Deadly Harvest: Part Three
Mar. 14th, 2005 09:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosTime for part three of Deadly Harvest, because otherwise I'll have to pound it out tonight, and dude, Medium is on tonight. Part one is here and part two is here.
We start with Frank Wilcox and his flunkies setting up a roadblock. By the way, did I mention there's only two flunkies? All he's got are Geraint Wyn Davies and some dope with a John Deere hat, what looks like one rifle for the three of them, and they've also set up the roadblock on the most solitary dirt road on the planet. This is like a practice roadblock, right? They're doing this in somebody's driveway to prepare for when they finally hire another goon and can roadblock with the big boys, right? Right?!
Oh, God, it's a real roadblock. Which you can tell, because here comes Charles and Gleeful Dad. Oh, suddenly the crappy movie is all about you, isn't it? At the roadblock, Geraint Wyn Davies doesn't recognize the car but figures they must be locals. In other things I didn't mention, Charles and Gleeful Dad are driving a Caddy. You know, like you do, if you're a starving farmer.
Charles decides to run the roadblock. On a soundtrack, the synthesizer wails a mournful, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" By the way, the synthesizer music in this movie? Fucking brilliant. Someone somewhere needs an award for this, if only because you deserve an award for repeatedly slamming your forehead into opposite ends of a keyboard.
Gleeful Dad wants to know why Charles would want to run the roadblock, and he hisses, "Because we have food in the car!" Dude, do I know where you're coming from. If I were driving my mom's new Mini-Cooper, and I just made a run through the Long John Silver's drive-thru window, and my mother was at that roadblock, a synthesizer version of "Pedal to the Metal" would come on the soundtrack and I'd start driving through the frickin' sewers for escape.
So Charles turns off into a field -- in a Caddy? Oh, this'll turn out well -- and Wilcox and his mini-posse follow in their pickup trucks. Oh, no, Charles can't control the Caddy! Who could have seen this coming? So Charles in his car and Wilcox & Mini-Posse in their pickup trucks skid around the field, followed by ominous synthesizer music that could easily have been replaced with the Benny Hill music at this point.
Finally, the mini-posse corners Charles and Gleeful Dad and yank them from their cars. What are they doing there? Why, they're there for a nice ride in the barren wasteland of the freezing-cold midsummer country. It's beautiful out here! See that amazing naked baby rolling down the street on its starvation-swelled belly? Gorgeous! (Hi, you don't know me, but I'm going to Hell. *waves*) The mini-posse decide to search the car, and of course, they find that huge bounty of a loaf o' bread, a container o' milk, and a stick o' butter. They tell the mini-posse who gave them food, and Geraint Wyn Davies goes fucking apeshit again. Damn it, he needs that food to feed his childish fits of temper!
Gleeful Dad decides to fight back as they take the food away. Okay, everybody who called dibs on this scene for the "Gleeful Dad keels over from a strategically plotted heart attack," you win the raffle. Here's your handmade quilt, and here's your basket of muffins. At the time he keels over, by the way, Geraint Wyn Davies is struggling with him, and as he slumps to the ground, GWD's pretty, pretty eyes fill with ANGSTANDWOE. Look! His full, pouty lips are in shock!
Charles bends over to check Gleeful Dad, then begs the others for help. "What's the matter with him?" Wilcox says. Shut up, Wilcox. Fuck you and your massive pile of sandwiches. Now the rest of the posse decides to look guilty as they help Gleeful Dad into the car so Charles can drive him to the hopital. What, it's okay to threaten them with guns but bad to cause myocardial infarctions? Do you know a myocardial infarction is? No, of course you don't, because starvation has made you rock-fucking-stupid.
Oh, wait. Before Charles gets in to drive off, he says, "Of anything happens to him --" "What do you want us to do?" Wilcox says. Mostly, I want you to get rickets, scurvy, pellabra, and beriberi all at once. "We didn't do anything. Isn't that right?" Charles resists the urge to point out that all of the food fell to the ground during the struggle ("Have fun licking the dirt from your loaf of bread, asstards!") and drives off to get Gleeful Dad to a hospital. Geraint Wyn Davies stares after them, the ANGSTANDWOE making his lips swell. "Well, we all have to go sometime, kid," Wilcox says. Great. When are you leaving?
Meanwhile, back in the car, Charles swears he'll take Gleeful Dad to the hospital. Yes, I'm sure he'll appreciate that. Gleeful Dad opens his mouth really wide a couple of time and complains, "Hard ... to breathe ..." Outside, the entire world is bright yellow. Dude, hard ... to see ...
Charles yammers on at Gleeful Dad, but there's no answer. As the synthesizers play the Mournful Dirge of Giddy Papas, Charles skids to a stop and looks in the backseat. Oh, no, Gleeful Dad has turned into a zombie! And he eats Charles's head and bad haircut, then terrorizes the entire county. The end.
Kidding! He's just dead. Had you there, didn't I? In any event, Charles takes a moment to decide whether to cry over his father's passing or be filled with vengeful rage, and vengeful rage wins by a bad haircut.
Off in another part of town, Geraint Wyn Davies drives his truck. ANGSTANDWOE decides to join in on the soundtrack on percussion.
Aaaaaaand back to Charles, who's driving back to the city, I'm assuming with his dead father's corpse in the back seat. Oh, that is so the wrong way to get in the carpool lanes. Charles slows down the car to watch as people waiting in line at a food distribution center riot when an employee announces there's no food today. I'd also like to point out that the "Center" on the front of the building is spelled "Centre" and the employee is German. ... the hell?! What fucked-up alternate dimension is this? It can't decide whether to be Canada, Minnesota, London, or downtown Berlin.
Back at the farm, Mom and Kim Cattrall are doing the dishes. Mom asks how things are going at Kim Cattrall's new farm with Dorky Fiance, and she proudly announces that Dorky Fiance just finished making the bed. She probably meant that in a carpentry sort of way, but all I can think is, "How many weeks has it taken him? 'Cause if it's only taken him weeks ... well, he's got me beat on that time limit." Mom and Kim Cattrall talk about they both hope Geraint Wyn Davies and Dorky Fiance become friends one day. Oh, sure, that'll happen, the same day I buy a pig-crap-proof umbrella. Kim Cattrall hopes nothing will spoil her wedding day. What, you mean like worldwide famine?
And it's off to Charles's house now, where his wife and kids are playing what looks like the results of a Parcheesi/Monopoly love affair. Prissy Mom tells the kids to be happy because Charles has come home and he'll bring them food. Shut up, asshat. You don't know that yet. The oldest boy lugs in the sick daughter as Charles arrives. "Did you bring me some food, Daddy?" Sick Kid simpers. Charles says no, but he promises to. Prissy Mom whines, "Promise? How can you promise them anything? You know there's nothing!" Hey, you were promising them a big dinner five seconds ago. Go suck on another lemon or have your face tugged back another half-inch or whatever it is you do to cheer up.
A thought suddenly occurs to Charles, in much the same way that a bucket of slime over his head would occur to Charles. "The black market," he says. "I'll have to try the black market." The way he says it, by the way, indicates not that he's going to go downtown and look for a guy with an overcoat full of Dinty Moore, but that he's about to go looking for the most evil supermarket in all creation. What, it's never occurred to him before to try Walmart?
Back at Charles's office, Charles is trying to bribe some creepy guy complete with Hans the Burly Arm-Crossing Bodyguard for some food. He gives the guy his wife's pearls and his stock portfolio, but Creepy Guy's not buying. Charles offers his business, his house, and his paintings, and I'm sorry, but I'm starting to lose any sympathy I have for you, Charles. Creepy Guy rubs it in that he stocked up food and Charles stocked up gold and you can't eat gold. Well, you could, I guess, but it doesn't exactly taste very good. Charles blurts out that he knows where there's food, because there's going to be a wedding, and he wants half of any food they get. Oh, Charles. Creepy Guy, Hans the Burly Arm-Crossing Bodyguards, and Hans's gigantic lapels are all interested.
Next up: Dorky Fiance becomes Dorky Husband. Better open up all those wedding presents before they rot. Or moo.
We start with Frank Wilcox and his flunkies setting up a roadblock. By the way, did I mention there's only two flunkies? All he's got are Geraint Wyn Davies and some dope with a John Deere hat, what looks like one rifle for the three of them, and they've also set up the roadblock on the most solitary dirt road on the planet. This is like a practice roadblock, right? They're doing this in somebody's driveway to prepare for when they finally hire another goon and can roadblock with the big boys, right? Right?!
Oh, God, it's a real roadblock. Which you can tell, because here comes Charles and Gleeful Dad. Oh, suddenly the crappy movie is all about you, isn't it? At the roadblock, Geraint Wyn Davies doesn't recognize the car but figures they must be locals. In other things I didn't mention, Charles and Gleeful Dad are driving a Caddy. You know, like you do, if you're a starving farmer.
Charles decides to run the roadblock. On a soundtrack, the synthesizer wails a mournful, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" By the way, the synthesizer music in this movie? Fucking brilliant. Someone somewhere needs an award for this, if only because you deserve an award for repeatedly slamming your forehead into opposite ends of a keyboard.
Gleeful Dad wants to know why Charles would want to run the roadblock, and he hisses, "Because we have food in the car!" Dude, do I know where you're coming from. If I were driving my mom's new Mini-Cooper, and I just made a run through the Long John Silver's drive-thru window, and my mother was at that roadblock, a synthesizer version of "Pedal to the Metal" would come on the soundtrack and I'd start driving through the frickin' sewers for escape.
So Charles turns off into a field -- in a Caddy? Oh, this'll turn out well -- and Wilcox and his mini-posse follow in their pickup trucks. Oh, no, Charles can't control the Caddy! Who could have seen this coming? So Charles in his car and Wilcox & Mini-Posse in their pickup trucks skid around the field, followed by ominous synthesizer music that could easily have been replaced with the Benny Hill music at this point.
Finally, the mini-posse corners Charles and Gleeful Dad and yank them from their cars. What are they doing there? Why, they're there for a nice ride in the barren wasteland of the freezing-cold midsummer country. It's beautiful out here! See that amazing naked baby rolling down the street on its starvation-swelled belly? Gorgeous! (Hi, you don't know me, but I'm going to Hell. *waves*) The mini-posse decide to search the car, and of course, they find that huge bounty of a loaf o' bread, a container o' milk, and a stick o' butter. They tell the mini-posse who gave them food, and Geraint Wyn Davies goes fucking apeshit again. Damn it, he needs that food to feed his childish fits of temper!
Gleeful Dad decides to fight back as they take the food away. Okay, everybody who called dibs on this scene for the "Gleeful Dad keels over from a strategically plotted heart attack," you win the raffle. Here's your handmade quilt, and here's your basket of muffins. At the time he keels over, by the way, Geraint Wyn Davies is struggling with him, and as he slumps to the ground, GWD's pretty, pretty eyes fill with ANGSTANDWOE. Look! His full, pouty lips are in shock!
Charles bends over to check Gleeful Dad, then begs the others for help. "What's the matter with him?" Wilcox says. Shut up, Wilcox. Fuck you and your massive pile of sandwiches. Now the rest of the posse decides to look guilty as they help Gleeful Dad into the car so Charles can drive him to the hopital. What, it's okay to threaten them with guns but bad to cause myocardial infarctions? Do you know a myocardial infarction is? No, of course you don't, because starvation has made you rock-fucking-stupid.
Oh, wait. Before Charles gets in to drive off, he says, "Of anything happens to him --" "What do you want us to do?" Wilcox says. Mostly, I want you to get rickets, scurvy, pellabra, and beriberi all at once. "We didn't do anything. Isn't that right?" Charles resists the urge to point out that all of the food fell to the ground during the struggle ("Have fun licking the dirt from your loaf of bread, asstards!") and drives off to get Gleeful Dad to a hospital. Geraint Wyn Davies stares after them, the ANGSTANDWOE making his lips swell. "Well, we all have to go sometime, kid," Wilcox says. Great. When are you leaving?
Meanwhile, back in the car, Charles swears he'll take Gleeful Dad to the hospital. Yes, I'm sure he'll appreciate that. Gleeful Dad opens his mouth really wide a couple of time and complains, "Hard ... to breathe ..." Outside, the entire world is bright yellow. Dude, hard ... to see ...
Charles yammers on at Gleeful Dad, but there's no answer. As the synthesizers play the Mournful Dirge of Giddy Papas, Charles skids to a stop and looks in the backseat. Oh, no, Gleeful Dad has turned into a zombie! And he eats Charles's head and bad haircut, then terrorizes the entire county. The end.
Kidding! He's just dead. Had you there, didn't I? In any event, Charles takes a moment to decide whether to cry over his father's passing or be filled with vengeful rage, and vengeful rage wins by a bad haircut.
Off in another part of town, Geraint Wyn Davies drives his truck. ANGSTANDWOE decides to join in on the soundtrack on percussion.
Aaaaaaand back to Charles, who's driving back to the city, I'm assuming with his dead father's corpse in the back seat. Oh, that is so the wrong way to get in the carpool lanes. Charles slows down the car to watch as people waiting in line at a food distribution center riot when an employee announces there's no food today. I'd also like to point out that the "Center" on the front of the building is spelled "Centre" and the employee is German. ... the hell?! What fucked-up alternate dimension is this? It can't decide whether to be Canada, Minnesota, London, or downtown Berlin.
Back at the farm, Mom and Kim Cattrall are doing the dishes. Mom asks how things are going at Kim Cattrall's new farm with Dorky Fiance, and she proudly announces that Dorky Fiance just finished making the bed. She probably meant that in a carpentry sort of way, but all I can think is, "How many weeks has it taken him? 'Cause if it's only taken him weeks ... well, he's got me beat on that time limit." Mom and Kim Cattrall talk about they both hope Geraint Wyn Davies and Dorky Fiance become friends one day. Oh, sure, that'll happen, the same day I buy a pig-crap-proof umbrella. Kim Cattrall hopes nothing will spoil her wedding day. What, you mean like worldwide famine?
And it's off to Charles's house now, where his wife and kids are playing what looks like the results of a Parcheesi/Monopoly love affair. Prissy Mom tells the kids to be happy because Charles has come home and he'll bring them food. Shut up, asshat. You don't know that yet. The oldest boy lugs in the sick daughter as Charles arrives. "Did you bring me some food, Daddy?" Sick Kid simpers. Charles says no, but he promises to. Prissy Mom whines, "Promise? How can you promise them anything? You know there's nothing!" Hey, you were promising them a big dinner five seconds ago. Go suck on another lemon or have your face tugged back another half-inch or whatever it is you do to cheer up.
A thought suddenly occurs to Charles, in much the same way that a bucket of slime over his head would occur to Charles. "The black market," he says. "I'll have to try the black market." The way he says it, by the way, indicates not that he's going to go downtown and look for a guy with an overcoat full of Dinty Moore, but that he's about to go looking for the most evil supermarket in all creation. What, it's never occurred to him before to try Walmart?
Back at Charles's office, Charles is trying to bribe some creepy guy complete with Hans the Burly Arm-Crossing Bodyguard for some food. He gives the guy his wife's pearls and his stock portfolio, but Creepy Guy's not buying. Charles offers his business, his house, and his paintings, and I'm sorry, but I'm starting to lose any sympathy I have for you, Charles. Creepy Guy rubs it in that he stocked up food and Charles stocked up gold and you can't eat gold. Well, you could, I guess, but it doesn't exactly taste very good. Charles blurts out that he knows where there's food, because there's going to be a wedding, and he wants half of any food they get. Oh, Charles. Creepy Guy, Hans the Burly Arm-Crossing Bodyguards, and Hans's gigantic lapels are all interested.
Next up: Dorky Fiance becomes Dorky Husband. Better open up all those wedding presents before they rot. Or moo.
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Date: 2005-03-14 03:45 pm (UTC)*snorts* Aaaand we have our favorite line!