(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

I've decided to start a religion.

Why? Well, it's either that or go back to watching the playoffs, and I'd much rather wait until later, after the horror and strife are over and the city of Chicago has gathered en masse in an Airplane-esque line to bitchslap Foul Ball Guy into next Tuesday. I anticipate much bloodshed and whining and will surely enjoy every minute of it.

But anyway, my religion. Which, by the way, will be named Bob.

Hey, shut up. You don't have a religion named Bob.

Now, unlike your run-of-the-mill deities, I will be taking requests as to what kinds of rules Bob will have. There's going to be the major one about love and respect for all other creatures, of course, but I was sort of thinking on a minor basis for the request line. You know, like "Thou shalt learn how to use your turn signal or spend eternity in the Beach Boys episode of 'Full House'" or "Thou shalt not trust leaders who look suspiciously like Alfred E. Neuman." That sort of thing.

Speaking from a personal point of view, I have to say that there most definitely will not be virgin sacrifices in the name of Bob. It's a waste of a perfectly good virgin and the least you could do is get them laid first.

However, if you wish to sacrifice Lord of the Rings actors in the name of Bob, I suppose I shall have to suffer.

(Oh, just so you know, in the religion of Bob, all marriage is between two people who love one another and sex is great. Really. If sex were bad at all, it wouldn't result in babies and orgasms, it would result in painful stomach cramps and rabid tapeworm infestations. And also, mimes. Lots and lots of mimes.)

Comments

[cmstephens.livejournal.com]

What, me govern?

[imperfect_tense]

Are there going to be high priestesses and Chief Librarians and things?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Sure, hell, why not? Half the fun of having a religion is the minions. (The other half is that turning-water-into-booze trick. Saves on kegs, let me tell ya.)

[tenebris.livejournal.com]

Can I put in for "Thou shalt not take their tiny, screaming children to movies"? Please?

...Hey. Is this the same Bob from valeriex's posts?

[azurelunatic]

Hmf. In my day, I took virgins, and made them very, very dead. In the little way.

[elfiepike.livejournal.com]

"Thou shalt learn how to use your turn signal or spend eternity in the Beach Boys episode of 'Full House'"

Where do I sign up?

[wal-lace.livejournal.com]

Don't forget the part about getting the rabble to give you their worldly goods.
Of course, you'll be a cult to start off with. I suggest Patrick Swayze with the haircut from Donnie Darko as your Evil Spokesperson.
Want someone to lead your Religious Secret Police?

[storm_dancer]

I vote that Thursdays should be holy days. I like Thursdays.

Also, I want to be in charge of communion. Communion will be cookies and milk. Special cookies. Regular milk.

[georgiamagnolia.livejournal.com]

Can't we sacrifice our virginity to Bob, and then be born again virgins to do it again if Bob is really that good?

And also, What is the Official Line on Creation and stuff? Are we talking Center of the Universe or Sailing along on Turtles and Elephants? Other animals perhaps?

What are the requirements to be a High Priestess/Priest? Will there be documentation so we can create our own tax shelters?

What about food? I think Chocolate should be sacred, involved in all celebrations. But that is just me of course.

[akacat]

Ok, but I think religion should be between any number of people who love each other.

And one of the main rules should be: All rules of Bob should make people's lives better. If any of them don't, they aren't a rule of Bob.

[karenbear.livejournal.com]

Wow what a coincidence - I have my own personal religion called Colin. What are the odds?

[linaerys.livejournal.com]

In high school we had to write our own version of the Canterbury tales in groups of 4. I wrote the story of Noah and the flood but with Bob for God, in iambic tetrameter.

Our conceit was that our group of "pilgrims" was telling stories in a marooned spaceship. My character was a religious zealot, and wouldn't shut up about Bob during the prologue.

Not that you asked =).

Praise Bob!

[sabotabby]

I hate to break it to you, but there is already a Bob-worshiping religion. It's the Church of the Subgenius, and it involves lots of sex and hallucinogenic drugs. And making sacrifices by giving Bob money.

Yours sounds better, though.

[cmstephens.livejournal.com]

Why not chocolate milk?

[storm_dancer]

Sure! I'm a very liberal Communion Chief. The color of milk doesn't matter to me; it's what's inside that counts. :-D

[faith21.livejournal.com]

I totally am going to worship Bob. my religion sucks.

[frogmajick.livejournal.com]

http://xenia.media.mit.edu/~mt/subg/subg.html

I knew a guy who belonged to this.

[emminou.livejournal.com]

My wishlist of things to be punishable by torture in the form of listening to Justin Timberlake's music (although they'd probably enjoy it):

-Reading women's gossip magazines and the teenage girl versions.

-Writing angsty rhyming poetry ("My heart has turned to ice/ it's really not too nice." or my beloved "Crying in the rain/ In my heart I feel a pain.")

-Inviting brand new educational systems which really should not have been invented named NCEA.

There's plenty of others, but those are a start from the cult my friend and I were considering starting. But now we won't need to, thanks to you. I always wanted to be a cult leader. :)