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May. 13th, 2006 12:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosI'm supposed to be going to bed because my brother's graduation is in less than twelve hours. Instead, I'm watching more of this. I'm trying to excuse myself by saying I'm giving myself time so I don't go to bed with wet hair, but I ain't buyin' that any more than you people are.
House of Wax
Part One
Part Two
So it's the next morning, and Blake gets up and checks outside to discover that the sun's a wee bit bright for early morning. A quick check of his watch reveals that it's two-thirty in the afternoon and if they don't leave, they'll miss the big game. Blake promptly flips right the fuck out and starts shrieking that everybody needs to wake up so they can leave.
The next thing we see is the Buffoon asking Blake if he's seen his camera as Blake loads up the truck.-- and considering how pissy Elisha got about being filmed, maybe the Buffoon should double-check she didn't shove it up his ass -- right before Mayhem walks up carrying his folding chair and wearing a wifebeater. I don't make this shit up, people. He just does this on his own and doesn't expect mocking. It's almost adorable, really. The Buffoon asks Paddywhack and Mayhem if they've seen his camera, but they don't know where it could be. Did you leave it in the woods after you finished taping yourselves making out against an oak tree? Because that might be why he can't find it.
Off by a bush somewhere, Elisha is taking a leak while Paris stands around in a baby-blue jogging suit. You know how there are some colors you just know you look bad in, like even before you try them on, you can say, "Self, perhaps we should not purchase a color that makes us look like a deranged lobster wearing a Lhasa Apso pelt"? This is one of those times.
They start talking about Elisha moving and Paddywhack staying behind and more stuff I don't give a damn about, but all of a sudden, the wind picks up and there's that gross smell again. And no, Elisha's not downwind of Paris. Or Mayhem. Or Paddywhack's hair products. Uh, I think. Elisha says she thinks she knows where the smell is coming from and starts walking towards it. And no, she doesn't start walking towards Paris. Or Mayhem. Or Paddywhack's hair products. Didn't we have this discussion five sentences ago?
Paris protests going to look for it, but Elisha wants to see what it is. Considering her circle of friends in this movie, I'm not surprised the gross and disturbing attracts her.
Back at the cars, Paddywhack tries to start the Hot Wheels only to find out some belt under the hood is broken. Hell if I know which one. Mayhem and the Buffoon drink and laugh, because the Buffoon has no other settings and Mayhem's other settings include Fight, Fuck, Wed, Bad Hygiene, and Worse Hygiene. Paddywhack complains that the belt was brand new and "someone's fucking with [him]." Excuse me while I savor the sound of Paddywhack saying my favorite curse word on the planet.
*spontaneously orgasms*
Ahem.
Meanwhile, Paris continues to bitch and moan while Elisha claims that finding the source of that horrible, wretched smell will be fun. No, seriously, she says "fun." I don't know about you, but when I smell something bad, I don't expect to follow it and find candy and ponies. Then again, Mayhem's supposed to be Elisha's twin in this, so God only knows what her family reunions smell like.
Where was I? Oh, yes, following the bad smell and looking for Lucky Charms. Paris snipes, "I hate you," which if Paris Hilton said that to me would be taken as the highest of compliments. Elisha giggles at that, then proceeds to accidentally slide down an embankment right into a nasty giant puddle of dead gelatinous farm animals. So ... uh, there might be ponies in there, I guess.
Elisha screams and wails, mostly because she's stuck dangling with her hands pushing into the Stew O' Ponies and can't get out. There is nothing about this that's not disgusting, and that includes Elisha's second-week-of-deer-camp hair.
All of a sudden, Elisha sees a hand in the Stew O' Ponies and commences with the flipping out even more.
And now everybody else shows up, Paddywhack hauling Elisha out of the muck and Mayhem gagging and saying, "Yeah, that smells about right." Since I've been calling that thing the Stew O' Ponies, I don't exactly want to know what that smells about right for to Mayhem. Blake asks Paris if she's okay, which ... I'm sorry, but she's not the screaming girl covered in melted livestock, okay?
Paddywhack helps Elisha to her feet as a beaten-up old truck drives by, and Blake asks if that's the same truck from last night. "Not unless he fixed his headlight," Paddywhack says skeptically. Well, maybe he's an insomniac with lots of spare parts lying around and a strong desire not to get a ticket. You don't know.
The trucks backs up to the Stew O' Ponies, and some redneck in a baseball cap gets out. I'm tempted to call him Trucker Hat, but I'm pretty sure that's Mayhem's other roller derby name. Completely ignoring the gaggle of idiots standing on the other side of the Stew O' Ponies, Scary Redneck climbs into the truck bed and starts tossing pony bits into the muck. Oh, he does not. They're very recognizable chunks of whitetail deer, but you know what? Close enough.
Paddywhack gets the attention of Scary Redneck, and when he turns, Elisha asks, "Don't you see that?" She points to the hand and asks what it is. Uh, a hand? I'm good at this game. After tossing in another deer (Bambi, NOOOOO!), Scary Redneck wades into the Stew O' Ponies and grabs onto the hand to the delight of everybody else. And when I say "delight," I mean "dawning realization of bile rising in their throats."
Scary Redneck yanks at the hand and it comes right off, because it's too early in the movie for it to be anything but a dummy. "Need a hand?" he calls out. Like Larry the Cable Guy wasn't enough proof rednecks aren't funny. Nobody laughs -- surprise, surprise -- so Scary Redneck knocks on it to prove it's not real. Yes, thank you, Scary Redneck. Now if you could stop standing in the closest thing to a venison smoothie anybody in their right mind would ever want to see, my stomach would appreciate it.
Scary Redneck claims he found it on the side of the road a few weeks ago, then asks what everybody is doing around here. Paddywhack says they were camping nearby while Paris looks in her bag for water to clean Elisha's hands off. Dude, I think what you're looking for isn't a bottle of water, it's a Silkwood shower. The Buffoon walks up to the girls and asks if they've seen his camera. Unsurprisingly, Paris and Elisha stare at him as if he has Nerf tattooed across his forehead.
Paddywhack asks Scary Redneck if there's a gas station nearby because his fan belt broke, which Elisha just loves. Somehow I think the innards under the fingernails are worse, but that may be just me. Scary Redneck says there's a town fifteen miles away where he can get a fan belt, but Blake says they should just get one in Baton Rouge. "Man, there's no way I'm leaving my car," Paddywhack says. At least he said "car" instead of "ride," because God only knows what Mayhem-related crack I would have made.
"What if that guy from last night comes and strips it?" Paddywhack says. Okay, see, if he had said "ride" instead of "car," that line would have made the situation that much worse. Blake points out they'll miss the game if they go for a fan belt, to which Paddywhack shoots Elisha a look and claims that wasn't why he came. Oh, bother. Is this what the popular pretty people are really like? Where they don't actually say anything to one another because they're too busy performing tonsillectomies on one another with their tongues? 'Cause this would explain why I wasn't popular.
Blake gets pissy and says he'll give Paddywhack a ride, but Paddywhack says they should just go without him because they still need to find a scalper when they get to the game. "Just make sure you get me a fan belt on the way back," Paddywhack says. "And make sure it's a fifteen-inch."
... all right, you know what? I'm cutting it short and going to bed, because now they're just doing it on purpose.
Next up: Theoretically, someone dies. Preferably someone not a pony. THIS MEANS YOU, MAYHEM.
Part One
Part Two
So it's the next morning, and Blake gets up and checks outside to discover that the sun's a wee bit bright for early morning. A quick check of his watch reveals that it's two-thirty in the afternoon and if they don't leave, they'll miss the big game. Blake promptly flips right the fuck out and starts shrieking that everybody needs to wake up so they can leave.
The next thing we see is the Buffoon asking Blake if he's seen his camera as Blake loads up the truck.-- and considering how pissy Elisha got about being filmed, maybe the Buffoon should double-check she didn't shove it up his ass -- right before Mayhem walks up carrying his folding chair and wearing a wifebeater. I don't make this shit up, people. He just does this on his own and doesn't expect mocking. It's almost adorable, really. The Buffoon asks Paddywhack and Mayhem if they've seen his camera, but they don't know where it could be. Did you leave it in the woods after you finished taping yourselves making out against an oak tree? Because that might be why he can't find it.
Off by a bush somewhere, Elisha is taking a leak while Paris stands around in a baby-blue jogging suit. You know how there are some colors you just know you look bad in, like even before you try them on, you can say, "Self, perhaps we should not purchase a color that makes us look like a deranged lobster wearing a Lhasa Apso pelt"? This is one of those times.
They start talking about Elisha moving and Paddywhack staying behind and more stuff I don't give a damn about, but all of a sudden, the wind picks up and there's that gross smell again. And no, Elisha's not downwind of Paris. Or Mayhem. Or Paddywhack's hair products. Uh, I think. Elisha says she thinks she knows where the smell is coming from and starts walking towards it. And no, she doesn't start walking towards Paris. Or Mayhem. Or Paddywhack's hair products. Didn't we have this discussion five sentences ago?
Paris protests going to look for it, but Elisha wants to see what it is. Considering her circle of friends in this movie, I'm not surprised the gross and disturbing attracts her.
Back at the cars, Paddywhack tries to start the Hot Wheels only to find out some belt under the hood is broken. Hell if I know which one. Mayhem and the Buffoon drink and laugh, because the Buffoon has no other settings and Mayhem's other settings include Fight, Fuck, Wed, Bad Hygiene, and Worse Hygiene. Paddywhack complains that the belt was brand new and "someone's fucking with [him]." Excuse me while I savor the sound of Paddywhack saying my favorite curse word on the planet.
*spontaneously orgasms*
Ahem.
Meanwhile, Paris continues to bitch and moan while Elisha claims that finding the source of that horrible, wretched smell will be fun. No, seriously, she says "fun." I don't know about you, but when I smell something bad, I don't expect to follow it and find candy and ponies. Then again, Mayhem's supposed to be Elisha's twin in this, so God only knows what her family reunions smell like.
Where was I? Oh, yes, following the bad smell and looking for Lucky Charms. Paris snipes, "I hate you," which if Paris Hilton said that to me would be taken as the highest of compliments. Elisha giggles at that, then proceeds to accidentally slide down an embankment right into a nasty giant puddle of dead gelatinous farm animals. So ... uh, there might be ponies in there, I guess.
Elisha screams and wails, mostly because she's stuck dangling with her hands pushing into the Stew O' Ponies and can't get out. There is nothing about this that's not disgusting, and that includes Elisha's second-week-of-deer-camp hair.
All of a sudden, Elisha sees a hand in the Stew O' Ponies and commences with the flipping out even more.
And now everybody else shows up, Paddywhack hauling Elisha out of the muck and Mayhem gagging and saying, "Yeah, that smells about right." Since I've been calling that thing the Stew O' Ponies, I don't exactly want to know what that smells about right for to Mayhem. Blake asks Paris if she's okay, which ... I'm sorry, but she's not the screaming girl covered in melted livestock, okay?
Paddywhack helps Elisha to her feet as a beaten-up old truck drives by, and Blake asks if that's the same truck from last night. "Not unless he fixed his headlight," Paddywhack says skeptically. Well, maybe he's an insomniac with lots of spare parts lying around and a strong desire not to get a ticket. You don't know.
The trucks backs up to the Stew O' Ponies, and some redneck in a baseball cap gets out. I'm tempted to call him Trucker Hat, but I'm pretty sure that's Mayhem's other roller derby name. Completely ignoring the gaggle of idiots standing on the other side of the Stew O' Ponies, Scary Redneck climbs into the truck bed and starts tossing pony bits into the muck. Oh, he does not. They're very recognizable chunks of whitetail deer, but you know what? Close enough.
Paddywhack gets the attention of Scary Redneck, and when he turns, Elisha asks, "Don't you see that?" She points to the hand and asks what it is. Uh, a hand? I'm good at this game. After tossing in another deer (Bambi, NOOOOO!), Scary Redneck wades into the Stew O' Ponies and grabs onto the hand to the delight of everybody else. And when I say "delight," I mean "dawning realization of bile rising in their throats."
Scary Redneck yanks at the hand and it comes right off, because it's too early in the movie for it to be anything but a dummy. "Need a hand?" he calls out. Like Larry the Cable Guy wasn't enough proof rednecks aren't funny. Nobody laughs -- surprise, surprise -- so Scary Redneck knocks on it to prove it's not real. Yes, thank you, Scary Redneck. Now if you could stop standing in the closest thing to a venison smoothie anybody in their right mind would ever want to see, my stomach would appreciate it.
Scary Redneck claims he found it on the side of the road a few weeks ago, then asks what everybody is doing around here. Paddywhack says they were camping nearby while Paris looks in her bag for water to clean Elisha's hands off. Dude, I think what you're looking for isn't a bottle of water, it's a Silkwood shower. The Buffoon walks up to the girls and asks if they've seen his camera. Unsurprisingly, Paris and Elisha stare at him as if he has Nerf tattooed across his forehead.
Paddywhack asks Scary Redneck if there's a gas station nearby because his fan belt broke, which Elisha just loves. Somehow I think the innards under the fingernails are worse, but that may be just me. Scary Redneck says there's a town fifteen miles away where he can get a fan belt, but Blake says they should just get one in Baton Rouge. "Man, there's no way I'm leaving my car," Paddywhack says. At least he said "car" instead of "ride," because God only knows what Mayhem-related crack I would have made.
"What if that guy from last night comes and strips it?" Paddywhack says. Okay, see, if he had said "ride" instead of "car," that line would have made the situation that much worse. Blake points out they'll miss the game if they go for a fan belt, to which Paddywhack shoots Elisha a look and claims that wasn't why he came. Oh, bother. Is this what the popular pretty people are really like? Where they don't actually say anything to one another because they're too busy performing tonsillectomies on one another with their tongues? 'Cause this would explain why I wasn't popular.
Blake gets pissy and says he'll give Paddywhack a ride, but Paddywhack says they should just go without him because they still need to find a scalper when they get to the game. "Just make sure you get me a fan belt on the way back," Paddywhack says. "And make sure it's a fifteen-inch."
... all right, you know what? I'm cutting it short and going to bed, because now they're just doing it on purpose.
Next up: Theoretically, someone dies. Preferably someone not a pony. THIS MEANS YOU, MAYHEM.
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Date: 2006-05-13 04:52 am (UTC)*lol*
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Date: 2006-05-13 05:01 am (UTC)So...Mayhem's just playing himself in this movie, basically? Because I'm thinking he showed up on set like that, folding chair and all, and someone was like "that's perfectly in character! put it in the movie!" and Mayhem's like "Huh? I haven't had my morning forty yet, I don't know what you're talking about."
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Date: 2006-05-13 05:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 03:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-29 05:57 pm (UTC)