House of Wax, part four
May. 21st, 2006 12:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosIs it really bad that I kind of missed Mayhem during that last section of the movie? It is? Yeah, I thought so.
Also, it turns out I'm only a third of the way through the movie. Thank God for booze. *liquors up*
House of Wax
Part One, Part Two, Part Three
Part Four
Oh, goody, more melting wax. We return to our unfortunately regularly scheduled program to find a guy carving a "statue" with a little scrapey thing as opera plays in the background. Not enough movie psychos are into easy listening, if you ask me. Faceless Psycho continues to shape the "statue" even though it's pretty obvious there's some chick in there, complete with melting and sculpting wax all over her nipples. You know, everybody needs a hobby, but some people's hobbies just aren't the kind of things you want to mention to your mother. (Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I promise never to bring home a guy like Mayhem, and not just he's blowing his best friend.)
Outside the house of wax, Elisha says that she doesn't knows what Paddywhack expects to see in there. Well, if it's nipples, a.) I don't see why, because he's so recently seen yours, and b.) he's in luck! Paddywhack scrapes the walls with his keys and shows her that it is made of wax. Elisha's not all that impressed. Paddywhack tries to open the door, regardless of the chains on one handle and the big honking sign that says, "CLOSED you asshole." Boy, he must have been so happy to get a part like Sam Winchester where he didn't have to pretend to be too stupid to live. (Well, not all the time.)
Paddywhack pushes open the doors, to which Elisha asks if he plans on going in there. Considering he's halfway through the doorway already, I'd say so. Elisha reluctantly follows.
Down in the basement, Faceless Psycho looks up at the floorboards as Elisha says from upstairs, "Doesn't CLOSED mean 'I don't want you in here'?" Sweetie, I don't think there's much that people say to either one of you that doesn't mean 'I don't want you in here.' Paddywhack tells her to relax because he just wants to take a quick look. Dude, his fascination and trust in all things presently or formerly gooey is getting a little weird. Watch it, Gigantor.
In the lobby, wax dummies are all over the place as Elisha and Paddywhack enter, Elisha asking what they're supposed to do if someone is there and Paddywhack calling out "Hello?" a few times before proclaiming no one's there. The fact that neither one of these pretty, pretty idiots has been eaten by dinosaurs yet continues to surprise me. Paddywhack starts going about how cool it is that everything in the place is made of wax. If he continues to be so easily impressed, Elisha's going to develop a complex at this rate.
Paddywhack asks who the rather anonymous dummies are supposed to, saying, "Aren't there supposed to be famous people in a wax museum?" Oh, hon, you really don't want to get me started on that line of mockery. Elisha starts reading off the headlines on some old newspaper clippings on the wall, about Trudy and her fabulous wax carvings and her impending sprog, which leads to Elisha bitching, "Since when is a wax sculptor a celebrity?" Dude, dinky towns are desperate for celebrities. Did you know the most famous people from my hometown were a guy who played basketball in Spain for a couple of years and the chick who wrote Deadly Friend? Well, now you do.
Paddywhack points out the small town thing, to which Elisha says, "That's right, you like small towns." Paddywhack says that he never said he didn't like New York, just that he hasn't made a decision yet. Elisha says she'd really like him to be there with her, and really, who among us wouldn't? Kinda hard to wake up in the night and grope Paddywhack and his protruding appendages if he's not, you know, right there. Trust me, I've tried.
And as if the haircut and the ugly shirt weren't enough to make him look like a preteen boy with a pituitary disorder, Paddywhack decides to act the part by whipping out a lighter and melting a tiny wax figurine on a table, falsetto-ing, "Help me, [Elisha],you're my only hopemy skirt's on fire!" Elisha stops him, probably for the same reason I would, which is that watching Paddywhack act like a spazzy seventh-grader might detract from the fucking him.
Paddywhack spots a dog across the room standing perfectly still and goes over to pretend to pet the "wax" dog, only to have the little bastard snap at his fingers and scare the crap out of him. Elisha laughs, which gets Paddywhack complaining, "What's a dog doing in here anyway?" Maybe he smelled Mayhem on you and thought his date was here.
Elisha looks over some freaky statues on a shelf while Paddywhack drags his fingers along the keys of a piano. You know, exactly like you do when you're breaking and entering. I'd continue to complain about him as he sits down and plays out a tune, but then he whips out the Official Giant Porn Hands of Texas and ...
Okay, I'm back again. I'm breathing funny and my panties have vanished, but let's not quibble.
Paddywhack continues to pound away at the piano like the great big dork that he is as Elisha starts picking up figurines and notices they're all engraved with the name Vincent just like the paintings on the wall. Elisha says he's quite the artist, and Paddywhack thinks "Vincent" needs therapy. I think Vincent needs a better security system, but what the hell do I know?
Paddywhack checks out the dining room table and how detailed everything is, but like any normal person over the age of five, Elisha doesn't care. Elisha points out making everything out of wax is a little weird. She obviously never saw the guy who made all of his furniture out of Federal Express boxes. Paddywhack points out a pair of cobweb-covered high chairs we've seen before in all their brat-restraining goodness. Elisha "eh, whatever"'s and asks Paddywhack when he thinks the last person was there. "A while, probably," Paddywhack says, as she walks over and wipes the dust off a mirror --
-- just in time to spot Severus Snape looking through the window at them. By the way, that didn't spook me as I sat all alone in my unlit apartment. YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING.
Elisha yelps and Paddywhack asks what's going on. She says she saw someone, to which Paddywhack points out it was probably just a wax thing. "It was moving and it was freaky-looking," she says. Well, that could still make it a wax thing. Do we know if Paris is back in town yet?
Paddywhack orders her to stay while he goes to check it out, and Mayhem's cooties on that wifebeater lower her IQ just enough for her to listen and wait inside the house of wax.
Elisha closes the door behind him, leaving her and her ridiculously well-kept Farrah hair all alone with the wax figures. Elisha walks back into the music room to see Paddywhack standing outside in the bushes, and suddenly I feel the strange urge to make a joke that would probably be more appropriate for Mayhem. Paddywhack shrugs with a smile, so Elisha wanders into the kitchen occasionally looking over her shoulder at these weird creaking noises. The last time I heard noises like that in a movie, a big boat sank and Leonardo DiCaprio died. Lightning might not strike twice, but I can dream, damn it.
Elisha walks backwards right up until a load knock sounds from outside, and she spins around to see a wax figure with a melted face that she already fucking saw when she walked into the kitchen. Wow, those Mayhem cooties keep it up, her head's going to whistle when the wind picks up by the time Mayhem and his gaggle of loons make it back to town.
Elisha screams and make a run for it, knocking over the wax figure. Outside, Paddywhack -- who was the one knocking -- looks through the window with a mischievous smile and hurries off. Oh, yeah, that's real smooth, Paddywhack. Did I mention that the last time I saw that haircut was in ice-skating footage from the seventies? No? Well, now I have,
Elisha runs out the front door right into Paddywhack's arms. Where the hell do I sign up for that service? Elisha demands to leave because this place is freaking her out., so Paddywhack suggests they go back to the service station. Yeah, because Cheap Gas is really the height of normality. Say hi to the pompadour for me!
Meanwhile, off at a tree ... MAYHEM! I've missed you so! How am I supposed to make fun of you if you're not even here? Wait, don't answer that. The next thing I know, you'll show up at my front door, and I don't even have a wedding dress. Or a trucker hat, or much alcohol left.
Anyway, he and the Buffoon are taking a piss together, surprisingly with a distinct lack of tweezers. The Buffoon talks about how much he had to take a leak, which leads to Mayhem shoving him as the ominous theme of We Probably Shouldn't Piss Together Where They Filmed Deliverance plays on the soundtrack. The music cuts off when Blake shows up and asks Mayhem and the Buffoon if they're going to have sex. Great, now the movie is making my subtextual wisecracks for me.
When Mayhem and the Buffoon blanch at that, Blake says that he and Paris are -- and dude, you might want not to brag about that -- so Mayhem and the Buffoon should go pick up Paddywhack and Elisha. Mayhem agrees in his grumbling moronic way, so Blake calls out to Paris that Mayhem and the Buffoon are going to pick them up. "Why? We can go," Paris cockblocks, to which Blake complains he's tired of driving.
Blake tosses the keys to the Buffoon, who gets all uppity about it until Mayhem gives him a titty twister to get the keys off him. Dude, why cop a feel from the Buffoon? I'm sure if you asked your sister, she'd let you.
Next: Someone explains the concept of "personal space" to Paddywhack and Elisha, resulting in the movie's first real casualties as they die from shock and embarrassment.
Also, it turns out I'm only a third of the way through the movie. Thank God for booze. *liquors up*
Part One, Part Two, Part Three
Part Four
Oh, goody, more melting wax. We return to our unfortunately regularly scheduled program to find a guy carving a "statue" with a little scrapey thing as opera plays in the background. Not enough movie psychos are into easy listening, if you ask me. Faceless Psycho continues to shape the "statue" even though it's pretty obvious there's some chick in there, complete with melting and sculpting wax all over her nipples. You know, everybody needs a hobby, but some people's hobbies just aren't the kind of things you want to mention to your mother. (Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I promise never to bring home a guy like Mayhem, and not just he's blowing his best friend.)
Outside the house of wax, Elisha says that she doesn't knows what Paddywhack expects to see in there. Well, if it's nipples, a.) I don't see why, because he's so recently seen yours, and b.) he's in luck! Paddywhack scrapes the walls with his keys and shows her that it is made of wax. Elisha's not all that impressed. Paddywhack tries to open the door, regardless of the chains on one handle and the big honking sign that says, "CLOSED you asshole." Boy, he must have been so happy to get a part like Sam Winchester where he didn't have to pretend to be too stupid to live. (Well, not all the time.)
Paddywhack pushes open the doors, to which Elisha asks if he plans on going in there. Considering he's halfway through the doorway already, I'd say so. Elisha reluctantly follows.
Down in the basement, Faceless Psycho looks up at the floorboards as Elisha says from upstairs, "Doesn't CLOSED mean 'I don't want you in here'?" Sweetie, I don't think there's much that people say to either one of you that doesn't mean 'I don't want you in here.' Paddywhack tells her to relax because he just wants to take a quick look. Dude, his fascination and trust in all things presently or formerly gooey is getting a little weird. Watch it, Gigantor.
In the lobby, wax dummies are all over the place as Elisha and Paddywhack enter, Elisha asking what they're supposed to do if someone is there and Paddywhack calling out "Hello?" a few times before proclaiming no one's there. The fact that neither one of these pretty, pretty idiots has been eaten by dinosaurs yet continues to surprise me. Paddywhack starts going about how cool it is that everything in the place is made of wax. If he continues to be so easily impressed, Elisha's going to develop a complex at this rate.
Paddywhack asks who the rather anonymous dummies are supposed to, saying, "Aren't there supposed to be famous people in a wax museum?" Oh, hon, you really don't want to get me started on that line of mockery. Elisha starts reading off the headlines on some old newspaper clippings on the wall, about Trudy and her fabulous wax carvings and her impending sprog, which leads to Elisha bitching, "Since when is a wax sculptor a celebrity?" Dude, dinky towns are desperate for celebrities. Did you know the most famous people from my hometown were a guy who played basketball in Spain for a couple of years and the chick who wrote Deadly Friend? Well, now you do.
Paddywhack points out the small town thing, to which Elisha says, "That's right, you like small towns." Paddywhack says that he never said he didn't like New York, just that he hasn't made a decision yet. Elisha says she'd really like him to be there with her, and really, who among us wouldn't? Kinda hard to wake up in the night and grope Paddywhack and his protruding appendages if he's not, you know, right there. Trust me, I've tried.
And as if the haircut and the ugly shirt weren't enough to make him look like a preteen boy with a pituitary disorder, Paddywhack decides to act the part by whipping out a lighter and melting a tiny wax figurine on a table, falsetto-ing, "Help me, [Elisha],
Paddywhack spots a dog across the room standing perfectly still and goes over to pretend to pet the "wax" dog, only to have the little bastard snap at his fingers and scare the crap out of him. Elisha laughs, which gets Paddywhack complaining, "What's a dog doing in here anyway?" Maybe he smelled Mayhem on you and thought his date was here.
Elisha looks over some freaky statues on a shelf while Paddywhack drags his fingers along the keys of a piano. You know, exactly like you do when you're breaking and entering. I'd continue to complain about him as he sits down and plays out a tune, but then he whips out the Official Giant Porn Hands of Texas and ...
Okay, I'm back again. I'm breathing funny and my panties have vanished, but let's not quibble.
Paddywhack continues to pound away at the piano like the great big dork that he is as Elisha starts picking up figurines and notices they're all engraved with the name Vincent just like the paintings on the wall. Elisha says he's quite the artist, and Paddywhack thinks "Vincent" needs therapy. I think Vincent needs a better security system, but what the hell do I know?
Paddywhack checks out the dining room table and how detailed everything is, but like any normal person over the age of five, Elisha doesn't care. Elisha points out making everything out of wax is a little weird. She obviously never saw the guy who made all of his furniture out of Federal Express boxes. Paddywhack points out a pair of cobweb-covered high chairs we've seen before in all their brat-restraining goodness. Elisha "eh, whatever"'s and asks Paddywhack when he thinks the last person was there. "A while, probably," Paddywhack says, as she walks over and wipes the dust off a mirror --
-- just in time to spot Severus Snape looking through the window at them. By the way, that didn't spook me as I sat all alone in my unlit apartment. YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING.
Elisha yelps and Paddywhack asks what's going on. She says she saw someone, to which Paddywhack points out it was probably just a wax thing. "It was moving and it was freaky-looking," she says. Well, that could still make it a wax thing. Do we know if Paris is back in town yet?
Paddywhack orders her to stay while he goes to check it out, and Mayhem's cooties on that wifebeater lower her IQ just enough for her to listen and wait inside the house of wax.
Elisha closes the door behind him, leaving her and her ridiculously well-kept Farrah hair all alone with the wax figures. Elisha walks back into the music room to see Paddywhack standing outside in the bushes, and suddenly I feel the strange urge to make a joke that would probably be more appropriate for Mayhem. Paddywhack shrugs with a smile, so Elisha wanders into the kitchen occasionally looking over her shoulder at these weird creaking noises. The last time I heard noises like that in a movie, a big boat sank and Leonardo DiCaprio died. Lightning might not strike twice, but I can dream, damn it.
Elisha walks backwards right up until a load knock sounds from outside, and she spins around to see a wax figure with a melted face that she already fucking saw when she walked into the kitchen. Wow, those Mayhem cooties keep it up, her head's going to whistle when the wind picks up by the time Mayhem and his gaggle of loons make it back to town.
Elisha screams and make a run for it, knocking over the wax figure. Outside, Paddywhack -- who was the one knocking -- looks through the window with a mischievous smile and hurries off. Oh, yeah, that's real smooth, Paddywhack. Did I mention that the last time I saw that haircut was in ice-skating footage from the seventies? No? Well, now I have,
Elisha runs out the front door right into Paddywhack's arms. Where the hell do I sign up for that service? Elisha demands to leave because this place is freaking her out., so Paddywhack suggests they go back to the service station. Yeah, because Cheap Gas is really the height of normality. Say hi to the pompadour for me!
Meanwhile, off at a tree ... MAYHEM! I've missed you so! How am I supposed to make fun of you if you're not even here? Wait, don't answer that. The next thing I know, you'll show up at my front door, and I don't even have a wedding dress. Or a trucker hat, or much alcohol left.
Anyway, he and the Buffoon are taking a piss together, surprisingly with a distinct lack of tweezers. The Buffoon talks about how much he had to take a leak, which leads to Mayhem shoving him as the ominous theme of We Probably Shouldn't Piss Together Where They Filmed Deliverance plays on the soundtrack. The music cuts off when Blake shows up and asks Mayhem and the Buffoon if they're going to have sex. Great, now the movie is making my subtextual wisecracks for me.
When Mayhem and the Buffoon blanch at that, Blake says that he and Paris are -- and dude, you might want not to brag about that -- so Mayhem and the Buffoon should go pick up Paddywhack and Elisha. Mayhem agrees in his grumbling moronic way, so Blake calls out to Paris that Mayhem and the Buffoon are going to pick them up. "Why? We can go," Paris cockblocks, to which Blake complains he's tired of driving.
Blake tosses the keys to the Buffoon, who gets all uppity about it until Mayhem gives him a titty twister to get the keys off him. Dude, why cop a feel from the Buffoon? I'm sure if you asked your sister, she'd let you.
Next: Someone explains the concept of "personal space" to Paddywhack and Elisha, resulting in the movie's first real casualties as they die from shock and embarrassment.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 05:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 05:40 am (UTC)(you make this movie cool)
no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 05:54 am (UTC)Because, I've lived in Iowa and they really missed the mark. I mean, where, I ask you, are all the meth-heads and stoners? Where's the corn field keg? And why hasn't Paddywack been mocked out of existence for his horrible horrible hair?
no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 03:30 pm (UTC)Dude, I used to think the Sam haircut was pretty bad until I saw every other haircut he's ever had and now I love that haircut to pieces, because apparently nothing else has EVER looked good on him.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-23 07:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 07:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-29 06:09 pm (UTC)