apocalypsos | (no subject)

On ESPN2 is this show called I'll Do Anything. I don't know what the hell these people are playing for, but so far, I can tell they're playing to win something for someone else.

The current players are all these young blond airheads. They've been given props and costumes and have to act out a monologue from four sports movies -- Any Given Sunday, On the Waterfront, Fields of Dreams, and Caddyshack.

The one who's supposed to be doing the Caddyshack Dalai Lama speech prides herself on her musical theater degree and keeps telling her highly annoyed father that she doesn't want it to sound anything like Bill Murray. The one doing Marlon Brando's Waterfront speech is forcibly prying out all the New Yorkisms to the aggravation of her mother. The one doing the Field of Dreams dialogue is reading so badly an eight-year-old is giving her direction.

I want to hit all of these girls with whichever sports equipment is available.

EDIT: If the Caddyshack chick isn't found bludgeoned to death later on for performing in such a fucking perky tone of voice, there's no justice in the world.

AIRHEADED MORON OF EDIT: Oh. They're cheerleaders. Now I get it.

Or, you know, not.

OH, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK: The Field of Dreams chick thought she was performing Amy Madigan's part when she was really performing James Earl Jones's part. *sigh* I suppose seeing "Terence" in the script would throw anyone off.

OH, NOW I GET IT: The whole point is that these cheerleaders are playing so that their relatives can get their sports fantasies. The one girl's father wants to play Pebble Beach with Jack Nicklaus.

Is it bad I kind of wish I had a relative who was a pro cheerleader so they could win and I could learn how to shoot from Michael Jordan? 'Cause seriously, if I could do anything in regards to sports, getting basketball tips from Michael Jordan would be at the top of the list, as lame and dated as that wish might be.