Spoilers ahoy, as per usual

[apocalypsos]

Phantom of the Opera: A Review in Q&A Form

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Hey, come on. Wake up, man.

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This isn't funny.

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Oh, Magic Voice ... I got Sawyer and Shannon to make out just for you-oooooooooooooooo ...

--*snortgrumble*donwannawakeupdonwatchLostanywaydumbasszzzzzzzzzzzzz--

Yeah, sure you don't. How about Sawyer and Sayid naked and writhing --

EEE! I'm awake! I'm awake! Where are the molesting castaways?

*snerk* Well, they're sure as hell not here.

Can we go where they are?

Not unless you develop an interdimensional portal to --

*smack* Here. Done. Can we go now?

You developed interdimensional travel in eleven seconds?

Sawyer and Sayid were making out! It was an emergency!

Well, good. Now that you're awake, we can review a movie.

Which movie?

Phantom at the Opera.

I'm going back into the coma.

Oh, you were not in a coma.

I was, too. It was horrible. I was bored out of my mind. Did you know you can't even play Solitaire when you're unconscious? The cards get stuck in your hair.

You know what? I don't think I want to know.

Okay, but do we have to talk about Phantom of the Opera? Can't we talk about something I want to talk about?

Sorry, we already talked about Sawyer and Sayid.

Damn. I shouldn't have played my Porn Reference Card so soon, huh?

I'd say so.

Okay, fine, let's talk about the movie. But just so you can get it off your chest, did you learn anything from the trailers you saw today?

Well, according to the Ice Princess trailer, if you're good at physics, you can be a champion skater. This is great, because I looked it up and because I know how to bake chocolate chip cookies, I'm qualified to work in a nuclear missile silo!

Anything else?

Yeah, I want to know if anybody else has the urge to bring a towel with them when they go to see The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

I do! I do!

Yeah, but you're not going.

Damn. Good point. So what's this movie about anyway?

Oh, you know, the usual. Girl sings in the opera house. Nutty stalker sings in the opera house. Boring rich guy sings in the opera house. On the up side, people burst into song at the sensation of a good stiff breeze like they're supposed to in musicals. On the down side, apparently Edna Mode never explained the 'no capes' rule to these guys.

Wait, I don't go to the opera. Who the hell's in this yodelfest, anyway?

The Phantom ... Deformed musical genius living under the Paris Opera House. Suffers from a severe case of EBFI, which is a very serious medical term meaning "extremely batshit fucking insane." Little-known fact: No one ever told the Phantom that with a sexy black face mask, a chest-baring shirt, and the right amount of sanity, he could bring the term "booty call" to a whole new level for the 19th century.

Christine ... The beautiful orphan with the lovely singing voice whose only flaw is her appalling taste in men. Has a daily schedule which involves two hours of sleeping, two hours of dancing, one hour of singing lessons, a half an hour of pining gorgeously in candlelight, five minutes for food, and about eighteen hours to individually curl every strand of hair on her head. Little-known fact: While most people can be easily entranced by shiny objects dangled in front of them, Christine is easily entranced when you dangle a sewer-dwelling psychotic in front of her.

Raoul ... The dashing vicomte who falls for Christine, like you do. Please read "dashing" as "dull beyond all human comprehension and perhaps even the comprehension of higher life forms from other far-off galaxies." Little-known fact: When you grab onto Raoul's ankles and neck and twist in opposite directions, dirty dishwater comes out.

Madame Giry ... Secretive lady in charge at the opera house. Portrayed by Miranda Richardson, meaning that she might not have been evil in this movie, but she'll probably be twice as evil in the sequel. (If there ever is a sequel, and if people don't stop going to this one, don't think Schumacher won't dig one up.) Little-known fact: Drew the short straw during the script readthrough, so was allowed to be the only French character with a French accent in Paris.

Carlotta ... The opera house's bitchy diva. Is either portrayed by Minnie Driver or the best damn female impersonator I've seen all year, although I will point out that I have yet to see Gael Garcia Bernal in drag. Little-known fact: As photographic evidence proves, Carlotta likes to spend her free time hunting and skinning Muppets and Care Bears for her outerwear.

Meg Giry ... Madame Giry's blonde, adorable but otherwise useless daughter. Is mostly just a sounding board for Christine to whine to about how her life is so horrible because she can't decide between the handsome musical genius and the sweet vicomte, and I'm sure Meg must love that. Little-known fact: Unbeknownst to her mother and co-workers at the opera house, fights crime in Townsville with her two sisters under the code name "Bubbles". What? You think I'm kidding?

Time to ramble, you. What do you think of the quote from Ebert's review which said, ""Batman Forever" was the best of the Batman movies"?

Well, I was going to blame it on bad taste or hard core drug use, but now I just think it's terminal stupidity.

But ... but ... but the sets were awesome!

You don't have to tell Minnie Driver that. She chewed so much of the scenery, she's going to be awfully upset when she finds out how fattening it was.

Boy, Mr. I-Wear-A-Glorified-Pore-Cleansing-Strip has a monster set of balls to call Raoul a 'slave to fashion', huh?

I know. But then again, if Raoul had bangs instead of sideburns, he'd have my haircut.

So what are Christine's choices again?

Okay, her options look a little like this.

A.) Live in the sewers with the Phantom, who's extremely batshit fucking insane and thinks kidnappings with peppy soundtracks are a solid basis for a relationship.
B.) Marry Raoul and be rich and secure for the five weeks you'll live before you keel over of boredom.
C.) Realize that if you look like Emmy Rossum and your only choices seem to be insane or dull, you might as well just sit in front of your full-length mirror and stare at yourself while you masturbate.

And which option did she choose again?

Surprisingly enough, it wasn't C.).

Is there an option D where Emmy Rossum goes to Joel Schumacher and asks for Colin Farrell's home phone number? And then they go to a hotel and do naughty stuff?

Alas, no.

Damn.

I know! And thank you oh-so-much for putting that porn in my head.

Huh. That really didn't sound all that sarcastic.

That's because it wasn't. Thank you. Really.

Why would Christine follow the creepy man in the mask down a secret hallway into a sewer filled with the Stalker Starter Kit?

Because it would be good for her music career. DUH.

So, the Phantom ... he's real ugly, huh?

If you consider some hair loss and a small patch of scarring that much of a deterrent when it comes to fucking a man who looks like Gerard Butler.

How does the Phantom's mask stay on?

Oh, didn't you know? Insanity's adhesive. Go ahead, go up to the nearest mental hospital and bring a pack of stickers. It's hours of good, old-fashioned fun!

How many times during the movie does Christine make the Spontaneous Orgasm Face?

Three, and all of them were when the Phantom was dripping great big piles of extremely batshit fucking insane all over her.

Well, what'd she do when Raoul walked into the room?

Breathe through her mouth, mostly.

Did anybody bother to mention to the Phantom that there are lots of other girls in the world, and some of them actually get off on guys with skin conditions and tenuous grips on reality?

Obviously not, considering his fixation with Christine and her awful taste in men.

But Christine and Raoul end up escaping and getting married and all that romantic rot, right?

Oh, sure. And according to that nice little flash-forward that bookends the movie, they pop out at least one little rugrat. I can only hope that the lack of personality skips a generation.

So how's Christine fifty years later?

Decomposing.

You mean, like Raoul's been doing for the past fifty years?

Exactly. But look on the bright side, because he's got a kickass costumed nurse, and from the looks of her, he's either got a thing for the Flying Nun or he just likes his servants to wear gigantic paper airplanes on their heads.

So what did you learn from this movie?

Well, I learned that if I'm ever being stalked by a psycho, I'm going to keep those warbled declarations on love on city rooftops to a bare minimum. Mmm-hmm.

Comments

[vivian-shaw.livejournal.com]

You make the Cynic's eyeliner run. Thank you for that; it was delightful.

[azurelunatic]

Now I've got to see it.

[alexislogain.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure I squeeled in the movie theater when I finally placed The Phantom as being Gerard Butler. And, you know, as creepy and royally fucked up as he was, I would have done him. Seriously.

...Yeah, insane. Totally.

[velocityboy.livejournal.com]

they should make film versions of every horrible operetta, if only you solemnly promise to make them funny.

[sabra-n.livejournal.com]

You have no idea how much seeing this at the top of my f-list brightened my day. :) I had a Sarcastic Voice of my own running through my head when I watched the stage production, and I think I was 13 at the time. But anything involving deformed mad opera singing instructors kind of begs for that treatment, doesn't it?

-blue

[the-lizard-rat.livejournal.com]

Just as 2_gryphon has his Rants (http://www.ranting-gryphon.com/rants.htm), you have these. You've got to do more of them! Start up a website with these kinds of reviews, not just for movies but for books and things as well!

*is still laughing over reading this*

Lizard Rat out.
Silly in New Haven CT

[miladygrey.livejournal.com]

How about if we watch Gerard Butler be EBFI-And-Still-Doable, and then we watch Sayid and Sawyer wrestling naked in the sand? Best of both worlds, works for me.

[penmage.livejournal.com]

I just got back from seeing this movie, and this was just what I needed, because, OMG so true? Yeah.

[franticgoddess.livejournal.com]

Dude, Christine= Holy Heaving Bosoms Batman! Jesus Christ. They aren't even that big. Every scene, open your eyes as WIDE as you can, don't ever close your mouth, and heave those bosoms like you're working hard. Yep.

Despite how much this movie sucked, I think I might have liked it. Possibly just for the pretty. Don't know if I'd watch it again though.

In other news, the whole Phantom cries to his cymbol playing monkey is weird. I want to know why this monkey is so much comfort to him. Scares the crap out of me.