apocalypsos | (no subject)

I was looking over my friends list, all you wonderfully sane individuals -- okay, maybe not on all issues, but on this one, you're golden -- and I started thinking. It's something I really need to lay off, since it inevitably gets me in trouble, but here goes.

Starting in only a matter of days, we're faced with what's probably one of the more idiotic things I've ever seen produced, Marriage Protection Week. I've seen some pretty incredible discussions on the topic from others on my friends list and beyond,

thebratqueen,

kielle,

vanityfair, and

tocomfortyou popping in my head first and foremost, but certainly not without stiff competition. Everybody on my friends list has some amazingly adept intellectual gymnastics going on when it comes to these arguments, and I fucking love that.

But I have to get this off my chest. Granted, I've already bitched enough on the topic, but I have to speak out. We all do, truth be told.

Reading the statement of purpose on the Marriage Protection Week website made me physically ill. I can tell you without even asking her that my grandmother, your typically stereotyped white-haired old lady, would be against the idea of gay marriage. Don't even need to waste the phone card minutes ... I just know. But it's not because she's hateful, or bigoted, or mean. She's just contendedly behind the times. She's uncomfortable with the thought of my aunt, my cousin, or myself dating a black man, but she's not a racist. She was simply raised in a different time, and while I can't get her to be a little more modern in her thinking -- no matter how hard I of the many-colored nail polishes and four tattoos tries -- I understand that she's not being mean about it, you just can't teach an old dog ... well, you know.

But she's not cruel about it. This? This was cruel.

The statement of purpose announces that people who support gay marriage also support polygamy in all shapes and forms, rather in the same vein of argument as those members of the RIAA who argued that programs like Kazaa should be discontinued because porn could be accessed through them. (Which sounded silly to me when I first heard it, since some of the songs the RIAA has put out are porn in and of themselves. But what do I know? I just pay attention.) The polygamy argument comes off sounding just as idiotic in my brain, which immediately tries to use that tool in its own kooky way.

Example:

I like to eat chicken. Therefore, I would like to give a chicken a blow job.

Uh, no. I am not a sick fuck, I just think chicken makes for good eatin'.

Anyway, the more I read these discussions and see the phrase, "Marriage Protection Week," my mind goes back to the abortion debate. Not like I'm going to start an abortion debate -- calm down. I just can't help but think of both sides, the pro-life and the pro-choice. You have both sides referring to themselves in a "positive" light from their own perspective. And I'm suddenly struck by the fact that in the minds of those who support this blatant display of bigotry and homophobia, they're the pro-marriage group.

Okay. You want to be pro-marriage? Okay, then, we'll be pro-love.

You can stand for an antiquated institution so behind the times, the marriage rate and the rate at which those "sacred institutions" degrade into divorce continue to fight for dominance. You can stand for a union whose sole purpose to exist is to produce a child. You can stand for marriages of convenience to fulfill a checklist of body parts.

I'll stand over here and be pro-love. You can stand there and blast out hate and anger and fear and bullshit, and I'll be over here, basing a relationship on love rather than how many times my husband can impregnate me. I'd rather feel than fill a quota, and apparently that makes me suspect.

You want to outlaw gay marriage? Fine, go ahead. Watch as homosexuality magically vanishes from the face of the earth. Look on in wonder as gays and lesbians toss off their serious sexual disorders and become as straight as the day as long. See with amazement the looks on the faces of young gay men and women as they realize what absolute bloody perverts they are.

Oh, wait, that's not going to happen. Know why?

Because we're already fucking there.

Do you honestly think gays and lesbians are just going to shrug in resignation and switch teams the second you outlaw gay marriage because they want to get married just that much? Gays and lesbians aren't nagging relatives or complaining mothers or overly desperate single women. They don't want a wedding, you nitwit, they want to intertwine their lives with the life of the person they love.

If you want to make the argument that only 3% of the population is homosexual, then go ahead. In that case, on a planet of six billion people, I can pretty much assure you that if the entire gay and lesbian population marry one another, you're not going to have to worry all that much about the dent they're going to make when their unions don't produce children.

If you want to make the argument that homosexuals only enter into casual sex relationships or one-night stands, then go ahead. Obviously, if they only enter into frivilous relationships, you can pass a law making gay marriage legal and it won't mean a thing. Well, maybe for a few committed fools, but you know what they're like. (Just to keep things in perspective, you might want to do something about those laws that don't make necrophilia a crime in some states, and then we'll talk.)

If you want to make the argument that homosexuals corrupt the young, then go ahead. Because I know that when I was growing up and my uncle and his boyfriend were around, I was totally corrupted. I mean, all that kind treatment and the presents and the intelligent stimulating conversation I had with them are memories that torture me to this day. (Especially with their having been together for the last twenty years. But I'm sure it was a total casual-sex thing, what with the buying the house together and the dogs they've raised and all.) In fact, the latest corruption they bestowed upon me was when I went without a date to another uncle's wedding and my uncle Bobby was the only one who noticed how sad I was and danced with during the only slow song I had a partner for. Absolutely evil, those fucking gay bastards.

If you want to argue that gays and lesbians make horrible parents, then go ahead. I mean, after all, when homosexuals in a long-term relationship gratefully adopt the black baby born with AIDS or the drug-addicted little girl no one else wanted to take a chance on, they can't possibly be as good at parenting at the sixteen-year-old whose God-fearing parents made her keep the baby she didn't want and marry the jerk who knocked her up or the drunk who's married to the abusive moron.

If you want to argue that homosexuality is against the Bible's teachings, great. According to the Bible, a man who lies with a man as he should lie with a woman should be immediately killed. I'm sure you'll be implementing this law as soon as possible, and I'd just like to know whether the executions will be public or if we can simply gun down any man or woman we see eyeing the posterior of someone of the same sex.

You can argue whatever you want. And if you can do it, so can I.

If you're pro-marriage, and we're pro-love, would that make you anti-love? Pro-hate? I would appreciate it if this particular issue were cleared up post-haste, as I sincerely want to know how to introduce you at parties. "This is Nancy, who thinks that everyone should be allowed to share love and respect. And this is Peter, who hates everybody for no other reason other than that it's been that way in his family for centuries."

You know, if we're going to make rules for gay marriage based on the concept of "Your union will be useless, as it will produce no fruit," then I feel we should give the same conditions to heterosexual marriage. As such, I feel that the following rules should be put into effect:

1. Any marriage that has not produced a child in five years shall be terminated. Either they do not plan on producing children, which is wrong, or they can't, which is probably a medical thing between the two of them and maybe they should switch partners to see if that works.

2. Anyone who has been married twice and has not produced a child shall be shot. You're wasting everybody else's potential baby factories and you're of no use to us as a society.

3. Widows with children shall be shot. They will come into a new marriage with already-produced children and not want anymore, and it's much easier to just kill them off and send the children off to be adopted by proper (insert race of child here) families.

4. The sterile will be dismembered. How dare they.

5. The ugly will be strangled. In our new world, we're only having pretty people.

6. After menopause, women will fed to sharks.

7. Gays and lesbians will dropped off cliffs. The transgendered will be toyed with just to see if they can impregnate themselves, and if not, we'll call them sick bastards and drop anvils on their heads.

8. Polygamists are still very very bad people, but if they promise to dissolve all of their marriages except one and just keep pumping out children, they'll be given a full pardon. Otherwise, deadly cases of scurvy.

9. Those who have adopted children rather than give birth to them will be beaten about the heads and chest with hammers, once for each kid they adopted rather than gestated.

10. Did I mention all of the gay people dying? Because that's a really important one.

There. As you can see, a very thorough list, and one which should insure that the overpopulation we would otherwise have will be offset by the fact that we'll be killing off everyone who doesn't choose to contribute to it by passing on their genetic material.

That's okay, though. Anybody who wants to can still fuck the corpses in many of the states.

Of course, since neither one of you will be producing children, the living one will be drowned in a vat of lye, while the dead one will be tossed into the rotors of a helicopter.

Thank you, and good night.

Oh, yeah. That was definitely a rant.

P.S. Does anybody else find it ironic that the President is supporting a marriage based on its ability to produce children when he's produced frelling Barbara and Jenna? Dude, I wouldn't brag.