(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

Okay, so who wants to read about the dumbass at our front counter today?

Most of you know I work for DHL Express, the bastard underdog of the shipping industry. I think I have to say the phrase, "DHL Express ... you know, it's like Fed Ex and UPS" over the phone at least once a day. Not that I expect anybody to know that, since they didn't really advertise until last year and then suddenly DHL ads were EVERYWHERE.

I do, however, expect people to be able to tell "UPS" from "DHL". Or at the very least, red and yellow from brown and yellow.

So the story starts with a lady who comes into the office with a UPS door tag in her hand. She walks up to the counter, hands me the door tag, and declares that "they told me to come here to pick up my package."

What I'm thinking: "That's lovely, miss. Are 'they' dyslexic?"
What I end up saying: "Uh, this is a UPS door tag. We're DHL."

Simple and to the point.

I get, "*blank stare, then* ... my address is 123 Yadda Yadda Lane, Alexandria ..."

What I'm thinking: "Is this some sort of magic spell I don't know about that suddenly teleports companies across town?"
What I end up saying: "Ma'am, we don't have UPS packages here. Do you have a DHL tracking number?"

The woman glares at me as if I'm just intentionally hiding her package somewhere and shoves a business card at me. Scribbled on the back --

What I'm thinking: "Is this a phone number? Or maybe a deformed Social Security number?"
What I end up saying: "Uh, ma'am, our tracing numbers don't have dashes."

The woman sighs dramatically and says she'll call "them" to find out the tracking number. I tell her that I've got something to do while she does that and to just ring the bell to get my attention.

Five minutes of loud female talking later, I hear, "WILL SOMEBODY HELP ME HERE PLEASE?"

*sigh* My office officially needs more cowbell.

So I wander back, and she produces a tracking number for -- you guessed it -- UPS.

What I'm thinking: "I love these! They look like what would happen if a typewriter sneezed!"
What I end up saying: "Ma'am, this is a UPS tracking number. We're DHL."

The woman huffs and puffs -- and yes, for once, that's literal.

Woman: "Well, they told me to come here."
Me: "Yes, but this isn't UPS, so your package isn't here. The local UPS station is on Eisenhower."
Woman: *grits teeth* Yes, I know that, but they said my package is here."
Me: "... well, it's not."
Woman: "Is there a UPS in this building?"
What I'm thinking: "Not unless there's some sort of space/time continuum malfunction I haven't been aware of."
What I'm also thinking: "You'd think the gigantic DHL on the wall behind me would be a hint."
What I'm also also thinking: "Yes, in my pants."
What I'm also also also thinking: "Yes. UPS is the new Starbucks."
What I'm also also also also thinking: "Words look really weird after you've spelled them a bunch of time. 'Also'. Hmm. Weird."
What I end up saying: "No."
Woman: "But they said my UPS package was here."
What I'm thinking: *brain breaks, shatters into a million pieces, and falls to the ground as I wonder if she actually heard herself say that out loud*
What I end up saying: "Who's 'they'?"
Woman: *makes fussy noises all of a sudden and leaves*

... all righty, then.

Comments

[elessar.livejournal.com]

Wow, that was one retarded customer. You think she'd get it after the "we're not UPS, we don't CARRY UPS packages." but no. *sigh* What is the world coming to?

[florahart]

Bahahahaha.

On the plus side, she isn't your colleague. Because just THINK ho horrifying it would be to face her every day!

[channonyarrow.livejournal.com]

Is anyone other than me thinking that "they" forgot to tell this woman that "they" had moved the secret society's meeting place and that the new password was not "they said my package was here"?

Of course, reading this, if I were a secret society that this woman tried to join, I'd do the same thing.

[cavalaxis]

This belongs in either mock_the_stupid or customers_suck. Spectacular....

[fortuna-juvat.livejournal.com]

You're totally not getting that secret package from the Illuminati now. They use "dumbass code" to throw off the government.

[stvnsangel.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain! Some people just think you have these Batman connections and are too braindead to follow along with the conversation. Then you start wondering how you can manage to have more intelligent conversations with four year olds than grown men and women, lol.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

I've been told the wrong thing before. "You need to talk to billing" is the most common example. But when billing says they cannot help me, they cannot help me.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

I -did-. I finally had to report her to the boss for harrassment. (She had the raging hallucinations that my lunch was actually three lunches, spread out over time)

[lots42.livejournal.com]

At the flea market, the four year olds tend to be more -polite- then the adults.

[anne-jumps.livejournal.com]

I'd say both.

[corruptedjasper.livejournal.com]

Of course, when Billing says talk to Marketing, Marketing says talk to Technical, and Technical says go to Billing, it's time for the "I'm not fucking leaving here until this is solved, *you* figure out who to call." routine. Customers may suck, but so do companies.

[illmantrim.livejournal.com]

*dies*
You get all the fun ones!

[sleepyaardvark.livejournal.com]

What I end up saying: "Who's 'they'?"

You know... *whispers* ... THEM! *winks knowingly*