurgan knew Connor was a pre-Immortal before he ever even got close enough to sense it, then how did he know?

I could answer that by saying that the Kurgan, in a fit of wisdom and insightfulness, read the fuckin' script, but instead I spent that entire sequence in awe of the Kurgan's fashionably evil taste in hats.

Why does everybody in this movie listen to Queen?

That's a stupid question, and I refuse to answer it.

Why? Because Queen got the rights for the soundtrack and that's why?

No, because everybody listens to Queen and I won't have the possiblity that there are people who don't listen to Queen discussed in my presence.

That fight in the alleyway that the helicopter interrupted was something, huh?

Yeah, really. All dialogue spoken by Christopher Lambert should end with someone banging his head against a pipe.

I like Connor's funny-shaped room o' antiquities. How do you think he got himself a room like that?

I'd say he went to his realtor and asked if he had any houses where he could pretend to be a gainfully employed Barbara Eden, but since he supposedly bought the house in the 1700s ... eh, never mind.

Why did Ramirez and Connor kept fighting in the most remote spots in Scotland?

Aside from the fact that the director just had this extra helicopter lying around, there was also the storytelling aspect in which ... er, well, I suppose it really helps with that whole practice thing when you climb a mountain, fight with your opponent, whack the sword from his hand, and watch it tumble down the mountain where you two bozos have to go back and get it. Or something.

When Ramirez was standing on the beach directly behind Connor and making some crack about "feeling the stag," exactly which land speed record did the porn break in getting to your skull?

Damned if I know. I'll have to look that up.

So, how many different pairs of uber-'80s earrings did Brenda own, anyway?

The whole friggin' collection, man, from the gigantic plastic triangles to the huge plastic squares.

So, exactly what level of Hell do you end up on if you lick a priest?

You want me to make an altar boy joke, don't you?

Well, I sure as hell don't want to do it!

I don't think we really have to, now.

Oh, thank goodness. So, what exactly does Connor MacLeod look for a woman?

Well, let's see. First off, there's the ability to scream at such a level as to shatter eardrums at a thousand paces. That's a definite turn-on. Then of course, there's the inability to leave the immediate vicinity during times of imminent danger, guilt-inducing use as a kidnapping victim, and most importantly, bared hooters.

Why exactly does Connor have so much stubble when we know for a fact that he owns a sharp blade?

Probably because all those flashbacks cut in on his shaving time.

So, the Prize. Let's review again. It's not a pony, right?

No, it's not.

And it's not something really useful, like a wallet that always has the exact amount of money you need anytime you open it?

Alas, no. But hey, now Christopher Lambert knows what you're thinking about when you masturbate.

Well, that's not a problem. I'm usually thinking of him.

HA! I knew it.

But if I'm him, and I'm thinking of him when I masturbate --

Uh.

Uh.

EW.

Would you excuse me? *runs off to lobotomize myself with a melon baller*

*maniacal cackle* I knew that'd drive her to the brink. Now to go read Knight Moves slash to Corey Feldman ...

*whistles a jaunty tune, saunters off*