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apocalypsosAnd now I bring you part three of the Poseidon Adventure recap. I hear eventually that the ship is going to flip over, but that could just be a dirty rumor.
The Poseidon Adventure
Part Three
We return to our story to find that Dylan has dragged Acre down to the sewage area to film. Ewww. Kid, get a hobby. A real hobby. One without giant tanks of human waste in it. Dylan tells Acre how cool this all is, and Acre garbles something past a pair of cheap vampire teeth about this being crew alone and they have to hurry. Dylan's response is to tell Acre that he's going to climb the tank and film Acre ... I don't know, sucking the sewage from the tank with a straw or something. And again, ewwwww.
Acre isn't sure that will look right on film, and Dylan scrambles over the tank as he says something about how Spielberg did the same thing in the second Indiana Jones movie, even though that one sucked. And even though I agree, what this movie really needs right now is for Short Round to pop out of a dark corner and kick this kid's ass. Dylan starts filming, and Acre hams it up, cackling like Dracula and waving around the white sheet he's wearing as a cape, and I'm sorry, but isn't this man employed? You know, as something other than this kid's poor tablecloth-wearing drudge?
Anyway, as Dylan looks at his camera, he spots a dead body lying behind one of the sewage tanks Acre's standing next to. Oh, no! Realistic makeup effects?! How did those get in the shot?
We come back from commercials to find Robocaptain, Adam Baldwin (YAY!), and the security officer talking over the body. Robocaptain asks Adam Baldwin (YAY!) if he's seen anybody like this (apparently Random Middle Eastern Guy and pals ripped the mechanic's face off, which ... dudes, you couldn't just steal his wallet?), and he says, only on land. Security Officer says that without a uniform and a face, they won't be able to ID him. And then they make a big deal about not telling the passengers but making a master list of all of the people missing from work shifts and zzzzzzz. Somebody hand Adam Baldwin (YAY!) a gun. That always wakes me up.
Up at Steve Guttenberg's state room, Guttenberg sits on a deck chair typing on a laptop as Robocaptain makes an announcement that there's going to be a storm tonight and we're going to have an emergency drill just to prepare for anything weird, like penguins attack with nuclear weapons or a giant lemon meringue pie falling from the sky or the boat suddenly flipping upside down. Mom enters and declares they need to talk, then slams his laptop shut when he won't answer and says that there's been a murder on board and Dylan found the body. Guttenberg laughs it off, saying Dylan's always making these things up, although I doubt he goes so far as to magically make a sea monster or Angelina Jolie in a thong appear like he did with this bullshit "dead body" claim. Oh, wait, Mom says she's seen the body.
Immediately contrite (everybody, all together now ... "Oh, Guttenberg"), Guttenberg asks if Dylan's all right and where he is, like, thanks, DAD. Mom does not say what I would be horribly amused to hear, which is, "I left him with his real father, the dining room steward." Instead, she tells him that Dylan's showing the authorities his video. "The whole thing?" Guttenberg asks gravely. Mom points out it's the closest thing to evidence they have. She says they have to get Dylan's ID and go get him together, and Guttenberg says they need to talk first. "If it's about your girlfriend, I already know," Mom snaps. OOO. Burn! Guttenberg's face falls, which considering the size of his cheeks and jowls these days takes ten minutes and requires a safety harness and a parachute.
And it's off to go see Adam Baldwin (YAY!), Robocaptain, and Security Officer again. This time, they're all on the bridge, where Robocaptain and Security Officer (who will a funny nickname just as soon as he does something that warrants one, like stealing Adam Baldwin's (YAY!) boxers and selling them on eBay) tell Adam Baldwin (YAY!) that after a careful tally of the ship's very pissed-off passengers, six people are missing. Robocaptain claims this is not a surprise, considering the whole safety drill thing, but seriously, six? Sounds like a lot to me. And just when I thought making they should start putting little bells on the crew or something, the phone rings, and Security Officer answers and tells the others that five of the missing have been found, then reveals that the dead man is a ship's mechanic from Sydney, Australia.
Adam Baldwin (YAY!) wants to know what they know about him, and Security Officer informs them that Dead Mechanic had a wife and three kids, sailed on Poseidon from day one, and has a spotless record. Well, hell, how about his astrological sign while you're at it, Mr. I-Don't-Know-Who-The-Dead-Guy-Is? Robocaptain then says he has to go to the captain's table, and Adam Baldwin (YAY!) sends him on his merry way to go keep up appearances.
In his bunk, Random Middle Eastern Guy is reading a book (see, you can tell they're terrorists when they read for pleasure instead of filming vats of sewage for kicks) when he gets an email on his laptop that says, "Trident 10:00 P.M." Trident, by the way, is the code word for "Poseidon go BOOM!", so, you know ... subtle.
Off at Steve Guttenberg's state rooms, we rejoin our parental argument, apparently still in progress. Guttenberg claims that Mom wanted "this" all along and didn't have the guts to say it. Wait, which part? The divorce, or for him to have a one-night stand with a skanky blonde masseuse? Offended, Mom claims that she supports this family. Guttenberg says that he just wanted to be with someone who didn't think he was the biggest loser she ever met. Mom responds by telling him to get out of their rooms this instant, to which Guttenberg asks where the hell he's supposed to go. Well, you could always bunk in a lifeboat, although those won't make for good sleeping quarters in a few hours. And hey, the mechanic's rooms are free, so there's that.
Instead, Mom tells him that he should go to stay with "Magic Fingers" -- *snickers* -- since he's already been going there every chance he gets. So, not a one-night stand, then? Eww. Pissed, Guttenberg stomps off and flings open the front door to the state room, only to be confronted with a weepy-eyed Dylan. Whoops. Guttenberg's Parent of the Year award disappears into the night as it runs off to join the circus, much as an upset Dylan runs off to ... I don't know, go lie under one of the boilers and miss those regular beatings on the playground or something. Guttenberg looks back at Mom like this is all her fault, resulting in me literally yelling, "Oh, Guttenberg" in the comfort of my own home.
Meanwhile, elsewhere on the ship, Random Middle Eastern Guy's randomly Middle Eastern pals are all getting paged with that "Trident 10:00 P.M." message. I'm sorry, how many people does it take to set up some fucking explosives around here again?
Off in the land of adulterers and perky tramps, Guttenberg knocks on Perky Blonde's door and, once she enters, declares a change of plans. "I thought New Year's Eve was family night," she says sarcastically, making me want to shove the champagne bottle Guttenberg reveals next into an uncomfortable place like the back seat of her Volkswagen. He pours them both champagne before announcing that he thought he'd move in the rest of the trip. How sweet of you to ask, Guttenberg. Sheesh.
Back on the bridge, Adam Baldwin (YAY!) says they need to investigate two guys he doesn't name. When Security Offficer asks him why, he says that he was a cop for a long time before joining Homeland Security and you play out all obvious leads to the end. Hell, I learned that from Law and Order reruns. Security Officer says that he's coming with Adam Baldwin (YAY!), then grabs the duty roster to find out where these two guys they want to find (who I presume are randomly Middle Eastern ... just a hunch) are at.
In his room, Random Middle Eastern Guy takes a handgun from a leather case (where the hell was he hiding that thing?) and tucks it into his pants, covering it with his vest. In the kitchens, two of his pals share a suspicious glance. *sigh* I miss random upheavals of the sea bed, don't you?
And it's off to the ballroom, where among the revelers are acrobats dangling from the ceiling from long pieces of fabric and walking between the tables waving scarves in the air. Hey, nobody said anything about this voyage being sponsored by Cirque du Soleil. Shelby and C. Thomas Howell watch from the sidelines, all flirty and boring, because that's what you do when your little brother found a corpse and ran off.
Off in the kitchens, Adam Baldwin (YAY!) and Security Officer spot Random Middle Eastern Guy's two buddies talking about something. They head over as one walks away, and the one that walks away head off to look furtively at the timer for the bomb and then there's some more terrorist stuff and mostly I just hope you've all hugged an extreme rise in the sea level due to geological disturbance today.
We head back to the ballroom, where the notorious ugly metal Christmas tree is standing in the middle of the room. Ick. Doesn't look any less cheap and stupid in white, either, but since they can't go and get a fifty-foot fir tree in the middle of the Indian Ocean, I guess I have to let it slide. Robocaptain makes a speech about how they'll be some of the first people in the world to celebrate the New Year and then makes some reference to those of whom "the love bug done bit ya." Yeah, let's never be snarky and cute again, Robocaptain. However, at that, Bryan Brown gives Trophy Wife a peck on the cheek, which is kind of cute. Robocaptain says he's also available to speak at weddings -- thanks, but no thanks -- then leads everybody in a toast. Everybody wishes each other a Merry Christmas, except for those assholes in the crowd who can be heard wishing others a Happy Holidays (what other holidays? There's only one, damn it, or there will be after the revolution) and one crazy person who seems to be just making shit up as they can be heard to be wishing people a Happy Hanukkah. Bah! Christmas Forever! Viva la Revolucion! Except, you know, without the French catchphrase, those commie bastards. (Irritated by Christmastapos lately? No, of course not. Why do you ask?)
Elsewhere, the terrorists are checking their watches. Now, now. You know what they say -- a watched ship never explodes.
One of the terrorists walks onto the bridge with a tray and announces that dinner is served. He puts the tray down and removes a gun with a silencer from under a napkin, then turns to the nearest officer. Poor Soon-To-Be-Dead Officer asks, "What are you doing?" And here's to another actor getting his SAG card, as Tea Tray shoots him in the chest. This is the cue for everybody in the bridge to flip right the fuck out, up until the point where Tea Tray shoots them. Heh. It's no "It's an enormous wall of water!", but considering my infatuation with fictional people firing guns, yay! Finally, plot I can get behind. Tea Tray follows all of this fun shooting stuff by turning around and flipping off switches left and right.
Another one of the random Middle Eastern guys heads into the kitchens and toys with one of the specially marked Kegs-Go-BOOM. (Well, really, what else do you expect me to call them?)
Elsewhere, Adam Baldwin (YAY!) and Security Officer trail the terrorist with the timer into the depths of the ship with as little stealth as possible. That's okay, though, because after all, it's not like this guy has access to explosives or anything. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) and Security Officer lean around a corner to see Detonator Guy putting Kegs-Go-BOOM next to one of the walls, which I believe is right next to the hull. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) wonders what he's up to, just as Detonator Guy peels a tab off a Keg-Go-BOOM, which must be some international sign for OMGWTFBOMB!, considering the fact that Adam Baldwin (YAY!) immediately darts around the corner and points a gun at him. Detonator Guy looks terrified for all of about a second before glancing down at the detonator three feet away. "Don't do it," Adam Baldwin (YAY!) warns. Honestly, Detonator Guy, if you have to be warned he'll shoot you before you get there, you really need to access the IMDb and check out his resume. Dude can fuck your shit up, y'all, which is exactly what he proceeds to do when Detonator Guy makes a grab for his preciooooous.
So now Detonator Guy's all dead, and Adam Baldwin (YAY!) and Security Officer run over to check out the scene. Security Officer asks in a polite, bad-dialogue kind of way what the hell Adam Baldwin's (YAY!) damage is, because Detonator Guy was just playing with a keg of beer. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) asks Security Officer how many kegs he's seen with an infrared port -- oh, so that's what that tab thingy is supposed to be -- then takes apart the detonator and tells Security Officer it's a Keg-Go-BOOM. Security Officer is all, "A bomb?! Let's shoot it!" as he takes his gun out of whatever magical pocket dimension he's been hiding it in so far. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) tells him to stay put and don't touch anything, as he's off to go find Detonator Guy's kitchen buddy.
Meanwhile, back in the kitchens, Detonator Guy's kitchen buddy is arming the bomb and setting himself up to get all blown up along with it. Hurry, Adam Baldwin (YAY!)! Use your powers of teleportation!
All of a sudden ('cause bombs are all about the "all of a sudden") ... BOOM!
Then we're treated to a shot of the outside of the ship, where an explosion rips through the aft of the ship on the port side ahead of the propellers under the water line. Let me tell you exactly what I did when I saw this. I put my head in my hands and I said out loud, "I didn't want to kill anyone today!" That is what I said, for the record.
Anyway, we then see Adam Baldwin (YAY!) getting jostled by the explosion as he stands on the stairwell, his gun falling below as he ... wait a second. First you tempt me with the thought that if I wasn't getting a tidal wave, I'd get to see Adam Baldwin (YAY!) chase bad guys around a sinking ship with a gun, and now you take the fucking gun away? Dear disaster movie gods, no more virgin sacrifices to you if you're not going to listen to what I'm asking for during the opening prayer ceremony, got that?
In the ballroom, the acrobats fall screaming to the dance floor, and I don't think I can be held accountable for giggling at that. Robocaptain calls out for C. Thomas Howell, and for some inexplicable reason, we immediately cut to Perky Blonde's room, where the aforementioned homewrecker and a naked Steve Guttenberg are lying in bed together when the explosion shakes the ship. GYAH. Thank God I'm drinking, because I did not need to see that. Remember when he was cute for about five minutes in the mid-eighties? That was nice. Can I see some dead bodies now, 'cause this naked thing is warping my brain.
The kitchens fill with water. You know, like you do.
In the ballroom, C. Thomas Howell races to check on the acrobats (you can almost hear the leather creak) as Robocaptain calls the bridge. Unfortunately, no one answers, since they're all chock full o' bulletholes. Tea Tray sits against a wall, puts the gun up to his head, and ... kerflooey! Ah, blood splatter. The home interior's worst nightmare.
Mom and Dylan race over to Shelby. Mom asks where Guttenberg is -- hey, princess, don't you remember sending his ass off for some jolly rogering on the high seas? -- and obviously, Shelby has no friggin' clue where he is. Mom tells her about the murder, then says they should stick together. Yeah, wait ten minutes. That sticking together thing might not work out so well.
Back in Perky Blonde's cabin -- and I'm going to be recapping these scenes with my eyes closed until I've got solid proof there's some sort of clothing involved here -- Guttenberg and Perky Blonde discuss what's happening and decide that if something were really wrong, the bells would be clanging.
Robocaptain tells Hi, I'm the Purser! that he's not getting an answer from the bridge and he's going up to see what the hell's going on. Hi, I'm the Purser! is about as flustered as he can be, but says he'll watch over everybody while Robocaptain goes up to the bridge. Robocaptain stalks off and is walking up the ballroom stairs to leave when Random Middle Eastern Guy comes out of the crowd, pulls his gun, and shoots Robocaptain in the back. Back at my apartment, I take five minutes to go back into the kitchen to count how many bottles of Smirnoff I have left. Half a case? Excellent, because after that slice of WTF?!, I'm going to need every goddamn one, quite possibly within the next ten minutes.
Then we get a nice dose of slow motion as everybody notices the spreading patch of blood on Robocaptain's white uniform. I miss Leslie Nielsen. How is that possible? Anyway, Robocaptain keels over as Adam Baldwin (YAY!) shows up in the kitchens and looks out at Random Middle Eastern Guy, who starts waving his gun around and ordering everyone to stay down. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) comes into the room during the chaos and gives Random Middles Eastern Guy the officially licensed will-be-fucking-your-shit-up-starting-yesterday glare.
Off to the hole in the hull, and Jesus Christmas, I want to punch someone. There's a big gaping breach in the hull, and when I say big, I mean you could drive a pair of Mack trucks through it. For the record, in the real world, the ship would fill in with water from a hole that big so fast that Random Middle Eastern Guy wouldn't have been able to give Robocaptain that shiny new chest ventilation. The ship would have started to pull down towards the ass end from the weight of that much water, like Titanic except backwards, and the rest of the movie would take about twenty minutes. I cannot for the life of me figure out the physics of the ship rolling over from this kind of damage unless there's some cool new way of putting in watertight compartments that go from bow to props that I'm not aware of. I'm sorry, was I venting again? Because if I don't vent, I'm going to call James Cameron and make him beat this screenwriter up, and if I had James Cameron's phone number, I'd be much more inclined to fake dirty phone calls just 'cause.
Back in the ballroom, Random Middle Eastern Guy's still waving his gun around, and Adam Baldwin (YAY!) and Aunt Phyllis have resolved to take this motherfucker out. You know, if this were Ladyhawke-era Rutger Hauer, I would sell my left arm simply to stand in that three feet of space between them. Not much is making me happy right now, okay? My expectations are few and far between.
Elsewhere, Bryan Brown and Trophy Wife watch as Faux Red puts a round votive candle on the table and lets it roll across the tabletop into his lap. He points out the obvious, that the ship is sinking. Excuse me while I sit here and grit my teeth for five minutes.
Adam Baldwin (YAY!) whispers instructions of the you-go-right-I'll-go-left kind to Aunt Phyllis, then grabs a butter knife. The ship groans. I don't think it likes this fucking movie any more than I do. Everybody looks up at the creaks and moans, including Shelby, who's apparently abandoned her family to go stand next to C. Thomas Howell.
In Perky Blonde's cabin, I don't have my eyes open, but I assume there's making out with shocked understanding as the ship starts to list to port.
I can pretty much describe the scenes that follow as "Everything falls to the left." People in the ballroom? To the left. People in the kitchen? To the left. Guttenberg's jowls and questionable morals? To the left! There is one cool shot, I'll allow, of the water in the swimming pool on the top of the ship tilting to the side and spilling out its contents, which .. heh.
And then it's just CHAOS! Trophy Wife falls and screams. Shelby falls and screams, but grabs onto a table before she falls all the way.. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) falls and screams, although alas, when he does, it's not "YAY!" There's lots of furniture and people flying around the place. Somewhere, a guy who designs miniature sets for Hollywood is patting himself on the back right now.
Finally, the boat stops rolling, and we see a shot of Acre and company in one of the kitchens all flustered and upside-down. Meanwhile, in the ballroom, Random Middle Eastern Guy is lying on what used to be the ceiling with the gun still in his hand. I shit you not. Because I don't know about you, but the last time I was holding people hostage on a sinking ship, and the damn thing started flipping over, my immediate thought was not, "Fuck, I'd better grab onto something!", it was, "Egads! I must save my weapon!"
And to top off the references to the original, we see the tree still dangling from what's now the ceiling as some guy hanging from the secured tables lets go and falls into the stained glass in what's now the floor.
Next up in Part Four: Well, I won't be beating up the screenwriter, I know that much. No matter how much I would dearly love to.
Part Three
We return to our story to find that Dylan has dragged Acre down to the sewage area to film. Ewww. Kid, get a hobby. A real hobby. One without giant tanks of human waste in it. Dylan tells Acre how cool this all is, and Acre garbles something past a pair of cheap vampire teeth about this being crew alone and they have to hurry. Dylan's response is to tell Acre that he's going to climb the tank and film Acre ... I don't know, sucking the sewage from the tank with a straw or something. And again, ewwwww.
Acre isn't sure that will look right on film, and Dylan scrambles over the tank as he says something about how Spielberg did the same thing in the second Indiana Jones movie, even though that one sucked. And even though I agree, what this movie really needs right now is for Short Round to pop out of a dark corner and kick this kid's ass. Dylan starts filming, and Acre hams it up, cackling like Dracula and waving around the white sheet he's wearing as a cape, and I'm sorry, but isn't this man employed? You know, as something other than this kid's poor tablecloth-wearing drudge?
Anyway, as Dylan looks at his camera, he spots a dead body lying behind one of the sewage tanks Acre's standing next to. Oh, no! Realistic makeup effects?! How did those get in the shot?
We come back from commercials to find Robocaptain, Adam Baldwin (YAY!), and the security officer talking over the body. Robocaptain asks Adam Baldwin (YAY!) if he's seen anybody like this (apparently Random Middle Eastern Guy and pals ripped the mechanic's face off, which ... dudes, you couldn't just steal his wallet?), and he says, only on land. Security Officer says that without a uniform and a face, they won't be able to ID him. And then they make a big deal about not telling the passengers but making a master list of all of the people missing from work shifts and zzzzzzz. Somebody hand Adam Baldwin (YAY!) a gun. That always wakes me up.
Up at Steve Guttenberg's state room, Guttenberg sits on a deck chair typing on a laptop as Robocaptain makes an announcement that there's going to be a storm tonight and we're going to have an emergency drill just to prepare for anything weird, like penguins attack with nuclear weapons or a giant lemon meringue pie falling from the sky or the boat suddenly flipping upside down. Mom enters and declares they need to talk, then slams his laptop shut when he won't answer and says that there's been a murder on board and Dylan found the body. Guttenberg laughs it off, saying Dylan's always making these things up, although I doubt he goes so far as to magically make a sea monster or Angelina Jolie in a thong appear like he did with this bullshit "dead body" claim. Oh, wait, Mom says she's seen the body.
Immediately contrite (everybody, all together now ... "Oh, Guttenberg"), Guttenberg asks if Dylan's all right and where he is, like, thanks, DAD. Mom does not say what I would be horribly amused to hear, which is, "I left him with his real father, the dining room steward." Instead, she tells him that Dylan's showing the authorities his video. "The whole thing?" Guttenberg asks gravely. Mom points out it's the closest thing to evidence they have. She says they have to get Dylan's ID and go get him together, and Guttenberg says they need to talk first. "If it's about your girlfriend, I already know," Mom snaps. OOO. Burn! Guttenberg's face falls, which considering the size of his cheeks and jowls these days takes ten minutes and requires a safety harness and a parachute.
And it's off to go see Adam Baldwin (YAY!), Robocaptain, and Security Officer again. This time, they're all on the bridge, where Robocaptain and Security Officer (who will a funny nickname just as soon as he does something that warrants one, like stealing Adam Baldwin's (YAY!) boxers and selling them on eBay) tell Adam Baldwin (YAY!) that after a careful tally of the ship's very pissed-off passengers, six people are missing. Robocaptain claims this is not a surprise, considering the whole safety drill thing, but seriously, six? Sounds like a lot to me. And just when I thought making they should start putting little bells on the crew or something, the phone rings, and Security Officer answers and tells the others that five of the missing have been found, then reveals that the dead man is a ship's mechanic from Sydney, Australia.
Adam Baldwin (YAY!) wants to know what they know about him, and Security Officer informs them that Dead Mechanic had a wife and three kids, sailed on Poseidon from day one, and has a spotless record. Well, hell, how about his astrological sign while you're at it, Mr. I-Don't-Know-Who-The-Dead-Guy-Is? Robocaptain then says he has to go to the captain's table, and Adam Baldwin (YAY!) sends him on his merry way to go keep up appearances.
In his bunk, Random Middle Eastern Guy is reading a book (see, you can tell they're terrorists when they read for pleasure instead of filming vats of sewage for kicks) when he gets an email on his laptop that says, "Trident 10:00 P.M." Trident, by the way, is the code word for "Poseidon go BOOM!", so, you know ... subtle.
Off at Steve Guttenberg's state rooms, we rejoin our parental argument, apparently still in progress. Guttenberg claims that Mom wanted "this" all along and didn't have the guts to say it. Wait, which part? The divorce, or for him to have a one-night stand with a skanky blonde masseuse? Offended, Mom claims that she supports this family. Guttenberg says that he just wanted to be with someone who didn't think he was the biggest loser she ever met. Mom responds by telling him to get out of their rooms this instant, to which Guttenberg asks where the hell he's supposed to go. Well, you could always bunk in a lifeboat, although those won't make for good sleeping quarters in a few hours. And hey, the mechanic's rooms are free, so there's that.
Instead, Mom tells him that he should go to stay with "Magic Fingers" -- *snickers* -- since he's already been going there every chance he gets. So, not a one-night stand, then? Eww. Pissed, Guttenberg stomps off and flings open the front door to the state room, only to be confronted with a weepy-eyed Dylan. Whoops. Guttenberg's Parent of the Year award disappears into the night as it runs off to join the circus, much as an upset Dylan runs off to ... I don't know, go lie under one of the boilers and miss those regular beatings on the playground or something. Guttenberg looks back at Mom like this is all her fault, resulting in me literally yelling, "Oh, Guttenberg" in the comfort of my own home.
Meanwhile, elsewhere on the ship, Random Middle Eastern Guy's randomly Middle Eastern pals are all getting paged with that "Trident 10:00 P.M." message. I'm sorry, how many people does it take to set up some fucking explosives around here again?
Off in the land of adulterers and perky tramps, Guttenberg knocks on Perky Blonde's door and, once she enters, declares a change of plans. "I thought New Year's Eve was family night," she says sarcastically, making me want to shove the champagne bottle Guttenberg reveals next into an uncomfortable place like the back seat of her Volkswagen. He pours them both champagne before announcing that he thought he'd move in the rest of the trip. How sweet of you to ask, Guttenberg. Sheesh.
Back on the bridge, Adam Baldwin (YAY!) says they need to investigate two guys he doesn't name. When Security Offficer asks him why, he says that he was a cop for a long time before joining Homeland Security and you play out all obvious leads to the end. Hell, I learned that from Law and Order reruns. Security Officer says that he's coming with Adam Baldwin (YAY!), then grabs the duty roster to find out where these two guys they want to find (who I presume are randomly Middle Eastern ... just a hunch) are at.
In his room, Random Middle Eastern Guy takes a handgun from a leather case (where the hell was he hiding that thing?) and tucks it into his pants, covering it with his vest. In the kitchens, two of his pals share a suspicious glance. *sigh* I miss random upheavals of the sea bed, don't you?
And it's off to the ballroom, where among the revelers are acrobats dangling from the ceiling from long pieces of fabric and walking between the tables waving scarves in the air. Hey, nobody said anything about this voyage being sponsored by Cirque du Soleil. Shelby and C. Thomas Howell watch from the sidelines, all flirty and boring, because that's what you do when your little brother found a corpse and ran off.
Off in the kitchens, Adam Baldwin (YAY!) and Security Officer spot Random Middle Eastern Guy's two buddies talking about something. They head over as one walks away, and the one that walks away head off to look furtively at the timer for the bomb and then there's some more terrorist stuff and mostly I just hope you've all hugged an extreme rise in the sea level due to geological disturbance today.
We head back to the ballroom, where the notorious ugly metal Christmas tree is standing in the middle of the room. Ick. Doesn't look any less cheap and stupid in white, either, but since they can't go and get a fifty-foot fir tree in the middle of the Indian Ocean, I guess I have to let it slide. Robocaptain makes a speech about how they'll be some of the first people in the world to celebrate the New Year and then makes some reference to those of whom "the love bug done bit ya." Yeah, let's never be snarky and cute again, Robocaptain. However, at that, Bryan Brown gives Trophy Wife a peck on the cheek, which is kind of cute. Robocaptain says he's also available to speak at weddings -- thanks, but no thanks -- then leads everybody in a toast. Everybody wishes each other a Merry Christmas, except for those assholes in the crowd who can be heard wishing others a Happy Holidays (what other holidays? There's only one, damn it, or there will be after the revolution) and one crazy person who seems to be just making shit up as they can be heard to be wishing people a Happy Hanukkah. Bah! Christmas Forever! Viva la Revolucion! Except, you know, without the French catchphrase, those commie bastards. (Irritated by Christmastapos lately? No, of course not. Why do you ask?)
Elsewhere, the terrorists are checking their watches. Now, now. You know what they say -- a watched ship never explodes.
One of the terrorists walks onto the bridge with a tray and announces that dinner is served. He puts the tray down and removes a gun with a silencer from under a napkin, then turns to the nearest officer. Poor Soon-To-Be-Dead Officer asks, "What are you doing?" And here's to another actor getting his SAG card, as Tea Tray shoots him in the chest. This is the cue for everybody in the bridge to flip right the fuck out, up until the point where Tea Tray shoots them. Heh. It's no "It's an enormous wall of water!", but considering my infatuation with fictional people firing guns, yay! Finally, plot I can get behind. Tea Tray follows all of this fun shooting stuff by turning around and flipping off switches left and right.
Another one of the random Middle Eastern guys heads into the kitchens and toys with one of the specially marked Kegs-Go-BOOM. (Well, really, what else do you expect me to call them?)
Elsewhere, Adam Baldwin (YAY!) and Security Officer trail the terrorist with the timer into the depths of the ship with as little stealth as possible. That's okay, though, because after all, it's not like this guy has access to explosives or anything. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) and Security Officer lean around a corner to see Detonator Guy putting Kegs-Go-BOOM next to one of the walls, which I believe is right next to the hull. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) wonders what he's up to, just as Detonator Guy peels a tab off a Keg-Go-BOOM, which must be some international sign for OMGWTFBOMB!, considering the fact that Adam Baldwin (YAY!) immediately darts around the corner and points a gun at him. Detonator Guy looks terrified for all of about a second before glancing down at the detonator three feet away. "Don't do it," Adam Baldwin (YAY!) warns. Honestly, Detonator Guy, if you have to be warned he'll shoot you before you get there, you really need to access the IMDb and check out his resume. Dude can fuck your shit up, y'all, which is exactly what he proceeds to do when Detonator Guy makes a grab for his preciooooous.
So now Detonator Guy's all dead, and Adam Baldwin (YAY!) and Security Officer run over to check out the scene. Security Officer asks in a polite, bad-dialogue kind of way what the hell Adam Baldwin's (YAY!) damage is, because Detonator Guy was just playing with a keg of beer. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) asks Security Officer how many kegs he's seen with an infrared port -- oh, so that's what that tab thingy is supposed to be -- then takes apart the detonator and tells Security Officer it's a Keg-Go-BOOM. Security Officer is all, "A bomb?! Let's shoot it!" as he takes his gun out of whatever magical pocket dimension he's been hiding it in so far. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) tells him to stay put and don't touch anything, as he's off to go find Detonator Guy's kitchen buddy.
Meanwhile, back in the kitchens, Detonator Guy's kitchen buddy is arming the bomb and setting himself up to get all blown up along with it. Hurry, Adam Baldwin (YAY!)! Use your powers of teleportation!
All of a sudden ('cause bombs are all about the "all of a sudden") ... BOOM!
Then we're treated to a shot of the outside of the ship, where an explosion rips through the aft of the ship on the port side ahead of the propellers under the water line. Let me tell you exactly what I did when I saw this. I put my head in my hands and I said out loud, "I didn't want to kill anyone today!" That is what I said, for the record.
Anyway, we then see Adam Baldwin (YAY!) getting jostled by the explosion as he stands on the stairwell, his gun falling below as he ... wait a second. First you tempt me with the thought that if I wasn't getting a tidal wave, I'd get to see Adam Baldwin (YAY!) chase bad guys around a sinking ship with a gun, and now you take the fucking gun away? Dear disaster movie gods, no more virgin sacrifices to you if you're not going to listen to what I'm asking for during the opening prayer ceremony, got that?
In the ballroom, the acrobats fall screaming to the dance floor, and I don't think I can be held accountable for giggling at that. Robocaptain calls out for C. Thomas Howell, and for some inexplicable reason, we immediately cut to Perky Blonde's room, where the aforementioned homewrecker and a naked Steve Guttenberg are lying in bed together when the explosion shakes the ship. GYAH. Thank God I'm drinking, because I did not need to see that. Remember when he was cute for about five minutes in the mid-eighties? That was nice. Can I see some dead bodies now, 'cause this naked thing is warping my brain.
The kitchens fill with water. You know, like you do.
In the ballroom, C. Thomas Howell races to check on the acrobats (you can almost hear the leather creak) as Robocaptain calls the bridge. Unfortunately, no one answers, since they're all chock full o' bulletholes. Tea Tray sits against a wall, puts the gun up to his head, and ... kerflooey! Ah, blood splatter. The home interior's worst nightmare.
Mom and Dylan race over to Shelby. Mom asks where Guttenberg is -- hey, princess, don't you remember sending his ass off for some jolly rogering on the high seas? -- and obviously, Shelby has no friggin' clue where he is. Mom tells her about the murder, then says they should stick together. Yeah, wait ten minutes. That sticking together thing might not work out so well.
Back in Perky Blonde's cabin -- and I'm going to be recapping these scenes with my eyes closed until I've got solid proof there's some sort of clothing involved here -- Guttenberg and Perky Blonde discuss what's happening and decide that if something were really wrong, the bells would be clanging.
Robocaptain tells Hi, I'm the Purser! that he's not getting an answer from the bridge and he's going up to see what the hell's going on. Hi, I'm the Purser! is about as flustered as he can be, but says he'll watch over everybody while Robocaptain goes up to the bridge. Robocaptain stalks off and is walking up the ballroom stairs to leave when Random Middle Eastern Guy comes out of the crowd, pulls his gun, and shoots Robocaptain in the back. Back at my apartment, I take five minutes to go back into the kitchen to count how many bottles of Smirnoff I have left. Half a case? Excellent, because after that slice of WTF?!, I'm going to need every goddamn one, quite possibly within the next ten minutes.
Then we get a nice dose of slow motion as everybody notices the spreading patch of blood on Robocaptain's white uniform. I miss Leslie Nielsen. How is that possible? Anyway, Robocaptain keels over as Adam Baldwin (YAY!) shows up in the kitchens and looks out at Random Middle Eastern Guy, who starts waving his gun around and ordering everyone to stay down. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) comes into the room during the chaos and gives Random Middles Eastern Guy the officially licensed will-be-fucking-your-shit-up-starting-yesterday glare.
Off to the hole in the hull, and Jesus Christmas, I want to punch someone. There's a big gaping breach in the hull, and when I say big, I mean you could drive a pair of Mack trucks through it. For the record, in the real world, the ship would fill in with water from a hole that big so fast that Random Middle Eastern Guy wouldn't have been able to give Robocaptain that shiny new chest ventilation. The ship would have started to pull down towards the ass end from the weight of that much water, like Titanic except backwards, and the rest of the movie would take about twenty minutes. I cannot for the life of me figure out the physics of the ship rolling over from this kind of damage unless there's some cool new way of putting in watertight compartments that go from bow to props that I'm not aware of. I'm sorry, was I venting again? Because if I don't vent, I'm going to call James Cameron and make him beat this screenwriter up, and if I had James Cameron's phone number, I'd be much more inclined to fake dirty phone calls just 'cause.
Back in the ballroom, Random Middle Eastern Guy's still waving his gun around, and Adam Baldwin (YAY!) and Aunt Phyllis have resolved to take this motherfucker out. You know, if this were Ladyhawke-era Rutger Hauer, I would sell my left arm simply to stand in that three feet of space between them. Not much is making me happy right now, okay? My expectations are few and far between.
Elsewhere, Bryan Brown and Trophy Wife watch as Faux Red puts a round votive candle on the table and lets it roll across the tabletop into his lap. He points out the obvious, that the ship is sinking. Excuse me while I sit here and grit my teeth for five minutes.
Adam Baldwin (YAY!) whispers instructions of the you-go-right-I'll-go-left kind to Aunt Phyllis, then grabs a butter knife. The ship groans. I don't think it likes this fucking movie any more than I do. Everybody looks up at the creaks and moans, including Shelby, who's apparently abandoned her family to go stand next to C. Thomas Howell.
In Perky Blonde's cabin, I don't have my eyes open, but I assume there's making out with shocked understanding as the ship starts to list to port.
I can pretty much describe the scenes that follow as "Everything falls to the left." People in the ballroom? To the left. People in the kitchen? To the left. Guttenberg's jowls and questionable morals? To the left! There is one cool shot, I'll allow, of the water in the swimming pool on the top of the ship tilting to the side and spilling out its contents, which .. heh.
And then it's just CHAOS! Trophy Wife falls and screams. Shelby falls and screams, but grabs onto a table before she falls all the way.. Adam Baldwin (YAY!) falls and screams, although alas, when he does, it's not "YAY!" There's lots of furniture and people flying around the place. Somewhere, a guy who designs miniature sets for Hollywood is patting himself on the back right now.
Finally, the boat stops rolling, and we see a shot of Acre and company in one of the kitchens all flustered and upside-down. Meanwhile, in the ballroom, Random Middle Eastern Guy is lying on what used to be the ceiling with the gun still in his hand. I shit you not. Because I don't know about you, but the last time I was holding people hostage on a sinking ship, and the damn thing started flipping over, my immediate thought was not, "Fuck, I'd better grab onto something!", it was, "Egads! I must save my weapon!"
And to top off the references to the original, we see the tree still dangling from what's now the ceiling as some guy hanging from the secured tables lets go and falls into the stained glass in what's now the floor.
Next up in Part Four: Well, I won't be beating up the screenwriter, I know that much. No matter how much I would dearly love to.
