apocalypsos | (no subject)

Complete with jaunty photo of the author ...

Hey, it's the best I could come up with on short notice, all right?

Ahem.

How to Be An Asshat in Ten Easy Lessons

1. First, show up. -- It is very difficult to be an asshat if you are not actually in the room. Becoming an asshat is made much easier once you arrive at a place. It helps a lot if you call ahead of time and give everyone the impression you're not showing up, and then actually come anyway. People hate that, especially considering what it takes to hide the streamers and the pointy hats at a moment's notice.

2. Be gullible. -- That pointy hat and streamers bit? Yeah, that's a joke. But to be an asshat, if someone mentions any sort of celebration regarding your potential absence, you should immediately act depressed and pretend you think they're serious.

3. Never shut up. -- And when I say that, I mean you should learn how to breathe through your eyeballs to make it ten times easier for you to ramble incoherently.

4. Know everything. -- Oh, I'm not saying you actually have to learn anything. Reading and experiencing life? Pshaw! You can always fake your way through any conversation -- remember that. For example, if someone with four tattoos is asked about the pain involved, you certainly would know more about what it feels like ... you know, because you had that friend who got that thing one time.

5. No one can live without you. -- You are a vital part of everybody's day. And should you perchance have the opportunity to find new employment, you should go to everyone you can and remind them that when you're gone, they will have to do all your work. They should also be reminded that you will not be there to pick up their slack and so they're just going to have to do the work of two.

6. No, you're a stupidhead. -- The way to win any argument is to turn the conversation around. If you talk constantly about the supervisor who bothers you to the point where a co-worker inquires whether or not you have a crush on that person, it is a good idea to say, "Oh, no. She has a crush on me." Which is perfectly understandable, seeing as how you look like this:

7. When you don't care about an annoying co-worker, everyone should know so. -- In fact, you should talk about it constantly, in great detail, over and over again, for hours on end, until you're blue in the face, so that everybody knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you absolutely do not care what she thinks. Really. No, really.

8. Remember, why would you hate women? Your mum is one. -- Well, she is.

9. Everybody loves to hear your amusing anecdotes. -- A well-told anecdote is always enjoyed, particularly if the punchline of the joke involves an even bigger asshat than you. You should also, if possible, insert an obscure, unfunny and lame reference to a TV show/movie/book/comic/commercial from twenty years ago and then get pissy when nobody laughs. We all know these people are lying when they say they really understood the joke and didn't find it funny -- hey, it's funny if you know the reference at all. (Be sure to repeat it over and over again to make sure they've had a chance to recognize the reference. If you can, ask, "Know what movie that's from?" until someone gets it or you can think of an even more obscure film reference that makes you look That. Much. Smarter.)

And finally ...

10. People dislike you because they are intimidated by you. -- Ahem.