(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

Why don't they sell Gummi Bears by the colors? Seriously. I want to just buy a whole bunch of red ones, train them to kill and destroy, give a rousing speech with lots of wild hand gestures, and then use them to invade Poland.

Or, you know, eat them all, 'cause the red ones are my favorites. But I honestly can't figure out where the violent warmongering and crimes against humanity come in with that scenario.

Probably when you leave all of the orange Gummis bitter and alone in the candy store.

Comments

[wal-lace.livejournal.com]

Now, that is a long story, and it goes back to the 1950s and the Jelly Baby Wars.

It was a dark and terrible time. Most of what went on is still under Congressional seal, and will never be revealed to the public. The slaughter was terrible, and you may notice that no Jelly product includes purple creatures of any kind - they were exterminated in the Bombing of Des Moines.

Ultimately, Eisenhower came up with a solution of remarkable cunning. The great weakness of the jelly babies was that they were naturally sectarian, dividing themselves up according to colour. The reds were, needless to say, the most brutal and warlike, and it was they who perpetrated the most terrible acts of the war.

The world was saved when, on Presidential orders, a mutagenic virus was released among the jelly baby population, preventing them from breeding true. Jelly genetics eventually stabilised, but only after such bastard sub-species as Gummi Bears and Snakes had evolved. Moreover, the colour of Jelly offspring was no longer a matter of genetics, but of random mutation. The colours were automatically desegregated, and their war effort fell apart. They were returned to being food.

The Eighth Secret Amendment to the Constitution orders that no gathering of Jelly creatures should ever be more than 23% one colour, for the good of humanity.

Good luck building that army. If you can find a way to build a force entirely of Reds, then nothing, nothing, will be able to stop you.



I need to find something better to do with my time...