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I may have to get this off my chest.
Jan. 4th, 2012 08:27 amDear rest of the country,
We need to have a serious discussion about your bigoted relative. You know the one. He's nice most of the time, and he's family, so regardless of what he might say in mixed company you still find a way to love him. That said, there's only so many times you can smack your forehead when your daughter brings her black boyfriend over and Racist Grandpa is in the middle of hiding the TV "just in case", or when your niece comes to Thanksgiving eight months pregnant and all alone and Misogynist Great-Uncle drops the word "slut" into casual conversation with a pointed look at her, or when your cousin's boy brings his nice new boyfriend over for the Fourth of July barbecue and Homophobic Sister starts avoiding his touch while mentioning AIDS.
Yeah, that douchebag. You know the one.
Rick Santorum is that douchebag.
Now, it's highly unlikely that he'll make it to the nomination, because you will hopefully learn the lesson that Pennsylvania learned quite nicely. Yes, he's a Christian, and yes, he's happily married and has the requisite four billion children. He's for traditional families. Alas, you will find that he's only for HIS traditional family. Fuck your traditional family if you're more of a Christmas-and-Easter Christian, fuck your traditional family if the fetus your wife is carrying is killing her and the only way to save her is a late-term abortion, fuck your traditional family if your idea of a traditional family includes being able to decide when you have your kids and how many you have.
Oh, and also, fuck gay people, women, anyone who's not white, and non-Christians. Well, certain Christians.
Oh, he looks innocuous. He's wearing a sweater vest! He has gay friends! (Marcus Bachmann counts, right?) And black friends! And he's married to a woman, and fathered some, so he doesn't actually HATE them ALL, right?
For one thing, he doesn't have black friends. He doesn't have gay friends. If you have black friends and gay friends, they are not your black and gay friends. They are your friends, and you know enough to know they're not a badge of honor to use to defend yourself against acting like a wanker.
Here is a list of things that Rick Santorum has compared to or associated with gay sex or gay marriage -- fucking a dog, loving your mother-in-law, marrying a napkin, proposing to forty-seven people, hooking up with a small child, the difference between a paper towel and a napkin, the difference between water and beer, the difference between a cup of tea and a basketball, asking to be poor, and 9-11.
How is he not clinically fucking insane?
The answer is simple, other 49 states. HE IS. (Don't even ask why we didn't commit him ourselves. I'm still trying to figure it out.)
Aside from the fact that his views on gay marriage and homosexuality tell us nothing about gay sex and about a million disturbing things about his own sex life, he is a total tosser. He's an idiot spank monkey, and his behavior only gets worse when you vote for him, because he sees it like it rightly is -- as approval to go out in public and be an even BIGGER tosser. Voting for him is like agreeing to have the biggest cursing drunken racist in your family to give the wedding toast at your reception. What, you were surprised when Grandpa announced to the room that your first boyfriend was black and then proceeded to tell ten minutes worth of jokes about the size of black men's dicks? You were shocked when Aunt Edith got up at your wedding and announced that at least this was a real wedding unlike your brother's marriage to Steve, which was a sick abomination unto the Lord? What the fuck did you expect them to say?
Republicans, I know your selection this year is ridiculously pathetic. I know that you don't like Obama -- there's nothing wrong with that; the man isn't perfect after all -- and I know that you'd like a good Republican in the White House. Rick Santorum isn't that good Republican. He's not even a good man. Most of the time, he fails at being a passable human. Whether he likes it or not, most of the time he's the walking pile of lube and fecal matter he wishes Google wouldn't say he first and foremost was.
Sincerely,
Pennsylvania
P.S. No, seriously, he sucks balls.
P.P.S. Whoever's balls he's been sucking, please come forward. We will thank you forever.
We need to have a serious discussion about your bigoted relative. You know the one. He's nice most of the time, and he's family, so regardless of what he might say in mixed company you still find a way to love him. That said, there's only so many times you can smack your forehead when your daughter brings her black boyfriend over and Racist Grandpa is in the middle of hiding the TV "just in case", or when your niece comes to Thanksgiving eight months pregnant and all alone and Misogynist Great-Uncle drops the word "slut" into casual conversation with a pointed look at her, or when your cousin's boy brings his nice new boyfriend over for the Fourth of July barbecue and Homophobic Sister starts avoiding his touch while mentioning AIDS.
Yeah, that douchebag. You know the one.
Rick Santorum is that douchebag.
Now, it's highly unlikely that he'll make it to the nomination, because you will hopefully learn the lesson that Pennsylvania learned quite nicely. Yes, he's a Christian, and yes, he's happily married and has the requisite four billion children. He's for traditional families. Alas, you will find that he's only for HIS traditional family. Fuck your traditional family if you're more of a Christmas-and-Easter Christian, fuck your traditional family if the fetus your wife is carrying is killing her and the only way to save her is a late-term abortion, fuck your traditional family if your idea of a traditional family includes being able to decide when you have your kids and how many you have.
Oh, and also, fuck gay people, women, anyone who's not white, and non-Christians. Well, certain Christians.
Oh, he looks innocuous. He's wearing a sweater vest! He has gay friends! (Marcus Bachmann counts, right?) And black friends! And he's married to a woman, and fathered some, so he doesn't actually HATE them ALL, right?
For one thing, he doesn't have black friends. He doesn't have gay friends. If you have black friends and gay friends, they are not your black and gay friends. They are your friends, and you know enough to know they're not a badge of honor to use to defend yourself against acting like a wanker.
Here is a list of things that Rick Santorum has compared to or associated with gay sex or gay marriage -- fucking a dog, loving your mother-in-law, marrying a napkin, proposing to forty-seven people, hooking up with a small child, the difference between a paper towel and a napkin, the difference between water and beer, the difference between a cup of tea and a basketball, asking to be poor, and 9-11.
How is he not clinically fucking insane?
The answer is simple, other 49 states. HE IS. (Don't even ask why we didn't commit him ourselves. I'm still trying to figure it out.)
Aside from the fact that his views on gay marriage and homosexuality tell us nothing about gay sex and about a million disturbing things about his own sex life, he is a total tosser. He's an idiot spank monkey, and his behavior only gets worse when you vote for him, because he sees it like it rightly is -- as approval to go out in public and be an even BIGGER tosser. Voting for him is like agreeing to have the biggest cursing drunken racist in your family to give the wedding toast at your reception. What, you were surprised when Grandpa announced to the room that your first boyfriend was black and then proceeded to tell ten minutes worth of jokes about the size of black men's dicks? You were shocked when Aunt Edith got up at your wedding and announced that at least this was a real wedding unlike your brother's marriage to Steve, which was a sick abomination unto the Lord? What the fuck did you expect them to say?
Republicans, I know your selection this year is ridiculously pathetic. I know that you don't like Obama -- there's nothing wrong with that; the man isn't perfect after all -- and I know that you'd like a good Republican in the White House. Rick Santorum isn't that good Republican. He's not even a good man. Most of the time, he fails at being a passable human. Whether he likes it or not, most of the time he's the walking pile of lube and fecal matter he wishes Google wouldn't say he first and foremost was.
Sincerely,
Pennsylvania
P.S. No, seriously, he sucks balls.
P.P.S. Whoever's balls he's been sucking, please come forward. We will thank you forever.
