apocalypsos | Random thoughts ...

I think there should be a "Growing Pains" board game, if only so that I can melt the little plastic Leonardo DiCaprio before he takes film roles.

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You know what would make me watch "Big Brother"? A pinata. Hang the pinata, give the meanest guy a stick, put blindfolds on everybody, then spin everybody around as someone quietly takes down the pinata. I'd be bouncing around the living room squeaking, "Beating death! Beating death!"

And whoever loses gets to go home. Okay, to intensive care, but still ...

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Every time I watch a talk show with those extremely physically deformed kids, I get the feeling I'd be a horrible mother, if only because all I can think is, "Oh, man, am I too optimistic for that job."

Seriously. I'd always see the good side of it, you know? Like if I had a kid with two heads. I'd be thinking, that's so cool! Halloween alone would be worth it, and when they're really little, I can go all out before they know what's going on. First year, they can be testicles, the second year I'll tie a bra around their heads, put pink makeup on 'em, they can be breasts -- they'll love it!

Kid had three legs, I'd be thinking, Great! One less thing for me to do at summer picnics. "Three-legged race? Whoo. Finally, I can sit. No, Timmy's fine. Run, baby!"

And you know how so many babies are born every year with a tail? I would have so much fun with that! It'd give that airplane game an entirely new point of view! "Mommy, swing me!" "Okay, kiddo!" Of course, the only problem with that is, one day with clammy hands and the kid ends up two counties away. "Bobby! Flap your arms, baby! *sighs happily* I knew that webbing would come in handy eventually."

See what I mean?

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I think one of my favorite telemarketing calls I ever did was when I got a woman who told me she couldn't take the Visa I was shilling because she didn't believe in credit cards. I just kinda casually laughed and said, "Oh, I assure you, ma'am, they exist. I've seen them."

It took her a minute to figure out whether or not I was kidding. Hee. Good times.

A friend of mine once got into this conversation on the phone with someone. Woman on the other end of the line got pissed and asked, "Why are you being such an asshole?"

"Why are you?"

"Are you calling me an asshole?"

*dramatic pause* "Yes."

*user giggles* Sometimes telemarketing was more fun than it should have been.

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You know what would be funny? If the next time I get pulled over for speeding, and the cop comes up to my window and asks me if I know how fast I was going, I turn to him with my eyes closed and say, "No, silly, that would be cheating."