It's either this or stare at a wall.

[apocalypsos]

Things I cannot for the life of me understand, no matter how hard I try:

-- Why I want to smack Sarah Silverman so goddamn hard.

-- What makes Dane Cook so much funnier than any other random comedian.

-- Why hot actresses think Dane Cook is fuckable.

-- What was so special about Seinfeld.

-- What I was supposed to find remotely appealing or identifiable about any of the women on Sex and the City.

-- Why no one thinks Christian music is as funny as I think it is. (Have I ever mentioned how much I love reading the thank-yous in the books for the Christian CDs at work? "I'd like to thank Jesus, who's made out of light and goodness and cupcakes and cream cheese frosting and glitter, who touches me in all the naughty places because he's totally allowed to do that, who made me a better person out of glue and Popsicle sticks and named him Bob, who makes me breakfast and cuts the crusts of my sandwiches and pats me on the head and gives me ten dollars for every A I get on my midterms, who washes my underwear and makes my bed and taught me how to juggle. This one day we went to the movies and you bought me popcorn and Milk Duds, and when some guy's phone rang in the middle of the movie you waved your hand and it exploded. You are great and glorious and I totally friended you on MySpace! Oh, and also thanks to my mom, dad, wife, kids, agent, and bandmates. You did some stuff, too. I think.")

-- Why Nickelback is the anti-Christ rather than just an amusingly crappy band.

-- How Britney Spears was supposedly so terribly out of shape at the VMAs when every picture I've seen of her looks pretty good for a woman who's had two kids in as many years. (With the notable exception of the shitty extensions. Maybe it's just me who wants her to rock the short hair, listen to a lot of Joan Jett music and kick a little ass, but then again I want her to stop making Federline look like a good parent and that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon either.)

-- The appeal of Two and a Half Men.

-- Why people keep insisting that my all-encompassing hatred of what Lost has become will fade away if I start watching again. (Uh, yeah. Not so much. By now, my hatred is a entity in its own right. Its name is Oscar. It rents the guest room.)

-- Why some idiot on the Manolo blog thinks that the Glamour cover I linked to before is not photoshopped, America Ferrera's hair is just big. (... WHAT.)

Don't mind me. I'm having a venting moment. :)

Comments

[wishforhome.livejournal.com]

Heh. Okay, I have NO IDEA who Dane Cook is, and I've never watched Lost, but I agree on most everything else. I was always confused as to why people thought Seinfeld was so funny; I mostly thought it was kinda dumb. And Christian music is pretty ridiculous. I remember when I bought the Lifehouse CD years and years ago and then read the liner notes and it was just this moment of "... What the... Dude, WHAT?" It was really amusing.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Please tell me that is a real thank you to Jesus. Because that would be hysterically shiny.

How Britney Spears was supposedly so terribly out of shape at the VMAs when every picture I've seen of her looks pretty good for a woman who's had two kids in as many years.

Fyeah. Right. She looks horrible. Let me tell you something--I would KILL to look that bad.

The appeal of Two and a Half Men.

It has appeal?

Why people keep insisting that my all-encompassing hatred of what Lost has become will fade away if I start watching again.

Funny, people keep telling me that my all-encompassing indifference to Lost will fade if I try watching it. I am, I think, the last American never to have seen the show, just as I have completely avoided watching Titanic. (If you know anything about TNT, you know that avoiding Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet takes actual effort.)

And here is a picture for you, because you need it:

(http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/01/13/i-hate-everything/)

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

The only time I ever genuinely laughed at a Seinfeld episode was during the "master of his domain" episode when Kramer left for twenty seconds, came back to slap down his money on the counter and said, "I'm out." One real laugh in how many seasons? Yeah, so not my cup of tea.

Dane Cook's a stand-up comedian, although he's been in a few movies in the last few years -- Employee of the Month, Good Luck Chuck, etc. It's not that he's not funny, he's just not as funny as every Dane Cook fan I've ever run into in real life tries to impress upon me that he is.

[lilacsigil.livejournal.com]

Why people keep insisting that my all-encompassing hatred of what Lost has become will fade away if I start watching again.

Don't do it! I was talked into watching Season 3 and I totally regret all that time, even though half of it was spent fast forwarding. Unless you're a big fan of Jack's Stupid Decisions Which Everyone, Even The Smart Characters, Thinks Are Totally Cool. In that case, please watch!

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Heh. Nope, not a real thank-you to Jesus, but I would not be surprised to find something along those lines in the liner notes.

Sadly enough, Titanic's one of my favorite guilty pleasures. I know it's cheesy and the romantic plot is absolute shite, but I just click ahead to the actual sinking and I feel much better. :)

Aw, pissed-off kitty. HEE.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Oh, God, every time the TWoP Lost recaplet goes up, I read it just to see if there's anything there that might appeal to me, and ... nope, nada.

[fools-game.livejournal.com]

I had this brief moment of hope for Britney when she shaved her head. I thought, maybe she's going to buck the trend and turn out to be interesting.

Alas, she was just going crazy. Foiled again.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Seriously. I have the same problem with Britney that I do with Lindsay Lohan -- I keep wanting both of them to wake up one morning and say, "What the hell am I doing?!" Hell, by all accounts of Federline and the kids, even he's achieved the realization that maybe he should stop acting like an asshat and grow the hell up. And if THAT guy can clean up his act and you can't? That's not good.

Granted, he's still kind of a joke, but he's improved from what he used to be compared to what Britney's doing to herself. She still looks better than everybody seems to be claiming since the VMAs, although she isn't as ripped as she used to be.

As for the performance itself ... okay, that much, I'm skipping out on. Once I heard the phrase "bad lip-syncing," I couldn't do it.

[revenantrose.livejournal.com]

Re: Sarah Silverman, it's because she buys into every last syllable of hype about her that got pumped out of the star-making machine she got shoved into from the other side and popped out more annoying than Jamie Foxx (and just as full of herself), and that takes real dedication. And the whole 12-year-old girl voice saying crude shit = funny routine? How did she make a whole career out of that?

I didn't know Nickelback was supposed to be the Anti-Christ. Really? They seem like such a generic wannabe hard rock band to me (they even have a song out about it). Maybe it's 'cause of that one song that everyone thought was so shocking because it started out "I like your pants around your feet." Heh. I actually kinda like that one.

The Lost thing--so it's not just me! I thought I was some kind of cynical freak.

[kelly-girl.livejournal.com]

Britney looked hot. As a woman who's had three kids, I was totally cheering her and her body on. Yes, she's got trainers and all that but damn, that sparkly underwear was on point.

That photoshopped pic is horrible. I kept trying to figure out why she had no inner elbow creases.

[beanarie.livejournal.com]

Down with Dane Cook. I once posted asking people wtf was so great about him, and the most enthusiastic answer was basically "Yes, he does do the same material as everyone else. But he's so STOKED about it. It's infectious." Funnily enough, that did nothing to sway my vote.

My mom watches Two and Half Men and it kind of makes me want to disown her a little bit.

People and the media really need to learn the difference between fat and not skinny. Also heinous and not perfect. Brit was rocking a little back fat there, but the woman didn't even jiggle. Dang. And switch on The Biggest Loser for a little perspective and shut up about it already. Thank you.

[jacinthsong.livejournal.com]

I saw the Glamour comment too! Delusional - did s/he see what they'd done to her arms? They looked like a twelve year old's. Christ.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Honest to God. "She looks smaller because her hair is big!" Exactly how big does she think America's hair is?

It reminds me of Friends when they were watching the old video of the Gellar Thanksgiving and Monica made a comment about her fat younger self that the camera adds ten pounds, and Chandler was like, "So exactly how many cameras were on you?"

[killerweasel.livejournal.com]

I don't think Sarah Silverman is funny. She wasn't too bad on Greg the Bunny, but otherwise, she makes my hackles go up.

I watched Sex in the City for the guys. Didn't like any of the females on the show, and I really wanted to smack Sarah Jessica Parker's character upside the head. So glad they're making a movie. bleh

Didn't think Britney looked bad. Sure, she doesn't have the same build she did back before she had kids, but she didn't look horrible either.

I'm done with Lost. Bleh on it. BLEH!

[katikat.livejournal.com]

It's so refreshing to meet an American who isn't all gung-ho about religion. I think I may cry and hug you now :)

And I totally agree about Lost. I never liked that thing but whenever I said that, people wanted to tear my head off *izscared*

[astaria51.livejournal.com]

I think Dane Cook is really funny but also a huge jackass; and I think many other comedians are...also really funny.

Christian rock thank yous ARE really funny, as are the thank yous of boy bands as they are usually exactly the same. I sometimes like Christian rock but it doesn't make it not funny.

Dude, I thought Britney looked pretty good given the givens. I thought her performance was abysmal and she might have picked some better clothing, but what does it say about our country that we're like, "Screw you, fatty mcfatterson. Get off the stage." HELLO? I wish MY abs looked that good in a bikini, or, at all.

Two and a Half Men USED to be funny...I haven't seen it in forever.

Hahaha. I never bought into Lost. I defy you, ABC.

[vass]

Up until last month, I didn't even know Two and a Half Men existed, lucky me. Then I was on an aeroplane. They were showing it as in-flight entertainment to the captive audience. I turned up my mp3 player and played Zelda II on my GBA, but I could still see this flickering mindlessness from out of the corner of my eye.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

There was just no way in hell I could get into Sex and the City. The combination of Sarah Jessica Parker and characters who spend more on shoes than I do on rent was a downer.

[silent-sybil.livejournal.com]

I read something, actually, that said Federline had threatened to somehow force her to take a drug test, and that she shaved her hair off so they wouldn't be able to find anything. But that might just have been mean gossip. :D

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

What I was supposed to find remotely appealing or identifiable about any of the women on Sex and the City.

Sing it, sistah! Shallow, unfunny, sexist, and filled with actresses who desperately needed a fucking sandwich.

[estrella30.livejournal.com]

The appeal of Two and a Half Men.

HA HA HA. dude - YES. I AGREE. I just - there is NOTHING FUNNY about that show. EVER.

(also, HI!! *waves*)

[anne-jumps.livejournal.com]

My parents are always trying to get me to watch "Two and a Half Men." 9_9 I haven't yet.

[ignited.livejournal.com]

Man, I agree with this list SO much. The thank-yous in the Christian CDs! Heh. I've taken time to read CD booklets like that once in a while because it is funny (and lengthy. And sparkly, too.)

I stopped watching Lost because I didn't have time and after 2 or 3 episodes of S3? I didn't want to make time. Right now I'm still woefully behind watching shows as it is; that one is really not near the top of the list at all any longer.

I wish there was a way to reach into the internet and take away Photoshop from the person who worked on the America Ferrera picture. It's so WEIRD looking. Gahh.

Anyway, hi. ::waves:: I lurk. And really shouldn't, but such is my discbombobulated-ness. I'll try to stop doing that! :)

[pescivendolo.livejournal.com]

Sarah Silverman is driving me crazy as well. And I hate that she's the worst thing on her own show. I want to watch it just for Brian and Steve, the gay couple. Their Tab episode was brilliant, but you have to fast forward through Sarah being annoying and mentally handicapped. It's awful.

[silveraspen]

I applaud your venting moment with great enthusiasm, because yes. To most of it, anyway (but then again I haven't looked at Christian music in about 10-12 years, it may have gotten a lot funnier).

All the rest, though? Oh yeah.

[hetrez.livejournal.com]

You want to smack Sarah Silverman because she's an idiot. Or maybe that's just me.

[moonpupy.livejournal.com]

Word.

[septembergrrl.livejournal.com]

How Britney Spears was supposedly so terribly out of shape at the VMAs when every picture I've seen of her looks pretty good for a woman who's had two kids in as many years.

Did you see the film? Her body, I agree, is good for someone who had 2 kids right on top of each other. I think if she was just not as thin as she used to be, people who are not complete assholes would understand. But she really couldn't move, and I think that's more what people mean. Her whole performance looked like she was just trying to keep up with her backing dancers, and barely succeeding. It was sad, especially given what a good performer she used to be.

[angry-geologist.livejournal.com]

I can help you with a few of those:

- Sarah Silverman is annoying because she thinks she's funny and she's not.

- I haven't watched TV regularly in over two years, so I have no idea who Dane Cook is.

- Seinfeld... it was just funny, and I think it was special because it went out on the top of the game.

- Apparently, we were supposed to find the women on Sex and the City empowered sexually. Again- I haven't watched TV in the past two years, and didn't get HBO when I did, so there ya go.

- Replace the word "Christian" in Christian Rock with some other religion. Islamic Rock? Buddhist Rock? Hindu Rock? It's frakkin hilarious!

-Dunno.

- Everyone is used to seeing airbrushed images of women, so they think a woman is obese when they see a real one. I believe this is brought on by misogynists and ad executives for the beauty and diet industries, who are quite possibly the same people.

- My parents watch Two and a Half Men too. I don't get it either. I think it's an old people thing.

- They like it and you don't.

- See #7.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah, I thoroughly buy the thing about her being out of practice, and I'm not the least bit surprised. But I've seen more than a few, "She got fat!" comments and it's like, "... you're kidding, right?"

But, yeah. The bad dancing thing, I get. Because really, why would she put any more work into getting into shape than she has into anything else in the last year or so? I get the impression sometimes that she's making a comeback solely because that's what everybody expects, not because she wants to. She doesn't seem like she's got the drive or the energy of someone who seriously wants to be there. Hell, it doesn't seem like she has the energy to be anywhere anymore.

[septembergrrl.livejournal.com]

Hell, it doesn't seem like she has the energy to be anywhere anymore.

I think you're right. I think she should take a year or five off, go back to Louisiana, hang out with her babies, quit drinking and whatever else she's doing to self-destruct in public, and then think about her career.

But I don't think she's got anyone around her who will make her do that.

I can't believe I have such strong opinions about Britney Friggin' Spears' personal life.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

I can't believe I have such strong opinions about Britney Friggin' Spears' personal life.

Tell me about it. You know what I think it is? (For me personally, anyway.) It's the apathy. Why is she not fucking pissed about anything? The guy she defended like crazy when she hooked up with him turned out to be exactly what everybody else thought he was. She hasn't produced an album in a while. Hell, she's barely worked at all in a while. Most of what we've seen of her has been these gross, pathetic pictures of her looking like a complete mess. There's all these horrible stories about she barely thinks about those kids at all, that Federline's doing a better, more thoughtful parenting job than she is. Everybody thinks that she's a useless, talentless hack who's been sitting on the shelf too damn long.

And the more I see her, the more I want to see her ANGRY. I want to see her turn around on America and snap, "You know what? FUCK Y'ALL. I can be a good person, a good mother, and a fucking awesome pop star. Just you watch." 'Cause, seriously, it's like with Justin Timberlake -- I don't particularly like him sometimes, but the guy knows how to perform and sell a goddamn pop song. I wish he'd stop trying to be Michael Jackson, but at least he's trying to be the Michael Jackson we all grew up with rather than the Michael Jackson with a nose he could cut cans of tuna fish open with who touches little boys.

I get the impression she fires anyone who tells her she might want to clean her act up. Which just sucks on toast all around, really.

[juice817.livejournal.com]

And what I've heard is that he's literally doing the same material as everyone else - there are comedians who won't tour with him because he steals their routines. Yeah, he's good looking, but so are hundreds of other guys out there. *shrug*

[swingangel.livejournal.com]

That was the only episode I saw, it was during one of our VERY rare "lets surf channels and see if we still hate television" moments - if it wasnt' for her that episode would have been hilarious.

[swingangel.livejournal.com]

I think i'm just going to /sign this whole rant.

[tenebris.livejournal.com]

The "I like your pants" song (Figured You Out) is pretty much the only Nickelback song I've ever truly enjoyed. (Well, and "Far Away," but that's because I'm a sentimental dope.) I once had a long argument with my friend in which I tried to convince her that that song could equally be about two men as a guy and a girl. She didn't much buy it. ;)

[scary-being-me.livejournal.com]

I've never seen Lost either.

[scary-being-me.livejournal.com]

I hated Seinfeld.

[anonymous_sibyl]

Why Nickelback is the anti-Christ rather than just an amusingly crappy band.

Because Chad Kroeger was mean to my imaginary rock star boyfriend. *points to icon*

... Just me?

[etoilepb.livejournal.com]

I didn't think much of Seinfeld... until I moved to New York City. I walk past the exterior shot of the coffeeshop every day, now. And I realize, having lived here 2 1/2 years now, that really, life in NYC actually can be that surreal. And usually is.

But I hate Sarah Silverman. Just the promo spots for her show make me want to bitchslap someone.

[faith21.livejournal.com]

Ditto to Nickelback. Some of there stuff is even catchy/decent.

I said as much on statements about Britney looking good for someone who just had two kids. I still wouldn't have worn that particular outfit on stage though, if I was her. Or you know, ever, because I have less self-confidence than she does.

The appeal of Two and a Half Men.
OMG yes.

Also, if it's the cover of a magazine, it's photoshopped. End of story.

[jedilora.livejournal.com]

I saw him live once at college. On the Izzard scale, he's about a Gran Coat on, Cake on my Head, I'm the Queen , I live forever.

[ancientsavvy.livejournal.com]

I'm another who's never seen Lost. :-)

[shadow-phoenix2.livejournal.com]

Can I Metaquote this? Pretty please!?!
Why no one thinks Christian music is as funny as I think it is. (Have I ever mentioned how much I love reading the thank-yous in the books for the Christian CDs at work? "I'd like to thank Jesus, who's made out of light and goodness and cupcakes and cream cheese frosting and glitter, who touches me in all the naughty places because he's totally allowed to do that, who made me a better person out of glue and Popsicle sticks and named him Bob, who makes me breakfast and cuts the crusts of my sandwiches and pats me on the head and gives me ten dollars for every A I get on my midterms, who washes my underwear and makes my bed and taught me how to juggle. This one day we went to the movies and you bought me popcorn and Milk Duds, and when some guy's phone rang in the middle of the movie you waved your hand and it exploded. You are great and glorious and I totally friended you on MySpace! Oh, and also thanks to my mom, dad, wife, kids, agent, and bandmates. You did some stuff, too. I think.")
Awesome, awesome post! ^_^

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

*snickers* Go right ahead. :)

[lots42.livejournal.com]

Because her character is a smug asshole.

And her commercials are dumb. If one is going to talk about heaving breasts, the boobies in question better actually be MOVING.

[lots42.livejournal.com]

I tried to watch Seinfeld. But I just wanted to reach into the screen and throttle everyone for destroyin their own lives with stupid.

I've watched two and a half men. It makes no sense...but it does so in a funny way. Sitcoms actually being funny is rare. And hell, nowadays, sitcoms actually being ON TV is rare.

[shadow-phoenix2.livejournal.com]

Thanks. ^_^ Done:
http://community.livejournal.com/metaquotes/6301728.html
Hope you like it!

[sadiekate.livejournal.com]

Oh, I hear you on the Christian music. There is a lovely young man I work with who is so funny and kind and adorable and witty and bright, but who is SO INTO THE JESUS MUSIC TO THE EXCLUSION OF NEARLY ALL ELSE. A few weeks ago he and I worked an overnight shift at our store, and since there were no customers around, I brought in a good 12 hours worth of random music. I ended up spending an hour and a half explaining to him the history of hip-hop, including its many permutations and social and political contributions to society after he started complaining that Aesop Rock was "thug music". He actually ended up coming around somewhat, and appreciating some things ... and then came in all excited a few days later to give me a CD of some Christian rapper who was trying to emulate Eminem and talking about heathens going to hell and whatnot. Points for effort, I guess?