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apocalypsosTitle: He's The Good One (Go On, You Can Laugh)
Author: Troll Princess
Fandom: Veronica Mars
Rating: R
Word Count: 2,000 words, give or take.
Spoilers: "Not Pictured"
Pairing: None
Warnings: I'd warn against bad language and awful taste, but it IS a story about Dick Casablancas, right?
Disclaimer: Veronica Mars is smarter than me.
Summary: Dick in the aftermath of the finale.
*****
He's The Good One (Go On, You Can Laugh)
*****
Dick's elaborate funeral plans for his little brother go a little something like this.
1. Cremate Beaver.
2. Flush the ashes.
3. Drink until his liver grows its own tap.
He gets as far as the first step before he fucks his plans right up.
See, he figures he's got to invite people to the funeral. Who fucking cares if it'll be in a bathroom? Everybody will probably say it's too good for his psychotic serial murderer of a little brother. Ronnie's bound to make some bad joke about toilet humor or being full of shit or something, although in the vague moments where he stops pouring vodka down his throat, Dick's pretty sure that's more his line than hers.
But, yeah, the funeral.
Dad can't come. The last time Dick heard, he was off on Saturn playing golf with Jimmy Hoffa, whoever the hell that is. Dick isn't even sure Dad would come if he could, which makes Dick puke twice into the garbage can Logan puts in his room
Mom won't come. Mom's cool and all -- Dick can't exactly hate his mom when she gave him his trust fund, you know? -- but she's got her new family and her new husband and none of them ever got molested by their baseball coach and blew up a school bus. And yeah, okay, that makes him puke again, which he'd like to state for the record really hurts like a bitch when you haven't eaten for two days.
Kendall is ... well, Kendall. She's probably off comforting Logan with her crotch, not that he can blame either one of them.
Dick tries to think of which of their friends he can invite, and then he remembers the shit he pulled on Jackie Cook and that bus driver's kid. He wonders if he could get people to come to a funeral for Cassidy Casablancas if he sold party hats, hired a good DJ and had an open bar.
So, no funeral it is.
In the end, he puts Beaver's ashes in the shoebox for his yellow Vans and sticks it in the back of his closet.
If he were sober enough to wrap his brain around the definition of "poetic justice," he probably wouldn't have done that.
======
Dick wakes up the night after he stuffs what's left in his baby brother in the back of his closet behind his porn from a nightmare where Kendall's selling the house.
It's not the part where she's selling it that makes him practically hyperventilate, it's the way she stands before Beaver's closed bedroom door with a bright smile and a game-show hostess pose and says, "I wouldn't let my sons stay in here if I were you. Psycho rubs off."
======
Logan gives him three days.
For a seventy-two hour span between getting his grubby little paws on Beaver's ashes and having to start summer school, Logan pours alcohol down his throat like he's some weird new kind of gas tank that runs off Budweiser. Logan says he can debauch the hell out of Dick because Veronica's in New York or Chicago or Bora Bora or something and Trina will be putting in all of the required theatrical yet obviously faked mournful tears at the "Ding, Dong, The Bad Actor Is Dead!" Extravanganza, otherwise known as Aaron Echolls's funeral, otherwise known as the celebrity event of the season to attend. Logan tells him he can make a few calls and get the place filled with people and a DJ in a half hour if Dick wants, but what Dick wants is to play obscene amounts of Final Fantasy and bitch about how they're not watching hot lesbian threesome porn instead.
Logan is the best friend Dick's got, and possibly has ever had, if he doesn't bother to count what's left of Beaver.
That's going to be a little impossible without a microscope, a pair of tweezers, and a hell of a lot of patience.
At the seventy-third hour, Logan replaces the booze he's been pouring down Dick's throat with hot coffee. Dick wonders if he missed hearing a timer go off.
"Dude, I'm not all that thrilled about the prospect of getting sober," Dick says.
Logan tosses another empty beer bottle into the trash. It's the third recycling container he's filled.
"Oh, come on, Dick. Don't you want to meet that friendly hangover that's been waiting up for you?"
Dick groans and mutters something about Logan definitely not having had enough of the beer.
The entire time he's sobering up, he caps off every puking escapade by telling Logan, "I don't even remember eating that," mostly because Logan always follows it up by rolling his eyes and telling him they flew to Malaysia or something. It sounds a lot more interesting than delivery guys slobbering over getting to bring a bagful of kung pao to Psycho Central.
Dick vaguely remembers punching some Asian guy at the front door, but that might have been a happy dream.
======
On the first day of summer school, Dick gets spitballs in his hair, a milkshake poured onto his notebook, and the air let out of his tires.
Mr. Wu is pretty thrown when Dick actually pays attention, but there's not much to do when you're trying to avoid an audience for once. He scribbles down notes in the sloppiest handwriting he can manage and wonders how much therapy they'd order him to have if he asked to try that egg drop experiment with Beaver's ashes.
After class, some PCH punk in the halls says something loud and crude to his friend about dicks and beavers and pounding and --
Well, Dick gets the drift.
======
One day, Dick makes a list of unforgivable shit he's done.
When Beaver was three, Dick shoved him into the deep end of the pool.
When Beaver was five, Dick heard that stupid lady on the show the maid watched in the morning talking about her little girl Cassidy and teased his little brother for two days straight about dresses and pigtails. Then he figured out that other kids would make fun of Cassidy for having a girl's name and started calling him Beaver because he watched "Leave It To Beaver" every morning during breakfast and the Cleavers actually talked to one another.
When Beaver was eight, Dick figured out why two little boys probably shouldn't go around with names like Dick and Beaver and kept it up anyway.
When Beaver was nine, Dick poured lemonade in his lap at summer camp and started a rumor he was afraid there were snakes in the toilets.
When Beaver joined (and later quit) the baseball team, Dick was too fucking stupid to notice.
Oh, and when they went to Mexico that one time, Dick got Beaver a prostitute and ended up using her before Beaver even got a chance.
Dick throws the list into the garbage and drops in a match when he's done. There's probably some stupid psychological reason that smarter people than he could use to say that he's unburdening himself of guilt, that he's trying to make himself feel better about living with the little bastard and not figuring out he's a serial-killing nutball. That he wants to release the weight of spending day to day with a seriously disturbed individual and not having seen it, not having seen that Cassidy Casablancas was off his fucking rocker.
Mostly, he just likes to burn stuff.
======
Somewhere along the line, Veronica comes back from New York and her friends become Logan's friends become Dick's friends.
Nope, Dick doesn't even get it, either.
One time when he gets back from summer school to the place he and Logan have moved into like some casual fucking gay couple or something, Veronica and that Wallace kid are doing something terrifying with eggs and peppers and Oreos in the kitchen, Logan is cracking jokes about the two of them getting a room that doesn't have his food in it, and Ghost World's taken over the couch to commandeer his copy of Grand Theft Auto.
Nobody blinks when he walks in. Wallace even says, "Hey," like it's not totally weird that he's there.
The last time anybody else he knew from high school called Dick Casablancas was two weeks ago.
He'd played the death threat in the voicemail for the cops. One of them flashed him this smug smile and told him to get used to it.
======
After the forty-thousandth time he calls him Beaver around other people, Veronica makes this weird face and says, "Dick, he didn't want to be called that, you know."
Dick twirls his beer bottle in the air and declares, "Well, he's just going to have to learn to live with it."
It takes him an hour to realize what he'd said, but only ten seconds for him to puke up the contents of the beer bottle in response.
======
They're all at Hearst, and it sucks but it's not so bad. College has booze and girls and drugs but it also has a weird level of anonymity even if it is Neptune.
Veronica would eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if she could. Wallace has a pretty decent singing voice. Ghost World studiously avoids mentioning Beaver by helping Dick with his homework.
Dick doesn't even know where he's picking this shit up.
"Is this, like, some sort of self-inflicted punishment for you?" Dick says as they study.
Mac throws a handful of raisins at his head.
"Shut up or I won't tell you how to pass chemistry."
======
The TV movie comes out during Christmas break, when Dick's still trying to get over the fact that he made it through an entire semester of college without paying a teacher.
The guy they get to play him looks like Ashton Kutcher and spends both parts of the movie drinking continuously and beating people up. If you asked him if he even knew a guy named Cassidy Casablancas, he'd look at you like you were the one who was retarded. He calls his little brother Beaver like it's what's on his birth certificate and their parents were just real assholes.
He watches it with a bowl of popcorn and a six-pack and Veronica and Logan looking at him like he's deranged.
When she finally figures out pity isn't going to do it, Ronnie leans forward on the couch and does that freaky head-tilt thing.
"They should have gotten Owen Wilson," she declares.
Logan snorts back laughter, and Dick flings half of his bowl of popcorn at her, and ten minutes later she's bitching about how he'd better replace the shirt he just got butter stains all over.
Dick doesn't even see how the movie ends.
======
One night after finals, it's them and a bottle of tequila and Mac says, "I never made out with a transvestite."
"Oh, you fucker," Dick says, and downs his shot with a grin.
Well, hell. There's worse things than his hand on some other guy's cock, right? Ask Beaver.
Oh, right. You can't.
Author: Troll Princess
Fandom: Veronica Mars
Rating: R
Word Count: 2,000 words, give or take.
Spoilers: "Not Pictured"
Pairing: None
Warnings: I'd warn against bad language and awful taste, but it IS a story about Dick Casablancas, right?
Disclaimer: Veronica Mars is smarter than me.
Summary: Dick in the aftermath of the finale.
He's The Good One (Go On, You Can Laugh)
*****
Dick's elaborate funeral plans for his little brother go a little something like this.
1. Cremate Beaver.
2. Flush the ashes.
3. Drink until his liver grows its own tap.
He gets as far as the first step before he fucks his plans right up.
See, he figures he's got to invite people to the funeral. Who fucking cares if it'll be in a bathroom? Everybody will probably say it's too good for his psychotic serial murderer of a little brother. Ronnie's bound to make some bad joke about toilet humor or being full of shit or something, although in the vague moments where he stops pouring vodka down his throat, Dick's pretty sure that's more his line than hers.
But, yeah, the funeral.
Dad can't come. The last time Dick heard, he was off on Saturn playing golf with Jimmy Hoffa, whoever the hell that is. Dick isn't even sure Dad would come if he could, which makes Dick puke twice into the garbage can Logan puts in his room
Mom won't come. Mom's cool and all -- Dick can't exactly hate his mom when she gave him his trust fund, you know? -- but she's got her new family and her new husband and none of them ever got molested by their baseball coach and blew up a school bus. And yeah, okay, that makes him puke again, which he'd like to state for the record really hurts like a bitch when you haven't eaten for two days.
Kendall is ... well, Kendall. She's probably off comforting Logan with her crotch, not that he can blame either one of them.
Dick tries to think of which of their friends he can invite, and then he remembers the shit he pulled on Jackie Cook and that bus driver's kid. He wonders if he could get people to come to a funeral for Cassidy Casablancas if he sold party hats, hired a good DJ and had an open bar.
So, no funeral it is.
In the end, he puts Beaver's ashes in the shoebox for his yellow Vans and sticks it in the back of his closet.
If he were sober enough to wrap his brain around the definition of "poetic justice," he probably wouldn't have done that.
Dick wakes up the night after he stuffs what's left in his baby brother in the back of his closet behind his porn from a nightmare where Kendall's selling the house.
It's not the part where she's selling it that makes him practically hyperventilate, it's the way she stands before Beaver's closed bedroom door with a bright smile and a game-show hostess pose and says, "I wouldn't let my sons stay in here if I were you. Psycho rubs off."
Logan gives him three days.
For a seventy-two hour span between getting his grubby little paws on Beaver's ashes and having to start summer school, Logan pours alcohol down his throat like he's some weird new kind of gas tank that runs off Budweiser. Logan says he can debauch the hell out of Dick because Veronica's in New York or Chicago or Bora Bora or something and Trina will be putting in all of the required theatrical yet obviously faked mournful tears at the "Ding, Dong, The Bad Actor Is Dead!" Extravanganza, otherwise known as Aaron Echolls's funeral, otherwise known as the celebrity event of the season to attend. Logan tells him he can make a few calls and get the place filled with people and a DJ in a half hour if Dick wants, but what Dick wants is to play obscene amounts of Final Fantasy and bitch about how they're not watching hot lesbian threesome porn instead.
Logan is the best friend Dick's got, and possibly has ever had, if he doesn't bother to count what's left of Beaver.
That's going to be a little impossible without a microscope, a pair of tweezers, and a hell of a lot of patience.
At the seventy-third hour, Logan replaces the booze he's been pouring down Dick's throat with hot coffee. Dick wonders if he missed hearing a timer go off.
"Dude, I'm not all that thrilled about the prospect of getting sober," Dick says.
Logan tosses another empty beer bottle into the trash. It's the third recycling container he's filled.
"Oh, come on, Dick. Don't you want to meet that friendly hangover that's been waiting up for you?"
Dick groans and mutters something about Logan definitely not having had enough of the beer.
The entire time he's sobering up, he caps off every puking escapade by telling Logan, "I don't even remember eating that," mostly because Logan always follows it up by rolling his eyes and telling him they flew to Malaysia or something. It sounds a lot more interesting than delivery guys slobbering over getting to bring a bagful of kung pao to Psycho Central.
Dick vaguely remembers punching some Asian guy at the front door, but that might have been a happy dream.
On the first day of summer school, Dick gets spitballs in his hair, a milkshake poured onto his notebook, and the air let out of his tires.
Mr. Wu is pretty thrown when Dick actually pays attention, but there's not much to do when you're trying to avoid an audience for once. He scribbles down notes in the sloppiest handwriting he can manage and wonders how much therapy they'd order him to have if he asked to try that egg drop experiment with Beaver's ashes.
After class, some PCH punk in the halls says something loud and crude to his friend about dicks and beavers and pounding and --
Well, Dick gets the drift.
One day, Dick makes a list of unforgivable shit he's done.
When Beaver was three, Dick shoved him into the deep end of the pool.
When Beaver was five, Dick heard that stupid lady on the show the maid watched in the morning talking about her little girl Cassidy and teased his little brother for two days straight about dresses and pigtails. Then he figured out that other kids would make fun of Cassidy for having a girl's name and started calling him Beaver because he watched "Leave It To Beaver" every morning during breakfast and the Cleavers actually talked to one another.
When Beaver was eight, Dick figured out why two little boys probably shouldn't go around with names like Dick and Beaver and kept it up anyway.
When Beaver was nine, Dick poured lemonade in his lap at summer camp and started a rumor he was afraid there were snakes in the toilets.
When Beaver joined (and later quit) the baseball team, Dick was too fucking stupid to notice.
Oh, and when they went to Mexico that one time, Dick got Beaver a prostitute and ended up using her before Beaver even got a chance.
Dick throws the list into the garbage and drops in a match when he's done. There's probably some stupid psychological reason that smarter people than he could use to say that he's unburdening himself of guilt, that he's trying to make himself feel better about living with the little bastard and not figuring out he's a serial-killing nutball. That he wants to release the weight of spending day to day with a seriously disturbed individual and not having seen it, not having seen that Cassidy Casablancas was off his fucking rocker.
Mostly, he just likes to burn stuff.
Somewhere along the line, Veronica comes back from New York and her friends become Logan's friends become Dick's friends.
Nope, Dick doesn't even get it, either.
One time when he gets back from summer school to the place he and Logan have moved into like some casual fucking gay couple or something, Veronica and that Wallace kid are doing something terrifying with eggs and peppers and Oreos in the kitchen, Logan is cracking jokes about the two of them getting a room that doesn't have his food in it, and Ghost World's taken over the couch to commandeer his copy of Grand Theft Auto.
Nobody blinks when he walks in. Wallace even says, "Hey," like it's not totally weird that he's there.
The last time anybody else he knew from high school called Dick Casablancas was two weeks ago.
He'd played the death threat in the voicemail for the cops. One of them flashed him this smug smile and told him to get used to it.
After the forty-thousandth time he calls him Beaver around other people, Veronica makes this weird face and says, "Dick, he didn't want to be called that, you know."
Dick twirls his beer bottle in the air and declares, "Well, he's just going to have to learn to live with it."
It takes him an hour to realize what he'd said, but only ten seconds for him to puke up the contents of the beer bottle in response.
They're all at Hearst, and it sucks but it's not so bad. College has booze and girls and drugs but it also has a weird level of anonymity even if it is Neptune.
Veronica would eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if she could. Wallace has a pretty decent singing voice. Ghost World studiously avoids mentioning Beaver by helping Dick with his homework.
Dick doesn't even know where he's picking this shit up.
"Is this, like, some sort of self-inflicted punishment for you?" Dick says as they study.
Mac throws a handful of raisins at his head.
"Shut up or I won't tell you how to pass chemistry."
The TV movie comes out during Christmas break, when Dick's still trying to get over the fact that he made it through an entire semester of college without paying a teacher.
The guy they get to play him looks like Ashton Kutcher and spends both parts of the movie drinking continuously and beating people up. If you asked him if he even knew a guy named Cassidy Casablancas, he'd look at you like you were the one who was retarded. He calls his little brother Beaver like it's what's on his birth certificate and their parents were just real assholes.
He watches it with a bowl of popcorn and a six-pack and Veronica and Logan looking at him like he's deranged.
When she finally figures out pity isn't going to do it, Ronnie leans forward on the couch and does that freaky head-tilt thing.
"They should have gotten Owen Wilson," she declares.
Logan snorts back laughter, and Dick flings half of his bowl of popcorn at her, and ten minutes later she's bitching about how he'd better replace the shirt he just got butter stains all over.
Dick doesn't even see how the movie ends.
One night after finals, it's them and a bottle of tequila and Mac says, "I never made out with a transvestite."
"Oh, you fucker," Dick says, and downs his shot with a grin.
Well, hell. There's worse things than his hand on some other guy's cock, right? Ask Beaver.
Oh, right. You can't.
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no subject
Date: 2006-09-16 10:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-16 10:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-16 10:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-16 10:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-16 10:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-16 10:32 pm (UTC)It's not the part where she's selling it that makes him practically hyperventilate, it's the way she stands before Beaver's closed bedroom door with a bright smile and a game-show hostess pose and says, "I wouldn't let my sons stay in here if I were you. Psycho rubs off."
Congratulations on making me feel sorry for Dick. That's probably more than the show will ever do. =(
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Date: 2006-09-16 10:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-16 11:00 pm (UTC)-blue
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Date: 2006-09-17 12:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-17 12:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-17 01:15 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-09-17 03:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-17 08:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-17 05:49 pm (UTC)So, this is me being wrong twice.
Excellent, as always. :P
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Date: 2006-09-18 03:59 pm (UTC)This is equal parts awesome and heartbreaking. ♥ Or maybe it's all awesome, and half heartbreaking, and half something else... huh.
In any event, for the win.
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Date: 2006-09-18 10:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-18 08:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-11 10:11 pm (UTC)