apocalypsos: (witch princess)
[personal profile] apocalypsos
"The Passion of the Christ": A Review in Q&A Form


So. You went to see "The Passion of the Christ", huh?

Well, then. I live under a rock. What's "The Passion of the Christ" about?


Once upon a time, there was this guy who was a long-haired, very tall Boy Scout. So of course, his friend sold him out and he got the crap beat out of him for an hour and a half in movie years and then he died. But then in the last scene, he came back from the dead, so it was cool.

Isn't this movie about Jesus?

Yes.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Because when I put it that way, it makes you think twice about going to see the movie, doesn't it? Because that plot right there defies the laws of physics by both sucking and blowing.

But ... but ... that sounds like the plot of almost every episode of "Highlander: The Series". Dude, is Duncan McLeod God?

...

Don't make me hurt you.

I've got to know. Who are the characters in this obviously intriguing film?

Uh, yeah. Right.

Jesus of Nazareth ... The only son of God. Quite handy with a hammer and nails, which is funny (or, you know, not), considering the crucifixion and all. Has the appropriate length hair to actually be in the band Nazareth, most famous for their song "Love Hurts." Seriously, I don't make this shit up.

The Virgin Mary ... Jesus's mother. Impregnated by a deity. Prone to staring forlornly into the distance lamenting. What she's lamenting depends only on what her eyes catches before it occurs to her to engage in full-on lamenting. Woman can lament like you wouldn't believe.

Mary Magdelene ... Mary and Jesus's girl Friday. If I didn't know she was a prostitute buddy of ye olde Only Son of God, this movie would seriously have me believing she and Jesus had a thing. Like, a thing thing. Like, a "I now totally believe that theory about Jesus and Mary Magdelene being man and wife" thing. Mary and the other Mary spend most of their time weeping or consoling one other.

Poodle ... Okay, so there's nobody in the Bible named Poodle. But apparently, we were supposed to go into the movie with working knowledge of the entire Jesus's Death bit in the Bible right down to the tiniest detail. I know Poodle was a disciple, but I can't for the life of me remember which one or whether they referred to him by name at all. So I started thinking of him as Poodle, mostly because he followed the Mary twins around and had very unfortunate facial hair.

Peter ... One of Jesus's harem ... er, disciples. Denied Jesus three times. (Well, dude, they were beating the shit out of the guy at the time.)

Judas ... Another disciple. Totally sold out Jesus for thirty pieces of silver. That's okay, though, because then he gets attacked by Evil Demon Children from Hell. Or maybe they were just supposed to be innocent, everyday Jewish kids and Hutton Gibson got into the editing room.

Head Jewish Guy ... If he had a name, I don't remember anyone calling him by it. But basically, he's all bedecked in jewels and fancy robes, and his job is to stand off to the side and say, "Beat the crap out of him! Hit him with sticks! With whips! Crucify him! No, not that way, the way you do it for the really, really good people who don't deserve such torture!" Because let's remember, this film is NOT anti-Semetic.

King Herod ... Ruler of ... I don't know where. All I know is that he had a very bad wig, and if Joey Fatone has a shorter, chubbier twin, that was who portrayed him.

Pontius Pilate ... Head Roman in Charge type guy. Gets backed into a corner by everybody else on the planet at the time and is forced to crucify Jesus. Can only console himself with the fact that he's nailing a woman who looks just like Greta Scacchi.

Claudia, Pilate's wife ... Looks just like Greta Scacchi. Fabulous wardrobe.

Satan ... Evil fallen-angel-type bastisch. Remember Jaye Davidson in "The Crying Game"? Well, imagine someone kept him out of the sun for a decade, then pulled him out, dipped him in Nair, and tossed him into a Grim Reaper costume. Favorite accessory: A matching Pale Creepy-Chubby Baby, complete with "Holy fuck, what the hell's up with that kid's face?" Action!

So what's Jesus like?

Oh, he's swell! First off, he does this really great party trick which is sort of a reverse got-your-nose bit ... so if someone hacks off your ear, he totally puts it right back on. And he's really nice and kind and accepting of everyone, as long as they have a good heart. That'd probably make for the really good basis for a religion, don't you know. *nods solemnly* Also, along with all of the otherworldly abilities you get when you're the Son of God and all, Jesus also constructed an earlier version of the dining room set you see given away on "The Price is Right" all the time. (But not that much earlier.)

Ooo, and he's got a great ass.

You saw Jesus's ass?! What, you mean, under the loincloth?

No, I mean, you see a side view of Jesus's butt when he rises from the dead. Apparently, when Jesus rose from the dead, his pants didn't rise with him. However, the holes in his palms? Still there. He must be a bitchin' hide and seek player in the afterlife.

Hey, wait a second. I thought I read somewhere that Jim Caviezel refused to do a nude scene once because of his Catholic beliefs.

I don't know. Maybe it's okay to show your ass in public just as long as you're pretending it's Jesus's ass when you do it.

Dead Jesus is awfully pretty, isn't he?

Yes. Yes, he is.

Hell, Live Jesus is pretty good-looking, too. Doesn't it say something in the Bible about Jesus being kind of plain?

Shut up. We're trying to convert pre-teen girls and horny housewives.

Hey, isn't Jim Caviezel of Romanian descent? Shouldn't Jesus be played by someone of Middle Eastern descent?

Why would they do a stupid thing like that? I think we all know that Jesus did, in fact, look exactly like the blond blue-eyed hippie guy I graduated high school with. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, come on.

Okay, if it makes you feel any better, Jesus does have brown eyes in this movie.

So Jim wore colored contacts, then?

No, Jesus wore them. Way to edit out those lines in postproduction, Mel.

So, can I take my kids to see this movie?

If you're physically capable of doing so, I don't see why not. Especially if you're raising very short sadomasochists.

Is the violence really that bad?

Let's see. Whipping, whipping with hooks, hit with sticks, stoned, crown of thorns, guy getting his eye pecked out by a crow, squshing a snake, breaking kneecaps with hammers, being poked in the midsection with a spear until blood spurts out in a great big waterfall, maggoty horse corpse --

YES!!!!!!

But ... but my children must know how Jesus suffered!

Can't you just tell them that God made him eat spinach and clean his room and take out the garbage? Because I'm pretty sure telling them that is going to be a hell of a lot less traumatizing than watching Jesus get turned into ground chuck.

Oh. I guess it was very emotional for you, then, huh?

Amazingly enough, She Who Cries Over Hallmark Cards and Equally Insignificant Things did not cry when Jesus got the shit kicked out of him.

Seriously? Are you sick? Do you need a doctor? What the hell did you do with the real [livejournal.com profile] trollprincess?!

I ate her liver with some Cherry Pepsi and a bag of Cheetos, then buried the rest of her body somewhere on the grounds of the White House. Also, bite me.

Were you the only one in the audience not crying?

Uh, yup. Think so.

So what was more scary, the beating or the audience?

Dear Lord, the audience. Not so much in a obvious way, but at one point, I remember thinking that if that poll from a few weeks ago held true, it wasn't outside the realm of possibility that one of the people in that sold-out audience weeping over Jesus's torment would not mind at all paying $24.95 to see the same thing happen to Osama bin Ladin on PPV.

All right, so is the film anti-Semetic?

Well, of course not. Except for the part where the Jews capture him and beat the shit out of him, then go to the Romans and demand they beat the shit out him, then see him after the beating and demand the Romans crucify him, then seem to be the only people in the end who, for the most part, not all that moved by Jesus's plight.

So, no. Absolutely not anti-Semetic.

You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

Guess.

But Jesus was a Jew.

Don't say that too loud.

But yes, he was. That's why this film isn't anti-Semetic.

I don't understand.

Yeah, I don't, either. Just play along.

Did Mel do that "I'm a great director!" thing where a lot of the scenes were in slow motion?

YES. Filmmakers, please stop doing this. I beg you.

Yeah, but did he give you any "Hey, It's That Verse!" scenes?

Oh, sure. There's that whole foot-washing thing, and the "You will betray me three times" bit to Peter, and the Last Supper, which was apparently held at a very badly lit Olive Garden.

Where he served up bread that was supposed to represent his body, right?

Yeah. Considering the way he turned out in the end, steak tartar proably would have been more applicable.

Still can't get over that severe beating, can you?

Nope. It made me think a lot. Mostly, the word "EW" over and over again.

Okay, did you like the movie or not?

It was a really, really pretty movie, except for the parts with all the mangled flesh, and everybody seemed really dedicated to doing right by the story. I'd use the term "the feel-good movie of the year!", but, well, it wasn't.

Can I use this as a tool to convert my friends to Catholicism?

Why? Is it that hard to persuade them with offers of free wine and hits off the incense beaker?

I heard Mel Gibson in an interview saying that God worked through him to make this movie. Do you think it's as funny as I do that Mel just referred to himself as a tool?

*snerk* Yes. Yes, I do.

What do you think about God making this movie through Mel Gibson?

I think if he could get over his apparent grudge with the Jews, he could have used Steven Spielberg and made a better goddamn movie.

So the real question is -- is Mel Gibson a homophobe?

Well, you sure as hell couldn't tell with this movie. If it weren't for the fact that this was all Biblical and whatnot, this might just be the slashiest movie Mel Gibson's ever been associated with. I'm sorry, but if I hadn't known anything going into the movie, I would have thought Jesus had a private harem. Somewhere between the pedicure and the disciples following him everywhere ...

Um, slash has corrupted my brain.

What trailers do you see before a Bibical epic such as "The Passion of the Christ", anyway?

"The Alamo," "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow," and "Spider-Man 2". I can only assume that imagery of long, dangerous weapons whipping through the air in all three trailers was either entirely coincidental, or somebody's idea of a sick joke.

Thank you for going to see it so I don't have to.

Uh, you're welcome. I think.
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Date: 2004-02-28 05:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fire-and-a-rose.livejournal.com
If I didn't know she was a prostitute buddy of ye olde Only Son of God, this movie would seriously have me believing she and Jesus had a thing.

Random fact: scholars are split over whether or not Jesus and Mary Magdelene were married, but almost all of them agree that she wasn't a prostitute. There is a prostitute mentioned in the New Testament, but she's never called by name, and they're fairly certain she and Mary Magdelene are two different people.

And *whimper* I have to go see this movie with my mom and now I'm even more determined to think of a way out of it.

I love you.

Date: 2004-02-28 05:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bnh.livejournal.com
0mg jeezus d1e5?!?!?!!!!!!1????!

Date: 2004-02-28 05:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] semmie17.livejournal.com
But ... but ... that sounds like the plot of almost every episode of "Highlander: The Series". Dude, is Duncan McLeod God?

:::snarfs, spews, laughs out loud for real, and frightens upstairs neighbors with guffaws:::: Bullseye, babe. Bullseye!

Date: 2004-02-28 05:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] plumsnickety.livejournal.com
You regularly shag your flist senseless, and *then* you go and give us this little gem of a review?

I would say you're bucking for sainthood, but that would be a little hinky considering the topic at hand. Instead, I'll just say thank you and go pimp this review something awful.

BTW, I like this review so much better than the one given by the boys from the Catholic Student Union. Strange, that. *g*

Date: 2004-02-28 05:36 pm (UTC)
thornsilver: (gungirl)
From: [personal profile] thornsilver
I love you.

Date: 2004-02-28 05:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] overloved.livejournal.com
Thank you for going to see it so I don't have to.

Uh, you're welcome. I think.


Pretend this is a conversation we had. :)

Date: 2004-02-28 05:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] whyaduck.livejournal.com
That was beautiful. Thanks for saving me the eight bucks.

"and the Last Supper, which was apparently held at a very badly lit Olive Garden."

*snerk*

Date: 2004-02-28 05:42 pm (UTC)
akacat: A cute cat holding a computer mice by the cord. (Default)
From: [personal profile] akacat
or somebody's idea of a sick joke.

I suspect that working in a movie theater can lead to a really sick sense of humor.

Also, thank you for seeing the movie so I would not have to. I do appreciate you sacrificing yourself for me.

Date: 2004-02-28 05:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namey.livejournal.com
Unrelated: Icon!

Date: 2004-02-28 05:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] etoilepb.livejournal.com
After reading, like, half of your journal because you're metaquotsed so often, I've simply given up, and I'm adding you to my friends' list. I hope you don't mind. It was the Highlander comment that did me in, ultimately. ;)

Date: 2004-02-28 06:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fire-and-a-rose.livejournal.com
*grins* I love yours! I wanted to make a puppet!Angel mood theme, but he basically pouts through the whole show. There aren't really enough expressions.

Which isn't to say I won't try to make one yet. XD

Date: 2004-02-28 06:03 pm (UTC)
ext_7154: Bear watching TV in the woods (Saint)
From: [identity profile] karenbear.livejournal.com
But then in the last scene, he came back from the dead, so it was cool.

Well thanks for ruining the ending for me there. Sheesh!

Date: 2004-02-28 06:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jim-smith.livejournal.com
Head Jewish Guy ... If he had a name, I don't remember anyone calling him by it.

Caiaphas.

All right, so is the film anti-Semetic?

Well, of course not. Except for the part where the Jews capture him and beat the shit out of him, then go to the Romans and demand they beat the shit out him, then see him after the beating and demand the Romans crucify him, then seem to be the only people in the end who, for the most part, not all that moved by Jesus's plight.


The trick with this story is that any Jew who isn't out to get Jesus is, by virtue of liking Jesus, sort of a Christian. So even though Mary, Mary Magdalene, the apostles, the thug whose ear was healed, the people at the trial who criticized the Sanhedrin, and the other guy being crucified were all Jews, none of them are counted as positive Jewish characters to balance out the angry mob.

So it's incredibly difficult to make any version of this story without making the Jews-who-aren't-for-Jesus look bad. The only ones we get to see are the ones in the mob; the Jews who were ambivalent about the whole thing presumably stayed at home that day. Given that, I don't know what Gibson was supposed to do. He could have left the Jews out altogether, but then he'd be deviating so far from the source material that there'd be no point in adapting it at all. I guess he could have just not made the movie, but by the same logic Christians should just not read the New Testament.

I mean, look, I can't speak for Gibson's opinion of the Jews, but when I left the theater today I didn't see anyone gathering up some torches to start a pogrom. (More likely everyone was shaking their heads thinking "What was up with that fugly baby?") So even if the movie has an anti-Semitic agenda, it did a piss-poor job of promoting it.

Date: 2004-02-28 06:03 pm (UTC)
imperfect_tense: (Default)
From: [personal profile] imperfect_tense
But ... but ... that sounds like the plot of almost every episode of "Highlander: The Series". Dude, is Duncan McLeod God?

*snorts* He thinks he is, certainly. And he'd be wrong because God is Methos. ;)

Date: 2004-02-28 06:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] discordia.livejournal.com
What do you think about God making this movie through Mel Gibson?

I think if he could get over his apparent grudge with the Jews, he could have used Steven Spielberg and made a better goddamn movie.


You're brilliant :D

Date: 2004-02-28 06:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ceejayoz.livejournal.com
Teehee...

I read a thing on MSNBC.com about it, had a quote from someone saying "I dare anyone to watch this movie and not believe!" Unfortunately, I wasn't there to ask the person if they believed James Bond was real... :-/

Date: 2004-02-28 06:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] polaris-starz.livejournal.com
I give up. You've been [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]-ed so often and this post was utterly hilarious. *friends*

Date: 2004-02-28 06:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tempestas-lamia.livejournal.com
Can only console himself with the fact that he's nailing a woman who looks just like Greta Scacchi.

Would you believe it actually took me a minute to figure out that you didn't mean that the guy who plays Jesus was actually a girl?

...

I think I need to lay off the slash.

Date: 2004-02-28 06:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] girlwithjournal.livejournal.com
Pretend you had it with me, too.

Date: 2004-02-28 06:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lots42.livejournal.com
So did the Spider-Man 2 trailer feature Mary-Jane's Mutant Nipples or were they not in view for reasons of the movie? I know this is mostly rhetorical, it's just interesting to wonder if they cut out any of the hubba-hubba stuff for the previews running before Jesus Chainsaw Massacre.

Date: 2004-02-28 06:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lots42.livejournal.com
Methos looks like the classical, oft-filmed version of Jesus, sans the manly facial hair.

And Methos is five thousand years old.

Hmm. Sacrilige-Sense, tingling!

Date: 2004-02-28 06:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] danachan.livejournal.com
Dude, you are like, incredibly brilliant. *applauds*

Date: 2004-02-28 07:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cleobourne.livejournal.com
You have a real talent for this sort of thing...has anyone ever told you that? what the hell am I thinking of course people do.. I would italicise(sp) but Id just repost the whole thing. I still want to go see it every one in this country (and others) has seen it but me..I feel so out of the loop.. but really really good job on the review.

Date: 2004-02-28 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astaria51.livejournal.com
....you are brilliant, and hilarious, and can I friend you? (I mean, you've definitely been metaquoted enough to warrant friending by pretty much ANYONE, but, yeah. Friends?)

Also, Especially if you're raising very short sadomasochists.

Reading reviews of this movie (actual, movie-reviewer reviews) I have never seen the word "fetishistic" so many times in describing something. At least not something that wasn't, um, meant to be fetishistic.
Makes you wonder about good old Mel.

Date: 2004-02-28 07:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] budclare.livejournal.com
"There aren't really enough expressions."

This is a bad thing? *evil laugh*
Page 1 of 3 << [1] [2] [3] >>

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