Oh, good God, am I tired.

First off ...

Bad news: I got pulled over for speeding today by a really, really cute policeman.
Good news: I got off!
Bad news: Not in the fun way being pulled over by a really, really cute policeman should imply. Damn it.

The even better news was the reason I got off -- because the police officer, who was a local one, took one look at my inspection sticker and said it was expired. A nice trick, considering I only got it three months ago after $500 worth of quite possibly unnecessary repair work by the increasingly crappy inspection place. I told him about the three-months-ago bit, and where I got it done, and he let me off with a warning before using a nasty word I've never heard a policeman use and saying he was going to go yell at the inspection place. HA! Take that, bee-yotches. Yes, revenge is a dish best served cold. (Okay, granted, revenge was probably cold in this case because it was sitting in a pot on the back porch festering for three months as it waited to be delivered, but still.)

Then we went to go see a baseball game played by our local Triple A disaster -- um, team. I meant team. To be honest, I suppose they're not all that bad, but they're still boring as hell to watch. Not to mention that the Cinemark is located on a piece of land right above the outfield, which means I had a clear view of the theater from where I was sitting. I would have been pissed at the silent taunt that was the giant red Cinemark in the shadows up there, but every once in a while, I'd stare up at the theater, imagine myself sitting in a showing of "Legally Blonde 2," shudder violently for a minute or two, and suddenly the game seemed new and exciting. Go figure.

I did get drunk at the game, though, which was good. I wasn't all that sure I was drunk, but then I started wondering if the team mascot was wearing underwear and I figured that was as good a sign as any.

And just to give you some idea of what a day with my family is like, my cousin's husband offered to let my mom see him naked after he got out of the shower at their house, my mom complained loudly at the baseball game about my father throwing his nuts at her, and after my mom told my cousin she wanted to go have sex on the beach in Ocean City, my cousin started telling her how sand in the bathing suit area was probably going to make a hell of a lot of pearls if my parents tried that.

"And that, Your Honor, is why I'm pleading insanity."

(no subject)

Today is Dubya's birthday, and after I stopped wondering why that jackass deserved presents today and I didn't, I figured out the perfect present to give him on this special day. So everybody sing "Happy Birthday" really, really slowly, because I replaced all of his birthday candles with leftover M-80s and if you don't slow down, he might not get those hospital bills and third-degree burns I wasn't sure anyone else would be getting him.

(Except for you, uberbitsch, but heck, you're seven hours away time-zone wise, if I'm counting right, and I figured I'd save you the trip. And hey, you can always see the results on Ogrish right next to the deformed baby pictures sometime this week. *g*)

Quote of the day ...

My brother, about the kid in "The Shining": "Redrum! Redrum! Jesus, if I were that kid's mother, I would have smacked him upside the head. 'Shut up, you little brat! You sound like a crazy crack-addict duck!'"

How sad is it that as soon as he said that, I thought, "Yeeeeeeah, he did sound like a crazy crack-addict duck!"

I also got a really depressing mental image of what Howard the Duck was doing a year after his movie bombed at the box office. Lea Thompson was also in my mental image, but trust me, you don't want to know what she was doing. Or what Howard the Duck was smoking his crack out of, for that matter.

EDIT: Dude, my computer is taking forever and a day to load. I'm about five seconds away from challenging the damn thing to a duel to see who loads first -- it, or me with a grenade launcher. Hey, it's called incentive, people. Look it up.