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Sep. 30th, 2003 09:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosToday I read the summary of the "One Tree Hill" premiere. Why, I don't know. I think there was crack involved. (It may have been your crack. I'd check my stash, if I were you.)
Anyway, read the summary, which, for those of you looking for the Reader's Digest version, goes a little something like this ...
Lucas plays basketball. Nathan plays basketball. They have the same father, Dan, who's a jerk. When she got pregnant as a teenager, Dan left Lucas's mother, Karen, who is not rich and is therefore a minor saint. Then, considering that the boys are in presumably not far apart in school, he immediately walked out the front door and impregnated the first woman he saw with Nathan. Yeah, I don't get it, either. Oh, and also there's a cheerleader who listens to punk so she's Popular!Cool and Actually!Cool all at once and the quirky best friend girl and an uncle played by the guy in "A River Runs Through It" who wasn't Brad Pitt. The end.
Except that isn't the end, because it's a series and it's the WB and therefore there must be angst until someone in some decision-making capacity takes the show out back and shoots it so it doesn't give rabies to the little brother. Or something.
Ahem.
In any event, after reading the summary of Episode One of "One Tree Hill", I had a revelation. Ten bucks says I can predict the rest of Season One based solely on what I know of the writers at the WB after reading that summary.
Season One of "One Tree Hill", Based On How The WB Operates
So at the end of the first episode, you have Lucas joining the high school basketball team. Lucas and Nathan will clash at first, partly over basketball and partly over Peyton, who wants to be a Nirvana Anarchy Cheerleader when she grows up. Peyton will fall hard for Lucas, and this being a WB show and all, she'll be torn between Lucas, Nathan, and whatever family problem they decide to saddle her with. Nobody's a drunk yet. I'll lay odds on her mother being an absolute lush, since it evens out the lousy-parent-to-good-parent quotient on the show.
Somewhere along the way, Lucas and Nathan start to warm to each other. My guess is that he'll fall for Haley the Best Friend Girl, who will, of course, reject him like a platter of bad sushi.
Dan will have a fit about the friendship between Lucas and Nathan, which will bring them closer together in the grand time-honored tradition of slash-inspiring plot twists. Except, you know, it shouldn't, because Lucas and Nathan share DNA and ... oh, what the hell am I saying? Of course there will be slash. And Not!Brad Pitt will turn out to be Lucas's real father in all of it, just so instead of the slash being regular squicky, they can be first cousins and it can be elegant Regency-era-squicky instead.
So anyway, Lucas/Nathan snogging. Except not, because that's gross and warps the minds of little children. (Which hasn't stopped the WB from turning their Superman show into the slashiest thing this side of a "Xena" convention in San Francisco, but whatever.) There'll be some accident, of course, which we only wish will involve anvils falling on characters we loathe and despise. Guessing by the WB's track record, I figure if anvils were going to rain down on the setting on "One Tree Hill" at this point in the season, Anarchy Cheerleader's going to be desperately seeking an umbrella.
I'm guessing that when it comes to the Horrible Heartbreaking Accident Theory, the WB will go with Dan pissing Nathan off so that the kid goes off and gets plastered nine ways to Sunday. And he'll wander off to his car (but not before Lucas, Anarchy Cheerleader, and/or Best Friend Girl do everything to try to stop him short of leaping onto the hood of the car), and then he'll get in a horrible accident, and he'll survive. But he'll need a transplant. Kidneys, bone marrow, personality ... hell, I don't know what. There'll just be a desperate and vital need for Lucas to start scrounging up excess body parts. Yes, Nathan will need Lucas's body, though not in a gay way. (Although there will inevitably be stories where Lucas gives Nathan half his liver and helps him recuperate before having "It's Not Actually Incest, Honest!" sex under the bleachers. Which is, of course, the only place two high school basketball players would have sex with one another, ignoring the perfectly good Motel 6 down the street so that they can get caught and be publicly humiliated in their high school. Welcome to the WB.)
Where was I? Oh, yes, toying with Lucas's body. So his mother says no to the transplant deal, and Dan has to grow a spine and go beg to mooch internal organs off of Lucas. Karen relents, because she is not rich and a minor saint and lets Dan rifle through Lucas's innards for spare parts for Nathan. But Dan is a jerk, and as soon as the operation is over and he finds out Frankenstein!Nathan can't play basketball again, he tries to be Super-Dad with Lucas.
At this point, there will either be no one in the audience who would hold it against Lucas if he beat Dan to death with a garden house and an incontinent chimpanzee, or there will be no one in the audience, period. With the WB, it could go either way.
Oh, and there will be a pregnancy scare for either the Anarchy Cheerleader or Best Friend Girl, because it wouldn't be right if everybody involved didn't dredge up twenty-year-old grudges and whack them until they're unconscious every bloody week.
I predict that this will be the point in the first season -- then again, I appear to have strayed far into season three, if you can believe it -- when the horse rises from the dead, walks over to the phone, calls the animal abuse hotline, and demands the "One Tree Hill" writers stop beating it all the freaking time.
Go on, tell me that this plotline doesn't sound vaguely familiar.
Hee, this is fun. I need to do this with more shows.
Anyway, read the summary, which, for those of you looking for the Reader's Digest version, goes a little something like this ...
Lucas plays basketball. Nathan plays basketball. They have the same father, Dan, who's a jerk. When she got pregnant as a teenager, Dan left Lucas's mother, Karen, who is not rich and is therefore a minor saint. Then, considering that the boys are in presumably not far apart in school, he immediately walked out the front door and impregnated the first woman he saw with Nathan. Yeah, I don't get it, either. Oh, and also there's a cheerleader who listens to punk so she's Popular!Cool and Actually!Cool all at once and the quirky best friend girl and an uncle played by the guy in "A River Runs Through It" who wasn't Brad Pitt. The end.
Except that isn't the end, because it's a series and it's the WB and therefore there must be angst until someone in some decision-making capacity takes the show out back and shoots it so it doesn't give rabies to the little brother. Or something.
Ahem.
In any event, after reading the summary of Episode One of "One Tree Hill", I had a revelation. Ten bucks says I can predict the rest of Season One based solely on what I know of the writers at the WB after reading that summary.
Season One of "One Tree Hill", Based On How The WB Operates
So at the end of the first episode, you have Lucas joining the high school basketball team. Lucas and Nathan will clash at first, partly over basketball and partly over Peyton, who wants to be a Nirvana Anarchy Cheerleader when she grows up. Peyton will fall hard for Lucas, and this being a WB show and all, she'll be torn between Lucas, Nathan, and whatever family problem they decide to saddle her with. Nobody's a drunk yet. I'll lay odds on her mother being an absolute lush, since it evens out the lousy-parent-to-good-parent quotient on the show.
Somewhere along the way, Lucas and Nathan start to warm to each other. My guess is that he'll fall for Haley the Best Friend Girl, who will, of course, reject him like a platter of bad sushi.
Dan will have a fit about the friendship between Lucas and Nathan, which will bring them closer together in the grand time-honored tradition of slash-inspiring plot twists. Except, you know, it shouldn't, because Lucas and Nathan share DNA and ... oh, what the hell am I saying? Of course there will be slash. And Not!Brad Pitt will turn out to be Lucas's real father in all of it, just so instead of the slash being regular squicky, they can be first cousins and it can be elegant Regency-era-squicky instead.
So anyway, Lucas/Nathan snogging. Except not, because that's gross and warps the minds of little children. (Which hasn't stopped the WB from turning their Superman show into the slashiest thing this side of a "Xena" convention in San Francisco, but whatever.) There'll be some accident, of course, which we only wish will involve anvils falling on characters we loathe and despise. Guessing by the WB's track record, I figure if anvils were going to rain down on the setting on "One Tree Hill" at this point in the season, Anarchy Cheerleader's going to be desperately seeking an umbrella.
I'm guessing that when it comes to the Horrible Heartbreaking Accident Theory, the WB will go with Dan pissing Nathan off so that the kid goes off and gets plastered nine ways to Sunday. And he'll wander off to his car (but not before Lucas, Anarchy Cheerleader, and/or Best Friend Girl do everything to try to stop him short of leaping onto the hood of the car), and then he'll get in a horrible accident, and he'll survive. But he'll need a transplant. Kidneys, bone marrow, personality ... hell, I don't know what. There'll just be a desperate and vital need for Lucas to start scrounging up excess body parts. Yes, Nathan will need Lucas's body, though not in a gay way. (Although there will inevitably be stories where Lucas gives Nathan half his liver and helps him recuperate before having "It's Not Actually Incest, Honest!" sex under the bleachers. Which is, of course, the only place two high school basketball players would have sex with one another, ignoring the perfectly good Motel 6 down the street so that they can get caught and be publicly humiliated in their high school. Welcome to the WB.)
Where was I? Oh, yes, toying with Lucas's body. So his mother says no to the transplant deal, and Dan has to grow a spine and go beg to mooch internal organs off of Lucas. Karen relents, because she is not rich and a minor saint and lets Dan rifle through Lucas's innards for spare parts for Nathan. But Dan is a jerk, and as soon as the operation is over and he finds out Frankenstein!Nathan can't play basketball again, he tries to be Super-Dad with Lucas.
At this point, there will either be no one in the audience who would hold it against Lucas if he beat Dan to death with a garden house and an incontinent chimpanzee, or there will be no one in the audience, period. With the WB, it could go either way.
Oh, and there will be a pregnancy scare for either the Anarchy Cheerleader or Best Friend Girl, because it wouldn't be right if everybody involved didn't dredge up twenty-year-old grudges and whack them until they're unconscious every bloody week.
I predict that this will be the point in the first season -- then again, I appear to have strayed far into season three, if you can believe it -- when the horse rises from the dead, walks over to the phone, calls the animal abuse hotline, and demands the "One Tree Hill" writers stop beating it all the freaking time.
Go on, tell me that this plotline doesn't sound vaguely familiar.
Hee, this is fun. I need to do this with more shows.
slash
Date: 2004-01-28 11:54 am (UTC)But seriously anybody now about I site with some Lucas/Nathan slash fanfic??!!