I usually don't touch wank with a ten-foot pole if I can help it ...

[apocalypsos]

... which, when I phrase it like that, sounds a lot dirtier than I intended.

But the whole BNF thing caught my eye.

I'm not named (thank God, since I'm not sure how to respond to wank directed at me), but I've seen people call me a BNF, which ... seriously, I always feel the mental urge to look to my left and right looking for the much more popular person standing next to me. I was a dork in high school. I still feel like the dork few like and most tolerate.

I honestly have no idea how I got here. One day I was posting silly top ten lists on the Rysher Highlander forum, the next I was ... well, here. *hands in air*

I do one thing well -- I write. I can't seem to find a job I like and I can't manage money to save my life and I think the whole virginity thing makes it obvious my love life is a joke. Hell, I didn't even develop much of a social life until I moved back from DC. I mostly just latched onto whomever would take me. I've only recently stopped letting people trample all over me in arguments and taking the blame even if it wasn't my fault. And this is the first job I've ever worked where I've willingly gone out on the weekends drinking or bowling with my co-workers and friends.

I put off washing my dishes for days. If my cat weren't an extremely vocal Siamese with a yowl like a foghorn I'd probably forget to feed him while I'm writing the same way I forget to feed myself. Hell, I'm lucky I remember to pay my bills on time.

In summation, the cognitive dissonance between whether or not I might be a BNF and the fact that I still and possibly will always feel like that shy girl with the glasses who never talked to anyone because she was too afraid of being hurt just ... well, I tend to be a little, "*blushes* Oh, look at that shiny dangling object just out of view! *scampers away*" about compliments. I'm extremely grateful for any good things I hear, but I get so self-conscious my response to them is mostly to stammer and change the subject. Hey, at least I'm not listening to most critiques and insults and going into my room to cry and contemplate suicide like I used to. (Oh, yeah. Fun times, there.)

So the phrase "BNF" completely throws me off most of the time. I tend to self-identify a little too much and picture someone else sitting at home mentally looking to the left and the right looking for the more popular person someone else is talking to. And I'd love to pimp a bunch of people or beta everyone I know or write fanfic until my hands fall off but ... you know, my bathroom needs cleaning. Or it's the holidays and I need to go buy presents. Or I need to work overtime to buy a futon. Or I have to send out my rent check. And now I apparently have to find a new job, just in case. So I can't do half of the stuff I want to. (Not to mention that I'm absent-minded and forget to respond to comments ... and forget ... and forget, until all of a sudden there are six hundred messages in my email and I'm all, "Yoinks!")

While I'm online and in fandom I put into it as much as I can. I like to think that everybody else does, too.

God only knows when the hell I became an optimist, but there you go. :)

Comments

[phillyexpat.livejournal.com]

What on earth is a BNF?

[robyn-ma.livejournal.com]

I'm guessing Big-Name Fan.

[fallofrain.livejournal.com]

*sniff* I knew someday you'd be a star. *blows nose in hanky*

Seriously, though, I usually attribute BNF to people who are seriously overrated and have hoards of rabid fans who'll rip apart anyone who doesn't believe said BNF is the center of the universe.

I don't think you fit into that, so you're ok.

[wrenlet.livejournal.com]

Okay, but the original meaning -- and yes it DOES still get used this way -- is "Person other people recognize." This assumption that all so-called BNFs are jerks and egomaniacs is just as poisonous as the assumption that someone who is "a name" is automatically better than someone who is not.

[fallofrain.livejournal.com]

*throws hands up in surrender* Ok, calm down.

In my experience, BNFs tend to lean toward what I described. I realize there are people who are 'recognized' in such a fashion who are still down to earth people. I know a few.

Meant no offense, it's not serious bizniz to me.

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

I still and possibly will always feel like that shy girl with the glasses who never talked to anyone because she was too afraid of being hurt

Heh, I'm so there with you. But I found that the best way over that was just to stop caring what people say and/or think about me. I'm a bitch? Fine, whatever. I'm awesome? Thanks, nice to hear, but I'm not going to base my self-esteem around it.

So I guess I'm just commenting to say that it sounds like you have a healthy attitude, and honestly the whole BNF debate is dumb. One person's BNF is another person's "Never heard of them."

[titti]

You know it had too happen. When a fandom gets too big, it's inevitable, no matter how 'nice' it is.

On the other hand, I've read she's a minor, so she might be just venting (never mind that she insulted people in so many fandoms. LOL)

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

LESS WANK MORE PORN PLZ

[tobemeagain.livejournal.com]

Well don't run away or anything *and yes the ceiling fans are spinning nicely I noticed* but you do write extremely well, in multiple venues. You are definitely appreciated, honestly I often link your stories to several of my groundbound friends who don't have or want LJ accounts but love to read. Please keep up the adventures thanks

[iseult-variante.livejournal.com]

:) Yay, optimism!

The thing is, we're ALL dorks here, and "coolness" is measured on a different scale than in high school, or even offline generally. Fandom values talent and wit, and you have those things in SPADES. *covets your brain* The thing that always kills me about the "BNFs and Evol!" wank, every time it comes around, the people labelled as BNFs are the people who are talented and generous. Some people are dumb, trying to bring the good people down.