apocalypsos | I went to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre!

If nothing else, it was entertainingly bad. I was dying with laughter for an hour and a half straight.

You want to know what made it twice as funny? Every time Leatherface came out of nowhere and started chopping people up, "Bits and Pieces" by the Dave Clark Five popped into my head. Yay! Peppy, up-tempo dismemberment!

Oh, and they decapitated Harry Knowles, but given the chance, who wouldn't?

I'll give the guy credit, though. Leatherface does sew together his own flesh masks, which shows a nice grasp of arts and crafts. Of course, when his mother told him to make some friends, I don't think that's what she was getting at.

And also, R. Lee Ermey is a fuckin' psychopath, but you knew that.

Screaming!Jessica was hysterical, too, although it mostly had to do with wearing Old Navy flares in 1973 and talking about her misspent childhood. Dude, we've seen "Seventh Heaven". We understand.

They did kind of lose me on why they didn't just toss the dead hitcher out in the beginning of the movie. Skynyrd tickets? And they're front row?! Oh, no ... you break absolutely no karmic laws if you dump corpses to go to see Skynyrd concerts, front row. It's like Coldplay concerts now, although Coldplay fans would be more apt to angst and write crappy poetry for the rest of the ride. (Hey, I speak as someone who owns Parachutes and Rush of Blood, all right?)

Just about the only thing Screaming!Jessica did that I liked was towards the end when she hacked off Leatherface's right arm. Now, Jessica, I think we all know that if Ash is any example, a working right arm is not a requirement in the chainsaw-wielding field.

EDIT: Bwahahahaha! You know what I just realized after checking IMDb? The actor who plays Leatherface also played Chip Shrek in "Batman Returns". As if I didn't have enough funny mental images because of that movie, now I keep picturing Christopher Walken coming into the room mid-Leatherface-massacre and snotting about his technique.

Ooo! And then Michelle Pfeiffer could backflip in dressed in black vinyl and kick R. Lee Ermey's ass.

Hrm. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate Halle Berry?

No? Well, now that that's remedied ...